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Noel Redding is a pretentious a*****e. Doesn't make him any worse at bass though. But I like the guy who replaced him, Billy Cox I think it was. And Mitch Mitchel always seemed like much cooler than Noel.

I hate people who are like "If you're going to live hear, you need to learn our language. It's ******** pretentious. One of my best friends is Mexican/Guatamalan, and he helped a bunch of his counsin sneak across the boarder. The KKK is only scary if you are black or gay. Or maybe Catholic. I've never seen them, and I don't think they really do all that much anymore, besides be racist hicks. The Enchilada Verde Experiance sounds cool. I don't know, it just sounds different, and there really isn't enough of that. Violin is cool, but I'm not sure if I really want to learn it. I do want to learn piano and saxiphone/flute (apparently, they are very simular). And I'm working on learning drums now. Even though I still am very incompetent at bass and guitar. More on that later. Yes, what I have heard of Kings Of Leon I have liked. I've only heard a handful of tracks, but I've heard local groups do covers a few times and they have been cool. And they were on that Incubus thing with the Pretenders. The only time I've even heard of Death From Above 1979 is when you mentioned them before.

As the issue with the skirt. People are ******** terrible. Haven't we been over this already? Yes, most guys think that girls aren't worth their time unless A.) they are "hot", B.) they are "easy", or C.) they have hot and easy friends that if you are nice to them you can hook up with. I have no idea what girls see in guys. Honestly. Unless their sexual urges are just more repressed then guys. I don't know... the whole idea is just making me kinda sick. And peole wonder why everyone has affairs and gets divorced and everything is so ******** miserable.

College. Yes I'm going. For free. I'm a ******** genious. But I didn't follow through with any of my applications, so I'm staying instate. For the longest time I just wanted to get the ******** out of Alabama, and now I realize, it doesn't really make a difference. If I went to someplace out of state, things would be different, and yet esencially the exact same. It's about the internal state of mind. I mean, I got accepted to a lot of out of state places, but didn't apply in time for most of their scholarships. Honestly, if I wasn't going for free, I probably wouldn't be going next year. It just doesn't seem like a big deal. But a lot of my life has been "defined" by where I got my education, and that's what made me realise that it doesn't make a difference. I could have gone to the Alabama School Of Fine Arts which would have been a much better environment then the ignorace of a Tuscaloosa Public Education, or I could have transfered to an IB school and gotten an arguably "more satisfying" educational experiance than the AP program provides. But in the end, I am who I am. I'm not defined by these circumstances, but what I make of myself.

My band. We are called The Best Friends And Dad. It's sort of an inside joke that isn't terribly funny, but the name is atleast satisfying, and everyoen else agreed with it. I sing and may or may not play guitar or bass at some point, there is Chad, an excellent guitarist who also is an excellent keyboardist (Tinsley Ellis gave him his email address and told him that if he got better, to give him a ring and he might put him in his lineup) that is along with me, the principle songwriter/conceptualiser (atleast on the one song we have so far), there is Davis on drums, although he plays bass and guitar too, but so far he is just so damn popular that he is unavailable, there is Sam who plays bass and is in another band that pretty much gets all his attention, and Rachel who plays rhythm guitar and is just a really really cool person. We've only actually had one official practice, and we are supposed to be working this week, but I haven't talked to anyone yet. We have been trying to get things together litterally since last August, but apparently I am the only one in the ******** universe who doesn't do things constantly. If things don't work out at all, that is totally fine with me though. I don't really expect them to. And then there is my solo project, which I guess I'm currently recording. It makes me depressed though, becuase I suck and also recording is pretty hard, and I haven't even gottent to the production part. I did make this pretty cool demo of a drum machine with double tracked guitar and bass over it that sounds decent. But I really don't have the experiance of playing or know enough about musical theory to make anything worth while at this point. I don't know. I'm just feeling really down about the whole thing. And I really am starting to hate playing covers. There are moments when it just makes me sick. But anyway, the Best Friends And Dad are trying to sort of do a grungier sort of early Radiohead thing, atleast that is my vision for it. Plus a lot of gimicky stuff, like we really want to do impromptu metal songs (we did one on the spot called Bloodsplotion that was simply hillarious). I'm really good at comming up with on the spot retarded lyrics, kinda of Tenatious D sort of stuff. Like I was sitting in the grass after schhol and I just played some random power chords and wrote one about how if you have a certain alleal then your pee smells bad if you eat asperigus and everyone was cracking up... But yeah, I don't know. I'm just feeling kinda shitty about my musical ability right now, and I don't really have anything else to do.

Random stuff. I get shy about weird stuff. Like sometimes I will walk past doors to stores and then turn around and go in. And I don't knock on doors unless I have to. I call the person and get them to open the door or if it's a party I wait until someone I know comes up and just go in with them.

I use to play video games a lot (once I played 75 hours over a 5 day period). Now I almost never do, unless in the rare even that I have someone over and they want to play something.

I rarely hang out with someone for the purpose of spending time with them. And it's not that I don't want to. It's that that's how things seem to work. You go over to someones house to watch a movie, or something like that, not to hang out with them. So I don't get good conversations very often. It's very depressing.

I have a box full of Pokemon stuffed animals in my closet, with also contains other assorted things like beanie babies, bears, dragons, and dolls and such. I use to play with them all the time when I was little and take them everywhere becuase if I didn't then I was afraid they wouldn't feel loved.

I feel very blah now. Very not happy with things. Uh, but anyway. I'm sort of interested on your take on it, so I'll ask: What is it like being a girl? Also, talk about something normal. Something that you wouldn't normally talk about because it's not terribly interesting or something. Becuase when people talk, they try to think of interesting things to say, but I want to hear something mundane. That sounds really stupid, reading it back, but I'm really out of it just a little. Also, anything else you would like to share. Go more indepth with your love of anthropology.

I'm above spelling words correctly. As long as communication exists, the mode of conveyance doesn't make a difference. But I know you didn't mean it personally.

It's not really that I "want to be in Alabama" or feel "comfortable" here. Truely, I would like to be somewhere else, basically anywhere else. It's that I can go to school for free here. That's really it. If I could go to school for free somewhere else, I would. But like I said, I didn't really try very hard at the whole college application thing, and I sort of take pride in the fact that I haven't had to bullshit any admissions councils about what "I can offer their institute" and "What I want to do with my education." But at the same time that I want to get the ******** out of the south, I also realise that geographic location doesn't define who I am, so it doesn't matter that I'm stuck here for the time being. It matters what I do with myself. But I might even only stay here for a year if something better comes a long. Honestly, a lot of the people I know are going to college out of state. Regardless, when I get out of school, I'm most likely not staying in Alabama, or the south at all. I kind of hate the climate. But also with certian things going on in my family right now, it might be for the best that I stay here for the moment. I do want to live in Seattle at some point in my life before it is flooded, but if not, that's okay too. Places don't interest me much. There is something everywhere...

