Welcome to Gaia! ::

I haven't listened to Incubus in a while myself. A couple weeks ago, I was compelled to listen to Light Grenades and I loved it. I have just been so enthralled with new artists that I haven't listened to a lot of the stuff I use to love in a long time. The last time I listened to Rage is when I downloaded the bootleg of their original Coachella. Besides that, it's been 2 months sinse I listened to anything of theirs really, and probably another 2 before that... I've only listened to System of a Down once this year and I use to absolutlely love them. Even Radiohead I haven't listened to really for a while, until I put Kid A back in my alarm clock... Oh. It's so wonderful to wake up to that. I lie in bed until after How To Disappear Completely. Speaking of new music, there was a sale at the local music store, and I got 9 CDs for $10. Concidering one was a UK import that I really wanted and probably would have cost $15 to order, I'm happy with the purchase, and I got a Jethro Tull CD I had wanted for a while to. If the other stuff is no good, atleast I got to listen to some stuff that probably very few people have heard. One of them was by a guy named King Black Acid or something... I just picked all the ones I found with interesting names or album art.

Besides my Buckethead/Frusciante order comming in and getting 9 CDs for $10, I had a pretty terrible day, but I guess it's one of those things that make me a stronger person spiritually and more resolute in my path. Further than that, I'd rather not go for the time being.

I don't think I really have much courage. I can talk about stuff, but when it comes down to action, I hide. I suppose I'm original, but it's not a matter of finding the strength to oppose the sheep of popular culture, but for an utter disregard as to what others think. I have nothing to lose. When it comes to the pointless frivoloties of the "plain lines" set for me, I pretend that I'm free in my head, but I act like I'm not. I really do hold onto the illusion of secruity by following the pattern, and I suppose I am not so tightly held to it as I once was, but still. In the end I do what I'm told, and whether it is for my own sake, or to make my mom happy, I don't know... I haven't found a place that I "belong" if such a place exists... atleast, not outside of myself. I suppose I feel as though I am the only person who truely appriciates me, or maybe I just won't let myself believe that others do... Either way, the more I look at things, the more it seems that those who I thought were friends are just as fake as everyone else, and those who really do seem genuine... I just don't have any connection with anymore. Perhaps that is just my current state of mind. I don't feel their presence.

I hate Alabama. How many times do I have to say that? But living here is a burden that I have decided to bear, for the time being. That and the fact that I can't exactly leave at the moment. Or I can, but like I said, I value my false security more than a change of scenery. Perhaps I am just jaded, but I'm sceptical to the idea that anywhere is going to be any better. As I've said before, it's all in how you feel, your perspective of the place creates the beauty or the uglyiness. I suppose there are both everywhere. The extent to which everything is in decay is moving in a very beautiful way, but that sort of thing is not very uplifting or affirmative. I really don't travel very much, even within the confines of Alabama. I mean, there is Tuscaloosa, where I live. College town of a predominantly party college with an immence football tradition. And there is Birmingham. A big city. With concert venues. And a pretty big mall nearby. With a Best Buy. I mean, I have been up to the Appalachian foothills a couple of times, but it was not to revel in nature's majesty. It was to visit someone. There is nothing uplifting hear besides fleeting moments. Otherwise it is climatically hot and humid, and emotionally cold and desolate.

This all sounds very depressed of me, but honestly a negative outlook is how I make it through the day. If I try to feel all positive and happy then terrible things happen that overshadow it. If I don't, those terrible things don't matter. It's not being sad so much as just being a little numb. Honestly music is a large part of what keeps me going. It is connection in a distant world.

It's late, so I'll tell you what stories I can think of tommorow. I'll look into that book. But like I said, I don't really read. The time just never comes for it.

Say what you would like. Your last one was very... nice. You have a beautiful writing voice.

Im posting again...Im not sure why...right now Im feeling indesribably sad and alone. Maybe sadness is a purity that brings you down to earth...I dont know, and I cant pretend to know.
I hope youre doing well.

