|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:05 am
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:30 pm
UPDATED AT LAAAAASSSST!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:50 pm
David tolerates it, but he tells himself it won’t last. Every day he thinks hard, wishing he could find a solution that Janna will agree to. She simply doesn’t see why she shouldn’t keep her job; she still needs money, and it pays. David, on the other hand, can’t see why she doesn’t quit, if she hates it and it hurts her. A compromise is impossible; an argument is inevitable.
David knows this, and decides that he will put it off until it is absolutely necessary. Which, as it happens, is very, very soon.
One Monday, at ten or so, he sojourns to Janna’s again, wondering grumpily how many men she’s already slept with today. He has no control over her, so he feels that if this is what she wants to do, he should give her some space and come later, like she asked him to…but he still wishes that she wouldn’t be so stubborn.
He wraps himself in more pleasant thoughts--memories of Saturday night, when he was invited to stay over again. All that day Nina and Janna and he walked around Manhattan, exploring the shops, enjoying themselves immensely. Janna and Nina, used to being poor, merely contented themselves with looking at the pretty things in the windows, and watching other people ice skate in Rockefeller Center or pour into the theaters to see the shows, Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, Legally Blonde, Beauty and the Beast, the Little Mermaid.
David, on the other hand, was not used to it at all; he rarely goes shopping, and when he does it’s with a mission. He had never gone into a store without buying or attempting to buy something; never just to look around and enjoy himself. He couldn’t help but feel that if you’re going to be milling around in someone’s store and trying on their clothes, you should buy something. But Janna and Nina wouldn’t let him; they said it ruined the fun.
They had fun with him that day; normally they were each other’s Barbie dolls, but that day they had a Ken. They made him try on clothes, everything from business suits to dashikis, and teased him when they saw how it looked; he retaliated by taking Janna to Victoria’s Secret and making her try on lingerie. Nina laughed at them both, treating Janna like her best friend and David like her younger brother. Later, they all got ice cream and laughed about it; and they spent the evening in Janna’s apartment playing Truth or Dare and watching Disney movies. Then, when Nina was asleep, David and Janna sneaked into the bedroom and made love until three in the morning.
It is a nice memory, almost enough to make David forget about the problem at hand…at least until he arrives outside and sees that Janna is gone.
He freezes. Looks all around. Where is she? Normally she is right here….
He has several horrible theories on the spot; the most logical of them is simply that Janna is with a client. He really hates this dilemma--it’s happened before. Is she really with a client? Is the guy hurting her? Should he go and rescue her? Or leave her alone? And what if she really isn’t? What if she was kidnapped? What if she just went around the block? Should he wait? Should he go look for her? How could she ever forgive him if something bad happened and he didn’t do anything?
He compromises; he decides to wait for half an hour, then look for her if he has to. He doesn’t like it, but he does it…he has so far respected her decisions, and wants to keep it that way. Thirty minutes is more than enough.
But quite clearly, he realizes after thirty minutes have long past, that isn’t long enough at all.
Thirty-five…thirty-seven…should he go look now? But what if…what if he sees her…with.
Forty-five….
He steels himself; he said thirty minutes, didn’t he? That’s what he would do. He picks himself up and pushes himself up all three flights of stairs before the sureness wears off. His hand hovers over her doorknob; he can’t hear anything, but that’s nothing. If he opens this door, what is he going to see?
He takes a deep breath and turns the knob. It opens; only then does he realize that that is a bad thing. Janna locks the door, always. She would consider it suicide not to do so.
David closes the door carefully behind him, and out of habit, turns both locks. Then he looks around. No one is there.
“Janna?” he calls.
He hears something; he isn’t sure what. A mouse? The wind? He looks around again and sees that the bedroom door is slightly open. It’s coming from there.
“Janna?” he calls again, stepping toward it. The noise comes again: a small, stifled sob. “Janna?”
He gently pushes open the door.
He doesn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t this. Janine’s clothes on the floor, an abandoned condom, two hundred dollars on the table. A shivering lump beneath the sheets, from which the muffled crying comes.
