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 Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:10 am
(( Yin, she just wants you to add commas, full stops, etc in the right places. Because there is great need... Yin voidblade Yin sighed at the moment, still somewhat annoyed and pushed off from the wall sliding forward towards a window. He flipped forward latching onto the opening with his left hand and flipped himself through the opening with out much concern. Enjoying the moment he launched a pencil as he went out towards the window. However messing the opening causing it to bounce off the edge and smack him in the face as he landed. He quickly decided to escape the view of everyone before anyone noticed his mistake at high speed. This edit, is what I THINK you may of intended... A lot of still doesn't make sense to me...))
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Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:50 am
Eh! Q, you are supposed to let him fix it.
And Yin I'm sorry for the vagueness, please write another example.
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Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:58 pm
(( I understood the proof read and suggestions that she gave. What I was wandering was did cheerios18 want me to just fix it up, for me to make another example, or maybe both that's what I was confused on. lol Anyway round two with me putting more time into it. This is how I would edit the post and for most part change it up a little since it was so confusing to follow the actions of the character.))
Yin let out a long sigh. At the moment the scene of debate before him over the meal was greatly annoying. Agitated that the conversation was still going on made him just want leave and go for a walk. His gaze soon focused on an open window and he formulated an idea. He would push from the wall and try to slide across the floor towards the open window. He would then Flip himself through the window using the momentum of the push and using his left hand as a brace so that he could clearly propel himself out the opening. With the strategy ingrained in his mind he gave a smile and put his plan into action. He pushed himself off the wall using the momentum to slide across the floor towards the window. "It all was going according to plan," he told himself. As the window came into reach he braced his hand on the bottom of the opening so he could flip himself out of the window head first. When he came out how ever he was off balance. The head first flip out the opening required a firmer brace then just his left hand and he over estimated his own momentum causing him to tumble forward. His mouth soon tasted dirt and his body was tumbled two or three times before stopping against a tree. After the mistake he just rubbed his forehead and preceded to reposition himself in a more comfortable laying position under the tree deciding instead of a walk a nice nap might in order.
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Posted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:37 am
Yin voidblade (( I understood the proof read and suggestions that she gave. What I was wandering was did cheerios18 want me to just fix it up, for me to make another example, or maybe both that's what I was confused on. lol Anyway round two with me putting more time into it. This is how I would edit the post and for most part change it up a little since it was so confusing to follow the actions of the character.)) Yin let out a long sigh. At the moment the scene of debate before him over the meal was greatly annoying. Agitated that the conversation was still going on made him just want leave and go for a walk. His gaze soon focused on an open window and he formulated an idea. He would push from the wall and try to slide across the floor towards the open window. He would then Flip himself through the window using the momentum of the push and using his left hand as a brace so that he could clearly propel himself out the opening. With the strategy ingrained in his mind he gave a smile and put his plan into action. He pushed himself off the wall using the momentum to slide across the floor towards the window. "It all was going according to plan," he told himself. As the window came into reach he braced his hand on the bottom of the opening so he could flip himself out of the window head first. When he came out how ever he was off balance. The head first flip out the opening required a firmer brace then just his left hand and he over estimated his own momentum causing him to tumble forward. His mouth soon tasted dirt and his body was tumbled two or three times before stopping against a tree. After the mistake he just rubbed his forehead and preceded to reposition himself in a more comfortable laying position under the tree deciding instead of a walk a nice nap might in order. Yay, a loved post is a happy post biggrin Pass
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 3:01 pm
well here goes nothing sweatdrop not sure how i join a village but ill figure it out if i pass this
My characters name is Tyrone Kin, and he is 15 years old
RP Sample
As Tyrone Kin stepped out from beneath the shade of a solid oak tree, he lifted his hand to shield his eyes from the bright light of the suns rays that were gazed apon his skin. "it's a bueatiful day" he said softly as he turned to the oak tree he came out from under, Tyrone gave a slight sigh as he thought about his training, he shouted excitedly "Alright, ill take on anything that any shinobi can throw at me!"
With that said Tyrone turned on his heels in the opposite direction and ran forward away from the oak tree that had sheltered him that night so that he could return to the training field.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:09 am
I'm going to masquerade as a Renshi Matakata, one of my alias's.
RP Sample
Renshi finally woke up after his long nap. He had tried to take refuge under a rigid tree, of what kind he was not sure. However, he must have shifted while he was asleep, his neck and back ached. That probably wasn't the smartest thing.. he thought to himself as he rubbed the gunk and crust out of his eyes. After walking out of the shade he quickly brought his hands up to his face due to the pain of his pupils shrinking. He ran over to a nearby drinking fountain and splashed water in his face. He smiled. Today was going to be a long day. He might as well get started. Renshi spun around, put his hands behind his head, and began walking off.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:55 am
Both of you need more to your samples... like some action! Also, keep an eye on your grammar and spelling... I see only one word wrong, but, eh...
