Welcome to Gaia! ::

Makes note: iffa anyone DarkScarlettVixen looks over still wants me especially to go over their, I can do that, it's just the time factor that causes the problems/long wait. When I get to those profiles I'm going to skim over what the original said/she said anyway ^^.

And I think I may try to finish that one I was partway through later today--at the moment I need to eat and finish packing, not to mention somehow get ahold of my mother currently a very long plane ride away. And then get some money and buy various peoples some chocolate and coffee before I leave here ^^. In about four days I'll be back home--though I'll have an exchange student with me--but we'll see if I can get more done then anyway ^^.

This Summer Vacation gives me +5 to my Free Time, and you know what that means... It’s time for me to contribute to society! Do my civic duty! Red-pen the crap out of everything within reach!

Oh, and just to let everyone know, I’m a rather severe critic, but don’t take anything I say personally and don’t worry if I seem overtly critical: unless I totally blow you out of the water, I’ve critiqued your writing because I think it shows promise. I’ll work primarily on profiles, but I might end up going over a few RP samples and premises too.

Alright then, I’m gonna start off with shizuka_kage’s profile, since Merlinic might already be working on Scarlett’s.

Name: Chione Shekatli

Age: 19

Alignment: Suffra

Special Abilities: Chione is a very powerful Empath. She can not only sense the emotions of others, she can – sometimes – nudge these emotions and control their outcome. At the most extreme, she can send someone who is sad into a suicidal depression. She cannot completely alter and/or create new emotions. She can only adjust the depth of the ones already there. She mostly uses her abilities to aid the mental health of others.

Nah, you’re fine here. Personally, I’d be more concerned with the possibility of her being muscled around by some of the more physically oriented Novas than her being too powerful.

Codename: ((suggestions? O_O))

Appearance: Chione is of Egyptian origin. She has darkly tanned skin. Her hair is black, straight, and falls to her lower back. Her eyes are also black. Her body is athletic as she enjoys playing sports. She is very busty and proud of it. Her everyday wear is mostly jeans and a cute shirt that shows off her cleavage. She has even been known to wear skirts, though she prefers not to.

Costume: A tight, blue halter top with ample cleavage. The “TT” is sewn onto the left breast area. She also wears blue pants and comfortable matching boots.

Sexual Orientation: Straight. She isn’t really interested in a relationship. She prefers to tease.

Personality: Chione is a happy, outgoing girl. She can almost always be found smiling and laughing, no matter what the situation. She is an eternal optimist and prefers to focus on the positive side of people. She is a tad bit shy around those she’s never met, so friendships are mostly due to someone else approaching her. First impressions are critical to her opinion of someone. They are mostly final.

The “They” in that last sentence is a vague pronoun. I’d suggest fusing the last two sentences with an “and” to eliminate the ambiguity.

She is a bit of a tease with the opposite sex and loves showing off her impressive body. Her second love would be strawberries! Chione also has a tendency to shove her real emotions to the side. She puts on a happy face for the benefit of others mostly.

“She puts on a happy face for the benefit of others mostly” is rather hazy, and should be reworded a bit to clarify meaning. Perhaps something in the vein of: “She’ll put on a happy face for the benefit of others, even when she’s feeling down.”

She fears that if she lets her emotions surface, they will take over again.

Again? I’m going to assume this is addressed in your history and move on, though I recommend you take out the “again”, just to avoid confusion; people might assume they’ve missed something.

Because of this, she is extremely hard to anger.

“this” is another vague pronoun.

She just keeps pushing the anger down until she snaps. At this point, her rage can and will lash out.

I’d change “the anger” to “her anger”; it’s just clearer that way. The slight ambiguity of the second sentence can be eliminated by fusing the two sentences together:

“She just keeps pushing her anger down until she snaps, at which point her rage can and will lash out.”

She has a strict code of ethics that – though a tad strange – she sticks to. She has no pity for stupidity and laziness.

This is just personal opinion, but I find “pity” to be an unusual choice of words. Maybe “tolerance” or “patience” instead? “Pity” isn’t wrong by any means, but it sort of sounds like it is, y’know?

Whining is not acceptable and liable to irritate her. She has a peculiar hatred for authority. Though she often has no problem taking orders, she just as often ignores orders that “make no sense” to her thinking. She has an aversion to talking about her mother and will “shutdown” emotionally if asked.

The quotes aren’t really necessary, and neither is the word “thinking” in the third sentence.

As for characterization, a disregard for authority and a problem with whiners are a bit incongruous, no? Ignoring an order because you don’t agree with it is sort of whining in itself. I suppose the two traits could work together, but you’d have to get more specific. It’s your call on what to do here.