“Janna?” he repeats incredulously, unable to understand. He runs over and kneels by the bed, shaking what he thinks is her shoulder. It flinches at his touch. “Janna, are you okay? What happened?”
“GO AWAY!” her voice sobs, lashing out at him with a sheet-covered fist. He dodges it, alarmed.
“What happened, Janna? Are you okay?”
“Just leave me alone!” She burst into frighteningly deep sobs, sounding unable to breathe. David sees wet patches on the sheets and a hand-sized starburst of blood.
“Janna! Janna, what happened? Talk to me, Janna, please!”
“GET OUT!” she screams hysterically. “JUST GO AWAY, I’M NOT ******** ANYONE ELSE TODAY OR TOMORROW OR /EVER/!”
He is no less than alarmed now; he hesitates, then places his hand on her quivering form. “Janna, it’s me,” he says softly, “I’m not going to make you do anything. Tell me what’s wrong, please….”
She just cries; her intensity frightens him. He has never seen her cry before. He has never seen anyone cry before, not like this.
He pulls on the sheets; Janna resists him, but then gives up. The sheets slide down to her back. She has buried her head in her arms; her hair is loose, dirty, and damp, and her skin is bruised and has splashes of some white substance that he doesn’t want to think about on it. Her pillow is spotted with blood and tears.
“Janna!” he cries, alarmed. “What happened to you?”
“Go away,” she moans, “just go away….”
He refuses to; he takes her hand and squeezes it tight, ignoring the suspicious dampness. She squeezes back, starting to cry again.
“Are you okay?” he asks her urgently, feeling fear crawl up his throat. “Should I call the hospital--?”
“No!” Janna says loudly, grabbing his hand in both of hers and clinging to it. “No, don’t….”
He stays where he is. Stares. He can see a livid bruise forming around her eye.
“Janna, who did that to you?” he demands. “Who…?”
“I don’t know,” she whimpers, “I don’t know….”
David realizes, then, that he is being stupid; he rises to his feet. “Don’t go,” Janna murmurs, pulling him back, but he detaches himself anyway.
“I’ll be right back, Janna, I promise.”
She lets him go, but starts to sob once more; he quickly slips out of the room and grabs a damp towel, a glass of water, and another blanket. Then he returns and starts to gently wipe Janna’s back off, then her arms, then what little of her face she’ll show.
“Janna, love,” he says gently, “it’ll be okay, come sit up and drink your water--”
“No,” she moans, “no, no, I’m not moving, I’m not ever….”
“Are you hurt anywhere, honey?” he asks her; she hesitates, then lets out a sob and nods. “Where?”
“Everywhere,” she sniffs.
“It’ll be okay, Janna. Let me see your face…I’ll clean it off for you.”
She reluctantly lets her arms slide back; he tilts her face toward him. She closes her eyes, tears still pouring down her cheeks. Her face is bruised, and her lip is crusted with dried blood. He says nothing; merely wipes away the blood, tearstains, and God knows what else. She doesn’t look much better when all of it is gone.
He kisses her forehead, assuring her again and again that it’ll be all right; she throws her arms around his neck and cries into his shirt, absolutely distraught. He has never imagined she could be this way before--Janna the ever-resilient, Janna the stubborn, Janna the warrior queen. He, without thinking, kicks off his shoes and slips into bed beside her; she clings to him, and he slowly rubs her back and assures her that it will all be okay, he won’t let anything bad happen to her again.
He doesn’t rub it in--Janna, he thinks, I told you so, but he doesn’t say it. Janna seems to know anyway, without being told. She buries her face in his shirt, probably ruining it with the tears and small spots of blood; he lets her, holding her tightly, helping her however he can.
Eventually, her sobs quiet; she drinks her water, but refuses to move more than she has to. David can see more bruises all over her body, especially around her thighs, but he suspects the worst injuries are inside her. He wants to take her to the hospital; she refuses. What if they find out? What if they take away Nina? She assures him she’ll be all right--her voice is hoarse from crying--and he decides to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.
He lays with her for hours; she closes her eyes and naps, but doesn’t sleep. Occasionally she’ll wince and shift, or perhaps start to cry again; he knows she’s still in pain, but she won’t let him do anything.
