Welcome to Gaia! ::

thanks sweatdrop

Granted I haven't looked over your stuff yet in detail and so am not completely sure I'm thinking about the same thing you're talking about--but if I am, yeah I've seen that used a few times in stuff I've read, but I don't remember it being in the grammar book we were using last year. So basically, I don't think I've got a definite answer either XD. If I know more or know for certain when I get to your stuff, I'll say...

((NOTE: This is purposely made after people, places, and guilds on Gaia. Naturally, when I make the Video-Game/Mass-RP, it will have 2 versions. The serious one (not shown) and this goofy one. I am not asking for a punctuation or spelling check-up, because I fix that later. I am looking for some breammar improvements and clarity of plot and storyline. These paragraphs, although having soem organizations, these following paargraphs do not have organization to a level of presentability.))

Basically, this is a story/game/RP about Yoder (ruler of the Prime Regime, which is the military order he brings about), an evil dictator who takes over the RPR, desecrating all that the previous owners strived for. The land is under strife and persecution, Yoder having a hand in nearly everything that goes on. Still, in all this turmoil and oppression, there is a resistance. They are the Gluggle Society, protectors of the secret/forbidden art of the "gluggle". It has been lost to the rest of the world, but its power is unmatched. The head and co-head f the Gluggle Society is Ivellias and Mitena. They are the keepers of the Gluggle. They meet in secret, to prevent being stamped out by the Prime Regime. Their current meeting spot, still unkown to the Prime Regime is a tavern known as "the Guild". The Guild is owned by a nice woman, Alwyn. To combat this retaliation, Yoder formed a group of loyal agents, their main gola being to weed out the Gluggle Society members. Most of them may act on their own, not requiring permision as to which way task or mission is completed, because Yoder trusts their judgement. This group is known as the Birthday List. Their leader, and right hand of Yoder is DTT. She, along with severl aother members, make their headquarters at a lonely inn known as "The Hidden".

Now, you may wonder, "Where does all opf this "Avatar" and "Arena Dueling" stuff come in?". Well, Aegis (whether a deity or corporation, depending on the time period chosen), the Protector of all living things saw conflict ages before the RPR became a nation. The land the RPR now sist on was once divided into dozens of tribal clan known as Gaia. The fiercest clan, led by Yasha of Silver was known as the RPR-Gaia. Yasha of Silver was growing very powerful and began eradicating opposing clans daily. To prevent the senseless slaughter yahsa of Silver Brought upon the other clans, Aegis invented a new way to batte. This way was through a the magical clones of the clans fighting. This way, Avatars could fight, wins or losses happening, without any bloodshed occuring. The other clans accepted this art form readily. Although many clans were defeated by Yasha of Silver and the RPR-Gaia, they never suffered any actual losses, because the actual people weren't fighting. yasha of Silver noticed hs forces diminishing, because they were being defeated, but the enemy clans could not be. So, Yasha of Silver implemented Avatars into his militray forces. In the end, Yasha of Silver conquered every enemy clan, save one, Guild-Gaia. Battles raged on for decades, but finally Yasha of Silver claimed the victory. Now the entire continent under his control, he organized the captives, makig them subjects of the nation, just like any other member of the RPR-Gaia clan. The Gluggle Society is the remnant of the clan Guild-Gaia, still fighting against RPR-Gaia, but in enemy territory.

Well, since there was no more dispute between nations, Avatars grew to be an art form, used by only the most skilled of warriors. Then, it became a spectator sport, Arena Dueling. Rulers came and went, the nation of RP prospering under the partially-democratic, partially monarchic system of government. Then Yoder, ruler of a smaller continent known as The UP Crew (The continent of RPR has no knowledge of other lands beside their own), who had been gaining might over the years suddeny unleashed an onslaught against RPR, crushing it.

Avatara are gained by contacting those whom Aegis hadn picks for his purposes. Even Yoder himself honors Aegis, recognizing his power. Pandali was chosen to be the chief distributor of the Avatar aymbol. The ymbol is branded onto a person left upper arm, left cheek, and back. The symbol is so powerful that, if used for anything but recognizing sanctioned Arena Dulers, the person who inscribes it inproperly will die the second the symbol is complete. the symbol, though nothing spectacular on its own. has been blessed by Aegis with the most powerful of Clone spells. Arena Duelers are recognized by passing an ability test.

