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 Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:51 pm
Xaumeric Tenjou was staring at the round clock above the door, each tick and tock of the second hand teasing him. Moving ever so closely to the the top where the almighty twelve was set proudly. He knew once that small, red stick reached it the bell would ring and he would be free. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Sweat dripping down his cheek from his brow, as he eyes focused on it. 'Five, four, three, two, one!' He counted in his head as the second hand reached the the twelve and he was free. The bell had rung and he was first to reach the door, jolting from his desk and out into the hall. It was right when he made out of the academy walls and into the fress air that reality set in; with an alarming screech. "Wake up! Right this instant!" Tenjou could feel the wack of something sturdy against his forehead, and the world around went dark. His eyes open, and he could feel the bit a drool slip past his lips as reality began to set in. He was still in class. Oh God no! He was still in class. He looked to the clock and it was a whole thirtey minutes left. His forehead stung due to his sensei striking him across it with a ruler. "Now that your back with us, Tenjou, how about you explain to us the basic five elements for ninjutsu." His sensei ordered, her cruelty knowing no bounds. Still caught in a daze, Tenjou hesitated before answering. "Douton, Futon, Katon, Seiton, and Raiton." He answered once he remembered. "Good now how do you learn you chakra affinity?" She asked trying to ensnare him her web of questions? Now fully awake Tenjou could think clearly. "With a special paper, made from a tree that is constantly fed chakra, one must send a portion of chakra through and if it crumbles to dust your doton, if it burns your katon, if it gets wet your suiton, if it splits your futon, and if it crinkles your raiton." A vein appeared on the teacher head as she gave on embarrassing Tenjou before turning to the board. "Very good." Tenjou smirked and bumped knuckles with his fellow class mate to his right. He managed to burst another teachers bubble just in time for the bell to ring. Very few spelling errors and a few grammatical ones with punctuation. i.e, "Now that your back with us, Tenjou, how about you explain to us the basic five elements for ninjutsu," His sensei ordered, her cruelty knowing no bounds.but other than those very minor mishaps you are good enough to begin RPing. Enjoy! ^^
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:50 pm
Compared to the laboratory that was kept in the basement, filled with odd knick-knacks and various other inventions (including one that Yuri worked hard to forget was there), the rest of the house seemed as normal as any other. Here and there was the hint that at least two women had lived in the house previously, such as a picture on a wall of a mother and daughter and the very feminine touch to the furniture. The bedroom that Yuri had claimed for herself especially told the evidence. The walls were painted a mint green, but the border around the ceiling and the baseboard at the bottom of the wall was decorated with small, pink roses. A picture on the nightstand held the images of Yuri, who was then only a few years younger, and an older woman that she seemed to take after.
It had been about a year since the woman in the picture, her mother, had passed away suddenly from a heart condition that nobody had known she had. Perhaps her mother just didn't want anybody to worry about her, but the fact that she had kept her pain and illness from her family had hurt. The fact that it might have been treatable only made it that much worse, as the woman she had so adored and admired could have still been around. Since the death of her father's beloved wife, he seemed... to have snapped. For a while he holed himself down in the basement, only occasionally coming up from his laboratory for food or (even more rare) to sleep. Sometimes he would visit with his daughter, but those episodes were far and few in between.
Then, one day not that long ago, he had come with the strange news that he had something that he had wanted to show her. Her curiosity piqued, Yuri willingly and eagerly followed her father down into the basement. What she had seen had made the hair on the back of her neck rise in alarm, and goosebumps to break out over her flesh: a young, seemingly human, girl floating in the middle of water. The moment that the girl had opened her oddly colored eyes, Yuri knew that she was witness to something not natural, something that shouldn't even be alive. The fact that the creature had been named after her own mother did little to help her feel at ease.
Since then, she had done all in her power that she could in order to forget the thing's existence, even going so far as to avoiding her father on occasion as all he ever seemed to want to do lately was to talk about it. And now lately, all the break-in attempts and threats of murder were caused by harboring it in their house. She had asked time and again why they couldn't just get rid of it by handing it over to the government, people who were trained to take in the weird and strange? Why couldn't they just drive it out to somewhere far, far from home and dump it? Her father had never been game for any of her suggestions, instead going so far as to see it as his responsibility to care for. He had brought it into the world, just as he had brought her into the world, couldn't she see?
No. She really couldn't.
A knock on the door alerted Yuri to somebody's presence, jolting her out of her reverie. She turned her back to the window and tread over to her bedroom door, unlocking it and pulling it open to reveal... her father, the very same person that she had been thinking of.
He gave her a kind smile. "Good afternoon, Yuri," he greeted. "Could I come in? I'd like to speak to you for a minute." His face held no hints on what it was that he wanted to speak of, but his body language was tense and watchful, glancing over his shoulder occasionally as if he expected something or someone to jump out of the shadows at him.