She looks like she is sleeping at around two; David doesn’t have the heart to wake her up, but he makes himself anyway.
“Janna?”
She doesn’t move. He frowns.
“Janna!”
He gently shakes her shoulder; she makes a face in her sleep. He continues calling her name until she opens her eyes and stares sleepily at him.
“Huh?”
“Janna, honey, it’s time to wake up, we have to go get Nina, remember?”
It appears to him that only half of that computed. “Nina?” she repeats groggily.
“Yes, we have to go pick her up from school. Are you feeling up to it?”
“’Course…” she mumbles. “Need to shower….”
She rolls over and tries to push herself up; then she falls back with a cry of pain. “Ow, ow ******** ow--”
“Janna? Are you still hurt?” His hands flounder uselessly; he brushes them across her forehead and finds that it’s hot and fevered. “Janna?!”
“It’s fine,” she gasps, annoyed, laying back and closing her eyes; her breaths are fast and sharp.
“No, really, Janna, you should go to the hospital--”
“I’m FINE!” she growls, her eyes still closed, trying and failing to get up yet again. “I don’t need a hospital! I just need a shower--”
David can’t stand to see her keep falling back; it kills a small and desperate place inside him every time.
“Janna, this isn’t working. You can’t even get up.”
“I’m fine,” she snaps again, pushing herself up and leaning against the headboard, breathing heavily through her nose. “See? I can…get up…just fine….”
“I think you need to go to the hospital.”
“I’m not paying for some ******** psycho to shove needles in me,” she says irritably.
“No one said you have to pay. How about we make a deal? I’ll call an ambulance--”
“No!” she shouts. “No way!”
“Do you have a car? Because I don’t.”
She scowls. “No one has a ******** car…there are taxis, and subways--”
“Okay, fine, I’ll pay for a taxi--”
“You’re not paying for anything,” she mutters under her breath.
“--or I could just carry you,” he shrugs.
She glares at him. “I’m not going to the hospital.”
David shrugs. Now, he feels, is a good time to start being firm. “Did you have a better plan?”
“Yeah,” she spits, struggling to keep herself up as she slipped downward, “I’m getting a shower, and I’m going to get Nina, and pretend like none of this--”
“How?”
She blinks. “What?”
“How are you going to manage that?”
“Same way everyone else does,” she says testily.
“Walking? Can you even get up?”
“Yes,” she snaps.
“Go on, then.”
She gives him a death glare, furious from the pain; she fights herself, tries her very best to get up, but she can’t. She falls back, gasping for breath and wincing.
“Janna,” David says gently, “you need to go to a hospital.”
“No,” she says stubbornly. “No…no.”
“Okay,” he reasons. “That’s perfectly fine. Tell you what, I’ll help you to the bathroom, and to the door, and down the stairs…but then what, Janna?” he says softly. “Then what?”
She stares at him. Smiles a little. “Damn, lover boy,” she sighs, “when did you get such an attitude?”
“Janna, I swear to God, I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you. Just please--PLEASE let me take you to the damn hospital.” He isn’t prone to cursing, but he’s desperate. Janna arches her eyebrows.
“What about Nina?”
“I’ll get her. I’ll find a way.”
“I’m going to be arrested if they find out.”
“No, you won’t. Just give them your night job, and tell them you were raped….”
“I can’t afford it.”
“You don’t have to pay.”
“I’m not owing you for this.”
“You won’t have to owe me.”
“I’m not taking money from anyone, all right?” she says angrily.
“Then for God’s sake, Janna,” he retorts, overwhelmed by frustration, “pay me back with whatever you want, I don’t care, just let me take you to the ******** hospital!”
She blinks. Frowns. “I don’t want to go,” she says, in a considerably smaller voice.
“You need to,” he says firmly.
“But….” She fishes around for an objection.
“But nothing,” he insists. “I’m taking you, Janna. This could be something serious.”
She bites her lip. For her, it’s a hard choice to make. But David has her on this one--she can’t do anything by herself.
“Fine,” she finally snaps. “But I want a shower first.”