That was exactly what I was looking for in your mundane thing. It made me very happy.

I enjoy history too. It's like stories only they sort of really happened... But honestly, I think the most interesting thing about history is that it is so subjective. I mean, if you take to people and ask them what just happened, you will get two different answers. And then take into account who writes the history, both at the time, and for posterity, and to what end it is writen. It's just very interesting for me. I also enjoy sociology, but in its conceptual form, not the icky science part. I had the coolest sociology class a couple summers ago... Same place I had the amazing philosophy class... But yeah, I'm into all the underlieing parts, not the boring formalities...

Being a boy reminds me of a certain Frank Zappa quote. "I'm not black, but there are a lot of times I wish I could say I'm not white." (By the way, for some wonderful reason, gaia decided to delete the rest of this post so this is all trying to retype something that I probably spent a ******** hour typing... I spend way to much time writing these things, but I guess it's good for me too... So if I sound exceptionally pissed, that's why. Although the first time I was pretty pissed too.) ANYWAY... Being a guy brings with it a serious guilt trip if you aren't a totally self-centered a*****e, as most guys seem to be. I mean, it is our fault that you didn't have any rights until oh so recently, and it is our fault that you still are very much unequal. Also, just being a guy isn't very much fun either. People always come up with bullshit to judge you with like if you argue with someone then "it's that male testosteron" or if you think something doesn't make any sense, then well, "Oh, you wouldn't understand. It's a girl thing." It makes me want to throw up. And then there are some of my friends who I can't see after school because you know, when a guy and a girl hang out, you know, it's just not proper. People see you very differently. Also, it's not very fun being stereotyped as a competition obsessed, sports obsessed, sex obsessed, insenstive, unemotional, irresponcible, and just plan unreasonable. Which sadly, seems to be the case for most males that I have met. Even guys that would seem to be decent people always seem to slip up and say some dumb-a** sexist comment or follow blindly into some stupid gender role. My favorite is the whole guy side of the relationship thing. Guys have to initiate and then once things get going, they have to pay. Someone once defined "a date" as "Did the guy pay." That is total crap. As Riley on the Boondocks said, "If I'm payin', then she's a hoe." I mean, that doesn't directly concern me, but it's the principle of the thing. But in general guys do seem to atleast attempt to fit their stereotype, although perhaps not to the same extreme. The worst thing is that those traits are concidered positive to them. I can't get that at all. It just makes me sick. So yeah, being a guy isn't all fun and dominance. It comes with some bagage for those of us who manage not to be dicks. But in the end, I don't mind being male, it's being associated to that lifestyle that makes me sick. I went into a lot more depth the first time I wrote it, but now I don't want to again. I'm still very pissed about it. It was very good last time. I was proud of it.

Things I enjoy doing. Once again, this is going to lack my usual depth. Honestly, I love to sleep. It is one of my favorite things in the world. It's the only way I can truely escape from how screwed up the world is. But besides that I do enjoy helping people, but I haven't had much opportunity for that recently. People don't come to me with their problems, probably becuase I am a much harsher person then I once was. And I don't like doing like official volunteer work much, just cause it seems so staged... I like helping individuals, becuase you get to know them more... I don't know. I generally dislike unnatural stuff. I like to let things take their course. I love to sing, but it's something that I can't force. If I'm listening to music, and start to sing, it's great, but I can't just be like "time to sing." It doesn't have the same quality to it. I don't know if I'm any good, but I love to do it, and that is what lets me know it is something I truely enjoy. I mean, I guess that is the way I am about all the artistic things I do. I love to do them, but not if I have to force myself to do them. I also love to dance, especailly at concerts, but I'm very picky about what I will dance to. I acutally took ballet lessons when I was younger, which is interesting but totally unrelated. I also love being were music is being made, but only if I'm feeling good. If I feel bad, it just makes it worse. And when a song gives you goosebumps, it is the best feeling in the world. Or atleast one of them.

Hear I talked about how if my band ever gets a show we are going to dress like Droogs from A Clockwork Orange. That was the last real book I read, and I think it was over Christmas. Then that reminded me of the fact that my friend got it for me for my birthday, and how she was one of two people who really remembered my birthday that weren't inside my family. This prompted my anti-Holiday speal which I will go into briefly, but not in my usual depth. Basically, showing someone that they are special by getting them a gift on an accotional where you are socially obligated to is not a fun time for me. Basically if the only reason I do something is because of tradition then I stop doing it. I mean, I get my family stuff, but only becuase it would really hurt them if I didn't. Normally I just get people gifts when I am inspired to. Like I bought one of my friends Lateralus on vinyl because it is her favorite album. And I'll make people CDs and stuff just becuase I am like "I bet they would really like this" or something. However, I did get a couple of friends Feast Of Mishra gifts last year, and I also celebrate Grounation Day (April 21) becuase it is both funny and Bob Marley related, and I also enjoy International Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept 19 I think) for it's secular as well as religious (the holy day for the Church Of The Flying Spagetti Monster) significance. I mean, I understand that people need to make arbitrary things important or else nothing would be, but I just don't think it being one of the earth's passes around the sun more since I was born is anything special. Me being born wasn't special to begin with.

Then I talked about how I use "totally" and "like" too much and also how I use "balla" and "brutal" to mean cool. And other interesting things about the way I talk, but can't remember anymore. Then I said that I enjoy Metalocalypse, although in general I hate non-concert or music related TV (no... not MTV...). Although I do watch more TV then I would like, I am getting better. For example, I didn't watch any today except while I was eating with my family and thought it would be rude to just leave. But it is digusting how often I am tempted to go turn on the TV. It really is the social narcotic. But I'm getting detoxed hopefully. Probably my biggest regret in life is how much time I wasted watching TV.

Then I said that if you ever had any free time, you should read Frank Zappa's quote page on Wikiquote because it is very entertaining. And how you would probably like Metalocalypse (which they have the whole thing on youtube) becuase it is just a good time at the expense of how stupid the world of popular music is.

Then I talked about how I really like hugs, but hate peole who give fake hugs like "Oh I give everyone hugs because I am a little flower child, look at me, being all different and expressing my love for all." I hate that. It's like those people who tell you that they love you when they think they should even though they don't mean it. It cheapens the whole expression. That's why love doesn't mean anything anymore. I just don't want to see that happen to hugs, but it is. And you can really tell the difference when someone means a hug and when they don't.

Then I made fun of you briefly for seeing Underoath, while acknowledging that I had only heard a couple songs and based my opinion of them on how bad the people I know who listen to them's musical taste is.

Then I asked what you truely enjoyed, why you thought you "could never find yourself" and in generally why you always say you are so crazy and stuff when you seem like one of the few farely reasonable people I know, adding the cliche zinger, "It is the rest of the world that is crazy". Then I threw in the curve ball of "If you could eat a baby without any socail stigma would you? Like if it was already dead anyway or something?" admitting that I really really should not ask that question, but doing so anyway. It seems that there was another one, but I forgot. And any personal or interesting things too.