History: Born in Egypt, Chione was raised mostly by her mother. Her father was an influential businessman and busy more often than not. She and her mother shared a close relationship. From an early age, Chione would listen to no one but her mother. She believed that no one had the right to tell her what to do with this one exception.

The last sentence of this portion is a bit redundant. I can tell you’re trying to explain why she won’t listen to anyone but her mother, but it comes off as repetitive. Also, is there a reason as to why she would never listen to anyone else?

Because it pleased her mother, she would make an attempt to listen to her father. This did not always work; but as he was mostly away on business trips, it did not much affect their relationship.

The semicolon should be a comma.

Her mother was very shy and timid, never taking up for herself against the petty and cruel wives of the elite of society.

Is “taking up” an idiom? If it is, I’m unfamiliar with it, and I’m pretty good with idioms. (But correct me if I’m wrong! sweatdrop ) As it is, “standing up” would probably be better here.

This caused Chione to grow even more rebellious; she often found herself in trouble just for speaking up in her mother’s defense. Though, more often than not, it was the way she decided to defend her mother that landed her in hot water.

The second sentence basically repeats the second half of the first; you can eliminate it.

Around the age of fifteen or so, Chione’s father decided that his little girl would be better served getting an education elsewhere.

Dang, she had a young father. wink You know what to do here.

She was sent away to boarding school. She and her mother kept in touch through letters, but the impact of being ripped away from the only real confidante she had caused Chione to withdraw into herself. She became a little shy and rarely approached people. Still, she adjusted well, making friends and future social connections just as her father had hoped.
When she was a senior in high school, her father wrote to her. In the letter was an instruction to come home immediately. Puzzled, Chione boarded a plane and headed home. When she arrived at her estate, there were people everywhere; all were dressed in black or gray or some other dreary color. Assuming some important relative had died, she strode into her home, looking for her mother. Not being able to find her, she asked her father. His face somber, he replied that her mother had taken a fall from one of their prized horses. She had broken her neck and died almost instantly. Devastated, Chione did not know how to react. It was at this moment that she Erupted. The crowds of people in her home began to weep uncontrollably. Strange, since most had been here out of duty to her father.

The last sentence up there is a fragment, though it’d be easily fixed by adding “This was” to the beginning.

Their weeping became hysterical and uncontrollable. Many sank to their knees, grabbing their heads; they were unable to stand the level of grief they were feeling. Chione – tears running down her cheeks – stood alone in the mass of mourners. Her own father was crying the loudest. Frightened, Chione locked eyes with him. She saw only madness. He spun away and smashed through the glass table with his fist. Taking a shard he slit his wrists, uncaring that his blood ran down his arms unchecked.

There should probably be a comma after “shard”, but I’m not sure that it’s mandatory.

As if a disease, this new level of grief spread. Guests began grabbing pottery, glass, and scissors -- anything that would cut – and began slicing themselves open. Shocked and dismayed, unsure of what was happening; Chione fell to the pressures of her own real grief. She blacked out.

The semicolon should be a comma.

Later, upon coming to, she was told that the minute she fell unconscious, the guests had stopped acting strangely. Someone had maintained the presence of mind to send for medical help. Everyone, including her father, had survived. Chione still didn’t understand what this had to do with her until her father arrived. As soon as he entered the room, she was bombarded with conflicting emotions. Confusion, anger, and mostly fear flooded her mind causing her to cry out.

You need a comma after “mind”.

Her father feared her? Did everyone fear her?

She had, of course, heard of the Novas; but she never thought she was one.

The semicolon should be a comma.

At first, she had to be isolated due to the overload of emotions she received when in the presence of a sentient being. Even animals projected their hunger or fear upon her. Eventually, she was sent to Galvan Academy. She learned to block others emotions until and unless she wanted to read them. She is less adept at taking control of others emotions.

“others” in both the last and second to last sentences needs an apostrophe at the end.

She is only able to alter the degree of emotion at this point in time. She has never been able to replicate the “projection” of her own emotions as she did during her Eruption. Her reaction to the creation of Donric and the following events were mostly repulsion.

“Donric” should be “Donaric”. “were” should be “was”.

Her own dear mother had been human. She is determined to help reign in the rogue Novas. If Team Tomorrow is the way to do this, then she is equally determined to join.

"reign" should be written as "rein" here.

So she hasn’t joined yet? In this case, a bit more detail into her present status would be good.

‘Shyant’s Overall Rating: Good! You have very few characterization issues, fairly unique and balanced powers, and your grammar is fine, semicolon issues aside. I'd like to see you really sink your teeth into this profile and go into greater detail on Chione's personality, especially if you can tie it into her history more. You've definitely got something here; now just flesh it out a bit more.

You're very welcome, and thank you for alerting me to that semicolon rule; I hadn't heard of it before. Might I ask where you're located? If you're outside the United States, that might explain the differences in our grammar rules as well as the idiom variations.