~~~
Janna insists on a shower before David calls 9-1-1 and requests an ambulance. After that, all they can do is wait in the lounge, Janna coated in makeup and curled up on David’s lap, David holding her as tightly as she’ll let him, biting back the worry and the fear. He told her it would be all right, but would it? Would it really?
The siren precedes the ambulance’s arrival. David takes Janna outside; they open the doors and help her to lay on the stretcher inside. She winces as they touch her; at first she had looked affronted and embarrassed simultaneously, but now she is just scared. David slips in beside her; she clings to his hand and gives him a frightened, pleading glance, unable to do anything but lay still and wait.
Two paramedics sit in the back with them. One ministers to Janna, checking endless machines, wires, tubes; the other asks David question after question, many of which he can’t answer. He gladly sticks up for Janna wherever he can, though feeling slightly guilty about lying to the EMS.
They arrive at the hospital; David jumps out of the way as the paramedics wheel Janine into the ER and out of sight. One remains to get David to fill out some paperwork. He sits and fills it out, worry building in his chest. They tell him to stay in the waiting room until Janna comes out of God-knows-where; he takes a seat and taps his feet edgily on the floor, trying not to panic.
To distract himself, he thinks of any problems left unsolved and how he can fix them in this situation. Janna will want to see Nina right away, he thinks. Good thing he called the school; Nina’s teacher was, supposedly, watching her in the library until he could come get her. He could afford the taxi fare there and back…but it was already past three--how late would she have to stay? He was unfamiliar with hospitals…he didn’t like them much either….
He’d cover the bill…that wasn’t a problem. But it didn’t matter how much he gave the hospital; if something was seriously wrong with her, what could he do? What could anyone do?
Poor Janna…she was so sweet…and brave…and beautiful, in every way…she didn’t deserve this s**t…he swore to himself that he would do all he could to help her free herself from it all, help her find a better way to live….
Someone called his name; he looked up and saw a nurse bringing Janna out in a wheelchair. He came over and took her hand; she looked even more scared than before, and seemed ready to burst into tears at any moment. He had never seen her looking so frail and out of place. He couldn’t seem to find the right words; he just held her hand, let her squeeze it with both of hers, stayed with her as they took her to the elevator, to the sixth floor, to a small room down a long, sterile hallway with barely more than a chair, a bed, and several machines right out of the Star Wars movies.
David helped Janna carefully into the bed and covered her up; she grabbed his hand and squeezed the color out of it as the nurse inserted an IV, injected a few cc’s of morphine into the plastic tube, and left. Then she let go, rolled over, curled up beneath the blankets, and started to cry.
David lays beside her and holds her in his arms, unsure what to do; the medicine, no doubt, calms her down in minutes, lessening the storm of crying into a mere trickle.
“What’s wrong, Janna?” he whispers to her, pressing his cheek to hers. “It’s all right…what’s scaring you so much?”
“I don’t like hospitals,” she chokes, burying her face in his neck. Her forehead is still burning; even with the medicine, she can’t relax enough to sleep. “I hate them, don’t let them near me, David--”
“What’s the matter, Janna?” he demands. “What’s so bad about them…?”
She struggles to answer despite her lack of breath and dwindling energy. “I…I just keep thinking…that…that all these people…they’re going t-…to take my baby again….”
David understands in a sudden burst; Janna is having flashbacks from some abortion clinic in Virginia, the one where she lost her first child at the age of twelve. Now it all makes sense. He hugs her as tightly as he can without hurting her, gently stroking her hair.
“It’ll be fine, Janna…I won’t let anyone hurt you….”
The medicine is kicking in. Janna can’t help but drift off. David assures her hundreds of times that she’ll be all right, he won’t let anyone hurt her, he’s going to get Nina while Janna is sleeping, and they’ll all be all right…until finally, she is asleep.
David covers her up, kisses her softly, makes sure everything’s okay…then he slips out of the room and leaves the hospital, hailing a taxi as he walks onto the street.
