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Island of Moreau
Captain

PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 9:25 am


Remove
Dont know if I can post this....

Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Remove
Character Name: Heather Eripmav
Serum Animal(s): Jaguar
Quest Thread: ]http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2654286


THere would be no technical problem in doing a black jaguar (panther) as the only panther is a black leopard, a taur, and technically not yet introduced. But we dont' have a jaguar yet either if that's what you want :3

As far as the family background, almost all American teens go through a rebellious "no one understands me/I hate my parents" Stage, or at least a period of friction where they don't feel that they fit in and that their parents don't understand them. I find it very difficult to swallow that her parents would have turned her out at the age of 13 because of this. Not only is it highly illegal (and would get them into SERIOUS legal issues when she suddenly goes missing) but the drastic change of heart from her being their "princess". AND she's their only child. It is much more likely they would have tried counselling or other forms to work with her than sending her out on her own.

I would suggest having a VERY good reason of her being turned out if you don't just want her to have run away (which would be rather similar to Lauren). Maybe she's from a very religious family and she got pregnant (to miscarry/abort/etc the child) and lost too much respect for her parents to go home.

Other than that, she sounds fine, if a little on the similar side to Lauren. But that might just be becaus of the middleclass girl to runaway thing :3
PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 9:41 am


Omikuji
Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Omikuji
Character Name: Derek Robenson
Serum Animal(s): Meerkat
Quest Thread: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2889684

Well, my frist try. Seeing how I missed the little contest going on, I thought, what the hay, might as well. So viola lemme know what's wrong or right... I think <_<. I have a funny feeling his reason for going to the island is a little over done... but it works I hope.


Okie... well, first off two different color eyes in people is INCREDIBLY rare. I've heard of it, but only a brown-blue shift.

As far as his mental aspects I will warn you that a youth with deep seeded psychological problems would not be a likely canidate for the Island. Moreau's already had... issues... with several subjects going creaazy and isn't looking for more probalems. Especially with as big red flags as the cutting and, well, having cut off his own pinkies.

Essentially, the island has a lot of Crazy! people already, and in creating unique characters a lot of individuals are falling back on psychoses as a method of distinguishing them. I'd reccomend taking it in a bit of a different direction?

If it wasn't a meerkat (which is a very neurotic animal) I might suggest that the doctors might be intentionally trying to reduce the mental issues that some of the serums seem to be causing...?

Island of Moreau
Captain


Island of Moreau
Captain

PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 9:45 am


Tahni
Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Tahni
Character Name: Titania "Tahni" Fletcher
Serum Animal(s): Domestic cat (burmese); peregrine falcon (back wings)
Quest Thread: www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2747514

I'm posting this guessing you'll get the critiques back up eventually. smile I'm completely willing to work with the character to make her effective.


I can't critique until you have a character to critique ^^;
All you've got there is a name and the serum ^_~
PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 9:58 am


[ .Jade Nymph. ]


I'll mention again that the first name is unlikely to be realized significance from the staff, given that it is in Chinese and none of those that administer the serum speak the language - and a coincidence would be a bit much.

[Snipped for post... Lengthy... Longie... Issues. Whatever.]

Though as far as being staff AND a subject, no can do. The only way that happens is if someone's staff first and then screws up and gets sent to "The other side of the fence". Or, rarely, IC development where a character piques the interest of a higher-up. But even then, they're not usually working in the labs. Moreau's a control freak.


I suppose the name was going a little too far, but the Dai-Die thing was too irresitable to let it just sit there in my mind. I'm now thinking of Dai-Tao, which means 'leader' or 'head of _____'. Ambitious parents at work there.

Also, Dai just had to finish her time in college, which was only one year. [She was 20 when she left China, and if I'm wrong, you leave college at 21?]
She didn't really need to work as hard if she knew in the back of her mind that there was only one year left. I'm planning on changing the third to fifth best in the class.

