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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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 Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 4:34 pm
sleep however escaped Nat. He found himself strangely at peace for a moment as he looked down at Teagan. Though slowly, but surely, he started to feel overwhelmed.
He knew his feelings were strong for her, and hers for him as well. These feelings would undoubtedly grow and evolve if left unchecked. Nat knew she would be wasting her emotions and feelings on something flakey and temporary. He suddenly felt guilty for jumping and acting on his emotions just now and for a month or so ago. He didn't want to Hurt Teagan.
No she didn't deserve to hurt anymore. And she would hurt if he stuck around. Yes... that's the solution. Nat had to get out of there. Leave while she still had her heart in tact. He knew he had to leave but didn't think he'd have to so soon. But it was obvious by how the night and past month had unfolded that it was time to go.
So once he was sure she was fast asleep, Nat gently eased himself from underneath her, laying her flat on the swing.
As he went to retrieve his things, he noticed how light the sky was getting. He had been thinking for a long time apparently. But he also noticed dark clouds rolling in in the distance. He should leave soon or be rained on.
He tried to keep his mind blank as he gathered his things and headed for the door. Teagan was an amazing girl, who deserved so much better than him. But he knew she would disagree if he stayed around.
Just before leaving, he noticed the vase of flowers he had given her so long ago it seemed. So simple and yet strong and wild. still alive but a little wilted. He picked one out of the center, and headed back towards the back door. He placed the single little flower in Teagans palm before taking her in for a moment. She was so beautiful...
He'd miss her terribly... but he knew this was for the best. Though soemthing in him was wrong. Somehting that scared him and worried him to no end. He tried to suppress it as he watched her sleep until it became just too painful.
He made himself pull away and take off down the road to head for town before she would stir.
Hopefully by the time she'd awake, he'd be long gone.
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 5:24 pm
--
When Teagan awoke the next morning, she felt chilled. The mornings were always a little cool, but they shouldn't have been then. Not when she knew she had fallen asleep with Nat so close by to keep her warm.
At first, she thought that maybe he had gotten up to make them breakfast like he had the previous morning. But, upon entering the house, she smelled nothing, heard nothing, and even sensed that there was nothing but her inside. Teagan felt puzzled, and wrapped the blanket she'd had around her all night closer.
"Nat?" she called as she made her way back onto the porch. There was no response, so Teagan began searching elsewhere. The gardens, maybe, she thought. But, upon searching the long rows of colorful flowers, she still couldn't find him. He wasn't even out in the shed area retrieving any sort of tool or checking the water levels. Nat was gone.
Well, she thought, now feeling the panic take her heart. Perhaps he just went out. Teagan settled on that reason for him being gone. Maybe he was visiting over at Richard and Lorey's, or was out getting more food for them. Yes, the more she kept thinking of these reasonable reasons for him being gone, the more at ease she fooled herself into being.
But time passed, and Nat didn't come back. At least an hour and a half went by before a client came to pick up an arrangement. It was an older woman that she knew for quite some time, Mrs. Addington. She was a jovial woman who enjoyed ordering flowers from Teagan with her expendable income, believing that supporting the local artisans was the closest thing to classy as she could get on their part of Druis.
"Teagan dear!" she called out as she made her way up the porch steps. "How are you?"
Mrs. Addington's eyes looked at her woefully, as if something gravely serious had happened. It worried Teagan greatly, so much so that as she handed her the small arrangement of flowers she had ordered, her hands shook.
"I'm... fine, thanks." But the older woman just shook her head. She had expected as much from the spitfire, and saw how her posies shivered as the vase was handed over.
"It's a shame he left, you know. You two seemed so happy working together..."
And the world suddenly made perfect, terrible sense. Teagan could feel her heart sink and start running wild in her chest.
"What do you mean?" Teagan paled as well, making Mrs. Addington pity her all the more.
"No need to hide it. He was carrying his pack and bicycle on the road. Saw him riding on towards the docks about an hour ago..."
The docks. He was leaving! Nat had abandoned her in the night while she was fast asleep and peaceful, when she least expected it and couldn't fight it. All the names she could think of sparked through her head, but only one sentence was uttered in the shock of the moment.