I never really expected anyone else to ever post in here. In fact I never thought about the posibility of others reading what we wrote.
Alex(greer) and I are the same age as you...and I find it enjoyable to post about the small things I do everyday. Its grounding, and it helps others to understand you. I think you can always appreciate the small things in life, its just that some people see it as pointless. On the other hand there are those that give thanks everyday for what they have. I appreciate my conversations with Alex, John Frusciante, the comatorium, and how my friend is always trying to make me smile.

I find that I have trouble staying grounded. I never feel like Im fully on earth, and to be honest, I dont mind.


Babble.

I'm probably going to stop using gaia relatively soon... My friend who is the only reason I have an account here is quiting her account so I will probably follow suit. But I'll just send you regular emails instead probably. I haven't really made up my mind if I'm going to quit or not, but probably I will.

Just so you know. I would tell you some stories of my life, but 1.) I still have a lot of homework and it's 10:30 and 2.) I have yet to think of anything remotely interesting or important that has ever happened to me. Here is the best I could come up with.

When I went to see DJ Shadow with Cameron, the first thing we learned is that you can't pass a truck with only a hundred feet left before the lane ends (We ended up clipping one of those orange and white sand cones). We also learned that people don't wait in line for DJ Shadow, so we were waiting there for like 4 hours before anyone showed up at all. But we did get to hear the sound check through the wall of the venue... Also, I don't know, I was really stressed out about that show, so I didn't have as good of a time as I should. That always seems to happen. There is so much stress surrounding the concert itself that I don't enjoy myself as much as I should. That is why the best concert I've ever seen was Collective Soul, because there was no stress at all. It was like a 15 minute drive, it was free, just in a big field on campus, we had the perfect place, front row center, I had a good time just hanging out with my friend, the croud wasn't too obsessed with the bands so we could just enjoy them. I mean it was just a nice laid back atmosphere and I have never been to a show that had that. There are always various dicomforts, and stressors and all that, and usually a lot of them. This show, it was just ******** freezing. That was it. But we had an amazing time. I mean, even when we saw Nine Inch Nails, we had shitty seats, we were kinda messed up after the 8 hour drive, and I was familiar enough with their music not to get the enjoyment of hearing the stuff for the first time but also not familiar enough to be like "Oh, that's from The Fragile, I love that song, track 4 off of the first disc". And then when I saw them again, I was really into their music, but my friend I went with was having a miserable time, so I felt really bad for him... So yeah. Nothing is any fun. Hurrah.

I'll try and come up with some better story before I post again.

I will definately email you very much if I do infact quit (I believe the trendy word is "hiatus". Everybodies doin it!). And I did enjoy the concert, but not as much as I could have.

I think us both hating fake people and not like eating says... that we should eat fake people.

I'm gonna do this quick, becuase, not that I mind or anything, but I do lose a lot of sleep writing these things every night, which is why I don't always post... Because I needs my sleep. But okay...

I'm not boring. Honestly, the quote in my signature sums up my feelings about that perfectly, which is why it is perhaps my favorite quote ever. "I"m a star this life's the suburbs. I commute." Saul Williams is a beautiful genius... Anyway, I think I am amazing, and if I don't actually do much interesting stuff, it doesn't matter, because much like possessions, I am not defined by experiances, but on how I look at what I have experianced. I don't know, I don't like myself all the time, but I definetely love myself, and at the end of the day, I couldn't be anyone else. I'm really interesting, and amazing, and special (and modest and not the least bit concieted... but hey, if I thought I did a shitty job of being me, then I should kill myself or something...) in a boring and mundane world. Everything else is trivial, and yes, sometimes I focus on the trivial, but in the end, I'm love being me.

