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 Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 12:03 am
'The First Window'
"Hello! I'm Patrick Stewart! Star of TV's Star-Trek: The Next Generation, and the host of the documentary series 'MGM: When the lion roars'!"
*Okay, thats fine sir, can i take your order?*
"Yes! You can!"
*...And...what is your order, sir?*
"I'll have a Quarter-Pounder, with cheese. And! A side order of fries!"
*Would you like - *
"And! A Fillet. O. Fish."
"...Would you like a cold drink with that sir?"
"Yes! Yes. For the sake, of the future, of all mankind, i will have a small. Sprite."
*Okay sir, thats five-dollars twenty, could you proceed to the first window?*
"The First Window! The first portal to a new dimension, one greater, one more wonderous then our own!"
*No, just the first window of the drive through, please sir.*
"Yes. And so it is, that i proceed, to this 'First Window', of which you speak!"
*Thankyou sir.*
"...Approaching...Warp Speed..."
CRASH!
"What the f**k?! Mate, did you just drive into the back of me?!"
"Yes. It is so."
"Mate, are you some kind of f**king comedian?!"
"I am! Patrick Stewart."
"Mate, get out of the f**king car!"
"And so, with heavy heart, i hereby withdraw from the vehicle."
"Mate, look at what you've done to my f**king Duco!!"
"You! Accuse! Me!"
"Mate, f**kin aye i do!"
"Here's your order sir."
"What manner, of burger, is this?! And these, slivers, of potato extract?"
"Hey chrome-dome, are you going to f**king pay for my car or what, mate?! Mate?!"
WHACK
"Ah! I am, under attack!"
BIFF
"I must! Reason! With this - "
POW
"Mate, you are talking out of your f**king a**!"
CRACK
"Ah! And so, it is, that i bid you, and your people, farewell!"
Hits the floor.
"What a f**king dipshit."
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 3:36 am
And welcome back to the British Awards For British Films And British Actors Being Bitish, the Babfababbs. And your host, the very British, Jeremy Irons. "And so we come to the award for the Most British Actor of 2005. And the nominees are: Nigel Hawthorn, for 'The Madness of the Mad British Mad King'...""One may be mad, Lady Wisbytreadspontingtonbopher, yet one cannot help but admire that delightful, splendid and indeed quite marvelous, enchanting and lovely Elizebethan butterdish.""...Sir Anthoney Hopkins, for 'The Remains of the British Empire'...""If one might beg ones indulgence, Lady Woffingtonquaglywinslet, one might offer heartfelt congratulations for the splendid nature of ones simply delightful butterdish.""...Ian Richardson, for 'To Play the Brit'...""...Well, it seems once again that one has been invited to elevenses with no lesser person then Her Majesty, and the delightful Lady Quanfingtoncryslerparslowsprinslingwolverwover. One is in no doubt that the conversation will surely turn to butterdishes...""...And Hugh Grant, for 'Sense and Good Old Fasion British Senseblness'...""Um...if, uh, one might be permitted to um...barge in at this juncture, obviously, er...Lady Castersmcskarfingtonupdightwovingputnumflenchingplerpingdanforthrovingranferly... one would, obviously, feel like a something of a complete a** if one didn't mention that delightful, splendid and completely lovely butterdish.""...So it just goes for me to say that the Babfababb goes...to Hugh Grant."Well, quite a surprise there, as of course much of the film is set in the present day...
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 3:43 am
At last, a fragrance for the slovenly woman: 'Slaque Mole', by Lein Four Reek. A unqiue new parfarm for the woman with no self esteem. The woman who wanders aimlessly around the supermarket in trakkie-daks and moccosans.
'Slaque Mole', the frgrance who dares to say 'hey, i've really let myself go.'
If you couldn't give a stuff how you smell, this is the fragrance for you.
Break free, and tell the world what you really are.
'Slaque Mole', by Lein Four Reek.
Also available, 'Dud Root', for men.
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:45 am
Hi, Michael Kenny here with another
STEREO SOUNDCHECK!
A public service I provide for people with genuine stereo monitors wink
For those with a broken left speaker who cant be arsed getting it fixed Well, you cant read anything I'm writing right now, so suffer in your jocks, you cheap lazy b*****d! Whoops! I apologise for that breif muddle. and now we're ready for the STEREO SOUNDCHECK!Okay. If your monitor is functioning properly, the writing should be appearing in the center of the screen. Just to be certain, here's a funny icon! blaugh Now viewers, to test the left side of your monitor, i'll require your assitance. I'm wearing a brand new set of rollerblades. I'm not entirely comfy in them, but my girlfriend does ensure that i look Now, if you veiwing could pick up your monitor...c'mon, dont be shy... Whoa, be careful! Use both hands!! Dont drop it, dont drop it!!! C'mon, quit it!
Alrighty...now, very, very carefully, tilt it to the left! Whoaaa, careful careful careful!!! Keep a hand on it, c'mon!! There! I should now appear
to be on your
extreme left.
and while i'm
over here, i
think i'll rifle
through your
porno files!
Hmmm, lesse...
Ewww, this
is so gross!
At yet i'm
disturbingly
aroused.
Alrighty, enough of
that. To test
the right side of
your monitor,
tilt it over
to the opposite dir... Yeaaargh!! Watch it! I'm heading towards your music files!! CRASH! Ah hell, this
BA-NANA BAR BAR
is a disaster!
BA-NANA, BAR BAR Ring ring! Dammit!
BAR BAR, BAR BAR
I must've left
DUNA NUN NAR NUN Ring Ring! my mobile at
NAR NUN NAR NUN
the other side
DUN NAR NAR NAR Ring Ring! of the monitor!
