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Okaaay...this is probably going to be really effing long, 'cause I haven't ranted in months and I really need to sweatdrop I have insomnia right now, so why not, y'know? Well, hopefully it's okay...

First off, life in general. I live in Ontario with my fiancee (moved here last July after 2 and a half years of long distance dating--I used to live in Minnesota) and her (to put it mildly) insane family. I haven't been able to get a job, because I don't have a green card/work permit. I can't officially move here until July, because that's when my fiancee will be 18 and can sponsor me. So, hopefully I'll get a job around September or October...but for right now, I've been unemployed and out of school for almost a year. Drives me crazy, I hate having nothing to do. Anyway, that wouldn't be so bad, except for my fiancee is the only one in the entire house that has a job. She took a semester off of high school to work full time; with that, we pay her parents $400 a month, and spend about $150 a month on food. We buy entirely our own food, and almost never eat "the house's" food. Anyway. We live with her mom, her step-dad, her 28-year-old brother (Chad), and a random friend of the family who rents the basement (Randy).

This is how the family works--Nirvias (fiancee) works all day, I play Gaia or ride bike or clean all day, Chad sits at home all day playing video games (he doesn't have a job and hasn't had one since he was 21--thus he doesn't have rent, and has been mooching off his mom since he last had a job), her mom and step-dad play Second Life or watch TV all day, and Randy does who-knows-what. Probably works maybe one or two days a week, and spends the rest of the time with hookers. Anyway. Randy is messy--buys junk food constantly and litters trash everywhere. Drives like a maniac and pulls into the driveway over the grass at about 50 mph (he doesn't have a license anymore, and he has about 30k in unpaid DUI fines). Doesn't pay rent half the time. Plays music loud enough to shake the house constantly, even when everyone else is sleeping. Basically a jerk. Nirvias's mom is senile and crazy. She messes up time gaps something awful. She'll think I've lived there for two years when it hasn't even been one--stuff like that. She's agonizingly passive and lets her son get away with whatever he wants, and never says anything about it. The only time she gets upset is when she discovers that the kitchen is dirty (like it ALWAYS is), and then she'll have a three hour tantrum and wail and cry and throw s**t everywhere. Otherwise she just watches TV and does nothing. Nirvias' step-dad is a total psycho. He keeps secrets from us for absolutely no reason--things like where he's going (like, if he's going to the grocery store for water e_e), or whatever. He hides things from his wife, too--they got a note from the house rental company saying that they'd be evicted if they didn't pay full rent soon, and he didn't even open it. Nirvias' mom found it about two months later. And what did she do? She went, "Oh...that's not good." And then kept watching TV. I mean, WTF. If I found out that my wife had been hiding an eviction notice from me, I would have a complete spazz fit. I'd possibly consider breaking up with her, considering that her responsibility values were that obviously low. But, noooo, she does nothing. Anyway. Chad...Chad, Chad, Chad. I think he is the only human being in existence that I can truthfully say that I hate. He lords over both Nirvias and me, using the excuse that he's more "mature" than us because he's older. Well, guess what. We're paying rent, he isn't. I help out with the house at least a few times a week--he helps out maybe once a month. He doesn't have a job; Nirvias would, and I would too if it were legal. Okay, get this--her mom and step-dad have been smoking for about 30 years. Chad says that he'll get a job if they quit--and they do! It's been two months since either of them have had a cigarette, and he still hasn't even effing made his resume. And they don't push at him to do it either. Okay, so, since neither her mom or step-dad work, they get money from Randy's rent, and our rent, right? So, that means, we're paying for the house's cable. We're paying for the internet. We're paying for the food that everyone eats--and we don't even eat it, because we buy our own food on top of the rent. So, we should be allowed to eat their food sometimes, right? Wrong. They freak out when we eat anything of "theirs." The other