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For the first time, Harry was positively scared of his DADA teacher. The man seemed like a complete loon. Rather than the normal textbooks dealing with protection charms, this man had each child buy a strange muggle book titled "The Care and Feeding of Firearms," as well as several books on various muggle fighting styles. Did this man have a muggle-fetish, like Ron's dad did?

The man himself was tall, with slightly mousy blackish hair, and was dressed in some sort of fatigues that sort of reminded Harry of what muggle soldiers wore in the movies. But what really frayed Harry's nerves was the man's eyes. Clear and blue, but they seemed to practically glow with madness.

"Good afternoon, children! I am Commissar Facehugger, and I will be your defense against the dark arts teacher! Now, I'm a "Muggle" as you say, so I'm not going to be teaching you magic. What I am going to be teaching you is how to brutally murder your opponents! After all, you can't cast dark spells if you're dead, right?" The man said with a little too much cheer, mixed with an American drawl.

"First up, we have the tools of the trade! Wands are versatile and handy, but they're s**t in a real fight. That's why we have this baby. The Avtomat Kalashnikov model of nineteen forty seven! This, children, is the world's most popular assault rifle. An elegantly designed nine-pound weight of forged steel and plywood that won't jam, won't break, and won't overheat. You can dump it in sand or take it swimming and it'll still fire. Hell, it's so easy to use that even a child can use it, and they do!

Make no mistake. This is a weapon. It does not stun people, it does not confuse them or make their memory go fuzzy. It kills them dead as a doornail at a vastly greater range, with more accuracy, and with a greater volume of fire compared to any curse I'm familiar with. In-fact, after completing my course, I'd give you better than even odds against those 'death-eater' wankers I keep hearing about." Facehugger concluded, his tone shifting like a python. First from amusement to seriousness, back to amusement again.

"Moving on, we have the Colt M1911, my personal favorite handgun. Combining just the right mix of firepower and accuracy, this thing will kill a dark wizard dead at twenty meters. It can be shielded against, of course, but there's no such thing as a counterspell for a forty-five cal bullet screaming towards you faster than you can think.

...Now, I'm sure some of you lot might be too caught up in your false notions of superiority to use "muggle" weaponry. If that's the case, I expect you to come up and challenge me to a duel. Don't worry, I'll be using rubber bulllets, so I won't kill you. Probably."

Draco Malfoy sneered, but said nothing.

"Something funny, boy?" Facehugger asked, his hand resting on the grip of his firearm, a pistol just like the one he had shown the class, save that the word "Doomcock" was scratched upon it in a light, disorganized hand.

"No. I just think it's pathetic that they have muggles teaching magic now." Malfoy said, smirking. "What, they couldn't get a real teacher?"

Facehugger's hand moved like a blur, whipping out "Doomcock" and firing a single round right between Malfoy's eyes. True to the madman's word, Draco was only knocked out, though a nasty bruise was already starting to form.

"Anyone else want to challenge mah authoritah?? Good. Now, we're going to start with some unarmed combat exercises. As you all know, curses are slow and easy to dodge. That's why I'm going to teach you how, even if you're unarmed, you can get close to a man with a wand and subdue him. After that, we'll do calisthenics and move onto knife-fighting and then proper firearm use." Facehugger said. "I think I'll need a punching ba-volunteer, and I think 'lil Snow White here is perfect for it. So you two fat bastards next to him, wake 'im up and send him to the front of the room."

"Moving on now, those I deem particularly responsible will get to use the really nice toys; the clip-on 'nade launchers and Ma Deuce." The seemingly insane man said after a pause, running his hand over an enormous, ugly, black weapon that seemed to radiate an aura of malice.

"But make no mistake... If you damage your weapon, you will spend a week in the box. If you mistreat your weapon, you will spend a week in the box. If you lose your weapon... You will instantly fail the course and have one hundred and fifty points deducted from your house. Oh, and you'll also spend a week in the box." Facehugger added. "One final thing, childrens. Welcome to Defense against the Dark Arts. Or, as I like to call it, 'Pest Removal 101.'"

***

Some moments later

"Ahh! Snow White, you're awake! Now, class, I'm about to demonstrate the fine art of the pistol-whip that has been passed down from my pappa and his pappa since the War of Northern Aggression! Stand still, boy, I don't want to risk causing any brain damage if I don't hit you just right..."