"Could you take me there?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:02 pm
---- It had started to drizzle on the way back home. It wasn't until Teagan caught a ride with a passing hay wagon that she made any real progress on her walk. In the back of the truck, though, Teagan could just let her mind blank out as the road moved out from underneath them. In the sky, a ship sped off into the outer space she'd probably never see for herself in any more detail than her night sky. Nat, she thought. He must have been on that ship. When the wagon passed her house, she hopped off and managed to get herself past the gate before bursting out into tears. They blinded her, even in the drizzle that was falling on the now dim land. Nat had left her. After all they had said to each other, after all that had happened, he had made the decision to leave, just like he'd made the decision to leave Raquel. He was a coward, but she still couldn't help but love him. Teagan broke out into a run through her flower rows, sobbing and crying all the way until she had reached the end. Far, far back on her property, she had a gazebo with a padded bench all around the inside. It was there that she found shelter from the rain, even though she was already wet. Teagan threw herself onto the dry cushion and wept bitterly. It wasn't because she was alone, or because she wouldn't have the help to make more money around the farm or with baking. It was that Nat had proven her right. She wasn't really worth hanging around for, even if she meant something. That something wasn't enough, and no matter how hard she had tried to change or do things to make it seem like she had, Teagan fell short. Nat was gone, and so was all her hope of ever finding some reason to like herself.
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:33 pm
However... Nat wasn't gone.
Just the opposite. He had been pedaling hsi way through the muddy roads after Teagan had left. Just as he was boarding the plane, he had a revelation. A big one at that. He knew he was an idiot, and he knew he had to make things right. So covered in mud from his knees down, and soaking wet from the knees up, he made it back to her house finally. He had stopped by Richard's and called out to them to see if Teagan had stopped there, but was greeted by a confused Raquel who told him no. He hadn't s much as thanked her or nodded before he was off again, leaving Raquel in the doorway, coking her head and furrowing her brow.
So she had to be home. She had to...
He practically fell off his bike, as he ran towards her house, throwing open the doors and crying out to her, but with no response. She hadn't been inside, for she was bound to have left a little puddle in the hall herself form the rain. He furrowed his brow, running around back. "Teagan! TEAGAN!" He screamed, running through her flowers, seeing a shelter up ahead, a slumped silhouette inside it. "Teagan-" He stopped a few yards away form it in the rain that was coming down harder by the moment.
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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:39 pm
Teagan heard a name being called out. It wasn't until the second or third time she heard it that she realized it was her own, or even that the person screaming it out was Nat.
She stayed incredibly still. Even her crying and sobbing had ceased, all for that greyish figure standing in the rain only feet away.
If it was Nat, and not some hallucination on her part, she wanted him to come to her. He had left, after all, and she was done chasing people all over the world for something she never could have.
"Nat..."
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:42 pm
"Teagan." He panted,soping wet as he tried to catch his breath though he stood erect and unable to move at first. He finally managed to step forward some, coming up under the shelter of the gazebo. There he stood still as a statue, not sure what to say next but merely looked at her with his eyes wide, wild, confused, guilt,y pleading, and sad. "T-teagan....I-" He shook his head so slightly as the words just wouldn't come out. They were stuck in his heart and throat and wouldn't budge as he just looked at her.
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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:48 pm
What? she thought. What did he have to say?
Teagan rose slowly from her seat and walked to him. He was taller than her, and looked far worse than she did when it came to the mud and sopping wet clothes he wore. But, that did not stir any compassion within her. At first she seemed rather calm, which should have been the first warning. Her hand raised slightly, as if wanting to touch his face, and she did.
Slap.
The sound rang out in the gazebo as Teagan struck him across the face.
"How dare you--" she tried saying, before the tears choked her once more. Teagan was absolutely ruined inside, and wanted to strike again for it. It was her words that held the next sting, though, as she desperately worked her voice through the knot that was her throat. There was no more anger left in her, just sadness and confusion.
"You just... you just left?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:56 pm
Nat froze as time stood still for a moment, that slap ringing through his whole body. It stung yes, but in more than one way. After a moment of silence he seemed gasp lightly to himself as if all the air in him had jsut vanished and suddenly he needed to breathe again. He blinked rapidly, looking down, his cheek red from her hand. "I-...I deserved that..." He admitted, trying hard to compose himself.