day, we used half of a tomato for sandwiches, and her step-dad had a full out screaming fit at us about it. Didn't even notice that I'd spent about two hours cleaning the kitchen before we had the half of tomato, and that the kitchen didn't look like s**t anymore. Because it ALWAYS looks like s**t. Dirty dishes piled everywhere, crumbs and sugar and burnt crap everywhere, etc etc. Anyway. The worst thing about the food situation is--they buy CHAD food. They do it constantly. They'll get fast food, and they'll buy it for him, but not us. They'll get fruit, make a special dessert, and share it with him, but not us. And if we go, "WTF, we pay rent, he doesn't, he doesn't pay for that food, why are you sharing it with him and not us?" They'll scream at us that we're always starting fights, or that we're selfish, or to just go to our room and STFU. Seriously, that's what they scream at us. And Chad...Chad is awful. There are times where I actually just want to go and beat the s**t out of him, just because he's so awful to us. He never talks to me--and if he does, it's to make me look like a complete idiot. Like, he'll freak out at me for feeding the cats if he already did it (they're sneaky and like to fool people into feeding them twice). Or criticize us for using too much cheese to make grilled cheese--even if we're using all our own ingredients. Or have a total screaming, cussing, shoving us into walls, breaking and throwing stuff fit because we turned the hall light on for 3 seconds. He'll hide food that Richard bought for the family in his room, just to make sure that we don't get any. He'll make it seem like we're fat pigs whenever he sees us eating more than one meal per day. If he sees us using ANY dairy products, he'll spy on us, and then go report it to his mommy so that his mommy will scream at us. A rule in the house is: Milk is for cereal, not for drinking. Well, we get screamed at for having maybe 1 glass put together for both of us out of a three liter thing of milk, and then he'll go and have 1957157 bowls of cereal with milk--and sometimes not even drink the milk, just use it to make the cereal soggy and then dump the rest down the drain--and he won't get into s**t for it. And Khai. OMGWTFBBQ. So, we got a new cat in March, right? A Bengal. And it takes to me, and it takes to Chad. Chad's out in the living room more than me, so Nirvias' parents see him playing with Khai more often. So, NATURALLY, Khai is Chad's cat. And then they see Khai sleeping on my lap, and letting me carry him (he hates being held by anyone else, he'll squirm and scratch faces), and following me and meowing whenever I'm cooking something. And they completely ignore it. He's still Chad's cat. They like...refuse to acknowledge that any of our pets like me, especially Khai. It's like they don't think I'm part of the family, even though they act like it on the outside, and I've been living here for almost a year =/ They never acknowledge any of my cleaning, either. If Chad does ANYTHING, they'll praise him for it over the moon. They bought a $150 tablet for him after he spend 20 minutes cleaning three areas of floors--I spent 6 entire hours scrubbing the bathroom walls and floor and counter and toilet and shower and kitty litter and everything, and nothing. No thank you or anything. I seriously don't get it. I can't wait to get out of here...I can't stand living with these people, I feel so angry and so depressed and just generally awful so much. I hate it. We're planning on moving out in mid-August, but hopefully we'll be able to do so next month...I can't stand living here much longer.

Oh, and since no one works, we're really effing poor. I have internet and cable all the time 'cause they'll pay the electricity and cable/internet bill before they buy food. So, I'm pretty much always starving, living on one or two meals a day, but yay! I have internet! Woopie! That'll really fix my malnutrition problem stare Seriously. I pretty much live off of instant meal shakes and noodles, because it's all we can afford. We have to go for food that will last a long time, rather than good food that'll last a short while--good food is super expensive. I get milk maybe one week out of a month, I get fruit and vegetables maybe once or twice every two months, and I get meat/any other source of protein probably about once every four months. Yeah, it sucks. I take a multi-vitamin, but vitamin supplements can only do so much =/

Anyway, enough about that part of my life. Let's talk about relationship problems. Yaaaay.