Anyhow, I'm glad I could help. I'll leave it to Merlinic to go over your revised version and give you a second opinion; if there's anything I've missed, I'm sure she'll find it.

Hmm...I'm in the US. I live in Mississippi. Here in the South, we tend to...make up...our idioms. I just hadn't considered that everyone might not know it. sweatdrop Hmm...what grade are you in? That might be why you haven't heard of the semicolon rule. I'm an English major in college, and I just learned about it. It's considered an advanced rule, I believe. So if you're still in high school, you probably haven't learned it yet.

Goddamn I take forever to get anything done. Granted I've had a genuine excuse for several weeks, but still. Time is time. Oh yeah, the person who was asking--well, I saved up some money and went on a trip to France and Switzerland. Twas cool, though I think I now know that particular part of the world isn't for me long term XD. And now I have the same Swiss student I stayed with there for a few weeks sleeping on the other side of my room XD.

And on with the show. Or at least another little bit before I sleep tonight.


THE DEFENDERS OF THE EMPIRE.
Further insight into the current situation
First off, you may want to rethink this organization. The information in each seems almost random at times... Specially with the word current there when you then go 'in distant times' a line later.

In distant times the Empire was forged from battle and hardship, their god Sigmar leading the scattered human tribes of men to drive out the orks, and foul beastmen from the forests. Since that day , the descendants of those great warriors have waged a constant war to defend their realm from threats of all kinds.

That first their is bad because it doesn't have an antecedent (the word 'men' that it refers too comes after it instead of before). Need to reorder that, along with fix some comma stuff--I'll do that at the end of this section... 'In distant times' sounds weird to me but that could just be style choice. 'Human tribes of men' is redundant. No comma after orks. Standard is orcs actually, but orks could just be your choice. 'Since that day' is odd because I doubt all the previous stuff was done in one day. Other than being slightly effusive, though, the second sentence is fine... A lot of this is a bit effusive and all, actually, but I've been assuming it's style choice.

As for the first--this's one better version: [In distant times/Long ago] the [human] Empire was forged from battle and hardship. The god Sigmar led the scattered [human] tribes[--his future worshippers--]in driving out the orks and foul beastmen from the forests.

And one of those [human] options could be [of men] or whatever instead, just so that you don't repeat.

Two thousand years had passed since the age of Sigmar, a plague had broken out in the port city of Erengrad, decimating the populace.

If you're switching back to present time there, you need to indicate it a little better. Like, starting the sentence with [Now,] and saying 'have passed' and 'has broken out' would dramatically improve that. You missed an 'and' before a plague. Also, your paragraphs are a little long and unwieldy.

And 'scuse me, but I'm going to have to try to go into a little less detail if I'm ever going to finish this and all the others now on my list. *Wince* XD



With more than half of it?s defenders already struck down by disease, and their supplies low after their self imposed quarantine the city could offer little in the way of resistance.

Its. No apostrophe... Why 'its' and then 'their' both? If city is going to be your noun of choice you need it to use 'its' all the way through, though it sounds a bit weird--so I'd say the 'Erengradians' or 'the city people' or something instead and then use 'their' all through the sentence. You could drop the 'of' after half. I'd get rid of the comma after disease and add one after quarantine. Self-imposed, I believe. Scratch 'in the way of', it's wordy...

In less then a week the Erengrad had been secured by the dark powers, as a key staging point for the conquest to come. The towns and hamlets of the Empire where now burning.

I would put a comma after week. Why /the/ Erengrad? 'Dark powers'? That's an odd phrase to me because it implies magic when it was the Norsemen rather than any magic-people who were doing the work. Passive phrasing again--fix that: dark powers had secured Erengrad. For some reason I want to suggest the verb 'overrun' for that sentence. It'd be better to move the 'a key staging... to come' phrase to just after Erengrad in the first bit, like this after inverting the passive stuff too: ...dark powers had secured Erengrad, a key staging... to come.

Were now burning. That's an odd jump in what you're talking about--Erengrad was secured so automatically other towns just spontaneously combusted? Add something about 'as the Norsemen branched out from their new base' or something (and change 'were now burning' to something like 'began to burn') to make that make more sense.

Bands of butchers, monsters, and worse are slaughtering the populace in offering to their dark gods.

Wait, 'are'? Granted I'm reading this in bits, but I'm still pretty sure you were in past tense before. Or maybe I was making you change to past tense 'cause it sounded better. Anyway, watch tense XD. And I didn't know the average butcher was that bloodthirsty XD.

But this force is a mere feint, a drop in the ocean from what Archaon is about to unleash.

I don't like that comma thing much; a dash after feint would be stronger. 'Compared to what' would be better than 'from what'.

