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 Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:43 am
Ailsa, you said that you go see a psychiatrist, was it? Are you on anti-depression pills? This particular one is seeming to do the trick. It's helping me cope. I'm tired as all get-out, but that's one of the bad things about this pill. I am SO grateful to you and to Madralyn for getting me out of this dark hole. The pain hasn't gone away, but somehow, the pain is bearable lately. What's up with that? No.... actually the pain is moving, so it's not in that one particular spot all the time. That has added some comfort to me.
I do hope you and your doctors can get together and find out not only a cure, (which I don't think there is one), but talk amongst each other and get going with a plan so they can take action immediately on making your pain at least bearable! Thank you for the MANY wonderful birthday gifts you gave me. That brightened my day quite a bit. razz You didn't have to do all out just for me, but I appreciate it. Thanks.
Well, that's it for me, at least for now. God Bless and everyone.... please take care.
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 7:18 pm
It really makes me smile to see how many posts get... eh, posted! here while I flit away into the wilderness on a camping trip.
I'm going to go.. ref. back to posts many pages back, I hope you don't mind. Uhm, Ailsa! Hi! It's comforting for me to know that when doctors find something to not work, not really, they tend to not do it again. I get frustrated though, reading about how little knowledge not just your doctors, but all the doctors have with treating this. Though I guess I can't completely blame them or anything.. But anyway.. It's good to hear that you've gotten your exams done! It still amazes me that how much each and everyone of you put up a fight to live a "normal" life, whatever that is classified as by the rest of society.
I feel like I'm blabbling but..
Wolf~ I'm super sorry to hear about your horse, though the fact that he's young and it was just a twist is a relief! Didn't you say you had a race (which has... probably already passed, with my late timing replying to such things)?
Boldie. Boldie~~ I'm sorry that things have been so up and down for you.
And.. I took an hour long break from typing this so I completely lost my train of thought... Oh my goodness, but.. Boldie, you offer so much love and support to people and.. I'm sure you've been reminded countless times by people that... all those people you love and support, they love you right back and are holding their arms open to take you in and give you the support you too deserve. Depression is a serious thing, and I'm super glad that you were able to talk to a professional doctor, his theory about the anger thing is something I've never heard of but.. it makes sense (to me) in a way.
I'm blabbling AGAIN. But I love you Boldie, you're a really unique and wonderful person..
OKAY. Madralyn. I probably missed you more than some people would say was necessary, but I'm always so happy to talk to you. Eh.. I just don't even know what to say, when I tell you that you've been a big part of my strength, it's very much true, I pretty much consider you like my second mother and I get frustrated with myself when I forget at times the pain you go through and complain to you, so when you say that I sort of helped soften what you go through, well... OH. Random thought, but I have to write an essay about why I am, who I am, and what throughout my life has shaped me to be who I am. It's a complicated essay since I haven't really bothered finding out who I am, but with your permission, could I mention you. oi... *feels only slightly awkward*
I can't remember if I'm fogetting anyone.. it's taken me much longer than what should be necessary to write this. But really, coming back and reading everything just made me go all sappy and.. yeah. Love you all, really, very much~
I'm making my Englsih sound terrible and it's the only language I speak.
There are people that make the world a beautiful place and give life something extra worth living for, you're all one of those people.
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Kira-fightingdreamer Crew
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bittersweet and evocative
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:22 pm
I'm going to start from the bottom and work up, as that's what I can remember right now!!!
Kira, those parting words on your post were beautiful. Truly. They gave me a sense of warmth when I read them - something which I don't feel often any more. I try to keep on going with 'normal' every day activities in an effort to hold onto a piece of my old life, but I believe that others such as Boldie and Madralyn do such a better job at it than me. Me? I wallow. I mourn everything I cannot do and don't work hard enough at the things I still can do. I understand your frustration regarding the doctors that you mentioned. I feel that every day ><
I'm beginning to realise that doctors are NOT Gods, as much as we (as patients) wish they were. They're just not, and they never will be. I think once I fully accept that fact, I'll be able to accept my life long diagnosis. At least I hope so. Because if that doesn't do it, I have no idea what will aid me in accepting it. And a life time of this denial, frustration, utter helplessness, is a life I don't want to live.