Like, another paragraph at least... and you both have the same kind of sample... waking up from under a tree... GET ORIGINAL DAMN IT!
Also, joining a village. You have to pass the academy thread (here) first and then ask the Kage (leader) of the village to join.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:22 pm
Qyp Both of you need more to your samples... like some action! Also, keep an eye on your grammar and spelling... I see only one word wrong, but, eh... Like, another paragraph at least... and you both have the same kind of sample... waking up from under a tree... GET ORIGINAL DAMN IT! Also, joining a village. You have to pass the academy thread (here) first and then ask the Kage (leader) of the village to join. not my fault copied me XD
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kouri-chan_xx Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:16 am
Tryone_Riday_ANBU Qyp Both of you need more to your samples... like some action! Also, keep an eye on your grammar and spelling... I see only one word wrong, but, eh... Like, another paragraph at least... and you both have the same kind of sample... waking up from under a tree... GET ORIGINAL DAMN IT! Also, joining a village. You have to pass the academy thread (here) first and then ask the Kage (leader) of the village to join. not my fault copied me XD
XD Well Qyp still speaks the truth. Could you get to improving the sample please? xd You have a few spelling and grammar errors.
@The Injured Pixel (Tappy?): I like it smile Could you develop it a bit more? Then it would be perfect smile
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 9:23 am
Location: Shogun's Castle
Time: 1:00 am
Mission: Capture Documents, Kill the Shogun
Ruuko sits in a tree a few yards away from the samurai guards on duty. he takes out his composite bow and loads it with a anbu level paper bomb warped around a arrow. it silently is pulled back as he aim's for the door between the two samurai. the arrow hit with deadly accuracy. hearing the arrow hit the door the samurai looked at it wondering where it came from. Ruuko ran swiftly to the back of the castle so he would not be in range for the boom. like planned the paper bomb basically destroyed the front door. every guard in the place rushed to the front thinking at it was a frontal assult. while they abandoned their post's, Ruuko snuck inside and made his way to the shoguns room. of course the shogun was awake so he just let himself in. "hello there shogun-sama. i have a offer for you." he took out the documents he was meant to steal. "i'll give you this back if you let me work with you." the shogun was very stupid and said anything to get his papers back. he agreed to the terms and Ruuko set them on his bed. he took out a cigar and handed to the shogun. "to good business." the shogun lit the cigar and began to smoke it. to bad he never got to finish it. a few second's after it was lit it blew up in his face. Ruuko loved using the exploding cigar. he took back the documents and made his way out of the castle and back to his village. the shogun was found dead the next day.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:45 pm
ok ill do a new one... thanks tappy...
character is Tyrone Kin, 15, Wind element
RP SAMPLE
As Tyrone Kin unseathed his sword fast he spun the sword by the hilt gripping it tight in his right hand, he held it infront of him using only his right hand.
As an enemy ninja dashed towards him with a small but sharp kunai, Tyrone give a smirk as the ninja came closer, "Your life will end here..." tyrone said under his breath.
The enemy ran up to tyrone with a thirst for blood, as the ninja got in range if tyrone's blade he swung his sword fast at the enemy ninja's throat with the goal off killing him.
as the blade pierced the enemy ninjas skin blood instantly was drawn, the blade cut through the mans flesh in his throat then cutting through the tough bone in his neck killing the ninja instantly.
the enemy ninja came to a stop, Tyrone seathed his sword back in its shaft and said in a soft tone, "I told you.." as tyrone said this the ninja dropped to his knees then on to his face.
-fin-
hopes that good enough for ya tappy!
it contains action and i like to see that dude copy that cause if he does i swear!
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:38 pm
Character: Gin Shuriyama
On this day, Gin was running the trail through the woods that leads to the academy. Having an overactive imagination, he kept imagining the trees being an obstacle course and he began diving and weaving between them. Other then being his daily exercise, it was also his way of having fun. However, he was too distracted in his state of play, that he did not notice that he was being followed. Suddenly a figure jumped out of the trees and grabbed him. Being only 12, he did not have enough strength to hold off his attacker who was full grown. After his futile attempt to defend himself, he was dropped to the ground. Looking up at his attackers face, Gin almost fell into a state of shock when he recognized his teacher wearing a very mischievous grin on his face. Sensei Matsuu waived his brush around, showing Gin the weapon was just used against him before leaping back into the woods laughing heartily. Gin quickly pulled out a polished kunai to see "DUNCE" written across his forehead. Apparently, their game of pranking each other was in full swing again now that school had begun. Gin whispered to himself, "I can't wait till he gets to school and sees what I did to his office." Gin then pulls out his canteen and starts trying to wash the ink off his face before he gets to class. "This year is going to be interesting" Gin mused to himself.