Sorry for writing that all in the past tense, but it is the only way I could get throught writing it twice. That is one of the worst things in the world. Losing some communication and never being able to get it back just right. It's like having a great idea, and by the time the person is done talking you have forgotten, never to remember again. Which is why I am copying it this time... Damn. That really sucks though.

Frank Zappa is a very interesting character. Yes, musically, he is very much amazing, having written some of my favorite instrumental pieces ever. He is one of the best guitarist ever as well. The lyrics did bother me for a while, but then I don't think his goal was to ever write songs that people were like "Oh, this is nice." There is a genious to his lyrics, and some aren't as bad as others, especially his more blatently political songs like "Trouble Every Day". But for him, a large part of music was saying "******** you society. You are screwed up. I will do what I want. I will say vulgar things just to point out how prudish everyone is and how hypocritical they are." And then there are songs like "Disco Boy" which he wrote with the intention of getting them to be pop hits, when in fact they are making fun of the audience that made them a top hit. I mean, the lyrics, as well as the very composition of the music, is an attack on the established norms of what is and is not art, music, acceptable, and to some degree, just a totally free personal expression. For me, it has become part of his genius (I spelled it wrong again until I checked your post), but I completely understand them detracting from his music to many as well, becuase for a long time I was the same way. It's just that his genius goes beyond composition and even music, and through his music, he has expressed things that no one else has. And that is the definition of art to me.

It is improper for a guy and a girl to hang out because someone is going to get ********. Basically. Put a p***s and a v****a in the same place and they are like magnets or something. Or so the theory goes. It's not everyone, it's just some people. But it is a very pervasive idea. I mean, for example, I spent the night at my best friends house when we went to Florida to visit her, and before I went my mom said "Don't do anything that would embarrus you or her" and by the way she talked about it I knew what she ment. I mean it is that kind of s**t. But at the same time, people do seem to loose their virginity left and right, so maybe there is some truth to the over protective parents fears, but unfortunatly, being over protective makes it more likely.

The whole reason I like to sing is the girls. I mean, picking up chicks is what music is all about, right? Actually, the reason a lot of guys I know don't like to sing is becuase they don't have any confidence in their voice. And I mean, neither do I, but I like to sing anyway, and it doesn't sound bad to me. I mean, actually, the thing that got me interested in music was vocals. I mean, Brandon Boyd is the reason that I got into Incubus, I mean, besides the fact that all the cute girls listened to them. Zack De La Rocha, Serj Tankian, Thom Yorke, Layne Stayley (or however it's spelled. I have no idea what his last name actually is...) who I only recently reremembered how totally increadalby awesome he was - Man In The Box is an amazing song... these dudes were the music for me for a long time. It wasn't until I started playing guitar that I really was able to appriciate the instrument. And this is all pretty ironic, considering now I like instrumental stuff a lot more and see vocals as more of an accomplaning instrument than the real focus of the song... That's sort of how Maynard is which is why I like Tool so much. And if it was someone besides Trent Reznor singing for Nine Inch Nails, it just wouldn't work. I love his voice... Anyway... Moving on.

Yes, A Clockwork Orange was a better movie than a book. It is, as the author says, the language that makes the book work. I just love it. That's why I try to make my own slang words, although I would love to base them on Russian... For how lame it is that My Chemical Romance did it, it's okay, because John Bonham did it. I'm not going to let losers ruin my ideas. They are the reason we can't have nice things.

It's only fun to make fun of people's taste in music when they get really hurt by it. As though me not liking it makes it worse for them, meaning the only reason they listen to it is to be cool with their cool friends. I think my sister actually saw Underoath a couple weeks ago. With Taking Back Sunday and some other band that 14 year old trendy girls like. But yeah, I mean, if you like something, you like it. I mean, I occationally give my Avril Lavigne CD a good listen, although I'm not sure I'd really go see her or anything... And also, a lot of bands that I don't particularly like would make really good shows, just cause of the energy and all that. Like when I saw Matchbook Romance and Yellowcard it was fun. I wouldn't buy their CD or go to a show to see just them, but it was fun. I was there for Snoop Dogg (I belive it is two "g"s, seeing as he is twice the "g" as those other cats) of course.

I agree with you about not really having anything to find... I mean, I am what I am, and if I actually "found" something else, I would have been that thing all along... Very eastern philosophy sort of thing. People just try to find themselves to give significance to otherwise meaningless lives. It's not something you should have to try to do. Just like love and happiness.

Given the chance, I would eat a baby. That's why I asked. I want to know what people taste like, but not bad enough to actually eat someone. It's not something I'm really into these days, but for a while, I talked about eating babies all the time. It's funny how people react to that sort of thing, becuase they sort of freak out, but not really. Like they don't want to really think about it seriously. It's so taboo. And as for vegetarianism, I don't know. I mean, if I did it, it would be to be healthy, not becuase life is sacred or anything. I mean, if you are a vegitarian for that, then where do you draw the line. The fruit pickers kill bugs, the wheat threshers kill all manner of furry woodland creatures. Things die so that others may live. It is a balance of creation and destruction and I find it beautiful.

The thing about 4-20 is that it is the wrong day. Grounation Day is the 21st, commemorating when Halie Sesselie (or whatever his name is... the Etheopian massiah of the Rastafarians) came to Jamaca, and it is celebrated with prolific drug use, but somehow people moved it to 4-20... So yeah, um. Tell your friends. Wrong day. 4-20 is, as my once ganja smoking friend put it, "The Christmas Eve of the real event."

So I have just begun listening to the longest song I've ever heard of. Buckethead's letter "E". At 45:01 it beats out Thick As A Brick by a little over a minute. So far it is weird... Even for Buckethead.

Something on my mind. Well, I've been reflected on how screwed up I am, what a hypocrite I am, and how I'm so filthy and disgusting to myself in a spiritual context. Just sort of a momentary thing. But I've been giving a lot of thought on what I am right now, and how I need to understand why I do certain things, although unfortunately I really just want to change my behavior. For some reason I was inspired to read my xanga page (I'm reletively embarassed to admit having one, but there are midigating cicumstances, I swear! ... I also have a facebook, but again, it's totally midigating circumstances... I DO NOT have a myspace though. I will never go there, while there is still breath in these lungs) which I hadn't even looked at for about 2 years... It was like reading things that someone else had written. Someone who I would probaly make fun of. Or atleast make snide cynical remarks at. But it made me remember some things that I had forgotten. I don't know, it just made me question who I am right now, and whether I am doing the right thing with my whole outlook on life. And honestly, I still don't know if I'm right or wrong even in my own opinion, but I'm doing something different, and I think that is good enough atleast. If I only make people question their own behavior, I guess that is pretty humanitarian of me, atleast at this point. Doing my part to make the world a "better" place.