I never really thought about adding what she majored in,
[It's a bit trivial, no offense...]
But it'll be something I'm going to look into. Maybe journalism and some writer thingy, and some history stuff, but no math. Dai's bad in that department already. I think I'm only going to make her take 4 or 3 classes. As for the 'dump', it's a bit hard to explain... I suppose that if her daughter couldn't make it, Dai's parents either thought that it was too hard for their little girl
[Which they would never admit, in any case.]
Or that their little girl, their smart little girl, was just too smart for Standford and the other people were just jealous, something they would more readily accept than Dai being to 'stupid' for Stanford. Either way, they don't like Stanford. They can't exactly yell at Dai - She's disabled, and if anyone found out, the case would be much more big than with a regular child.
[An example is that I recently went to the eye doctor. The eye doctor told me and my mom that reading in the dark or in the car, drawing too close, or watching electronic screens, all things that my mom has been trying to make me stop doing, has nothing to do with deteriorating eyesight - My corneas will rot if I stop all these things or not. My mother didn't say in the office where the doctor would hear, but as we went to the car, she quipped that she didn't trust that eye doctor and wouldn't go back again. She just couldn't accept that she had been wrong all these years. It's much easier for her to think that the eye doctor was just sticking up for me, the kid - Her customer.]

As for the physical and mental changes, I'm mainly focusing on how her legs are improving, and what's happening. The artist can draw however s/he wants, but mainly the post is for rough draft ideas for the future than anything else.

As for working for Moreau, it was a bit of a far-fetched theory anyway. Being a drug consultant's daughter, I thought maybe that she could help him without knowing it. You know, he asked innocent questions such as 'Do you think that the FDA would approve of so-and-so?" And she'd reply that her father had found a loophole that he could use. But that's just gooky. Wouldn't lead to any plot thing or whatever.

I hope I haven't annoyed you too much, and would like some feedback... I'm always up for a good debate, and thanks again for giving me loads of new ideas! ^^


*nods* I like the modification on the name.

I would argue pretty strongly that a major in college, especially in teh later years, is very significant, especially if the person is studying well enough to actually rank in a class.
And do keep in mind that Standford is an ivy-league school and most colleges have classes at MINIMUM of 30 students, at least until the really upper level classes. And Standford is going to already be a university full of students that excel. Ranking in every class in a variety of subjects (including Math - which she would be required to take at least a few classes to graduate) is tough. Especially if she can't do very well with Geometry-up. Most college requires at least some statistics and calculus.
Especially coming from China, which unfortunately sucks in the realm of higher education, any respectable American university would have been viewed highly, especially Stanford - which is respected in America. And given how credits transferring between colleges in the same State is hard enough, she probably would have had to take more than a year of classes to get her degree there.

Island of Moreau
Captain


Island of Moreau
Captain

PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2006 10:23 am


Gallen Storm
Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Gallen Storm
Character Name: Gallen Alexander Marcuss
Serum Animal(s): Serum 54 for anthro ocelot
Quest Thread:Gallen Alexander marcuss


Keep an eye on your spelling in places - just as a note.

The way Feral Labs likely procures their samples is through making donations or grants to researchers who are studying animal species currently. Say someone is in a zoological society that has ties to feral labs, who is studying Canines (like Kiniro's Wild Dog quest character) - Feral Labs promises an X thousand dollar grant in exchange for sending them 40 samples of fur while they're at it. Or makes an under the table offer for stem cels. Or make a big contribution for a zoo for several animal samples.
They're not going to have a single go-for going around the world building a Noah's arc of samples - it's not economical, and it would raise eyebrows more than the other way around.

You have them then have a diary that somehow made it to the states. The only time the serums were used were on Moreau's island. Also, if they were just biologists/zoologists collecting samples, then they wouldn't have participated in the actual genetic research on the island. They likely wouldn't have even been working directly for Feral Labs, but another smaller company that had ties, or given a grant separately.

Additionally, even if they HAD gone to the island, there would have been no contact back to the mainland. Any lab tech that goes there stays there.