I've basically, conformed to the traditional lifestyle in American society. Yes, I may "Rage Against The Machine" but in no real concequencial ways. I'm "rioting for better conditions in the prison" as Krishnamurti would say. But at the same time, atleast in my concious thought, I really am free, atleast to a greater degree than most (now is not the time to point out the fact that freedom is either an absolute or not at all... which it is.), and I think I have the potential to get beyond this s**t, if not in action, than in spirit... I don't know, and for right now that doesn't concern me. I'll do what I can, but live in the moment. Or whatever. It's perhaps not the amount of good that is important, but the effort to do good that counts. I'm happy with where I am for the moment. Also that whole materialistic consumer American society thing... I'm more a part of that then I would like, but there too I am getting better. And I guess there is a part of me that sometimes wonders what it would be like to be normal, and do all of those nice social teen things like everybody else, but I like experiancing something different. I'm making a choice to give up those things... Or something. I don't know... Also I conform to authority. I don't break laws that I would get in trouble for. I don't speed very fast. I do what authorities tell me to do, but at the same time, if they don't tell me, I will do as I please for the most part, not as they intend... I'm sure there are more ways that I conform, but to me, conformity is not being yourself, and I feel that I am very true to myself most of the time.

About that clip... Uh... I don't have any. I've only recorded one song at the moment, and it's not mixed for playing yet... And it's just an instrumental improve. So it could take some time. But when I get one with me singing, you will be the first to know. I'm really not a very accomplished musician. I just play improv blues most of the time... I only know like 4 or 5 full songs... Covers aren't really artistically fufilling at all, and I'd rather just jam chords and lead and stuff... But I am going to write some for guitar and bass. I'm really excited about it. And I'll throw some vocals on there for you or something... But that won't be for atleast a couple of weeks at this rate. Unless I really sit down and put some serious hours into this.

So, you, boring? Conforming? Inquisitive minds must know. Although I can't see how you would think yourself boring... then again, there is that shifting baseline...

And Death Cube K. Avant-gaurde dark ambiance with Buckethead. I love it.

Okay, so what you are saying is that we both know you aren't boring, but we had to ask if I was... I see. Great.

I mean, when it comes to conformity, really I think the degree to which I conform to base social expectations is becuase of my mom, and I don't want to upset her anymore than life already has. It's the least I can do for her. But honestly, otherwise, very apathetic most of the time. I don't care what other people think, mostly becuase I don't like or trust them. I mean, really I'm not a confromist or a nonconfromist, thought I do do a little of both. There are certian things that I am so opposed to that I make a concious choice to do the opposite, which in it's non-conformity is a sort of conformity, but things are so complicated that calling it conformity or non-conformity doesn't really mean anything. We speak for ourselves, but for some reason, we are compelled to qualify everything in neat little terms. I don't know... It's all subjective.

Something you'd like... Um... My govenment teacher is a really cool guy and we listen to CDs every day at lunch, like Death Cube K, Buckethead, Mad Season (oh my god, amazing...) The Church, and Mother Love Bone (all those he brought in, I brought in some Radiohead, Tool, I'm Not A Gun, MC5... just a lot of different stuff)... And we just talk about random stuff, like he said he was going to sell his amp, so I was like "I'll buy it off of you." So yeah, I'm getting a nice amp. And we've done all sorts of weird things, like tried to googleearch Mecca and stuff. We tried to see if you could see the Great Wall from space but we couldn't find it even with a map telling us were it was... But the thing I thought you would like is that his girlfriend made him go see Hinder with her, and when I told him that Tool was touring, he was like "Oh yeah! I'm going to get tickets and be like, you know how you made me see Hinder? Well we're gonna go see Tool!" It was hillarious.