Wolf, you said that teachers won't publish your writing? Neither will mine. They say it's too close to the bone for some readers, that it focuses too much on the bad. Umm, excuse me, what else am I supposed to focus on? I only have my life and my own experiences to work with, and as much as I wish I had different circumstances to the ones I have, the truth is I DON'T. It makes me so mad. But the authors at the Writing Festival loved my work and are going to help me get published, so that makes up for the school's lack of acceptance! Is there anyone outside of school that you could get to help edit your poems, and help you get them published?
as8b - thank you so much for my letter!! It arrived this afternoon and I'm about to go and read it <3
Boldie, oh Boldie. Those presents for your birthday are a pathetic resemblance of how much I love you. But it's a start, aye? In reply to your question, yes I am on anti depressants, but they don't seem to do much except make me quite groggy, as if there's a veil of mist between me and the rest of the world. I'm on the highest dose that an adult can take, even though I should really be considered a child in regards to how much they put me on. My doctors say, though, that because I'm on so much other medication that they need me on the higher amount of the drug. How that logic works I don't know. "Oh she's on a lot of pills - let's give her lots more!!" I'm thinking of changing meds though as these aren't helping me out of that hole, and every day, slowly but surely, I'm slipping further away. Part of me has already been lost. Another part has just slipped out of arm's reach. All the while I'm sitting here, watching myself break apart and disappearing. And I can't do anything about it.
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 6:40 am
Kira~ Yes, I do race. I race my horses. It's not a big thing, just something the neighborhood kids do! My mare won second... and my Stallion is recovering fast!
Ailsa~ My poems are very similar to yours! Mine are focused on wolves and their ways of life. (Ariel Hunting... close to extinction...etc.) I posted one of them in the D.I. Poetry thing... I think that's what it's called... lol! I know it's in the Writer's Den.
I would be scared to take so many pills... in fear of overdosage of something! >.< I only take one pill (The square one!!!)
Again, Boldie~ You are welcome for the gifts! I would have gotten you more elaborate items, but I was being selfish and bought myself multiple tickets D: so that's why I gave you the remander of my gold ^.^ It was good to see that you were cheery in the comment you left me! (Or, at least it seemed that way, and I'm gonna keep pretending that's how it was!) Also, I'm sorry that I couldn't reply back to your comment with pretty glitter text and whatnot. It just doesn't seem to wanna work for me D:
I just found out that my BFF is going on a four day vacation trip to North Carolina! Without me! Rarily does that happen! I didn't even know that she was going, until she posted it in her Gaia status. She didn't even ask if I wanted to come... emo
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:55 pm
hello!
ailsa - YAY!!! =)
i hope everyone is in good spirits today! =)
you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
kinda out of it still. =|
well off to go read about us governemtn.
as 8b
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:47 am
Hello everyone! I'm going to make this short, because I'm incredibly worn down, and don't want to bore you all with my rants.
as8b - I wrote my reply today for you, and will be sending it in the next few days. I hope it doesn't take too long to arrive!! How was your first day back at school? You've been in my prayers.
Wolf - I read your poem and really liked it. And you're right, our writing styles are quite similar ><
Anyway, I'm off now before I let loose and let everything out, boring you in the process.
xox Ailsa xox
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bittersweet and evocative
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 10:02 am
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 10:03 am
Good morning!!!
Ailsa::: I'm glad you read my poem. ^-^
I got a USB drive!!! AND IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A LOLLIPOP!!! (and it's strawberry sented!!!) HAPPINESS
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:02 pm
"Boldie. Boldie~~ I'm sorry that things have been so up and down for you.
And.. I took an hour long break from typing this so I completely lost my train of thought... Oh my goodness, but.. Boldie, you offer so much love and support to people and.. I'm sure you've been reminded countless times by people that... all those people you love and support, they love you right back and are holding their arms open to take you in and give you the support you too deserve. Depression is a serious thing, and I'm super glad that you were able to talk to a professional doctor, his theory about the anger thing is something I've never heard of but.. it makes sense (to me) in a way.
I'm blabbling AGAIN. But I love you Boldie, you're a really unique and wonderful person."
Well it's not only the depression I'm facing, but the pain. So the more the pain, the depressed I get. Kinda works hand in hand. And for the most part, I like to think of myself as a cheery person. I'm just trying to get used to NOW the 2 different meds the doc put me on. Why do they do that, anybody know? Why not try 1 drug first to see if it works, THEN, put me on another. I don't get it, but like Ailsa said, Doctors are not Gods. lol Thanks so much for everyone's good wishes for me today. I hit 45 !!!! OMG!!!!! NO!!!!!! can't be!!!!!!!!!!! lol I'll talk to ya'll later......