He wanted to say how he didn't deserve her, but that could wait a moment. "...Yes...I left..." He began, forcing himself ot look at her. "I mean- I tried...to leave..." He let his eyes deter as they seemed to search the floor boards for an answer. "...Teagan... Y-you have every right to hate me. I've treated you so so horribly and that alone...i dont know if i can live with myself...." He noted her pained expression. "Can I jsut....I've been a coward. My whole life... Can I try to redeem a little bit of myself now, by ... by being honest with you. even for just a moment..." He looked to her pleadingly with desperate eyes, hoping she wouldn't shut him down completely yet. He prayed she'd jsut let him open up to her ... just one last time if she pleased...
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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:00 pm
"Yeah, yeah you have." Teagan was still crying softly. Soon enough she'd have no more tears left, she was sure.
To his request, she just shrugged and turned around to reclaim her seat. Defeat was so bitter for her that she felt like Nat could say whatever he wanted. Very few things could make her understand just why he had left, but what was more confusing was why he had come back. Teagan looked to him for him to go on already and to give her that answer so she might finally understand him.
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:52 pm
Nat took a deep breath. staring at the ground a moment before gathering his thoughts. "Yes...Yes I did leave... But doesn't me being ehre now mean anything?" He asked at first, though knew it didn't really. Not after what he put her through. "Teagan..."
He stepped towards her, rubbing the back of his neck. "...I've been running my whole life. Every time things get complicated or too much for me to handle, I run... Its always been natural for me, and I suppose on a very basic level, the reason boils down to...is that when I dont think I can handle somehting... I remove myself from the situation..." He explained, though it was more than that.
"When my family was struggling financially, and my mother wanted me to go out to work to help support the family... in a way I ran. I was afraid of letting her down, since no one would hire me, or if they did it only lasted, usually a week. I sent her money occasionally, but never visited much because of my shame of not making something of myself."
"With Raquel, I couldn't handle the concept of 'forever'...that kind of commitment scared me, because...well like I said, I was so young and I didn't know if I could handle that kind of permanent-ness." He furrowed his brow, kneeling down in front of her, taking her hands in his tightly.
"Much the same with you, only....very...very different..." he looked up at ehr, hoping to make eye contact. "I think with you... The idea of forever wasn't what scared me-" His cheeks flashed red, not meaning to word it like that, but continued on. "It was just that... the fact that I was so comfortable with you... That I had these feelings..." He shook his head, not sure how to describe them as a soft roll of thunder rumbled in the distance, inspiring him.
"You're like a thunderstorm Teagan. Violent and destructive at times, but at the same time...so beautiful...." he whispered this last part, just shaking his head as he gazed at her. "Nourishing the greenery and-...and the flowers..." He smiled a little at his own metaphor, squeezing her hands a little. "Thats what you are to me Teagan. A Thunderstorm... one that leaves me so... so terrified and yet in awe all at once...." His eyes were soft as he tried to read her face.
"Its not your temper that terrifies me though...that I find very alluring to say the least at times..." He joked, recalling the previous night. "Its....how you make me feel....thats what's petrified me..." He swallowed a bit nervously, looking up at her, touching her cheeks softly with one hand.
"B-but that was no reason for me to just bail on you..." He removed his hand, and even released her hands from his hold. "I'm a worthless piece of flaky filth who doesn't deserve a precious gem like yourself... I had hoped if I had left, you'd move on and find yourself a respectable man... one with his own income, who's reputation isn't notorious.... Some one who was perfect, because thats what you deserve and so much more..." He shook his head, getting a catch in his throat as he looked away for a moment to pull himself together.
"....But now...I just-" just what? Wanted to be that man? He knew he couldn't. Not after all he did. "Teagan...I know what I've done to you, how I've messed with you're emotions, unintentionally mind you, and just abandoning you... I dont deserve you're forgiveness..." He stood, shaking his head as he looked to her evenly.
"...I'm...I'm tired...of running away...." He muttered, looking down at his feet a moment. "I've never been happier in my life until I can here.... S-so...I'd like to stick around...." He swallowed a little, giving her a soft smile. "Try and make up for what I ruined...Even though I dont deserve that." He swallowed again, looking down as he finalized his decision, letting her choose for him. "Though I understand completely if you never want to see me again. Hell, I'd kick my own arse out in the rain now and tell myself to keep walkin if I were you..." He tried to chuckle a little but it all hurt too bad. "So...just give me the word Little Flower.... And I'll disappear from your life without another word...I promise." He stood up a little straighter, and braced himself for his verdict, not sure if he could meet her eyes now.