~~~
Nina takes it all like the carbon copy of Janna that she is. David explains everything to her as she sits on his lap inside the taxi, trying to say it in a way that she will understand; he feels that he is severely underestimating her intelligence, and resigns to the fact that Janna will have to explain it better at a later time. Nina, though, does not press for details; she listens patiently to David’s information and reassurances, then ponders for a few minutes before asking, “Do you take taxis a lot, Mr. David?”
She has never been in one before, she explains, and she wants to know how they work. David, bewildered, explains; Nina is intrigued, and watches the meter in silence for the duration of the journey.
When they arrive at the hospital, Janna is still asleep; Nina, without a word, takes off her shoes and burrows under the covers next to Janna. She blinks at David, who sits at the foot of the bed and watches them; then she closes her eyes, and within minutes she, too, is asleep.
David watches over them, sitting awake for hours, waiting, thinking….
~~~
Sometimes when our lives are plummeting in an undesirable direction, when we are tormented by ceaseless misfortunes, we wonder: when will it end? When will all of this be done? Everything from poverty and disease to trepidation over a phone call to unrequited love causes what feels like endless stress in our lives; often combinations of many different misfortunes, many straight from our own heads, though that makes them no less severe….
When will it end? When will we be happy for good? We have gained a small bit of happiness; how long can we keep it? When is it over? Where is the happy ending?
David watches Janna and Nina, the two people he loves more than anything, as they sleep, and thinks these thoughts. After Janna is healed, what then? She will still be afraid. She will still be a prostitute. She will still be poor and stubborn. They will all still be living in a city they need to escape. Nothing will change….
Their love, David ponders, is unable to change much of anything. They are merely acting differently than usual toward each other. But it doesn’t change their lives much…just how they feel…it makes it more bearable, but it also makes it more painful…David feels a more powerful empathy than he ever has for Janna, and it hurts him to see her like this…surely life was easier before her.
But he wouldn’t give it up. He would never give it up.
No, David sighs to himself, no, it isn’t loving her that’s going to do her any good. It’s doing something about the mess they’re in BECAUSE he loves her. It’s the action; it’s the commitment. Because he loves her, he will try his utmost to help her; and if he does it, he will be able to love her without pain.
There is more than one kind of love, he realizes. As far as he knows, there are two. There is the kind of love where one person feels another’s pain, understands, shares the other person’s heart…and the kind of love where one person takes care of the other, does what needs to be done, sacrifices and works hard for the sake of the other’s happiness.
One heals. One gets things done.
David is going to need to balance both…so he can get them all out of this mess before they’re trapped for good.
~~~
Two nurses come in sometime in the very early morning and help Janna onto a stretcher; she wakes up and, once she figures out what they’re doing, starts to panic. David tries to calm her down; she makes him promise that he won’t let them kill her, promise that he’ll take care of Nina, promise that he won’t let anything bad happen….
He walks with them down to a room where patients wait for surgeons; he holds Janna’s hand as they slip the gas mask over her mouth, feels her sobbing and struggling as the anesthesia takes over. And then, quite suddenly, she is out cold. David is told to stay in her room while she is in surgery; he does so, and finds that Nina is awake.
She doesn’t say anything, even though she must have seen the entire episode minutes before. She doesn’t comment on her mother’s fear. She seems to understand.
David reassures her anyway. He sits beside her on the bed and holds her hand. “Don’t worry,” he says, “she’ll be okay. It’s not something so horrible that anything bad can happen to her. And I’ll take care of you until she’s better…it’ll be okay.”
Nina lets him say it, even though she doesn’t need it--or at least doesn’t appear to. Then she looks up at him and gives him a half-smile. “Okay,” she says. “I trust you, Mr. David.”
It’s not something he hears very often. He flushes. “Th-thanks,” he stammers. “I’ll…I’ll get us some breakfast.”
He calls in a nurse and asks her politely for some food; she returns with a generous breakfast, which they polish off together. Nina asks, mid-bacon, if they should save some for her mother; David assures her that Janna won’t be eating anything like bacon for a few days.
Janna returns after an hour or so; she is still asleep, and the nurse assures him that she will be for a while. They give David a report of the surgery: it went smoothly, they found some complicated sort of damage inside her and prescribed medicine that would help to heal it, which they gave her right then and there. They said that she’d only have to stay for two or three days, depending on how well the medicines work.