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:27 pm
I hope you had a fantastic birthday, Boldie. You of all people deserve that. I'm...I don't know...I'm not myself any more. I don't even know who I was, let alone who I am now. It's too much. The pain, the darkness, the effort, life. It's too much to deal with, to try to fit into my coping strategies. Well, physio, well psychologist, it's too much. I can't do this much longer.
So I'm going to go and try to ignore the fact that I'm breathing, therefore meaning I'm alive. Sorry for this rant. Please feel free to ignore it.
xx
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bittersweet and evocative
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 7:56 am
I know most of you don't know this, but I'm emo. And I listen to music, and it seems to help me cope. Not like, Heavy Metal, but I listen to Country. And Heavy Metal... but that's when I'm just being me.... hehe.
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Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 6:03 pm
hey wolf! i haven't talked to you much! how's it going. no pain i hope! =)
Alisa- YAY!!!!!!! i'm excited now! i had the crappiest day ever TODAY! my frist day of school was good. just going over rules and procedures.
how are you? i hope not alot of pain has been bugging you.
boldie - sista, i hope you had a fantabulous b-day. and i hope you are doing better, and i hope the pain is not bringing you down today!
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Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 8:02 pm
bittersweet and evocative Boldie, it's so nice to hear your cheery voice again. Well, read it, but you know what I mean!! I think that it's about time a doctor gave you the attention you deserve. I'll thank God in my prayers that He provided you with a doctor who actually listened to you, and is trying to make things that bit easier.
New medication? Well, lets hope this one is more productive for you than the last. I like the sound of your doctor though, in regards to his ideas about suicide. I spoke for the first time to a friend the other night about what it really feels like for me on the days when the hole immerses me entirely. Lots of tears were shed that day. And she looks slightly uncomfortable in my presence now, so I'm torn being thinking that it was a good thing I talked about it and a disaster. I feel as if there is a black hole in my stomach, sucking me into it, and leaving nothing behind. It's like something bad is about to happen - I just don't know what it is yet.
My Grandma has just arrived home with my sister from Australia, so I'm putting on a brave face, a hopefully convincing smile, and am heading into the midst of socialising. Oh great. Love to you all, and Boldie, I am really happy that you're feeling better. That makes one of us ><
xx Ailsa xx
lol, I'm already gathering up information in my head for the NEXT newsletter. BTW, wasn't that newsletter just totally awesome! Yup, we worked really hard on that one, and it turned out phenomenal. I bet you can't wait for October's newsletter, eh? lol oooooooooooo scary stuff, spooky stuff, black cat stuff, and witches and goblins.................. See? I can't give this guild up. What would I really do with my time? lol
Ailsa, and everyone else..... thank you so much for your undying support. Without friends like ya'll, where would I be? Oh!!! and thank you everyone for participating in my birthday. Whether it was presents, or just quick little notes, I sure did appreciate it. God Bless you all ! You're a good, decent group of people ! (AND YOU'RE ALL MY FRIENDS, TOO!! WHAT A BONUS!)
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Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 11:19 pm
Didn't think it was possible, but today was worse than yesterday. So I'm off to drown myself out with loud music - Wolf, I share that in common with you ><
I did enjoy the newsletter - thank you for the time you put into it, especially as you haven't been feeling great! And that goes to you, too, Madralyn <3
The way you all manage to get on with your lives amazes me, when you're going through so much. I feel so petty that I can't even make it through a day without crying. In all honesty, I have no idea how you do it.
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bittersweet and evocative
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:43 am
YAY LOUD MUSIC!!!
AS8B: I'm doing a lot better. So is my horse! YAY
boldie: The newsletters! So cool! I love em'! I especially can't wait for next month! Especially with Halloween! ^-^
But, I didn't see anything about your b-day in it D: Or did I miss that?
Well, I've opened up an Art Shop titled I will Draw you a Wolfie <3
The problem though, is that when I was nine, I was attacked by a dog, giving my right-hand permenant damage... So I'm hoping my shop won't be TOO crowded! (Give my hand a break now-n-then)
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