Also materialism. I'm so ******** materialistic. It makes me sick. I mean, I'm trying to do better, but see stuff and I'm like "I want that." I want all these CDs, I want all these movies, but why? To own them? To perfectly define myself through possessions? It makes me feel very "the begining of Fight Club". I have to make the concious effort to be like "it's just stuff". Everything you can supposedly own can be taken from you. Which is why ownership is an illusion. I think I've said all this before. But you know, just some stuff that's been running through my head.

This Buckethead song has had the exact same drum loop for the last 20 mintues. Snare snare, tamborine... But aside from that, the guitaring is quiet interesting. Although I probably should have gone with a different letter...

My day. Got up. The cleaning people were here so I tried to record a version of Born Of A Broken Man. It sounds crappy, but it's the right chorus verse bridge progression atleast and is the right length just about, about 5 seconds off. After they left, I contemplated taking a shower for a long time, not becuase I was dirty, but because I felt unclean. I read a bunch of articles of wikipedia in the meantime. A bunch. I learned a little about Industrial Music, which was apparently started by a band called Throbbing Gristle, which is a British p***s joke. I kinda want to get one of their CDs now. I read a lot about Pokemon. I really liked the game when I was younger, and as afformentioned, I have a lot of the stuffed animals, and I was curious about what had happened to the whole franchise. THis somehow led to this huge Christian pamphlet about how Pokemon was litterally the devil, which while absolutely depressing for the sake of humanity, was also increadably hillarious for the very same reason. Then I think I ate, watched the Daily Show and part of Keeping The Faith (which I don't partiularly like, except that Edward Norton is in it). I got in my Buckethead CD, and admired his handdrawn picture that he drew just for me, and also how he wrote the wrong number on the disc and wrote on top of it. And I got my Sephiroth action figure in that I ordered, and that's just really cool and fun for me, and once again going back to how depressing it is to define your life by extremely trivial possessions. But he also has a huge sword. Actually that is really depressing. Wow... That's just aweful. I suck at life. Anyway, then me and my sister walked around our whole neighborhood and I brought my guitar, but I forget that it was in drop-D so all I really could play was power chords and then my fingers got too cold to play. But I did get to see the stars for a little bit, which isn't something I do very often. Watched some random movie based of some lawyer book with my dad. I believe it was "The Client". Then I went and saw the 10:20 showing of "300" which wasn't as enjoyable the second time around, although, admittedly interesting and very cool. I came home and wrote this. That was my whole day. When you say you waste time, I don't think this is what you mean, but you could be wrong. This is a typical day for me. Doing nothing. I interacted with no one outside of my family. I take that back. I called my friend Jess while I was walking. But still. I guess that was infinately more interesting than yesterday though. Yesterday I think I looked on the internet, cleaned up around the house, and listened to music. Litterally, nothing else. I barely talked to my dad, and I think I saw my mom for about 5 minutes. Otherwise, no human contact. So yeah. Awesome. I'm just living the dream.

I really don't know how to answer this last one. I mean, I could try to say what things specifically shaped certian things I believe or certain things I do, but I don't know if I could really say what has shaped me overall. I mean, like I've said before, the thing I did at Appilachian State Univeristy for 4 years had more influence on who I am than anything. I mean, I met people that are still very important to me, and even some people that were important for a long time, even if I don't talk to them at all anymore. Like this girl, Meghann, who I was basically in love with for a long time, and we became good friends, but then started to stop talking. And I guess it really upset me for a couple of years, and now it doesn't really bother me at all. She's probably one of the reasons that I have very little faith in "relationships" and all that, and it probably contributed to my already pretty big intimacy issues. Which I guess eventually led me to totally internalize all that and become such a caustic person to push others away, that sort of psychological made up stuff. Honestly I think I exaggerate how mean I am, becuase the people that do hang out with me don't seem to think so. It's only the little girls who I tell have terrible taste in music and meaningless lives that seem to think I'm mean. I mean, people tell me I'm honest, but they tell me that they don't think I'm an a*****e... Anyway, that was sort of a tangent. I guess having a mom who is an art teacher had more to do with my interest in art then I would admit. I guess having friends who think I am just totally amazing gave me the degree of self confidence that I have. My lack of experiance probably has more to do with who I am than what I actually have done. Not doing anything ever gave me a lot of time to think, and thinking is how things change... I don't know. I don't feel like going any furth with this right now. It's 3 in the morning.

What is your family like? Do you have brothers and sisters? What do your parents do? Who are your ten favorite vocalists, and once again, don't think about this too hard, just who ever you feel like at the time... And tell me what's on your mind, what you did today, and give me your take on the experiance question, although I believe we've done a simular one before. It doesn't really matter, because I gave a different answer, so it might as well be new.

The Buckethead song was very... Weird. It was basically like he went into a studio, put on a drum beat, and then recorded whatever came into his head. Which is probably what he did, based on the nature of the project. Which is truely a work of art in my mind. As advertised, it really is "The closest and artist has been to his audience." Very cool concept... That's why I like Buckethead, he does the sort of things I would if I was good. Like playing with Les Claypool.

Oh, and by the way, I have some pictures of me now. I'll put one of them up here maybe tommorow.

Yeah, I'm not really interested in canibalism, but I mean, if it came down to it, I wouldn't think twice about eating someone like if I was starving or something and they were dead... Maybe I would. But that's only becuase I prefer my food prepared, not raw. But it's just taboo. I'm not going to kill someone or anything. Honestly I don't like eating in the first place. I don't really derive any pleasure from it. I eat to live. But if I have any candy, I sort of eat it all in one sitting, just to be done with it. I kinda don't like it when people get me food, and whenever people ask if I want anything, I reflexively refuse, unless we are eating at a resturante or something, in which case, I always take free food. I have eaten many a meal for free because little girls ordered too much.

My dad is a computer engineer of sorts. He is a basically a genius, but has sort of made a lot of bad choices, drinking, and I think he dropped out of college once. He's an alcoholic, but after his recent heart attack, he's not supposed to drink anymore. He is into a lot of classic rock (Led Zeppelin is his favorite and he has the complete album collection of the Beatles) and is a very good guitarist. He wants to be in a band before he dies. My mom is an art teacher, who currently teaches photography at one of the wealthiest schools in Alabama. She was actually a professional photographer for a little bit, but to her, the whole point of life is helping others, so she is constantly sacrificing herself to help and stuff. It worries me sometimes. But she is really ecectic in music tastes, and got me into a lot of bands that I listen to now. She really likes the Decemberists right now, Saint Etienne, listens to a lot of anime soundtracks, Imogen Heap, and a lot of other stuff too. She's the one that suggested that I get Rage and Nine Inch Nails, and the first time I heard Tool and System Of A Down was from her CDs. She basically goes to CD stores and buys whatever looks interesting. I have a brother who is in a senior in college. He is really smart, but ever since he got into college has become rather... typical. Cars, sports, girls, and now music, especially metal like Megadeath and Avenged Sevenfold, basically anything with a complicated guitar part. I don't know though. He's going through some rough times right now. I also have a sister who goes to a public art school to study dance, although she doesn't want to be a professional dancer. She is very math/science oriented I think. I don't really know at this point. She's really smart too, but she seems to have had the most normal life of anyone in my family, in respects to social life. She has a lot of friends, goes to concerts, sees movies (which I do, but not at all at her age... I mean, I didn't care about getting a car when I was 16 becuase there wasn't anywhere that I wanted to go to begin with), had a boyfriend at one point, loves all those social occations and all that, spends all day on the myspace and instant messenger while she's at home. And musically she went through a "girl rock" period, and then a "Green Day" period, and then a "Fall Out Boy" period, and now she's on like Regina Specktor and Death Cab For Cute which seems like the cool thing for those trendy alternative kids. I don't know. I mean she's alright. I feel really bad for saying that, becuase I think she really likes me a lot. I feel like I'm a jerk to her all the time though. I guess I get along with my siblings relatively well, but I have the feeling that I'm going to give my sister some sort of a complex, if I haven't already. Extended familywise, all of my grandparents are dead. My maternal aunt and uncle are really cool, my uncle is a musical genius and was a professional musician for a while. I don't see my dad's relatives that much, but they seem more normal. That's all there really is to tell.

