humble_gypsy_traveller
Aww...Exxos...you just have to look at your life a little harder...everyone contributes to situations in their lives in their own way. You just have to step back and look at the great things you`ve done, then give yourself a little credit. Remember...life isn`t all about give or take...it`s a bit of both. Right now I`m kinda feeling how you`re feeling (I think) in regards to giving back to my girlfriend for all she`s done for me.
My life is on the rocks. I feel lost and hopeless because it seems that life is passing me by and all I am left with is a bleak expanse without a discernible future. A lot of the strength I have had in the past, that I always tended to discount when people told me I had it, has started failing me and I am really feeling it. I used to be able to deal with a lot at once, now a single thing happens and I start breaking down – i.e.; I start losing it within 15 minutes of waking up instead of hours.
Then I try to escape into something, anything. I come here and I do not feel comfortable or that I have anything to contribute. I talk with my friends and I do not feel comfortable or that I have anything to contribute. I try to talk about what I am going through but do not want to be "emo" or "depressing" and don't get the support I need when I do break down and just let it out. I try to write or draw or paint and it all comes out garbage and frustrating, awful failures.
Plus my parents have seized upon a facet that has been in me for years, comparing me to my friends. How much better they are than me, how much more successful, healthy, accomplished... How they aren't failures... How they can have things I never will. I've always had that jealousy of my friends, that envy... But I always, secretly in my heart, tried to tell myself that, for whatever reason, they wanted me in their lives, no matter how huge a failure I was, so I poured even more into friendships, lost myself even more, and became the wretched thing I am today. I realize that I am a huge failure because I have completely failed myself.
As for falling off the wagon, my doctor won't even let me have access to pain killers in more than 10 pills per year, with stipulation that I can get more if I use them for a kidney stone, because I am an addiction and suicide by overdose risk. The chances of me finding my drug of choice is far, far less. But as I deal with the abuse and the depression, I know that no matter how long I stay clean, I'll always be an addict. My body is literally starving for it, demanding it, even though it has been years now.
Sorry for blathering on, I should not have said anything or, at the least, put it over in the whining sub-forum.
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