Dark rumors abound as it is said that from the extreme far north march the ancient Daemonic Legions, these creature are led to war by a Daemon Prince referred to simply as the dark prince, no one save those he has consumed know his true name.

One way I might write that, to just fix a lot in one blow: 'Dark rumors abound that the ancient Daemonic Legions are marching from the extreme north, led by a Daemon Prince called the dark prince, for no one still alive knows his true name.' I don't much like that version, though--there're too many commas and bits of information strung together... Two sentence version: 'Dark rumors abound that the ancient Daemonic Legions are marching from the extreme north. Their leader is [supposedly] the Daemon Prince that most simply call the dark prince [Dark Prince?], as no one still alive knows his true name. Another ending--[for he has consumed all who knew his true name.]

I'm just crossing my fingers you'll be able to tell what I changed there and why. Any questions, ask...

The Elector Counts of the Empire have made the call to arms to their own state militaries, and already thousands of men have answered the call, leaving home and family to fight in this great war.

'Made the call to arms in' sounds very strange, but I'm not sure what to suggest that doesn't completely change the words. Maybe you could get rid of the phrase altogether by combining the phrases--Already thousands of men have left their homes and families to answer the Elector Counts' call to arms [in their own state militias] for the coming war.

The Templars of the Reichgaurd, the very group who had raised the man who would become Archaon, have sworn dark oaths of vengeance.

I would say 'the group' or 'the same group' or just cut out that bit and say 'who', as 'the very group' sounds almost pretentious or something. I would say 'who raised the man'. If Reichgaurd's a city, I'd drop the 'the' in front of it.

To them his life is forfeit, and the only way that they can make up for the great stain he has placed upon their honor is by his utter destruction.

The second part is odd, and I think the main thing causing that is that 'his utter destruction' is not a 'way'--you could, however, say '...honor is to utterly destroy him'. 'Make up for' is weak wording. Perhaps 'avenge'?

The battle mages of the Empire have peered into the haze of the future and have seen the roiling uncertainty of the fates.

That, I must say, sounds wordy and pretentious, even compared to the standard tone you've set in this thing. Or maybe I've just exhausted my store of patience for this kind of thing now XD. But seriously, 'peered into the haze of the future' and 'roiling uncertainty of the fates'? I mean, good job for using some interesting words, but those still sound rather cliche-ish/overused to me. If you don't get what I'm saying, repeat them to yourself a few times, then take a break and come back later to consider them anew. XD And if that doesn't work, I can give you a few other suggestions to put your phrasing into perspective, but we'll stay away from that right now.

They, more than any other men living know the danger that they all face and that Archaon will prove to be one of the greatest foes anyone in living memory, or perhaps any memory, that they will ever have to overcome.

Comma after living. Perhaps just 'more than anyone'? It'd be shorter, unless 'men' is an important word there for you... Latter part of the sentence is screwed up. 'anyone in living memory... that they will ever have to overcome'? It's like you began with one thought and forgot it and so ended with another. I'll let you fix up that one yourself.

It is in to theses grim times, these desperate times that those who would oppose or aid in this this unholy slaughter come to the fore. Those who hold the lives of the great many before their own, or despise the weakness of these southern lands make them selves ready for the slaughter.

These. Why not 'grim, desperate times'? I understand perhaps that's style, but to be honest it's just not a style I like much. How about 'oppose or aid this unholy slaughter'? Themselves. And that second sentence is technically fine, I think, but it's so roundabout we have to pause for an instant or two before what you're saying actually translates into what you're talking about--which is never good. I suggest using some concise nouns and adjectives to sum up what you're talking about there.

It is a time of darkness, a time of wolves, to live in these times is to bare witness to base brutality of men and deamons, to see to the horrors they can bring into the world. Step foreword now, answer the carrion call of battle, go forth to do fell deeds for good or ill.

Forward. To make that actually grammatically correct instead of stylistic: Add a comma after 'darkness,' and make the comma after wolves a period. 'To bear witness'. The standard is actually 'demons'--before you said daemonic, and now it's deamons. Pick something and stick with it. Scratch the comma after demons and add an 'and'. Add an 'and' after 'battle,'. Note again that a lot of that is a little overdone on the wordage, but I'm alas too tired to try to fix it myself. Something else you can work on yourself, that ^^


And hip hip! One down!

Well, I'm a senior in high school, but I've taken a few college courses during my summers, and I read books on creative and general writing almost constantly. (Yes, I am a complete geek. Silence.) I'm flipping through The Elements of Style right now, and it makes no mention of such a rule. In fact, I've noted several sentences within the text that violate it. I've never noticed a compound sentence structured in such a way anywhere else, either.

Perhaps it's an older element of English that was gradually weeded out of common use... Is your professor a traditional grammar purist?