DUN NAH NUN, NAR
Hey you, could you Ring Ring! NAR NAR, DUN NAR
Tilt the monitor back?! Whoooaaaa, this totally sucks!! Arrrrrrrrrgh!! Ah, got it!!
'Yellow? Hey babe!
Eh? Sorry hon, BUN NAR NAR, NAR NAR
DUNANUN DAR DAR, DAR DAR cant quite make
out what you're saying... DUNLADARDUN, DUNLARDADUN
DUNLARDADUN, DUNLARDADUN ...sorry babe, just a
tick...hey, veiwer? DUNLADARDUN, DUNLARDADUN
DUNLARDADUN, DUNLARDADUN Reckon you could
tilt the
monitor the other way? Whoaah, this doesnt get any better the more you do it!
Ha! Got it!
Hey?! What are
you doing?!
Dont tilt the montior
backwards!! Whooooooaaaaaa, you bastards!! Stop, i'm gonna puke!! I'll destroy all of you if you bastards keep this up!! Feck!! I'm heading for the exit! This has been Michael Kenny signing off from another STEREO SOUNDCHECK! CRASH!!
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:34 am
eek *is scared by the fact that Mikey appears to be on crak* xp
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 11:06 am
Meryl Tomorrow For those with a broken left speaker who cant be arsed getting it fixed Well, you cant read anything I'm writing right now, so suffer in your jocks, you cheap lazy b*****d! ((normally I wouldn't reply here. But I actually DO have a broken left speaker, and have for about 3 months. XD))
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Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:47 am
*shakes head at Mikey's boredom*
oh Dear...
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 1:05 am
The following episode of Space Goat has been rated '[O] - Morally Offensive' by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops. It contains shadowy rear nudety, and goat-on-goat sexual scenes.*Sci-fi action music whirls into action* Alone in deep space, with the planets and stars his only friends, he is more then just a mere goat, for he is -
SPACE *space* GOAT *goat*
It has been a lonely time on the praries of the planet 'Wyomon', where SpaceGoat has spent the long wintery months herding sheep, and fighting an unholy longing growing in his goat-loins - for a new goat has entered our heros life, from the Hollywood movie 'Ten Things I Hate About You'.
Heath Ledger has been working side-by-side with SpaceGoat, talking long into the night about his dissatisfaction at home, and his own unspeakable cravings.
SpaceGoat steels himself to take the relationship one step further, one step closer, one step forwards, two steps backwards, put your left foot in and take your left foot out, you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn about, and thats what it's all about, or is it?Series three, Episode one - GoatBack Moutain.*The wind moans across the desert as a fire crackles in the background. Old cowboy music plays somberly and quietly.* SpaceGoat: Baaa.Heath Ledger: Baaaa.*Suddenly cloth rustles, the sound of hooves galloping across the campsite is heard, and the cowboy music is turned into gay dance music. Rampart 'baaa's' are heard to the beat of the gusic.* Will SpaceGoat have sex with the guy from Donnie Darko? What will the Mormon majority of Salt Lake City make of SpaceGoat's shadowy rear nudity? What will the US Conference of Catholic Bishops make of SpaceGoat's shadowy rear?
And what
of the full frontal
SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAT!?! *Explosions and fireworks ensue* SpaceGoat is played by Margo Pomerance.
Heath Ledger played by Leath Hedger.
SpaceGoat animatronics done by Louey Rogers.
Stunts by the International Gay Rodeo Association.
Directed by Michael Carparkison for the BBC-I-Told-You-So
SpaceGoat has been sulliying the minds of good Christian children since 1996.
SpaceGoat is filmed in front of a live-studio audience.
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 1:43 am
Bittersweet love...
Fight my dear, don't give up.
A fragile hope
beating in a heart,
so easily broke.
The bitter thought,
of losing you...
I won't let you go
But I don't know what to do.
Look upon me...
Once there was a smile,
now an expression of pain...
has taken it's place.
Chase away the hurt...
Sweet kisses let me taste,
you're the one,
who can quench my thirst.
Draw you into me...
Bittersweet embrace.
How long will it last,
this moment here with you?
Will I wake to find you gone--
If so, what will I do?
Selfishly...
I'm hanging on tight,
I won't give up without a fight.
This feeling...
I won't just surrender.
Dissapearing won't make it any better,
so say you'll stay?
Bittersweet love,
I'll fight to protect...
I'd rather die than just forget.
- Feb/12th/'o6
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Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 7:40 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:35 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:28 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:45 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:35 am
Dramatic... that is how death should be.
The clash of steel on steel, sparks dancing in the air, the sharp twang of a bowstring and the whisper of and arrow, even the deafening crack of a gunshot has more to it than this creeping illness of the mind and body... a slow and painful death, measured in years and months not the rush of seconds that a warriors heart deserves...
I long for the flash of steel and the sharp pain that tells me the end is near now, this slow pain that never ends is killing me, but it is also slowly destroying my soul... there will be nothing left of me by the time the end arrives...
Should I choose another path, seek out death before my time? Would that be better than watching my mind slowly melt away?
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Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2006 11:11 am
Chess Pieces
We are pawns,
We attack the enemy.
We protect our King,
We move with our Queen.
We have no will,
We have no say.
We die for not ourselves,
We die for our master.
We await our move,
We wait to breathe.
We can only move foreward,
We cannot look back.
We are foreced to play,
We do not move willingly.
We are merely pawns.
We are nothing but chess pieces.
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Reply
