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i was raped when i was 5 or 6 years old and it was around christmas all i remember is the pain and the fear i felt it still hounts me to this day

Uh.
This is one of the most confusing, brought-on-to-myself things at all.
I'm 13 years old, okay? So this is still fairly recent... I guess.

Okay. So.
The first thing I realized was my cousin. My cousin is a female. Let's call her P.
So, I used to go over to my Grandparent's house a lot, who were also P's grandparents. She used to sleep in the bed with me.
One day, when I was about 8 years old, she asked me if I liked to play games with her.
"Yeah, P! You're the best cousin I've ever had!" I said.
"Well, want to play a secret game?" said P.
"Sure!! P, what is it! Tell me!!!"
"Well, you can't tell anyone.... ever. Okay?"
"Sure, P, I promise!"
So. P introduced.... *gulp* Sorry, this is still hard. Uh, P introduced a game to me called "Sex Torture". We would pretend that I was kidnapped and then she was the torturer. We really didn't know too much about sex except for the fact there was a lot of kissing and touching involved, so, er, it gradually developed.
We never went too far. The worst it ever got was when she put her hand down my shirt, and then down my pants. That was the only time it went that far, and she even asked if it was okay.
I didn't know anything. I was probably the most sheltered girl ever. I didn't even know this game was wrong until she told me everyone would hate me if I told anyone, ever.

So.
I eventually told my therapist, who I was originally going to for anger management. I had it in my mind, but I could never do it. She eventually pressed me for it and it all came out.

Needless to say, we rarely spend the night over there. But I still talk to her.
In fact, the last time I talked to her, she called me a b***h and a whore and told me it was my fault, that she didn't do anything wrong (( even though she was older than me )), and that she was innocent because she was too young to know better.
I don't talk to her anymore.

Well.
So. When I told my therapist, she asked it there was anything like that ever with another person.
And I remembered, but I didn't tell.
I had a dream. At least, that's what I remember it as. But it's more vivid then a dream, so i have classified it as a memory.
It involves a bathroom, and I was sick. My grandfather told me that he could make me better if I sucked on something, and orally raped me.

I supressed that memory and it didn't come up again until a couple of weeks ago.
When I first remembered, I couldn't eat.
I couldn't eat, couldn't talk, couldn't sing, couldn't breathe sometimes. All I thought about was something going down my throat the entire time.
I know I could get him into trouble, but all I have is that one memory. My sister was raped by him, but I don't want to dig up any memories and make her suicidal again.
So I'm not going to even try, please don't press that issue. Many people do and it only makes me feel worse.

So.
I remembered more.
At first, I remembered it as ME molesting another friend. Let's call her "N".
Well, I thought about it, and remembered P and N were in a cooking class with me one summer.
I told N about what P and me played a lot, and she began to play it with me. I was so used to it by this time that I let her.
That was the worst.
She used to make me get completely naked and pose, and she'd pretend to take pictures.
She pinned me to the carpet of my room and touched me.

I recently apologized to her.
I thought that I had been the one in fault for even mentioning it. And so I said I was sorry.
She said she had never even realized that it was molestion.

Then there was another girl at camp. Her name is "B".
See, I was at camp with N when N told B about the game P and me used to play.
So we did it during quiet time.

I feel like we hurt B more than she hurt us. I feel so sorry for her. I still have her bandanna in my closet. I don't think I'll ever see her again, but I hope that she will manage to get over it one day.



That's everything that's ever happened to me.
The last incident was a year ago.
That's how close it was.

I'm really sorry for everything thats happened. I know counseling will never help...in my opinion it only brings back horrible memories that no one wants to remember.

No.
You can be orally raped, as I was. Or anally. Or even with your hands. It depends on weither the p***s was involved, really.... I guess.

I know that now, I wish I did at the time.

Oh, I didn't take it offensively. o.o I was just saying why it hadn't been worked on at all, really.