Modern day main-stream. Everything is entertainment. Our movies don't make you think. Our music doesn't do anything new. Our idea of literature is called "Gossip Girls" for crying out loud. People scedual their plans around Grey's Anatomy and Heros (which makes me feel better about my own TV watching). Will Ferill movies make money. I think that is the harshest critisism I can give. As I was just telling my dad, we don't have the kind of pop music that they had in the 60s and 70s. What is today's Simon And Garfunkle? Where is our Cat Stevens? We don't have this sort of unoffensive, easy listening stuff that is actually main stream. That stuff is like retro indie or alternative something or another now, and it doesn't have the sort of success that it had back then. Our idea of pop is naked girls singing songs they didn't write to music that was made on a synthesizer (not necisarilly a bad thing) and... Justin Timberlake. And then of course, our idea of rap is sex, cars, and money, drugs and murder. Which is not what it is about. I'm sorry, it's not cool with me to rap about being rich. Rap about stuff that matters, like J5 singing about what is important to them, or Public Enemy, sining about what is so ******** wrong with the world. Where is this generation's Public Enemy? Our politically concious rap is underground. Public Enemy was THE ACT along with Run DMC, I mean, rap didn't get bigger than them at the time. Honestly, mainstream wise, the only bands worth listening to are the ones that were making music back in the 90s. I mean, there are some good bands that have come out in the past 7 years, but they aren't mainstream (atleast the ones I can think of aren't). Actually I hear Wolfmother is good. I want to check them out. I'm not sure if they would be considered mainstream though. And I like Gnarles Barkley, but that is two guys that have been making music for some time now, most notably DJ Dangermouse, who has been around for a while I think. The Black Keys are great too, but I don't think they're main stream at all. I mean, my favorite albums last year were by Tool (although it is no Aenima or Lateralus, it got me into Tool so I love it), Incubus, Pearl Jam, Public Enemy, Audioslave, and Thom Yorke, along with some really underground guys like I'm Not A Gun and Dictaphone, and still fairly underground stuff like Soul Position and DJ Shadow (although that was sold at Target of all places, which until then, was my definition of mainstream... I think it was only because E-40 is on there, and I think it was with a major label this time... Actually, that is probably the reason. I don't know anyone who bought it though. I was just like "Holy s**t! DJ Shadow at Target!). But what I'm trying to say is that though the stuff I like is in large part mainstream, it's stuff that has been around in some incarnation for quiet some time now. I mean, in general, I would concider my tastes to be fairly mainstream, but for 90s stuff. Nine Inch Nails, Tool, Rage, Incubus, Nirvana, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Radiohead, Pearl Jam, System Of A Down (granted late 90s. And I think I like them less becuase of all the ******** idiots who like them, although I will always love Serj's vocals). That and earlier stuff like Hendrix, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd (granted I know you don't like them), Bob Marley, The Who, Jethro Tull... If it is not mainstream with me, it's usually stuff that people haven't heard of. God, I can't believe I forgot the Doors, although I don't listen to them much for lack of material, all I have on my computer is a best of and Waiting For The Sun. I have Ziggy Stardust on their too, and although Bowie isn't my usual cup of tea, I like it a lot. He is more of a cultural icon for me though... But like I was saying, I mean, in certain situations, people will know exactly who the Seatbelts are, or who Nobou Uematsu is. But the average teen has probably never heard of Captain Beefheart or Procol Harum (atleast around here)... ********, they don't even know the legendary MC5, or even Elvis Costello or Frank Zappa. It's ******** sad. But I mean, when it comes to what the average kid listens to, it's Fall Out Boy or Taking Back Sunday or some other 3 words that don't make sense together and are a reference to something and they all sound the ******** same. They are writing the same music, with the same whiney a** annoying as ******** vocalist, and the same indie elitists who call it terrible and then go and listen to something that sounds the exact same but hasn't been signed and doesn't sell out tours to 11 year old girls. Honestly, the one thing Fall Out Boy has done that makes me happy is getting 12 year olds to sing about oral sex without knowing it. But the s**t all sounds the same. They aren't going anywhere new. The people that are aren't getting radio play. And when it comes to rap... god... I can't tell the difference at all. The beats are all the same, the voices are all the same, the subject matter is all the same. But they guys who made good stuff in the 90s seem to still be making good stuff today, not quiet as groundbreaking, but still good. But where are our artists that are actually musicians. People that aren't doing it to be famous or get girls. People that just write good s**t. You don't hear bands talking about that anymore. They are too concerned with pushing their agenda, probably just to get more sales. It's about entertaining, not art, and apparently, it is very difficult to do both these days. And the critics are eating this bullshit, calling "The Black Parade" a masterpiece and on the level of Queen (who I don't even like, and it is totally not even close to their ******** level). And for the audiences, it is more about "who" you like, then the actual music. Even among the indie kids that are supposedly breaking away from the buisness of the mainstream. It's all bullshit. I mean, if you like the music, great. If you like it becuase it's cool to like it, you have bigger problems than me insulting you. When the music culture is bigger than the music, it is time to reevaluate and kill yourself. But then there is the music that makes it worth it, despite people being dumb little ********. In conclusion, the mainstream sucks, and so does the non-conformists new mainstream. If the band makes good music, good. If it says something new and takes you places, that's art. Which is even better. But if it's just copying what someone else did to get famous, then that just as ******** up as the rest of the world, which totally messes with the whole escapism part of entertainment... I could go on forever. I only focused on music, because people have shitty taste in movies. I mean, even the people I know who like good movies always throw in some shity comedy like Zoolander or something rediculous like that... And I don't know what people read enough to have much of an opinion on mainstream literature. I don't like read part of their book or something. But if you want me to go into other aspects of mainstream culutre, just ask, I could rant about it for days. I actually want to write a book about how fake modern society is.