So, I've been dating Nirvias for 3 and a half years. It's wonderful, I love her, and I love being with her. Don't love her family, but whatever. Then I meet this other girl--Carly--about a year ago. I completely fall for her. But I stop talking to her after a few months, because I know it's bad for my current relationship. She said she'd wait for me in case something happened in the future between me and Nirvias, and that she loved me, and wanted to marry me, and have children with me, and etc etc. Well, about 5 months go by with only rare conversation, and then when I try to start talking to her more again, she starts avoiding me. Does that for about two months, and then tries to kill herself. Ends up in a mental hospital for a few weeks. Comes back, proclaims undying love for me, and my feelings bubble up again =/ So we talk a lot, and I get really confused as to what I want. I've been really stressed this year, so my feelings have gotten weird...I don't feel as strongly for Nirvias as I used to. I mean, she's like my best, best, best friend...but I don't feel the romance. Plus I seem to have completely lost my sexual drive, as I haven't wanted sex for probably about 6 months now. Like, nothing. I mean, I WANT to have sex...but I just feel nothing. Sex feels about as intimate to me as poking someone playfully on the shoulder. It's just...not there. I hate it. So...Nirvias and I have issues, we start fighting a lot, and we have a lot of talk about breaking up. I talk to Carly about maybe seriously dating her, and what happens? She spazzes out. Fights with me, calls me a liar and calls me manipulative, and basically says that she wants other girls and that she just wants to be friends -_______- That was a day before my birthday, so like...yaaaay, happy birthday to me. 'Specially seeing as how I got about 577k of items stolen from me on the day after my birthday... stare Buuut, that's a completely different topic. Anyway. She's been avoiding me ever since then--almost three weeks now. I basically beg her to talk to me through emails, and she never replies. So...tonight I basically demand for her to talk to me, and she finally does. I ask her to tell me if she cares about me, and if she wants to keep being friends at all. She says that she can't really answer. So I go on, saying that I want to be in her life and know about all these things in it, but that I can't go on not knowing if she's just going to avoid me for the rest of my life...I need her to tell me if she values me at all, or if she doesn't. And what does she do? She runs away. Signs offline, or blocks me, or whatever. She does that constantly. And so...I delete her off of all my friends lists, so that she basically can't contact me unless she really tries. It was hard on me, but I just couldn't live with a maybe anymore =/ I don't know. I'm really depressed about it. But I'm also really mad at her. I don't get angry easily, but just...I wish I could b***h her out without her freaking out about me "being manipulative" and then blocking me on AIM. It really sucks.

Other than that...I've been having a really hard time with self-injury urges lately. I was pretty suicidal a few years ago, and I had a really bad issue with cutting. I was psychologically addicted to it for about three years, and it took me forever to quit. I quit for about 6 months once, and then had a relapse for a few months, and then tried again and succeeded. On May 22nd, it was my second year anniversary of not cutting. It was really hard...for the first year, whenever I was really upset, I'd basically stay up all night having breakdowns and panic attacks from forcing myself to stay away from my knives. It got easier in the second year, I didn't really have urges very often, and when I had them, they were light and easy to ignore. It started getting worse again about three months ago...I'd dream about it, or I'd stay awake lying in bed thinking about it. It's been especially bad the last two weeks. I didn't think I'd make it to my 2 year anniversary. But, I did, and I was satisfied with it.

Unfortunately, tonight, I just felt like complete crap, and so I gave in. I cut myself for the first time in two years. And, even though I hate to say it, it really helped. I was able to focus on the physical pain, and when I was done, I felt a lot more relaxed, and my mental stress was very much lessoned. I don't know. I gotta start over, and I'm going to try not to relapse too much more.

I'm just really bummed out right now.

Got my new laptop. Now I just need to find time to transfer all my old crap over to the new one.

1337 skillz.


But you still have us. Unless you're porking someone I care about. Then it really depends.

Well I'm quitting the site because I hate the stupid silver ******** stupid capitalistic gaia.

lmao you're leaving because of items?

you just got sucked into what you dont like about the site

So I'm back from spending six days in the hospital with e-coli. Fun stuff, that e-coli is.

Flying up to Washington tomorrow. Should be fun.