Now, if you want to have the parents be geneticists having been recruited by Moreau (and still working for the island), that is a completely different story - although it is VERY likely that he would have been hesitant if they still had a kid in school/dependent on them. And also less likely that Gallen would be taken in as a subject without a very good reason if his parents were working on the lab staff.

it sounds like you need to take the character in one direction or another: It is interesting to play a character who is noticing Feral Labs' disappaearances. BUT, again, there is almost no way to build a case from one city in one country based on call-ins. Most of the subjects came from all over the world - some were declared dead (Vasile), Some DID go missing (Ambrose), and yet others like Amaya were adopted orphans, others like Lauren were taken off the streets and would likely never be missed. Others like Cassidy were there for a long-term employ anyway.
Admittedly, Feral Labs is a BIG company. It has its hands in lots of pies, and I'm sure that there are conspiracy theorists out there who have tried to link it to things as far off as the Kennedy Assassination. So it's not out of whack if Gallen is trying to make logical jumps.

So essentially it sounds as if the death of hte parents, the mysterious disappearance of the sister are you tryign to find a way for Gallen to have a chip on his shoulder as far as Feral Labs goes, in order to start the radio program to spout conspiracy theories against Feral Labs specifically.

But Feral Labs is not in the business of disappearaing people in general. The people they DO disappear - go to the island. So the parents' death doesn't sound like something the company would do.

Here's a suggestion. Have your characters' parents die doing whatever it is they do overseas (not even necessarily collecting genetic material. It's superfulous and an unnecessary tie to Feral Labs. maybe they're archaeologists or something that would require them to travel to extreme locations).
Then, you have your character living with his sister until he turns 18, when he is legally old enough to live on his own - she disappears. Maybe, maybe she was doing genetic work in college and she got a job as a technician on the island - or some other Feral Labs staff. She says she'll write, but she never does. He gets worried and begins to dig on info for Feral Labs, and this leads him to start his show/carry a banner against Feral Labs. Hell, maybe he even, in his obsession, blames them somehow for his parents' death, even if it's entirely unrelated.

I think it would be very NEAT to take that to an edge - having a radio show as a conspiracy theorist, with his major target being Feral Labs. Done through the avenue of the "missing" like you say - in trying to gather evidence, but trying to form linkages even if it's not really there. Among other suspected Bad Things that the company is doing. It makes sense considering how big the company is that it would have a naysayer. It would probably be a novelty enough for a station to aire, even if at a bad time slot. This would like you say, obviously rankle feral labs, especially if they tried to raise a lawsuit against him. BUT on that same note, would have to be VERY careful as to how they "disappear" him without turning him into proof positive of his theories.
PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2006 10:32 am


Graphophobia
Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Graphophobia
Character Name: Finn Monroe
Serum Animal(s): Panda, or Lemur, or Sand Cat
Quest Thread: Quest Thread

I have Finn entered in the 10k raffle, so don't take the animal into account when you judge his character. <3 Also, I'm waiting until after the raffle to actually make-make the thread, so it's a bit bare at the moment. ^^;


First off, I really like the fact that you have three different animals in your quest thread that you like. That way, if one gets on, you have backups :3

The method onto the island works - it would probably technically be a company internship on the Island (since he hasn't graduated college yet) for money/credit. Likely, his "excuse' back to the mainland when he doesn't return is that he showed promise and was offered a full time position even without his degree, getting on-site training.

Nothing sounds wrong with the character. :3

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Island of Moreau
Captain


Island of Moreau
Captain

PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2006 10:46 am


Daybreak-A
Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Daybreak-A
Character Name: Howie Carmichael
Serum Animal(s): Cynthia Moth
Quest Thread: Moth to a Flame

Any advice is muchly appreciated!


Howie sounds like a fun character to play! He's got personality, isn't CRAZY, and would be easy to disappear ^_^.

Honestly, though, as far as the way onto the island - it sounds a bit overblown compared to the rest of the character. Just as a suggestion, It would be just as likely for a scout for Feral Labs to have gotten his medical information from a time he might have been brought into a low-cost urban clinic for a scrape.
Once his info was in the systems, he might have been selected as a subject by Moreau, and a street rep offering him a good wad of change to do a job for them...
It just sounds more plausible for the scale of the character versus the international chase and being dropped for dead in international waters.
Heck, he might have even gone scouting for a way out of the city (and answered one of the ads that Feral Labs runs in some papers for a community for homeless (on approval)) to get away from the mob boss if you are attached to that aspect of his past.

Other than that the character sounds great :3
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The Island of Dr. Moreau Questor Central

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