Sephiroth is the main villian in the game Final Fantasy VII, which has my favorite story ever. Basically, he was created to be the perfect warrior, but they used genes from an evil alien force to do it, so eventually, he goes crazy and summons a meteor to destroy the planet in the hopes of becoming a God. I mean, I love the story because it really successfully blends sci-fi with fantasy and has really deep characters, interesting philosophical points, and is just very... cool. I'm sure you can find a picture if you google image search him or wikipedia him or something.

What do you think of modern mainstream? I can't think of anything else to ask right now... What are you reading right now, or what is the last book you read? What does your room look like (I hope I didn't already ask that...)? What artist do you own the most CDs of (Although I don't like that question at all becuase I think it's just a subtle opportunity for me to brag about all the s**t I have... I'm terrible, but I guess realising I have a problem is the first step)? Top 10 bass players, same deal, and you might want to include bands they are in if they get at all obscure, cause I don't want to have to look them up... I do enough of that as it is... And whatever else. These weren't good questions. Oh, hear we go, also, answer a good question. I'll try again tommorow to put a picture up. It just didn't happen today.

That's me. Basically. Or atleast the exact opposite of me (being in a mirror and all) I think I took this at like eh, 12 or 1 at night.

Yes, I stay up late. I do this before I go to bed, so if it takes a long time, then I stay up late, or if I start late, than I stay up really late. The past week, I"ve been going to bed between 2 and 5... And about Audioslave, if the fact that other people didn't like them upset me, then I would be quiet the hypocrite, wouldn't I. Usually people not liking band I like doesn't bother me, what bothers me is if they like shitty bands. Like some little ******** telling me that Rage Against The Machine sucked but that Rise Against was good. That irritates me. I mean, I love the musicians from Rage, they can do no wrong (except Brad... I mean, hes' alright...) and Chris Cornell is not bad. Soundgarden is alright. He has a different voice. I'm not upset that they broke up at all, I'd like to see them with a new vocalist... Like Chuck D... If they became the Public Enemy backing band, that would be very cool. Or if they got with Serj on his solo career, that would be cool too. Basically anything they do except not doing something else is cool with me. But it will likely be a year or so, what with Tom's new album.

I've never really understood Queen myself, and a lot of their stuff is just retarded, but then occasionally I hear a song and it's really cool. I don't like Jim Carrey either. The only time I can stand him is in his more dramatic work, and then still, he looks like Jim Carrey. As for why people like crappy mainstream stuff, I'm sure some actually do like it, how many, I'm not sure. I think what it has to do with the most is that the people who like it don't have a passion for music. They might have friends that do, so they want to look like they are totally into stuff. Notice how they never go to shows by themselves... And I agree that not all mainstream is bad. I would concider my taste to be fairly mainstream. Just not anyone who has just come out.

I don't get REALLY angry, but what gets me the most angry... a lot of things. One that I am currently mad about because I just read a couple of articles about it: lawsuits. People sueing for $250,000 because someone said something mean about them in the paper. People sueing for millions of dollars becuase they were stuck on a plane for 8 hours. Corporations sueing ******** everyone for speaking out against them in any way shape or form. It's like people think "Oh, they slightly incovienced me. Let me get rich off of it and send them to the poorhouse." It's unspeakable bullshit. Which leads to my next angry thing. People who want to be rich, support the rich, or think that it's okay that some people are unspeakably poor while others are rediculously wealthy. People who think if you don't make money, you should just be left to die. Honestly, if someone wants to not work, and I pay taxes and let them "get a free ride" I don't care. If 100 people got a free ride to help one person who really needs it, that would be fine with me. What the ******** is money for if not to help people? People who want to be better than other people. Like their life is only define by how many people they are better than (or more likely, worse than). Patriotic people. It is the same as racism. This country is a ******** illusion created by the government. It's not a conspericy theory, it's the definition of nation. People that think women, non-whites, non-christians, gays, etc are inferior, wrong, evil. That s**t is rediculous. It's just trying to justify your existance by telling those that don't live like you that they are wrong. It's trying to be better than others, make yourself part of an exclusive group. Which is why I don't like Christianity. "We get to go to heaven. Everyone else goes to hell." That is way to human to be made by a superior being, unless we really were "made in his image"... petty as ********. (On a completely side note, I'm listening to Saul Williams, and the particular song "Om Nia Merican" samples the bridge from Born Of A Broken Man as it's main rift. It's very cool. When I first heard it, I thought that there was a paricular yell that sounded very "Zack" and then I recognized the lick that's played, and I checked on the Coachella DVD which Saul plays it on, and it sites the members of Rage as co-writters... Anyway, very cool song. "My mother taught me well so I rebel." Saul is amazing.) What else do I get mad about? The fact that people who are going out with someone act so different really pisses me off. You can't act the same way towards them, and it just all makes everyone else more distant. Another reason to hate relationships. The commercialization of everything beautiful and meaningful. Like Nirvana, and how they make all this ******** merchendise to try and capitalize on someone who was so very not corporate. We saw this Kurt Cobain action figure, and my brother was like "My friend really wanted to get one of those untill I told him "Do you really want to own Kurt Cobain's rotting flesh." It all wreaks of decay. Condoes are built, making a good view something only afforded to the rich, who don't enjoy it so much as the status. Everything owned is either a tool for creation or an object for status. And you don't have to own a tool to create. Um... tradition, and peoples unwavering allegance to it. How civilians killed in other countries due to the "War On Terror" don't matter but every American soldiers life is presious. The particular example I'm thinking of is when a cruise missle hit a small village and killed like 40 people, but this was good news because 3 top Al-Queda officials were also killed. How they could tell who the ******** they killed with a missle eludes me, but I'm sure they just killed 40 innocent people. Even if half of those 40 were top Al-Queda officails, that is still just as ******** up. Why is it okay for the US to kill innocents, but when fundamentalists do it to fight a war on what they see as terror, it is somehow wrong. Basically everything to do with the government makes me angry. The fact that the CIA installed repressive pro-US dictators in basically every country during the Cold War makes me angry, especially when they clain to fight for freedom now. It all comes back to American interests, and if all you do is stuff for your own interests, you are terrible. The US gives aid to stop terrorists from taking advantage of third world countries and to get their governments to adopt policies it supports. Buisnesses piss me off in general. If you do what you do for money, you are a whore. Basically. If you do something for the external reward that you get, you are a whore. The only things worth doing are things that you would do for free anyway. So almost everyone is a whore. Even I am sometimes, although I do make an effort not to be. But I go to school, so that I can get a diploma. That's being a whore right there. It's difficult to escape, but not impossible. I choose not to because I enjoy my illusion of security, even though I hate my need for that illusion. I'm too afraid to leave it. (by the way, going back to that part about the commercialization of art and beauty... I just reread that part about your giant poster... Sorry. But at the same time, it's sort of true, even with me. I love the images surrounding music. I love my band shirts. I love my Jimi Hendrix shirts that I got a target, I love my Radiohead poster, and all my rare singles and s**t. But it doesn't make those things good. If anything, they get in the way of the music. But for now I accept that. If I met someone who was a hard core music lover and they didn't wear shirts or have posters they just loved the music... I would give them a hug. But at the same time, I guess it is better to wear shirts of something you support as opposed to the Gap or Old Navy, or worse, shirts you got for free from buisness, or worse yet, shirts you bought from buisnesses. I mean, unless you just love the buisness and want to support it. But that's not what it's about most of the time. It's about letting all your friends know that you shop at "Woods & Waters" (we have so many ******** hick stores here...). I'm not feeling the rage, so for now, I'll move on. Seems like a nice segway into my room anyway.