He had poured his heart out to her, like he had never done before. And for some reason...despite his heart about to explode, he knew if she wanted him gone, he would leave. But if she gave him the chance to stay...
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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:10 pm
Teagan listened very closely to everything he said. But it wasn't just his words that she took apart and analyzed, but the sound of his voice, and the look in his eye, along with the way he moved, and touched her when he wanted to make a point. At the end of it all, when he gave her the power to simply say yes or no, to have him stay in her life or to banish him into the darkness of space, she only stared. Her eyes stayed on his for a bit too long, as i she was in a trance.
But when the thunder rolled in, it seemed to shake her and snap her right out of everything she was lost in.
"Nat," she began, now sounding stronger than before. There were no tears, and if she could help it, there wouldn't be any more.
"If I'm a thunderstorm, then you're a hurricane. The storm comes, and it hits so hard. Time passes, the calm comes, but you don't realize that you're just trapped in the eye of the storm. Surrounded on all sides by clouds you can't see until everything shifts again, and sends you right into the destruction once more..."
Her own poetic side was coming out in reaction to his. It was how they'd spent those evenings writing things and improving each other's musical skills. Now was quite different from any of that. Teagan looked up at him again.
"Nat, the weeks you've spent here have been wonderful. I mean, before all that, yeah, it was frustratin' as all get out and just lately that's all come back. But we've had so much fun, just talking and... and I know that you've come back for me, but I need a promise. I need a promise that you won't ever do that again, and that it's all behind you now. you've got to end the storm. If you can't give me that, Nat, I can't let you stay."
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:20 pm
Nat was silent a moment, before smiling, then laughing a little as he looked down at his feet, shaking his head but smiling. He finally looked up at her, his eyes smiling in a strange way as he came up to her slowly, arms still crossed. He got so close, he was nearly touching her.
"Why would I let my little flower sit out all alone and drown in a storm when I can stop the winds, hold her tight and never let go?" He asked, one arm slipping down and around her waist, the other touching her cheek softly. He wouldn't kiss her though. He didn't think he deserved to be given privileges he loved just yet. He'd let her make the move there.
"...I am...so so sorry Teagan..." He added, a bit solemnly as he looked down at her, his eyes so full of relief to be there, but so sad and guilty that he had hurt her.
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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:27 pm
Teagan looked up at him and the saddest expression crossed her face before it settled into one that was calm, but holding back tears. They still came anyhow.
"Do you know why I'm lettin' you stay?" she asked. She gave a big sniffle and a half-hearted smile. What she was about to confess should have made her heart soar and lips pull into a full-fledged grin, but not after everything they'd just been through. Teagan felt a bit too pitiable and angry at everything to let it go just yet. The breath she had been holding in, though, could definitely be let go.
"It's because I love you."
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:31 pm
Nat's own smile faded slightly as he just looked down at her, eyes locked on hers, his face expressionless and eyes unmoving. After a moment, he blinked, his eyes looking down again as he opened his mouth, but nothing came out at first.
"...L-love m-...You love me?" He repeated to himself, looking up at her again, his eyes watering up. He swallowed hard, one managing to escape and roll down his cheek. "Thats...Thats what I was so scared of Teagan. You terrified me like I said.... because you made me love you...." He smiled though his tears seemed to want to drown it out as they came on full force. His heart ached and soared all at the same time as he just looked down at her. "Teagan... My little flower... I love you." He said back to her, smiling, then laughing before saying it again through his tears.
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- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:40 pm
"You love me?" Teagan started laughing and crying at the same time, making a rather odd sound between breaths, but still finding it in her to keep laughing. It was out of relief and giddy joy. She'd been so scared that her confession would drive him away again into making his own decision to really leave, but instead, she'd been returned the same bravery she'd shown.
"W-well that's just about the best thing I've heard in such a long time... I love you, too, Nat."
Teagan hugged him and held on for dear life as all their emotions just came pouring out. They were both exhausted as the rain reached its peak, but quickly returned to the calm drizzle they had before. It was cold out in the aftermath of the storm, but they'd both warm each other up with time.
After a few minutes, Teagan took his face in her hands and kissed him.
"I love you. The way you look in a pair of jeans, your music, your songs, your laugh, everything. Even when you drive me so insane, I love you."
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