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Feel free to use my identity.

And if you want any help with proof-reading or editing, feel free to look me up.

Hmm, if you ever get to it. Could you help me with some tips on the storage room scene. I didn't think I did a good job on making it creepy. I tend to make my stories like movie scripts... it's a hard habit to break.

A list of a few things I'd like to point out:

-Mention the name of the town when you begin describing it. Changing the second sentence in the second paragraph to, "He took a left going to, Red Rum, Indiana--the nearest town," could easily solve this problem.

-I'm glad you limited your pronoun usage, but now you should also work on using variations of the same word or phrase. Note that the second sentence of the second paragraph ends with "town," and the next sentence begins with "the town." To eliminate repitition in words, you can simply just refer to the town by name again--Red Rum--or even use synonyms for "town" such as "village," "community," or "society." Feel free to use Microsoft Word's thesaurus feature or keep a dictionary handy when writing; if you feel a word is being used too much, just change it.

-When you do use pronouns, try to avoid using "he" or variations of "he" during situations involving two male characters performing different actions simultaneously. Case in point: "Called Mr. Porter as he entered the room to find a girl cradled in his arms." Although after reading this sentence a few times more, it is pretty clear that you are trying to say that Mr. Porter returned to this main room to discover Freddy holding Sherry, but it could also be interpreted as Freddy stepping through the main door after he opened it to discover Mr. Porter cradling the woman he had bound and gagged previously in the chapter. Readers should not have to read the same sentence multiple times to understand the message; by simply replacing the word "his" with "Freddy's," you eliminate a lot of confusion. I hope I made this point clear enough for you.

-Closure and unity is a wonderful device. Speaking of the bound and gagged woman, why not make a hint at what happened to her when Freddy enters the back room? You hint at Porter finishing "the cleaning" just before Freddy makes his return, but never hint at the aftermath of the murder until Sherry is dragged to the back to discover the corpse. Even when Mr. Porter emerges from the room when Freddy arrives, there is no mention of what he was doing back there. Was he cleaning? Why not mention it? Describe the character as making his entrance "wiping his hands on a wet, red rag." Why not describe the back room when Freddy goes in there to get the duct tape? Obviously, remains of the woman's corpse are back there somewhere, so why not point out that Freddy recognizes a dead body or is sickened by "the overwhelming stench of death and decay"?

-Watch verb tense! I'm assuming you are trying to place events in the past ("Dawn was cracking," "He wondered," etc.), so be careful of saying things like, "...he sees those crazy middle schoolers torturing the cat again," or using nounds or adjectives such as "today" that place the narrative in the present.

Alrighty then, I fixed some minor errors, the things you seen and added extra paragraphs explaining, further into the shop room and some tools that I didn't mention before. Well, it's the sledgehammer, but I just kind of pooped it in there. I also added other paragraphs in certain spots to explain things a little further. For instance, I went a little deeper as to why he thought of killing Sherry and Dan. Heh, I even changed the second person nonsense... Thanks for your help, I think you'll see it has changed for a better cause.

Heh, I might do that in a few minutes or something. I just spent almost 3 hours editing... But, it'll be worth it. Hmm, I really do apprciate the help. Becuase, it'll help get My english teacher off my back for a while and help me on my future films. Well, I hope to make it in the big showbiz... becoming a Hollywood sell out but still keeping some sense of style.

http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=1590685

Heh, there you go for anyone that wants to read it. I'm always open for suggestions and criticism, so fire away.

Hmm, I'm not sure about that one... I was going to have Freddy's parents be divorced to cannibal reasons and explain that when he gets home. He'll live with his mother who's settled down from the killing life, but still respected throughout the town.

Heh, when I started this story out I wanted it to be the most satirical thing I could think of.... But, now it has taken a serious twist I might have to go back and change some things. Like you said transition it so that he is one of the few normal people, but then slowly succcumbs to the lust of killing.