The symbol is branded on an Arena Fighter's lower back and middle forhead, that's all. To get an idea of what the symbol will look like, I have sketched up a quick picture:

It is basically 5/6 of an up-side-down equilateral triangle. It symbolizes how close this enchantment is to actuality (a full triangle being REAL cloning).

Okay, Pandali (who has 2 avatars), since she was chosen as Aegis's ambassador on earth has the power to alter the symbol. After seeing problems arise, she deicded to add her own hex to the symbol,

When someone summons their avatar, they say they are "Avy-ing" {An example would be: "Avy yourselves men." (as opposed to "Arm yourselves men.").}. This idea is a work in progress and Arena Fighters may just invoke their symbological power instead.

When your avatar is active, the user may not move as their spyche and conciousness have been completely transfered to their Avatar. So, the user just stand their like a statue, completely vulnerable.

Arena Dueling usually encompasses two Arena Fighters facing off. Naturally, in Arena Dueling their are some variations that have arisen over the ages. A Duel Royale is a free-for-all Arena Duel, while a Team Duel is a duel of 2 opposing factions. A Team Dule Royale encompasses the theory of a Team Duel, but contains more than just 2 teams. Of course, chalenges may be anounced to another Arena Fighter or group that go beyond even these fairly common limitations. These are known as Custom Duels.

The winner of an Arena Duel of any kind is determined if the opponent(s) or opposing team(s) have been compleetly defeated, have surrenedered, or a combonation of both. Of course, if specific guidelines are set in a Custom Duel that defy the afore-mentioned winning qualifications, they take precedence. Draws are possible is both/all opponents or teams have been incapacitated.

Fighting in Arena Dueling is vigorous are rigid, because, for the most part, the techniques and attacks performed during them would normally kill the user if they were actually fighting. Basically the Avatar literally has to die before an Arena Duel is over, meaning that spectators get the most enjoyment out of the event. Whe an Avatar has been disabled is disappears and the user's mind returns to his real body.

Since surrendering may be impossible if suffering an extreme and relentless onslaught of attacks, the user may willingly leave his Avatar's body to delcare surrender. Th instant a user's sould leaves its avatar, the opponent(s) may not unleash or perform any more attacks to that empty shell. The moment the user's soul returns to his original body, the surrender is complete, the avatar disappearing.

Oh, Goosey and the rest of the Birthday List are desendants of the clan Hidden-Gaia. They were an allying clan with RPR-Gaia ages back when yahsa of Silver had yet to conquer the other clans. They were the first clan to "fall". It was more of an assimilation. The Hidden-Gaia were known for being expert spies, ninja, scouts, assassins, theives, and agents.

The Hidden, the place where the Birthday List meets, is abandoned.

Goosey is a Rapid Arena Fighter, specializing in high-speed battles and getting the job done quickly and effectively. Snowman si this type, as well.

Ivel is a Combat Arena Fighter, specializing in strong and brute attacks. Data Lord is this type, as well.

BonBon is a Support Arena Fighter, specializing in auxillary tactics to aid allies and detriment enemies. Yukidaruma is this type, as well.

Those were are the three different specializations in which you may excel. You may choose only one and it determines how your avatar's stats and tactics will become.

Avatars are highly stylized compared to the user. Since this is during medieval-like time as far as technology goes, most people were simple clothing, but their avatars may brandish swords of gold and armor of sliver, while other may have royal blue magician's hats and navy blue cloaks, still other may possess coal black boots and ash white gloves. Avatars are basically how the user dream themselves to be. This means that every avatars is different and rarely makes a big change in looks unless the user does.

Oh, there are Signatures, which are a user's ultimate technique. It is very powerful and taxing, however, so it is only used in the most bleak of circumstances. At the start the user does not know this move, and they will slowly develop it.

This will not be an RP anymore. My main goal and idea right now is to make it a game or Flash move or sprite comic.

BonBon's Signature is the Confetti Storm, which bombards and surrounds the target with little shreds of colorful paper. The scraps make giant papercuts on the targets body and prevent him from moving. It acts like a tornado of sorts. Also, any lasting effect still upon any of her allies is disspelled and applied to the target once the spell has finished.