Yuri stepped back to allow her father entrance into her sanctuary, curious as to what was going on. "Yeah, sure," she responded, confusion evident in the tilt of her head, the tone of her voice. "Is something wrong?"
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:51 am
My characters name is Kageryuu Nara (bet you can guess which village I'm gonna try and join)
It was early morning in Konoha and the surrounding areas; the sun was shining; the wind was blowing tranquilly; the leaves were rustling and the birds were chirping a happy melody. Even with the sun gleaming down on his face Kageryuu was still sleeping; it was only when he heard a loud screeching coming from behind him that he woke. He rolled over shocked to find he had lay on Yami's tail; he was more shocked when he was scratched across the nose by Yami. Yami is a black cat as indicated by his name and is particularly moody and usually attacks anyone who comes too close to him with the exception of Kageryuu.
Kageryuu slowly rose to his feet to get ready for school; he jumped with joy when noticing on his calendar that it was his last day at the academy and quickly put on his blue shirt with red flames along the bottom of the shirt and sleeve; it also had the Nara family symbol on the front and a black dragon on the back. He then searched for his favourite baggy jeans; put them on and rummaged his drawers for his house keys whilst holstering his katana over his back.
Kageryuu ran out the front door eager to get to the academy and find if he will pass his final tests and if the Hokage would let him further study in becoming a ninja in Konoha as he didn't live in Konoha but in a nearby forest where he and his parent's had built a small house unfortunately only his father is currently alive as his mother died when the house had burnt down when Kageryuu was only young and his memory of his mother is foggy; both Kageryuu and his Father rebuilt the house together this brought them togeter even closer as father and son
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When walking to school he saw Yami trailing behind him It made him smile that his cat was following him to school he chuckled and said to Yami "Go home buddy you know they dont let pets in the academy unless you're a inuzuka" he then carried on walking; it was his final day at the academy and for once he was prepared for his day ahead; all that was left was to see if he passed or failed and to say goodbye to his friends who would depart for different villages.
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:35 pm
Feels more like a short story than an RP sample, but it was well written. Don't see anything that needs critquing.
You pass. cool
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:13 pm
nachosamurai My characters name is Kageryuu Nara (bet you can guess which village I'm gonna try and join)
Now, as far as crituqing goes, there is a noticeable lack of punctuation in your post. Particularly here:
nachosamurai Kageryuu ran out the front door eager to get to the academy and find if he will pass his final tests and if the Hokage would let him further study in becoming a ninja in Konoha . as He didn't live in Konoha but in a nearby forest , where he and his parent's had built a small house . Unfortunately , only his father is currently alive , as his mother died when the ir house had burnt down when Kageryuu was only young , and his memory of his mother is foggy . both Kageryuu and his father rebuilt the house together . This brought them toget her even closer as father and son.
nachosamurai When walking to school , he saw Yami trailing behind him . It made him smile that his cat was following him to school . He chuckled and said to Yami , "Go home buddy . You know they don 't let pets in the academy unless you're a n Inuzuka ." He then carried on walking . It was his final day at the academy and for once he was prepared for his day ahead . All that was left was to see if he passed or failed and to say goodbye to his friends who would depart for different villages.
You always want to make sure that complete sentences are separated from each other via punctuation (for readability).
Use commas to separate words and word groups with a series of three or more.
You have a habit of putting semi-colons at odd places where a comma or a period seems more appropriate. Like in this passage:nachosamurai It was early morning in Konoha and the surrounding areas; the sun was shining; the wind was blowing tranquilly; the leaves were rustling and the birds were chirping a happy melody.
Another issue I'm seeing is inconsistency.
nachosamurai He rolled over shocked to find he had lay on Yami's tail; he was more shocked when he was scratched across the nose by Yami.
Anyway, I'd say your sample meets guild criteria. Despite that, I recommend that you keep the things I mentioned in mind if you want the people you're RPing with to have an easier time reading your posts.
You pass. cool
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:22 pm
MiniMidget Feels more like a short story than an RP sample, but it was well written. Don't see anything that needs critquing.
You pass. cool Is that a bad thing? I'm sorry! It was actually taken from a role play I'm currently involved in with somebody.
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 10:29 pm
RiverMist20 MiniMidget Feels more like a short story than an RP sample, but it was well written. Don't see anything that needs critquing.
You pass. cool Is that a bad thing? I'm sorry! It was actually taken from a role play I'm currently involved in with somebody.
If not, it means that your current skills meet the guild criteria. c;
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Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 8:17 am
I will take all that into account, thanks for the advice it is greatly appreciated.
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Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:09 pm
MiniMidget RiverMist20 MiniMidget Feels more like a short story than an RP sample, but it was well written. Don't see anything that needs critquing.