My room. The walls are painted "Crushed Plum" it's sort of a purply-pink number, I picked it myself. Next to my door are a bunch of band posters, a lot of which I got out of a magazine of classic rock band posters, some are a little more unique than that. Like I have a mini poster from the "Talk Show On Mute" single, and the record store poster advertising System Of A Down's Hypnotise comming out. But then I have the really cliche ones from the magazine like Morisson Hotel, and Zeppelin comming off of the plane. The arrangement is nice though. I use to have a poster of Teinamine (spelling...) Square and the Black Power salute at the olympics, but I took them down when I got a huge one of Radiohead. Then on the other walls there is some of my character schetches blown up to poster size, and a movie poster for Samuria X, my "favorite movie" (that I haven't seen in like a year) Then I have this wall scroll my mom got me that says something about not rushing through life, becuase I am self-conscious about how much time I waste. And I have this surealist polaroid of a guy wearing armor made out of horseshoe crabs I got at a regional art festival. Then I have various knicknacks, like a huge red dragon, a buddha statue, a japanese bell, 3 very huge stacks of CDs, (one of them is just Rage), and a bunch of other stuff, throwbacks from when we redecorated my room with an asian theme. A lot of the stuff is from that. My bed sheets are Japanese characters and dragons. And I have a yellow flowery baby blanket with little children and nursery rhymes on it. It's about as old as I am, if not older, and is the most comfortable thing ever. I really want to make my room a lot more minamalist, with some abstract art and surealism going on, maybe make some collages, but maybe I'll do that when we move...

Favorite vocalists... 1. Zack De La Rocha... no one can do it like him. 2. Saul Williams, probably becuase I'm listening to him right now, he is unreal and is voice is beautiful, deeply emotional, rich, everything. Him talking without accompanyment is music. 3. Serj Tankian, becuase he has the guts to play around with his voice while still remaining deeply moving when he wants to be, unique and versitale 4. Thom Yorke just moves me. Every time. No matter what he is saying. He and 5. Brandon Boyd are probably my biggest influences based on vocal quality. I don't want to sound like them, but their style is a large part of want I want to do. The way they use their voices so versitially to make melody lines and hold notes and stuff. That's what I want to do as a vocalist. 6. Jimi Hendrix. How the ******** does he sing that well while playing what he is playing. He could have been just a vocalist easily. 7. Trent Reznor who may not be the best singer in the world, but his voice is such a part of his music, and I just love some of his vocal parts so much. 8. Maynard, because not only does he have such an incredably voice, but he uses it in such a different way than anyone else. It's not ego, like a lot of vocalists, his voice is just another supporting instrument in the orchestra that is Tool. 9. There is this guy from a local band called Chinese Dentist which is actually one of my favorite bands. The fact that they aren't signed to a major label proves to me that probably the best music is being made by cats that we will never ever hear. But their vocalist is just so powerful and emotional at times and other times just so fun that you can't help but dance. I don't know his name though... They also have the coolest bongo player ever. 10. Bob Marley... His voice is so happy, even when he is singing about the Apocalypse. He's just adorable, even if he wasn't always the best person in the world. Apparently everyone is probably bad. And then there is all those "grunge vocalists" Kurt, Layne Stayle, Eddie Vedder, who I just love, a lot of female vocalists like Sia and Imogen Heap who are just great, and rappers like Blueprint, the J5 crew, especially 2na. And all those wonderfully plesant folk guys both then and now. Ben Kenney has a lovely voice. That's just who I am feeling right now. It really does change. I don't really like calling anything my "favorite" anymore. It's just whatever I'm really feelin' at the time.

So what gets you really angry? What is the most significant thing that you've ever created? What is the most interesting thing that happened to you today. And talk about something happy. What makes you really happy about the world?

I've seen "Invisible Children." Like I said, I'm not going to vote in the next election, although I know you are very supportive of the democratic process. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just too much of a cynic to believe that I can make a difference at all, whether or not that difference is positive, and plus I'm too much of an anarchist at heart... I don't know, I just don't feel comfortable giving someone permission to "represent me" and by voting, that's what I feel I would be doing, especially concidering in my mind it is a purely symbolic act anyway. I mean, I'm 18 right now, but I don't plan on regestering, I feel so alienated from the whole process of government. The offical term is a "lack of political efficacy".

I love my guitar. Even though I suck, I still have the chick magnet effect of being a good guitarist, just because of how hot it is. As blasphemous as it is to say, it is the best fashion accessory ever. That was actually my first guitar. And I like my hair too, more than I like the other 2/3s of my face. I mean, I like my face okay, which is to say I wouldn't rather have any other face, but at the same time, I think one of the reasons I grew my hair out was to cover it up.

As for Brad... I don't know. I've never heard a Rage drum beat that impressed me. But maybe he is the glue that holds the rest of the craziness in. He's also a terrible actor (see Sleeping Dogs Lie if you get the chance. Brad stars, and Maynard is a deputy), according to my friend, but he was so adorable that I didn't notice that the only "emotion" he showed was talking LOUDER.

