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On his travels, he heard a legend of a cursed scythe named the "Soul Eater" that had a reputation of granting great power at the price of slowly killing anyone who used it. Curious, he searched the world for the legendary weapon. After years of searching, he found the weapon, and took it with him.
Sounds easy enough. Years of searching and he's only in his twenties, too? And all it took was a bit of looking around? I'd be interested in more details on the history of that--if he had to strike any bargains or decieve people or kill anyone or trek though someplace dangerous or what... Just because.

Although it never really "killed" him, it changed him for the worse by fusing him with a demon by the name of Kireek, whose soul happened to be inside of the scythe.

An interesting tweak to the mentioned legend.

Over the years, Wyatt has been able to keep Kireek in check, but sometimes he loses control. When he does, Kireek takes over and wreaks havoc in Wyatt's place.

Mkay then. A few more words on why Kireek's so intent on destruction. Demon nature, or what?

Although Kireek despises Wyatt, he understands that protecting him is necessary, for if Wyatt were to die, so would Kireek. So although Kireek is evil, one of his priorities is protecting his host.

That bit's not bad, but again is there a reason for Kireek's inherent evilness?

The main thing I see missing from this profile is any strong sense of either of them's personality (other than Kireek = evil, anyway). It's entirely possible that you already have interesting, nuanced personalities for both that you use in actual roleplay that just didn't get shown here, but if that's not the case do think on developing their character a bit. Imagining what kind of history they both had before this is a good way to start on that, if you're stuck.

Also, what's the physical staff like? Do other people immediately recognize it, or does it look normal? Are either or both of them still physically tied to it in some way, now that Kireek is part of Wyatt?

And that's all I got on this for now--one more down. I'll start working on whoever's next...

Yes, coming back is always an option, it just tends to take me forever to get to people so there's the wait and all XD.

And excuse me if I miss misspellings or misspell something myself in here; I'm on a foreign computer and I can't get the English spell check to kick in XD.



HISTORY OF A CONFLICT

XD My first thought is 'Wait, what conflict?'

Archaon was born without family to raise him and was passed over into the care of the brotherhood of the Templars, known by most as the witch hunters, were sworn to protect the remaining lands of the free peoples, from the threats presented by evil creatures and men who would seek to corrupt what little was left from the ancient times.

First off, at this point we have no idea who Archaon is, so I'm sitting here wondering exactly why I'm reading about him in the first place. Born without family? Mother died in childbirth and no other relatives, or what? Specify if you can fit it in smoothly. 'Was passed over' = passive wording = bad. Who passed him over? Sentence wise, this would be considerably less convoluted:

..of the Templars, known by most as the witch hunters. The Templars were sworn to protect the remaining lands of the free peoples from the threats presented by evil creatures and men who would seek to corrupt what little was left from the ancient times.

Witch hunters? Is this old style accusation witch hunting, or real witches? 'Threats presented by' could really be removed without too much detriment to the sentence, and then it's less wordy. Evil creatures? Maybe if there are a few prominent ones include their names along with 'and other evil creatures'--that'll give the reader a more concrete idea of what you're talking about. 'Who would seek' is an interesting word choice, but it works alright I think. 'What little was left from the ancient times'? Little what? Virtue? Power? Something else? Define. And though I think you explain some of the ancient times stuff a little later, fyi that right here the reference is a little vague.


There are a great many books and teachings, treatises and grimoires that are kept within the great cathedral in the city of Altdorf, there to be studied by the wise and the pure to combat the menaces the constantly gnaw away at the world. Some however are so evil and tainted that none should ever read them, and there are few who actually can.

And we suddenly switch to a description of this why? Transition a little, if you can.

'There are' = inherently passive/weak wording; use with care. And who does the keeping? With that information, we could rearrange that writing to look like this:

Within the great cathedral in the city of Altdorf, _[scholars]_ keep many books, teachings, treatises and grimoires that the wise and pure study [in order] to combat the menaces that constantly gnaw away at the world.