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Posted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:15 pm
kouri-chan_xx Tryone_Riday_ANBU Qyp Both of you need more to your samples... like some action! Also, keep an eye on your grammar and spelling... I see only one word wrong, but, eh... Like, another paragraph at least... and you both have the same kind of sample... waking up from under a tree... GET ORIGINAL DAMN IT! Also, joining a village. You have to pass the academy thread (here) first and then ask the Kage (leader) of the village to join. not my fault copied me XD
XD Well Qyp still speaks the truth. Could you get to improving the sample please? xd You have a few spelling and grammar errors.
@The Injured Pixel (Tappy?): I like it smile Could you develop it a bit more? Then it would be perfect smile Sure thing. And sorry, I tried to make it like it is because I didn't want to really make it seem like the person appeared out of thin air, even thought they sort of are, I think I'm just trying to hard. I'll give it another go smile RP Sample"Come back here!" the old man yelled as Renshi ran away. Sweat ran down his face as he tried to run faster and faster. He just had to step on that cat's tail.. and it just HAD to be the one cat that would go berserk. Renshi stopped, put his hands on his knees, and breathed heavily. He tried to let out a pathetic sigh, but failed. He'd never be allowed to that fruit stand again, after what that freak cat did to those innocent bystanders. He fell back, his chest heaving, but slowing each time. He looked back. The old man wasn't following him anymore. CRASHRenshi jumped up in shock. He saw the old man, still terribly angry. He had tried to throw a flower pot at him! "Yikes!" Renshi yelled, as he continued to run down the market street, finally crashing onto the grass when he saw he was no longer being followed. Correction, he thought. I'm never being allowed back to any fruit stand.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:52 am
pirate_king999 Location: Shogun's Castle Time: 1:00 am Mission: Capture Documents, Kill the Shogun Ruuko sits in a tree a few yards away from the samurai guards on duty. he takes out his composite bow and loads it with a anbu level paper bomb warped around a arrow. it silently is pulled back as he aim's for the door between the two samurai. the arrow hit with deadly accuracy. hearing the arrow hit the door the samurai looked at it wondering where it came from. Ruuko ran swiftly to the back of the castle so he would not be in range for the boom. like planned the paper bomb basically destroyed the front door. every guard in the place rushed to the front thinking at it was a frontal assult. while they abandoned their post's, Ruuko snuck inside and made his way to the shoguns room. of course the shogun was awake so he just let himself in. "hello there shogun-sama. i have a offer for you." he took out the documents he was meant to steal. "i'll give you this back if you let me work with you." the shogun was very stupid and said anything to get his papers back. he agreed to the terms and Ruuko set them on his bed. he took out a cigar and handed to the shogun. "to good business." the shogun lit the cigar and began to smoke it. to bad he never got to finish it. a few second's after it was lit it blew up in his face. Ruuko loved using the exploding cigar. he took back the documents and made his way out of the castle and back to his village. the shogun was found dead the next day.
I saw lots of grammatical errors including
-capitals
-apostrophes being not where they're supposed to be
But. I do like it!! XD
Just note that the shoguns in this guild will be NOWHERE near as stupid wink
Just make the grammar changes and you're good to go.
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kouri-chan_xx Vice Captain
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kouri-chan_xx Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:55 am
Tryone_Riday_ANBU ok ill do a new one... thanks tappy... character is Tyrone Kin, 15, Wind element RP SAMPLEAs Tyrone Kin unseathed his sword fast he spun the sword by the hilt gripping it tight in his right hand, he held it infront of him using only his right hand. As an enemy ninja dashed towards him with a small but sharp kunai, Tyrone give a smirk as the ninja came closer, "Your life will end here..." tyrone said under his breath. The enemy ran up to tyrone with a thirst for blood, as the ninja got in range if tyrone's blade he swung his sword fast at the enemy ninja's throat with the goal off killing him. as the blade pierced the enemy ninjas skin blood instantly was drawn, the blade cut through the mans flesh in his throat then cutting through the tough bone in his neck killing the ninja instantly. the enemy ninja came to a stop, Tyrone seathed his sword back in its shaft and said in a soft tone, "I told you.." as tyrone said this the ninja dropped to his knees then on to his face. -fin- hopes that good enough for ya tappy! it contains action and i like to see that dude copy that cause if he does i swear!
The correct spelling is "sheathed". But aside from that, on the merit of your previous sample + this one, I pass you. Just watch the capitalisation. Sometimes you don't do it wink
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