Ivel's signature is the Ferret Barrage. It launched many ferrets from behins ivel homing in on the target. Once hit, they latch on. Only a few may latch on to the target, and such, the excess positions themselves around the target, floating in the air, acting as land mines. While the ferrets on the target remain movement is random and slow. After a few seconds, the attacthed ferret bombs explode with the power of "gluggle". The target will go flying, possibly running into the other ferret mines. After about a minute the ferret mines will fade away.

~~~~~

Here are my notes. They are erratic, but that is how my mind works best. So, maybe this will help you get a better idea of along what lines I was thinking and what I have yet to include in the above portions. These notes are not for critique of any kind, but merely for reference.

Edit: I don't really want this to be an RP after all, but I'd still like it to be critiqued for content.

Ok, this is an RP idea I've been bouncing around with for a long time. I would really like for it to be a mass RP, but I know that I haven't got everything I need to continue it. So do your worst: I need it.



Those are the hard facts about Neo-Atlantis. Some of the more ephemeral stuff is the fact that the current Neo-Atlantian calender was adopted about 20 surface years after the peoples' retreat to the sea. Everyone has heard that there might be something on the surface, and most kids get a brief glimpse of it when they first learn to pilot an autosub. Autosubs are possible because there are opens pools throughout Neo-Atlantis that serve almost as garages, and auto-subs have the ability to move in three dimensions, because they are underwater.

Autosubs are watertight and resistant to the pressures of the sea so far down, but not immune to the effects. It is the general expectation that one does not spend a huge amount of time just cruising. There are several different types of bicycles that most people use to travel within Neo-Atlantis. Younger people casually call their home Neo-At. People are much more mature at younger ages in Neo-At, because their years are longer than surface years.

Neo-At is divided into sectors, each with its own purpose. There are 28 living sectors, seven at each of four corners, joined to each other by a short path which leads to a social sector and to the city by a longer path. Each living sector holds 20 homes, five per floor, which can each support a maximum of six people. The living sectors are named by the general ages of the people living there.

In the Nursery, children ages 2 months to 13 are kept. There are Nursery Caretakers who watch after the children's well-being when their parents are unavailable to care for them. They are also taught the very basics of social, scholastic and moral life in Neo-Atlantis. The Nursery is close to the entertainment and training sectors, so that smaller children can be kept occupied and older children can begin their education.

At 14, children graduate to Young Adult, where they are trained according to the availability of the jobs desired. The Young Adult sector is between the learning and working sectors and people stay there until they're 23, even though most begin working before then. Usually people meet their future mate in this living sector as well. Homosexuality and polygamy are not frowned upon, because people cannot have as many children as they like.

Each adult (14+) has one child right, permitting them to have one child. If they do not wish to have children, they may sell their right to someone who wants more, but it's frowned upon to sell one's child right while in Young Adult. When a homosexual couple wishes to have a child or two, the usual way to go about it is to find another homosexual couple of the opposite gender, then go to the doctor for artificial insemination, typically creating a bond through the child that prompts a polygamous relationship. Occaisionally things happen differently, but it's not usual.

From the ages of 24 to 49, people live in the Worker sector, producing things that the city needs, hunting, farming for food, disposing of waste so that it does not harm the people or the environment they so depend on. There are also some that care for the plants within Neo-Atlantis, because the plants absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen. The Worker sector is between the working and health sectors. Workers, however, are not only the mechanics, farmers and hunters. They are also singers, artists and writers. Some even begin careers as politicians, should the need for one arise.

At the age of 50, the citizens of Neo-Atlantis move to the Elders living sector. Many in this sector become politicians or gardeners, taking care of the plants that help make Neo-Atlantis thrive. Some Elders leave their jobs to live out the rest of their life in peace and some don't. It's up to them.

The living sectors are not as rigid as they seem, though. Some from every other sector are live-in nurses at the Nursery, and Elders who reach the point of inability to care for themselves are watched over by Workers or Young Adults. Some parents decide not to put their children in the Nursery and keep the children with them in the Workers sector.