Depending on exactly how you rewrite it, that second version both eliminates eight or ten words and makes what you're saying clearer and more direct. I made some other small adjustments within the rewriting--that for a typoed the and some comma fixing I believe...

One such volume is the Celestine book of divination. Contained within is the carefully recorded rantings of Nercodomo the Insane.

Celestine? What's important about that that it's capitalized but 'book of divination' is not? Just know what your reasoning is... You could easily combine these two sentences--...book of divination, which contains the carefullly recorded....

From within this tome, the Templar learned the secrets of the world and truth about the gods and their existence. The knowledge was too much for a mortal mind, and he fled the temple screaming at the gods, calling them liars.

Wait a second, the book that drove him crazy and the book that I assume someone else recorded his rantings in is the same? Why didn't the second person go mad too--or is it just certain sections that are dangerous? Or did Nercodomo have enough presence of mind to write it down himself...?

'From within this tome' sounds a little unwieldy; 'from this tome' would be better without drastically changing the words. Since there's no way for us to immediately know for sure at this point that Nercodomo is the Templar you reference, I would discourage that word right there. I'd say 'the truth'.

The once faithful defender had learned a terrifying truth and his sense of betrayal quickly became a thirst for vengeance against his people, the teachers who had lied him, and to tear down their weakling nations in a storm of blood and steel.

Comma after truth. I think this needs to be split into two sentences to be easily clear; how about:

The once faithful defender had learned a terrifying truth, and his sense of betrayal quickly became a thirst for vengeance against his people and the teachers who had lied him. [He resolved] to tear down their weakling nations in a storm of blood and steel.

No vengeance against the gods he was originally screaming at...? Just the mortals who were fooled the same way he was? Part of that answer depends on exactly what it was he learned, but it's still a little odd...

Name: Angolina Chupaflor (Angel)

Age: 18

Alignment: Suffra

Special Abilities: Control of glass or anything crystalline. Glass or crystal under her control can become as hard as metal or as soft as putty. She can manipulate glass into any shape she desires without heating it. Her hands can also withstand intense heat without protection.

Codename: Diadem

Appearance: Angel is half african american, half hispanic (hence her last name which means "hummingbird" in Spanish). Her skin is as dark as milk chocolate. Her hair is dark, straight and quite thick, falling just past her shoulders. Her eyes are almond shaped an only slightly slanted upward at the outside corners and are very dark brown. Her nose isn't as broad as her mother's nor as slim as her fathers, falling somehwere in the middle. She has full lips like her mother, though. She has an athletic build, getting her height from her mother's side of the family. ((If Galvan uses uniforms)) She usually wears the guys uniform, not a skirt kind of girl.

Sexual Orientation: As far as she is concerned she doesn't need guys and is a bit of a tom boy when it comes to them. Boys are buddies, not love interests...neither are girls. That's not to say that she'll never have a crush, she just hasn't met the right guy.

Personality: Aside from her hobby which will be discussed later, Angel is a tom boy and protective of the underdog. She can be quick to get mad and a bit defensive but othrewise she is generally cheery and gets along with others as long as they don't piss her off.

History: Angel was born to a father, Lorenzo Chupaflor and her mother Tanzania Wright. Her father is of Hispanic and Italian decent who was disgraced and cast out of his family after testifying against his cousin who murdered his aunt, his mother. He fled Mexico, changing his identity with the help of the police to Italy where he studied glass blowing and sculpturing in Moreno. After becoming a Master he moved to America. There he met his wife; a spirited African American woman who had just finished nursing school and had started working in the local hospital. Lorenzo’s glass sculptor business did very well and soon, not only Lorenzo but Tanzania was raking in big bucks. They moved to a nice middle class neighborhood, living well below their means. Angel grew up in a relatively safe environment, went to a public school but with her father’s history which he kept secret from his daughter but not his wife, he taught Angel how to defend herself, including how to fight very dirty to save her skin.

