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.......Damn...I don't even know wht to say to that, Fuu, except...I'm sorry you had to go through with that. I've lost four people I love in the past two years, so I feel your pain. I'm SO damn sorry. I'm just glad you're finding sanctuary within art. We all deal with it in our own ways, and...I don't think we ever completely get over it, but...It does get better with time.

And like Je suis said, I'm always here if you need anyone to talk to. Well...I'm not LITERALLY always HERE...but you know...Yeah...

My heart is with you. Time for me to light some candles.

@Fu
Everyone is surrounded by death on all sides, its only when someone close to us dies that we realize it. The reason we cry for them is to let ourselves know we're still here. The sooner you deal with this, Fu, the sooner you will feel better, because then you'll remember that you're still here with people who care about you, and more importantly, people who will cry with you.

@Noelle
I know where you're coming from, Noelle. While I've been in plenty of car accidents (most of which without my seatbelt and I come out of the car laughing), and I have had a near-death experience.

Summer between 1st and 2nd grade, I was impaled (note: not stabbed, IMPALED) with a pencil around six inches. I was tiny back then, so six inches was a lot of me. All I could see was the top of the eraser and a bit of the metal part around it, and I thought I was going to die. The doctor's told my mom that if it had hit my kidney, I would have probably died in surgery, though even now I'm not sure how that would have been possible, since I had another perfectly fine kidney. It missed my kidney by 4 millimeters, and I still have the two halves of pencil in a jar (it broke in half while they were removing it and apparently caused some problems).

I missed out on swimming that summer- because of how the pencil was lodged into me, they had to cut a cylinder of flesh from me. I wasn't supposed to be walking for a week, but the day I came home boredom got the best of me and I started walking around looking for my ninja turtles. It smelled funny whenever my mom changed the bandages, and my side always ached.

Now, everything I do, I analyze. Anything that can go wrong, I have to find out what it is, make sure I can avoid it, and come up with counter measures to ensure my survival. Several times during the period where my hallucinations were at their worst in 8th grade, I found myself getting ready for when school shooters would come through the door (I would drop to the floor, flip a desk over, charge them with my desk/shield and stab them in the eye with my protractor). Every time I drive over a bridge, I go through the motions in my head for what I would do in the event I swerve off the rode and into the river. I'm paranoid about my safety, and given my other problems, it makes me very paranoid.

But you know what? You gave Death the finger. You told him to ******** off, and that you had your own plans. And I would choose a life of paranoia over being Death's b***h any day of the week.

Fuu, it's not a problem at all, trust me. Helping other people is what I'm here for. At least, that's the way it's seemed to me for a long time now. You know we're all always here for ya! ^_^

@ Je suis: .....Okay. I'm gonna try to prove you wrong. Seriously. Pardon me if I seem rude, cause I'm just trying to help here, but there is no good reason to be scared. There is nothing in life that is WORTH being afraid of, except yourself. If you keep worrying and letting death scare you and force you into submission like that, you'll never be able to really live. I understand, it's easier said than done when you're afraid, but what you need to do is, instead of dwelling on that fear, just turn and face it, embrace it, yell at it. "Haha, I'm better than you! ******** you! I can conquer you! You're just a big pile of nothing!" .......I'm just being figurative with that last one there. But you get the point.
Take it from me. I was in a car accident about two years ago, with my ex-fiance (well, still fiance at that point, of course). The car flipped over so many times, so fast, it was just unreal. Once it all stopped, I was hanging sideways-ish, crushed under a bunch of crap, and my neck hurt like a mother. But I didn't really take it all in. I looked around, smiled, and said to my then-sweetheart, "Holy s**t, we just had a near-life experience, babeh!" And started laughing like a hysterical madman. Yeah. She didn't like that very much. Started wiggin' out, and yelling about how could I possibly laugh at a time like this, and whatnot. And my response? "Mellow out, hun, I've done crazier s**t than this. Intentionally."
But yeah..enough of my crappy stories. The point is...Just live. If you keep worrying, I'm gonna be worried about YOU.
Cause yeah....Life ain't fun if you're scared of it. And you can quote me on that.

....Oh, also, just wanted to add that, in my experience, religion has little to nothing to do with your soul being ready for anything. It's all about faith, which is another matter entirely. But that's just my point of view, so yeah, just like everything else I say, take it with a grain of salt.


@Sousei: Nah, that wasn't too blunt. Although I am worried for you. Cause nobody should have to worry that much. And before I go off on another ramble, I'll just....redirect what I said to Je suis, to you. So read it. There's my perspective. Ta-da! ^_^
No, but seriously, I hope you get past that whole paranoid overanalysis thing. Doesn't sound too healthy.

I feel for you both, Fuu, Je Suis. I am sorry to hear about the death in your life Fuu. Also glad to hear you are safe and sound Je Suis.

I have too lost several people in my life. The hardest one that I still look back on, which I know is unhealthy of me, is my fathers. He died a little less than 5 years ago, just a couple days before father's day of that year, too. His wasn't a sudden death, he was sick. It slowly ate him away inside. we all knew his time was coming when it did. I just wish it didn't end the way it did. And I always look back on it. Always telling myself, "What if?" Such as what if I was a better daughter. Or if he even knew how much I loved him. And still do.

I miss him so much. He wasn't here to see me graduate from high school. And he won't be there to walk me down the aile on that special day I get married. Or even when I have my first child. Or even my nieces and nephews that have been born since his death, and the ones that would be to come, that will never know him.

Or even my little sister who was only 6 when he passed, and is about to turn 11 on the 12th of this month. She knows him. But she doesn't have all the memories I have of growing up with him there as a family. Not one that has been broken up because something is missing. And she is missing out on a bunch more than I am.

And my sister always has one shadow that is always surrounding her every year. She was born on our father's birthday. So at the same time we wish her happy birthday. We are surrounded by that thought of him not being there on that day.

But sure as hell I try. Though my heart is sadden at the memory. I continue living on. That is all I really can do. I live my life for him and everyone I care for. And I pray every day that if he is watching me, which I know he is, that he is proud of me. That some day we will met each other again one day.... when my time comes.

Thank you Fu it means a lot.