Um... anything else that you might like... Um... Colonel Claypool's Bucket Of Bernie Brains. Arguably one of the most vertioso groups of musicians ever assembled... I think I've talked about them a bunch before, but that's what we listened to today at lunch... and they are unreal. I mean, any member of the band is worthy of having a band built around just their talent, and basically, they all have. Claypool and Brain of Primus (and solo careers, plus countless colabs), Buckethead, and Bernie Worrel of Parliment/Funkadelic fame (which I didn't realize Bootsie Collins was in... I just had heard of his solo stuff...). So anyway. Amazing. Not only do Buckethead and Claypool play seemlessly together, but the whole group is very much cohisive... But also, apparently the Bernie and Buckethead part originated from a band called Praxis which apparently had Bootsie in it as well (from which he gave Buckethead the review of "rippinest guitarist in the universe) and a bunch of other big names... So I really want to get some Praxis too. Anyway, check C2B3 out. I think you'd like it.

Also, apparently my mom went to a workshop featuring this artist who did sonic sculptures... like where you go into a room that is designed with sensors that make music according to your movements and at the same time, the very structure itself creates a sort of rhythm... Or that's how she explained it to me. It's basically like audience created chance music in concept-sculpture form or something. It sounded amazing.

My Calculus teacher took today to explain to us how our generation is terrible, and how our parents did a crappy job raising us and we have no dicipline and we are going to ruin this country. But she wasn't directing the statements at the class, but at the rest of the generation I guess... Because she was like "you all are going to have to be the future leaders." It's funny how old people always think things are screwed up. I wonder if the world is better or worse off do to supposed "advances" in science, psychology, technology, all that... I suspect it isn't, but at the same time, I think we are just in the same place. As said in "Waking Life", "The story of human history is just the continuous addition of 0's. No greater values have developed." And I am incline to agree... And I don't know... I just resent the ******** out of people who look at the world from the perspective of "an American"... Like the interests of "this country" matter at all, except for in the arbitrary game of pitting us vs. them. We have to do news article reports every 2 weeks and I always take mine from the Axis Of Justice website, but they don't really stimulate much conversation. Like no one cares that the US is totally ******** over developing nations to keep them cheap sources of reasources, easy markets to flood with exports, and cheap sources of labor. Whenever I write about this stuff I make an effort to not use any personal pronouns, because I never agreed to be part of this mess of a country. Why do people so quickly take that as part of their identity. Thomas Paine said "I am a citizen of the world. I do good to help the human race." I mean that's what it should be about. What can we do to make the world better for others, not rich for ourselves. This country is so ******** decadent and lazy. It's disgusting. And our culture is so ******** up that even our counterculture is a bunch of labeling traditionalists trying to get out there like good capitalists and be better than everyone else... Just in a different "social system". I need to become a hermit or something. Find spiritual enlightenment or something... I guess this isn't something "you'd like," but I don't know.

So yeah. Talk about something I'd like. And whatever else. What do you want to know about me?

I hate kids. Basically. So I enjoy hanging out with teachers. I already talked about my gov teacher (by the way, I bought his 100 Wat amp and it is amazing... it's such a beast...) After school I visit my old pre-cal teacher who has amazing taste in music and is just a really weird guy. He celebrates International Talk Like A Pirate Day which is just so cool. Plus he has all 80 of Frank Zappa's CDs, as well as just randomly letting me borrow random amazing music (like he got me in to Les Claypool, expanded my understanding of Captain Beefheart, and has burned from the vinyl like 15 Frank Zappa albums for me). Then I have the AP English teacher who's first concert was The Who touring My Generation. He saw Hendrix. And basically everybody else. When it comes to classic rock, you mention something and he has a story for it. We were at some sort of a pep-rally thing and Break On Through came on and he was like "I remember sitting in the back of a car when that album came out... I had never heard anything like it..." He named his goldfish Crosby, Still, Nash, and Young and refers to Bob Dylan as "God". But he also does the same thing with classical literature. He will talk about how a book by Faukner changed his life or how he reacted when he first read some work by Hemingway or something. And then there is my 9th grade English teacher who is just so cool. She's a hardcore feminist and basically hate the whole system, but talks like she doesn't unless she knows it's safe to. But she has really cool taste in art, music, literature, and theatre and stuff. She's a fighter and I really think that's cool, and she sponcered the political discussion group (now defunct) that I cofounded. So, basically a couple of the teachers at my school that are way cooler than any of the kids (well, there are a couple of exceptions...), so I hang out with them instead of the immature teen-age punk a** bitches that make up the vast vast majority of the student population.