What I want to say. I hope I think of something beyond the first topic, which is Tool's 10000 Days. What does it mean? I've actually been thinking about this a lot today. I mean, Tool is a very mystical (with a y) and mysterious band, and they have a lot of messages, hidden meanings, and deep metaphors. Which apparently 10000 Days didn't. Apparently it wasn't very good compared to Aenima and Lateralus. I really don't know for sure. I've only heard Vicarious a bunch and listened to Wings For Mary and 10000 Days repeatedly. I guess I've heard the whole album a number of times, but I never really listened to it after I heard Lateralus and Aenima. But according to my Tool guru friend, it's not very good at all. Generally not up to their standards both in terms of depth and music. And so then I theorized that this time, Tool was basically giving their obsessed fans the finger. Apparently, at some point, Maynard went out to ranch and shot a bunch of pieces of cardboard full of bullets or something and then sold them on eBay for ludicris amounts of money. After they were all sold, he was like "******** you. You are a bunch of ******** cocks for buying my garabage." Which is kind of true. If you are so obsessed with a group that you will buy stuff they shot at for heaps of money, then you are missing the point. And a lot of Tool fans sort of do the same thing to their music. They overanalyse it and overanalyse it. So I was wondering if that is what they did with 10000 Days. If they made it look suspicious but really didn't have any secrets in it at all. I mean, there is the apparent obviousness of the lyrics. The whole 3D glasses thing. The fact that the songs usually have a pair with the same length (making it look like they can sink, and according to some fans, they do). The whole mystery behind the name "10000 Days" (some belive that 10000 days after the release of the album will be the 2000th aniversary of Jesus' death, also, Maynard's mother was paralized and the songs Wings For Mary and 10000 Days are about her, becuase she was paralized for 10000 days or 27 years. Or something). Maybe they just released a purposefully not as good album, just to see fans lap it up like they lap up everything related to groups they are obsessed with, and then make it seem like something is there, even when it isn't. I don't know. I'm just bothered by the fact that such a good and artistic band would release something that is, according to my friend, of such poor quality. I mean, Tool isn't a band that releases something becuase they feel like it. Lateralus took 7 years to come out. Usually I understand why musicians do what they do, although I might not like it, but this I don't really understand. I mean, this is all speculation on my part, becuase I never really had a problem with the album until my friend said she didn't like it, and I really respect her taste in music a lot. I need to listen to it more closely, and maybe you really do need to sync it up to make it really make sense. I don't know. It's just another thing to make me believe that there really is no one to believe in at all. Everyone is just as ******** up as everyone else. Even really good artists. It's depressing. It's the same way I felt after seeing Incubus live. I had them on this pedestal, and it turns out, everyone really is the same. Famous people that seem interesting are just the same as normal people who seem interesting. I guess that is sort of obvious though. It would just be nice to have something to look up to, but perhaps the beauty of the world is that there isn't anything to look up to. It's hard to not have anyone to say "They are awesome and amazing and can do no wrong." We need heros, and I don't think I really have any anymore.

I feel really lonely. That same way I did last time I realised all the people that I see everyday are just fake as ******** and only care about themselves. I hope I'm not that way. I hope I'm not as selfish as everyone else seems. I mean, like I told you, the past 4 or 5 days I didn't talk to anyone outside of my family. No one called me at all. Which really made me feel like no one really gave a ******** about me. I really feel whiney when I talk about this, but I know if I internalize it, it will really ******** me up like it has in the past. Like I said, I have serious intimacy issues and I am really paranoid that other people really don't care about me. I just want to be around people that it seems like actually give a ******** about me, and aren't just there because something better hasn't come along. Sometimes I don't call people that I want to talk to specifically beause I want them to call me so I know that they actually want to talk to me. Which is something I really need to stop doing. Because theoretically I'm doing the same thing to them, although I don't think everyone else has a severe fear of telephones like I do, because they sure seem to get calls constantly when I'm around... In the end, I am prepared to be alone, but I can't do that if people act like they care when they really don't. And there is that tiny number of people who really do care. I ******** hate people. And I'm done whining, sorry for wasting your time, but that is something I wanted to say.

It's 11:30 so I'm going to stop now becasue I actually have school this week. Last week was spring break, which I hope you could surmise by my rediculous sleep schedual. I don't do well going to bed at 2 and getting up at 7, let alone going to bed at 5 and getting up at 7. I would die.

So. I'm interested to see what you will talk about given the chance. And any reaction to what I said, feel free to share. I sort of like this freedom to talk about what you want. Plus comming up with questions is the hardest part for me...

********. I'm going to be up all night. This is going to have to be short.

It's really cool that you actually do stuff for others in such a significant way. I don't know. I've always felt that I can't do anything really good for others until I fix myself... But I think the fact that you put so much work into serving others makes you a good person, regardless of your shortcommings. Look at Malcomn X. Had a lot of hate. Did illegal things (which isn't really a big deal to me. I mean, if what you are doing isn't wrong to you, then ******** the law... I'm just too scared of authority to do anything like that so I p***y out and fly right). But he did good things. Life is ******** hard, and everyone does things they regret, but it's about being true to yourself and trying to do your greatest sense of right. Which is why at the end of the day, I think I'm a good person. Because peopel need someone to try and wake them up, if only for a moment. That's one of the reasons why I want to be an artist (musician especially). When you see or hear something beautiful it takes you somewhere. There are some days, a lot of days, when I wouldn't make it without music. And if I can do that for one person, it will be worth it. If they are just having a s**t day, and they hear my song and it just gives them goosebumps or whatever, just once, that would be it. Becuase maybe it is all the media's lies or whatever, but whenever I see stuff about how shitty things are in the world, the people aren't sad. I mean, they are desperate to make it through things, but they find little things to rejoce about. I want to be one of those things. I just don't know how yet. But I just really admire what you do for the world. I just can't see the world being a better place, I think it is always going to be shitty, and like I've said maybe that's a good thing... I don't know, I feel really crappy about saying that, just becuase I don't do anything about it. But I'm glad there are people like you who do.

I felt really crappy today about the fact that I'm staying in this shithole. But I had to remind myself that it's just going to be a totally zen expience, and it will give me time to center myself, get some good karma and all that before I head off into the "real world" (because everything so far has just totally been a test or something). I don't know, I guess it was hearing about all the wonderful little colleges everyone visited over spring break and how just totally amazing they were and how everything was just perfect and wonderful. But I guess I will be where I should be, and the whole experiance thing is so very overrated. It doesn't matter where I am, it's who I am. And plus when I die, it won't matter anyway. That's thinking positive. Everyone just has to act like college is such a big deal, and for me, it isn't going to be, which I guess is a self fufilling prophesy on my part. I need to think on this for a bit.

Greatest artistic achievement. I don't really have one. I mean, I've done a little bit of everything, and I'm pretty good at it all, but I've never done anything that I would concider significant. Any ambitious project I start I always wimp out on or loose interest. I guess discovering the beauty of abstraction, both musically and artistically. A lot of the art I do now, especially when it comes to drawing, is just shapes, objects and distortions, whatever comes to me. The very transitive nature of it sort of captures a feeling that I will never be able to identify outside of the art itself. The same goes for my free verse writing, and when I just play whatever I want on the guitar, although, as I feared, the more I learn about the theory of guitar, the more I am restrained. However, I did record this very random thing that I really like a little bit. If I ever transfer it to some sort of wav file, I'll send it to you. But honestly, at the moment, I don't feel like I've ever really done anything significant, as that word is currently defined in my head... I feel very small and mediocre. I guess that any significance in what I have done is fleeting, personal to a person that I no longer am. I guess the action has value, but the product doesn't to me. I don't know. I have a tendency to be very critical of myself, and self depriciating. I guess I'm getting better though. I'm starting to love my retarded children (part of the current manifestation of my concept piece that will inevitably be scraped like everything else... About the beauty of creation in a world where the final product is judged so harshly. Getting beyond societies judgement of what is and is not good. The usual.).

So I guess you can just continue with what you were saying. I don't have any questions right now. Only tiredness and the rhythmic stylings of Buckethead... Colma is a beautiful album.