Alright, I've done as much as I can without those hard-hitting questions that I haven't thought to answer yet.

Notice to everyone: Merlinic's been going through some tough s**t recently. Hence why she hasn't even been on Gaia for a week or so. Krome, however, should soon be returning to help with the backload of posts here.

Okay. Plan of action. I'll put this in the first post too...

1. Enkaii--enkaii seems to be gone but I asked krome to give it a quick go over just in case she's still checking in
2. Tsynni--Scarlett Vixen gave her some feedback already (thank you), but I'm going to go through the first paragraph or two in addition
3. DarkScarlettVixen, rp review
4. DarkScarlettVIxen, profile review
5. Majime Sayo, roleplay
6. broncogursky, profile
7. Shizuka_kage, profile--original reviewed by Saoshyant, so we're reviewing the second version
8. Tomoshibi_Kage, prose
9. Yoder, roleplay stuff
10. Eveilded, profile
12. Priestess of Rhiannon, roleplay
13. ananda082001, post

Hullo mates! I'm a tad new to Roleplaying, but I think I'm better than some people. If you could take a look at these two posts, I'd be very happy; I consider these two my best Roleplaying thus far.

Contex: I am Cpt. Russel Charter, a British military officer during WWII aboard a military train headed across southern Germany towards the Russian front. The train is under attack by German fighter planes.

For complete context, here is the RP.
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=14758299&page=8


"Charter acknowledged Sejanus, quickly taking cover behind a large coil of wire. He drew his revolvers, making sure each had all six rounds in them. He grunted, whipping the cylinders shut and clicking back the hammers. "Come on... steady..." he mumbled to himself, listening as the first group of Stukas swung by. He heard the thump and firey hiss of the pazerschreck rocket as Sejanus sent it barrelling into the air. The Captain looked up, seeing the Stuka the rocket had clipped, a small trail of smoke pluming from its wing. He leapt to his feet, holding both revolvers straight out in front of him, aiming down each gun's sights with his respective eyes.

He squeezed both triggers at the same time, both guns cracking as loud as sniper rifles, the massive ammunition discharging, sending the two bullets ripping into the Stuka's cockpit, tearing the pilot through. The plane kept flying level for a moment, then coasted to the ground, skidding across a field and into a tree, where it exploded in a sputtering ball of fire. He flashed Sejanus a grin as the third plane dissintigrated above them, the AA gun ripping it to pieces.

Charter looked back down the length of the train, finding that the rest of the Advocate had not been quite so lucky. Five or six wounded or dead soldiers lay slumped out of windows or doorways. "Christ," he mumbled as the Stukas swooped around, gaining altitude, levelling, and then diving back down towards the train.

The Captain spat off the side of the train, then hefted his revolvers again with a determined look on his face. He swung around, searching for another German fighter to get rid of. He saw one coming in low towards the heavy rocket launcher car; if it managed to hit the rocket, the explosion might blow the car in two, leaving all the cars in front of it to keep chugging along behind the engines, while all the cars behind would slow to a stop; sitting ducks for the Stukas.

He holstered one of his revolvers, placing both hands around the grip of the other one. The plane was too far off to aim for anything in particular, so he just aimed ahead and slightly above the largest part of the Stuka's sillouette. He took only a second or two to steady his aim, then let out three shots in quick succession: Crack! Crack-crack!

He saw two small sparks on the fuselage near the cockpit. The Stuka did not take any decisive damage, but it was enough to spook the pilot into pulling up and away from the heavy rocket.

Charter grunted with satisfaction, then spun around just quick enough to see the damaged plane (which Julie had done a number on earlier) heading straight for him; he hadn't heard its approach over the thrumming of a nearby anti-aircraft gun. Without thinking, he took the only option available to him, and leapt off the side of the speeding train, hitting the ground with a thud. He quickly got up, knowing that the Advocate would quickly steam past him if he didn't do something fast. He took off at a dead sprint, running alongside the train, which was quickly slipping past him."


Aplogies if you do not like violence. I'm not making you critique my entry if you do not wish to. :B But thank you in advance!

Gaian Name:kaynedragoon

Character Name:Kain Dragoon Darkblade.

Age:Actual age is unknown, but he is aware of 2000 years.

Race:Kain's heritage in unknown to him, but he is aware of his elven, vampiric, as well as dragonic blood.