Angel became interested in her father’s shop when she was five years of age and when she had finished her homework and chores she’d hang out in her father’s shop. She made this a regular practice for a year before he started giving her little tasks to do. As she got older, his tasks grew more complicated. He was patient and thrilled that his daughter was showing an interest in his occupation already dreaming of handing it over to her once he was done. At twelve years of age with much begging and goading, Lorenzo finally taught his daughter how to blow glass. He was amazed at how quickly she picked it up and soon grew confident with leaving her to blow her own globes by herself but always with him in the shop. A year later, in order to impress her father, Angel attempted to blow a globe while her father was away. Something went wrong, however and white hot globe exploded, sending scalding hot shards of glass at Angel’s face. She flinched away, throwing her hands to her face instinctively. When nothing struck her face she was amazed to find the glowing shards of glass floating in the air inches from her face.

With this new discovery, Angel began experimenting with her new talent in private. Her father found out two years later when she was fifteen. He walked in on her when she was manipulating a glowing globe of glass into the shape of a horse without even touching it. Lorenzo was more shocked by this discovery than his wife, whose grandmother was known for having some uncanny ability though no one in the family was able to catch her in the act. At sixteen years of age, Angel has a pretty firm grasp of her powers. Her father discovered Galvan by accident while at the doctor’s office. He brought it home to his wife and they debated and discussed for three days before they finally decided to let her go. Angel enjoys a close relationship with both her parents and even though her father’s employment was of great interest of her, her mother always found time educate her on matters of the medical field and at the same time she developed the interest in glass blowing, her mother put her in dance classes as well. It started out with ballet but when she got older she switched it to hip hop. Her mother also taught her how to shop smart, gave Angel her fashion sense, taught her how to cook, keep the books, house keep, and to be confident in everything she did. Angel inherited her mother’s family’s moodiness.

thanx yeah my grammers pretty bad but thanx xd

My edits are in dark red. Hope they aren't too confusing...*grimace* That aside this looks interesting, a draconic detective, I like! I hope there is more to come!

Ah! I think I've finally found someone as obsessed with grammar as myself! Thank you, Merlinic, for making my day. I'd like to submit this character profile for review (probably from krome since its for her RP). I'm really looking for advice on how to improve the character herself (not so much the grammar but if you happen to find mistakes...). I'm a little scared that she might be too powerful, but I don't have any problems with changing that. Thanks! I'm waiting patiently. I know you don't have a lot of time.

Name: Chione Shekatli

Age: 19

Alignment: Suffra

Special Abilities: Chione is a very powerful Empath. She can not only sense the emotions of others, she can – sometimes – nudge these emotions and control their outcome. At the most extreme, she can send someone who is sad into a suicidal depression. She cannot completely alter and/or create new emotions. She can only adjust the depth of the ones already there. She mostly uses her abilities to aid the mental health of others.

Codename: ((suggestions? O_O))

Appearance: Chione is of Egyptian origin. She has darkly tanned skin. Her hair is black, straight, and falls to her lower back. Her eyes are also black. Her body is athletic as she enjoys playing sports. She is very busty and proud of it. Her everyday wear is mostly jeans and a cute shirt that shows off her cleavage. She has even been known to wear skirts, though she prefers not to.

Costume: A tight, blue halter top with ample cleavage. The “TT” is sewn onto the left breast area. She also wears blue pants and comfortable matching boots.

Sexual Orientation: Straight. She isn’t really interested in a relationship. She prefers to tease.

Personality: Chione is a happy, outgoing girl. She can almost always be found smiling and laughing, no matter what the situation. She is an eternal optimist and prefers to focus on the positive side of people. She is a tad bit shy around those she’s never met, so friendships are mostly due to someone else approaching her. First impressions are critical to her opinion of someone. They are mostly final. She is a bit of a tease with the opposite sex and loves showing off her impressive body. Her second love would be strawberries! Chione also has a tendency to shove her real emotions to the side. She puts on a happy face for the benefit of others mostly. She fears that if she lets her emotions surface, they will take over again. Because of this, she is extremely hard to anger. She just keeps pushing the anger down until she snaps. At this point, her rage can and will lash out. She has a strict code of ethics that – though a tad strange – she sticks to. She has no pity for stupidity and laziness. Whining is not acceptable and liable to irritate her. She has a peculiar hatred for authority. Though she often has no problem taking orders, she just as often ignores orders that “make no sense” to her thinking. She has an aversion to talking about her mother and will “shutdown” emotionally if asked.