You pass. cool Is that a bad thing? I'm sorry! It was actually taken from a role play I'm currently involved in with somebody.
If not, it means that your current skills meet the guild criteria. c;No, I was the one to write that sample. I have a link if you want to make sure. smile I think I'll have enough time to get a character sheet up in the town I've chosen. I already checked with the leader of the town.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:37 am
I don't feel that I really need to go through this academy. But rules are rules. I just dug up from something I wrote a while back. I think it might be the same sample I used to get accepted into the guild. I hope that is okay?
A faint wind could be felt blowing through the main lounge area. Then just seconds later a mediocure[sp?] energy level could be felt. Also the smell of the wind accented that of which singed hair smelt like. Soon, light clacking could be heard on the floor. It got a little louder step by step as the figure approaced closer to the room. After a few seconds of hearing the foot steps a man that would be unfamiliar to everyone appeared in the far side of the room.
This man was about seven foot even. He had a somewhat muscular build. From his shoulders down he would almost look like a T. He was wearing some fairly dark pants. The crotch and lower legs in them baggy. The material was not like had been seen in this realm before. It wavered like there was a wind around, snaking around his body. Not quite like it was even clothing but a living being. Then up a little further he was wearing a crimson shirt, with the sleaves cut off. At his shoulders it looked like his shirt formed into tipped shoulder pats. The eyes looking like spikes. While most of the shirt was a normal cotton material, the shoulders were as the pants were. His face was kind of empty yet had an innocent look. His hair a cherry red at the base and then more crimson as it reached the tips.
He carried a staff that was about six feet long. At the top there was a hoop that had the edges sharpen. There were five points on it. In the middle an orb of corrupt light stayed dormant and glowed softly. The slender tips of the sword had jagged, seraded edges. He wore a crystalized pentant that reflected the same dull light as the center of the weapon. He also wore a dark headband that had a metal plate in the middle of it. There was no design visible on the metal banding it was clean and reflective.
The man took a few steps into the room slowly. His innocent dullish yellow eyes peered at the people. The pupils lower then center as he looked into people. Reading some of their ambitions. He noticed that some of these people were far from mortal so he hesitated to enter any further quite yet.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:44 am
[Dorian] I don't feel that I really need to go through this academy. But rules are rules. I just dug up from something I wrote a while back. I think it might be the same sample I used to get accepted into the guild. I hope that is okay? I think a lot of people feel that way~ "Mediocre" is the spelling you were looking for. Most browsers nowadays have spell check, but I usually use teh google if I'm unsure of how something is spelled. Other than that everything looks fine, so PASS! ^_^
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:45 am
GoldenMyr [Dorian] I don't feel that I really need to go through this academy. But rules are rules. I just dug up from something I wrote a while back. I think it might be the same sample I used to get accepted into the guild. I hope that is okay? I think a lot of people feel that way~ Mediocre is the spelling you were looking for. Other than that everything looks fine, so PASS! ^_^ Yay. Next I just PM a villages kage to get the okay to start a profile?
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:51 am
[Dorian] GoldenMyr [Dorian] I don't feel that I really need to go through this academy. But rules are rules. I just dug up from something I wrote a while back. I think it might be the same sample I used to get accepted into the guild. I hope that is okay? I think a lot of people feel that way~ Mediocre is the spelling you were looking for. Other than that everything looks fine, so PASS! ^_^ Yay. Next I just PM a villages kage to get the okay to start a profile? Yeah. Konoha and Kiri are the only active villages right now I believe. You can start working on your profile now, but it has to be approved by the intended village's kage before you can post it in the shinobi scroll / directory.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:52 am
GoldenMyr [Dorian] GoldenMyr [Dorian] I don't feel that I really need to go through this academy. But rules are rules. I just dug up from something I wrote a while back. I think it might be the same sample I used to get accepted into the guild. I hope that is okay? I think a lot of people feel that way~ Mediocre is the spelling you were looking for. Other than that everything looks fine, so PASS! ^_^ Yay. Next I just PM a villages kage to get the okay to start a profile? Yeah. Konoha and Kiri are the only active villages right now I believe. You can start working on your profile now, but it has to be approved by the intended village's kage before you can post it in the shinobi scroll / directory. Okay thank you. I can only post in the chatterbox right now then I am guessing
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Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 8:16 pm
RiverMist20 No, I was the one to write that sample. I have a link if you want to make sure. smile I think I'll have enough time to get a character sheet up in the town I've chosen. I already checked with the leader of the town.
If you need any help don't hesitate to drop by the questions and suggestions thread in the main forum or asking in the chatterbox.
Happy RPing~
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![[Dorian]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/e6/6a/59877ce3256ae6_flip.png?t=1336366748_6.00_00)