Adam sounds like a really cool guy. Even though I resent the ******** out of talented people (especially since I'm one of them and didn't do s**t with it yet... That only occationally bothers me. I'm feeling better about it.). But anyone who likes MC5 is cool by me.

My brother's name translates to John Smith. It's sort of funny how that worked out. I like my name, but I think I'm going to go by something completely different when I go to college. Like Sid or Xavier... A lot of people call me by my last name and it kinda pisses me off...

Greek God... I don't know. They all seem pretty much like dushebags to me. Maybe Hades, because I can't think of as many examples of him being a d**k. He seemed like an okay decent guy. Or Dionisis (or whichever one is the goddess of the hunt) becuase she killed people for hurting animals and was all nature spirity and all that. Greek mythology isn't really my thing. I like Norse mythology better but I don't know a whole lot about it. It's probably my scandanavain heretige. How about you? No, you know what, which Norse god would you be? And which Greek one too.

Today I... woke up pretty early... but didn't do anything. I watched something about the making of Joshua Tree. I talked to my dad about how awesome Captain Beefheart and The Who are and we listened to some of their music together. We played a little blues. Watched TV I guess... I practiced some bass. Did laundry. Called a couple people but they were busy with other things. Ate a pizza. Took a shower. Listened to most of Electric Tears. Listened to my iTunes on random. Which reminds me. PE's recent stuff... Good. Same with Elvis Costello's more recent work, especially the stuff with the Imposters. Them's my boys. That was it. I do nothing. But it's okay. I totally expanded my mind today to. Meditated on the direction I'm going. Thought about who I am as a person. Watch some Daily Show repeats...

Something I really care about. People mostly. My friend Rachel. And Tessa up in Seattle. I mean, there are a few people I care about, but I don't think I really care about them all the time. maybe I do... But sometimes I go through periods where I don't care for anyone much at all. I really care about the integrety of art and music, and how that is what really matters, it isn't just an impractical source of entertainment. It is what makes life meaningful. I care about my music. I really want to be in a serious band, but that hasn't happened yet, mostly becasue kids are... I ******** hate kids. I really care about my mom, but at the same time, I don't know. It's sort of weird... I care about who I am most of all. What I do with myself as a person, my beliefs, my thoughts and feelings, I think those things matter the most to me. I guess you could say it's my identity that I cherish. I don't know. I really care about real human moments, real conection... That's why I love people despite the fact that I hate humanity. Because every so often you find in them what is really real. And the rest of the time it's like wading through bullshit. I really care about peoples right to be free and to live their lives without others trying to get in their way. I guess that is the source of my political and social ideology. But at the same time, I think we need to tell people when they are assholes, and create a society where the fact that some people exploit others to get ahead is disgusting, not admired. I want to live in a society where people's dreams aren't "to get rich" or "to be famous". I want people to be real, and not lie for the sake of social graces. That is the biggest source of bullshit there is. So I guess that's what really is important to me. Dignety, and the right for everyone to have it, and to actually want to keep it. To not live in a world where everyone is a whore... Which is what it seems like most days...

What are some more things that you really care about (I guess I already know some)? What did you do today, oh she-who-has-an-interesting-life? Talk about a musician you really like that you haven't talked about before. And talk about the last time you got lost in the moment, like when the world was just so holy and perfect that you just got goosebumps... (I mean if that ever happens to you... That sort of thing is what I live for...) Why are you depressed? Is it the general state of the world, something in partuclar, or do you even know (those are the three things for me atleast...)?