Appearance:Kain is heavily built, muscular, and stands at 6'11". His hair is just below shoulder length, and is a fiery red. He normally has the hair around his eyes and brow slicked back so it's out of his eyes. From first sight you would never know of his heritages. From the mixture of blood he looks like an overly large human. He continuously wears his black leather coat with a red t-shirt underneath, black leather buckle pants, and a dark cape that covers around his body. The collar of the cape stands above his ears, and when it's worn over his shoulders you can only see his face from the front. His black steel Masamune sits on his right side at all times, yes even if he's sleeping. Behind his head is a silver cross. The handle to his silver bladed buster sword which he wears underneath his cape.

Personality:Kain normally and always keeps to himself. He doesn't like making friends, but is appreciative when he finally gets one. He is very shy and never talks to anyone unless they speak to him first or if there is a problem that he sees fit to step into. As a matter of friends, he is very loyal to them and would do anything he could in order to help them. He can be somewhat rude at times, but is normally very polite and caring of other people's thoughts and feelings.

Sexual Orientation:He is as straight as they come. He has no interest in the male body. He likes girls, but sadly can't find anyone that he can be with because he's too shy to just come up and talk to them.

Special Abilities:Kain was trained for a thousand years in very complex magic techniques. He was taught to heal instantly, control fire at his every whim, make the Earth quake, control tornados and hurricanes on the other side of the planet, and drench the earth in it's own seas, but he doesn't use any of these magic abilities unless he has no choice. He has wings that morph out of his back and has a full wing span thirty feet. He can fly for three days without getting tired.

History:Kain only knows about two thousand years of his life. He doesn't remember anything before he woke up and found himself in and old man's hut. The only thing he knew was his name. Because of Kain's short temper at the time, he thought that it was the old man that had erased his memory, but the man only found him half dead in the river. When Kain didn't believe him, he attacked the old man and ran into a wall of ice. The old man just merely stood there and smiled. He knew that Kain had gotten amnesia but didn't know how or anything that happened before that. So he offered to train Kain in everything that he knew so that Kain could travel the bowels of this Earth to find his lost memories. Kain agreed and trained with the old man for near a thousand years before he was finally ready enough to go out on his own. Kain was nearing his final test, when his master was assassinated by an unknown agent. The assassin tried to exterminate Kain as well, but was unsuccessful. The assassin died with a stab to the heart with Kain's Masamune. Kain then buried the assassin's body, and burned his master's in order to release his spirit. Kain then took his Masamune, and whatever supplies were left in his master's hut and left into the forest.

He traveled the forest for near three weeks and was out of supplies, but knew how to live off the land. He killed very few animals, and ate roots and berries. Another week went by until finally Kain came out of the forest. When he exited the ocean of trees, he was greeted by a small city. He traveled the city until he found a bar that housed vampires. He entered it to find that it wasn't only vampires that came to the bar. He found humans, mages of almost every race, this bar was welcome to any who would walk though its door. He met a young saint by the name of Ivan. They sparred every once and a while. Kain was beat senseless everytime. It was then that Ivan asked if Kain wished to become his apprentice. Kain accepted this request and learned the way of the Saint. Outside of training Kain was a mercanary so that he could not only test his new skills, but because he needed some much needed money. On one of his jobs he fought a fighter with a buster sword. Kain beat him, but only by an inch. Kain saw no use in leaving such a well made weapon, so he took the buster sword and used it for himself. At the end of his training with the Saint Ivan, Ivan had to leave on an assignment and needed Kain to stay and watch over his new home. As a going away present, Ivan gave Kain a silver cross and fused it with the buster sword, making it an even stronger weapon. The buster sword was now indestructible, immune to all magic and curses, and could cut through nearly anything. Kain did as he was asked and stayed at the vampire bar. Ivan came back about a year later, and Kain's time as the bar's guardian was up. Kain said his good byes and farewells, and left the vampire bar to further his search for his past. He now lives full time as a mercanary for hire while he travels the Earth for some kind of lead on his life before he met the old man 2000 years ago.

I really hope that this is enough. If it sounds cheesy just tell me. And full critizism please. I need to know where I can fix my flaws and how I should fix them. Thank you for your time.