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 Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 4:58 pm
but is it real happiness if you can't recall anything else? and we like you the way you are. at least i do, so there's no pressure from me to fry yourself "normal".
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:08 pm
I personally think it would be a huge mistake. The brain damage (yes that IS what it is) may only be temporary, and even if it isn't, the problems behind the depression/anxiety will still be there.
Changing yourself for someone other than yourself is the biggest mistake you could ever make. You WILL regret it. sad
And what Neko said is true. We all love you for who you are, not who you could be.
Also, if you love colorful stars and rainbows and such (kindred spirit eh?) take a look at the wallpaper I made today!
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:44 pm
Well I mean the memory loss wouldn't be that severe. I just might have trouble remembering events around when the ECT took place. I don
t think ya'll have seen me recently. I look terrible. I can't even keep up with daily routines and personal hygine. I'm turning into this big infantile ... infant. sweatdrop I can't even speak very well anymore, and I know I'm being unaffectionate towards Ryuu ;__; but I don't mean it, I just can't feel normal and right like I used to. ;___;
But I dunno, I sent emails to some doctors asking about it. It'll probably be expensive or something. ;____; I'm desperate though.
But urrrg. I dunno. That rainbow background you made Rorek-chan, is my background now. <33333 awesomes!
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 7:45 pm
well, ultimately it's not my decision to make, so whatever you decide is fine. i just wanted you to know i think it's kinda extreme to be looking into voluntary electrocution.
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:08 pm
Are you in therapy? I would highly recommend talking things out with a counselor before going into something as extreme (and potentially dangerous) as electroshock therapy.
Ultimately, we only want you to be happy, of course. Our concern is to make sure you don't accidently get hurt in your search for comfort. We love you, and we want you to be okay.
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Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 2:48 pm
*HUGSHUGS* I love you guys too. ;.; I know there's a danger to it, but the risks of not having it done are more dangerous at this point in time. I promise I'll be okay. *hugshugshugs*
I found a nice doctor in Dallas. Oh thank god she's not in Tulsa or some far-flung place. I can't make the appointment until mama has some days off though. @.@
Oh yeah I haven't been able to get real therapy because of the lackage of transportation. Also, I just haven't been able to find any that are free. Well there is one in this Catholic charity thing that I might try. And god this is bothering me hell out of me but I have to say it, it feels like the world is ... rising or something. This is effin weird. ;___X And now it's moving all down. I feel like I'm sitting on a giant whose breathing really deeply. The moniter is going off to the side now skfsdj oh ********. X_________X
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Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 9:00 pm
i can understand the limiting what you can do due to lack of transportation. i've totally had to do that.
good luck with it, whatever you decide. i've felt things moving like that before, but only when i'm reeeeally out of it. i don't get sick very often, but when i do, it's really bad, and sometimes everything moves like that. so i can sympathize with the thinking you're losing your mind. X.x
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:46 am
Still think it's drastic, and severe, but I love you and I'll support you, if this is what is best for you.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:07 am
n___n *hugs* thank you guys for being okay with it. I know it sounds scary but I've been doing a lot of reading and it doesn't seem bad at all.
I had the most amazing dreams last night. @.@ It was a dream that sort of connected with a dream I had months ago but had forgotten about. I was like traveling through time. At one point I was in this fairy tale and I was a fairy. But I had to travel back to the real world, so I was trying to collect all my stuff. Like my 'fairy skin' [lolwtf?] and pearls and little gown. And then I was in Valhalla, which had these white stone walls and it stood on pillars overlooking an ocean. And I was singing for the people there. But they were from all different races. There was this one group from Africa that didn't want to be there but I said something to them and they were happy after that and stayed.
Also I was in some kind of hospital or something. But I was a different person. I had blue eyes and a different face and my hair was like really red. And I was looking in a mirror and I started laughing because it wasn't me. And these doctor people didn't know it. I think they cut off my hair.
Yeah it was kinda wonky. xD
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:14 pm
your face is kinda wonky! only not really. i haven' remembered my dreams in a really long time. i used to keep a dream journal, but i got rid of it a few years ago.
yeah, so i came home from work early due to feeling excessive funkiness. i spilled ranch dressing and pizza all over myself at lunch when i got dizzy. xD i also broke a fingernail trying to catch the tray. xD it was quite impressive, you can ask kyu.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:25 pm
Are you okay?! Sick? Blacked out? @_@
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Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 3:25 pm
i don't really know.. i felt like this about a month ago but it mostly went away so i didn't worry too much, it just came back with a vengeance. X.x incredibly nauseous, a feeling akin to being shanked with a hammer.. the claw end, mation sickness, headaches (from sensitivity to both light and sound), extremes in body temperature.. i don't think i've blacked out, but there are memory gaps, so i really can't tell you. sweatdrop i just really hate doctors, so i'm dealing with it on my own..
on a brighter note, i've been posting in my blog semi-regularly. yay! xD like today.. *hint hint poke*
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Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:11 pm
i hate to double post, but i'm wondering what everyont htinks is the best (free) anti-virus out there. when i get my computer i'd like to keep it clean and gunk-free.
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Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:08 pm
The one I'm using is AVG Free Edition, and I'm pleased with it so far. Give it a shot. :3
And for Adware and Spyware, the Free version of AdAware, and Spybot.
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Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:25 pm
well i'd heard good things about avast, but the one poppa has pc cillin won't let it work all the way.. stupid pc cillin won't let in a decent antivirus, but it'll let in all those wierd porn viruses.. X.x ugh.
i'll keep avg in mind though.
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