David is relieved. He thanks them…and then he remembers to ask a question.
“Can I schedule her a check-up while I’m here? Not a physical, a…what is it…for STDs and things?”
The nurse nods and brings him some papers; he fills them out, and schedules an appointment for both himself and Janna this week with a gynecologist/urologist. Nina watches with interest; David goes ahead and schedules her a physical as well, fairly sure that neither of the girls have health insurance.
Janna wakes at around noon; she’s still a bit incoherent, too heavily drugged to start to panic again. All she has the energy to do is hug Nina to her and have a soft, slurred conversation with David. She frowns as he tells her about their appointments, her eyes drifting to the ceiling.
“I haven’t been to a doctor since I was twelve,” she tells him. Her words come out in an odd way and feel blurred around the edges.
“Really?” he frowns. “What did you do for job applications and stuff?”
“Lied. They never check.”
“But…but how did you….” His gaze falls to Nina. “You have a KID, Janna!”
She nods. “I didn’t have Nina in a hospital…I was too scared, and I couldn’t pay for it.”
“But then, where--?”
“I know a guy.” She shrugged. “I paid him back later.”
He has a nasty feeling that he knows exactly how she paid him; he feels sick inside. “Never again,” he vows, “you could have died.”
“That’s what condoms are for,” she assures him, closing her eyes and burying her nose in Nina’s hair. “Nina, sweetie,” she adds in a murmur, “in a little while David’s going to take you back home, I want you to get both our toothbrushes and everything, okay? And bring your mama some clothes….”
Nina nods, napping happily in her mother’s arms. Janna kisses her and strokes her hair.
“We’ll be out of here soon, baby…everything will be fine.”
“I know, Mama,” Nina replies. “Mr. David said he’d take care of everything.”
Janna gives David a small, questioning look, then closes her eyes again. “I suppose that’s up to him, isn’t it?” she says sleepily, drifting off again.
“I will,” David assures her. “Just go back to sleep, okay, Janna? You’re going to be out of here soon….”
She nods, half-gone, and hugs Nina closer to her as she falls asleep. David hesitates; then he slips his shoes off and climbs in on her other side, wrapping his arms around her and Nina, kissing her softly before all three of them drift into a peaceful and comfortable slumber.
~~~
“Hey, lover boy,” Janna whispers as she shakes David awake.
“Huh?”
“Wake up!”
“I’m up, what is it?” he murmurs, turning to face her. She smiles at him.
“Let’s have sex, c’mon--”
“What? No!” he says sharply. “Are you insane?”
“I just want to make love, is that so bad?” She smiles sweetly at him, her fingers unfastening the zipper of his jeans.
“YES,” he says firmly. “Janna, you just got out of surgery! For heaven’s sake!”
Her hands slip through the waistband of his boxers. She pulls them easily down. “Come on, David,” she whispers, pressing her lips to his neck, “can’t you do this one thing for a poor, suffering hospital patient?”
He finds it very, very hard to resist her, but somehow, he does. “Janna,” he scolds her, “no. I will not.”
“Lover boy, please?” she begs him, all pretenses of seduction gone. “PLEASE?” She wraps her arms around him and clings to him, burying her face in his shirt. “I’m so scared of this place…I’m so scared…please, David…it’s all that’ll help….”
“Sex is what got you here in the first place,” he reminds her. “Why in the world do you want it now?”
Her shoulders shake, she starts to cry. “I don’t want to lay still anymore,” she says in a muffled, broken voice, “I don’t want to anymore, I can’t, I won’t--”
David remembers what Janna told him so long ago, when he asked her what she wanted the most: not to lay still. Now, he knows what she means.
“Nothing bad is going to happen to you anymore,” he assures her softly, kissing her hair. “I promise.”
“Please, David?” she asks him quietly, pressing her cheek against his shirt. “Please?”
“No hardcore lovemaking tonight,” he says gently. “But maybe some oral would work?”
“Ooh, sure!” she says eagerly, shoving his jeans away and slipping her hand between his thighs. He jumps in surprise, hastily grabbing her hands and holding them to his heart.