History: Born in Egypt, Chione was raised mostly by her mother. Her father was an influential businessman and busy more often than not. She and her mother shared a close relationship. From an early age, Chione would listen to no one but her mother. She believed that no one had the right to tell her what to do with this one exception. Because it pleased her mother, she would make an attempt to listen to her father. This did not always work; but as he was mostly away on business trips, it did not much affect their relationship. Her mother was very shy and timid, never taking up for herself against the petty and cruel wives of the elite of society. This caused Chione to grow even more rebellious; she often found herself in trouble just for speaking up in her mother’s defense. Though, more often than not, it was the way she decided to defend her mother that landed her in hot water.
Around the age of fifteen or so, Chione’s father decided that his little girl would be better served getting an education elsewhere. She was sent away to boarding school. She and her mother kept in touch through letters, but the impact of being ripped away from the only real confidante she had caused Chione to withdraw into herself. She became a little shy and rarely approached people. Still, she adjusted well, making friends and future social connections just as her father had hoped.
When she was a senior in high school, her father wrote to her. In the letter was an instruction to come home immediately. Puzzled, Chione boarded a plane and headed home. When she arrived at her estate, there were people everywhere; all were dressed in black or gray or some other dreary color. Assuming some important relative had died, she strode into her home, looking for her mother. Not being able to find her, she asked her father. His face somber, he replied that her mother had taken a fall from one of their prized horses. She had broken her neck and died almost instantly. Devastated, Chione did not know how to react. It was at this moment that she Erupted.
The crowds of people in her home began to weep uncontrollably. Strange, since most had been here out of duty to her father. Their weeping became hysterical and uncontrollable. Many sank to their knees, grabbing their heads; they were unable to stand the level of grief they were feeling. Chione – tears running down her cheeks – stood alone in the mass of mourners. Her own father was crying the loudest. Frightened, Chione locked eyes with him. She saw only madness. He spun away and smashed through the glass table with his fist. Taking a shard he slit his wrists, uncaring that his blood ran down his arms unchecked. As if a disease, this new level of grief spread. Guests began grabbing pottery, glass, and scissors -- anything that would cut – and began slicing themselves open. Shocked and dismayed, unsure of what was happening; Chione fell to the pressures of her own real grief. She blacked out.
Later, upon coming to, she was told that the minute she fell unconscious, the guests had stopped acting strangely. Someone had maintained the presence of mind to send for medical help. Everyone, including her father, had survived. Chione still didn’t understand what this had to do with her until her father arrived. As soon as he entered the room, she was bombarded with conflicting emotions. Confusion, anger, and mostly fear flooded her mind causing her to cry out. Her father feared her? Did everyone fear her?
She had, of course, heard of the Novas; but she never thought she was one. At first, she had to be isolated due to the overload of emotions she received when in the presence of a sentient being. Even animals projected their hunger or fear upon her. Eventually, she was sent to Galvan Academy. She learned to block others emotions until and unless she wanted to read them. She is less adept at taking control of others emotions. She is only able to alter the degree of emotion at this point in time. She has never been able to replicate the “projection” of her own emotions as she did during her Eruption.
Her reaction to the creation of Donric and the following events were mostly repulsion. Her own dear mother had been human. She is determined to help reign in the rogue Novas. If Team Tomorrow is the way to do this, then she is equally determined to join.

Technically, that's a sentence. The only thing most English teachers would get you for is the ambiguous 'it'. Then again, I do several things in the interest of style that my English professor would kill me for! 3nodding

n_n Oooh. Okay! I was confused for a minute, but now that I've stopped to think about it, it makes some sense. Thanks a bunch guys.