“Not me, Janna, I meant you,” he half-laughs. “C’mere--”
“Aww, that’s no fair,” she complains, “then I’ll still owe you--”
“You can pay me back later,” he plays along, untying her hospital gown and pushing it aside. She raises no more objections as his lips explore her neck, her breasts, her abdomen, the shaded mysteries between her thighs. He pleasures her until she is worn out; then he ties her hospital gown onto her again, slips on his pants, and kisses her goodnight.
“I love you,” she murmurs, her cheeks still pink from the flush. He smiles and holds her close.
“I love you too….”
~~~
Janna breathes a sigh of relief as she crosses her own threshold; the tension she’s held wound up in herself like a coiled spring for the past four days releases itself in the exhalation, leaving her listless and exhausted. Without a single word, she drops her paper bag of pills on the floor, stumbles over to the couch, and collapses on it. Nina follows her lead, curling up beside her mother in an act of wordless communication; Janna smiles for a moment and hugs Nina close to her, and they both fall asleep in minutes.
David doesn’t quite know what to do; he doesn’t really understand what goes on between the two of them. He finds the spare blanket and covers them with it; then he sits in their only kitchen chair, behind their small counter, and watches over them as they sleep.
He is thinking hard…thinking about what he has decided, and what he needs to do. When he will do it, and how. He has a lot to think about; his stomach flutters and his body tingles with nerves.
When he can’t stand the silence anymore, he slips out of the apartment and takes a small walk. He ends up outside a deli; he decides to buy them all some lunch and take it back.
He returns; Nina is awake and gets up to eat, and Janna stirs at her absence and sits up. David hands her a container of soup, and she drinks it as they eat on either side of her.
None of them meet the other’s eyes as they eat; Nina glances at Janna, David watches them both, and Janna avoids everyone’s gazes. And David knows, instinctively, that they are all thinking the same thing….
Was everything just going to go back to normal? Would this tense dissatisfaction they were all feeling ever go away? How could they break free of this lethal pattern? What would they do next? What COULD they do?
Now what?
David wonders if he is the one who has the answer.
~~~
All three doctor’s appointments are scheduled on the same day. The first is Nina’s in the pediatric ward; David cannot remember going to these himself, so it is all very new to him. He helps Janna answer questions and supports her lies; Nina is measured, checked, and to their relief, found perfectly healthy.
The doctor suggests that she get several shots, five or six in all; David arranges for most of them to be given to her immediately. Nina watches with detached interest as the needles poke into her skin; her mother holds her hand, but there is no need. And then he pays, Nina receives a yellow sucker, and they’re done.
They sojourn to a different part of the hospital, where they wait in an icy waiting room until someone calls Janna’s name. Then all three of them venture forth, following a nurse into a room with a paper-covered bed, a chair, and a desk.
The doctor looks at a paper and asks Janna a few basic questions; then he measures her height, weight, and eyesight. After that, they return to the room, where the doctor asks Janna if it’s okay if David and Nina stay for the next part.
Her answer is not what David was expecting. “No,” she says simply, then gives David a look. “David, Nina.”
That’s all she has to say. David nods and takes Nina’s hand, leading her out. He sits against the wall, hoping no one reprimands them; Nina seats herself in his lap and licks quietly at her sucker, seeming completely unperturbed. He tries to listen, to catch a glimpse of what is going on, but all he can hear is the low drone of the doctor’s voice from time to time.
Finally, after an eternity, Janna emerges. David can tell from the look on her face that she didn’t enjoy the appointment at all.
“Are you okay?” he asks her softly, holding her in his arms. She shakes her head. “What’s wrong?” he says. “Do you have any…?”
She nods, then holds up two fingers. “Two,” she says quietly.
“Oh.” He blinks, fighting the shock. “Which…?”
She shrugs. “I forget….”
“It’ll be okay,” he tells her, “it’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
Janna frowns unhappily and flops down, sitting beside Nina, who immediately hugs her and slides into her lap. The doctor gestures for David to enter; he catches a last glimpse of Janna hugging and kissing Nina like one of them was about to be dragged off to the gallows before the door closes.
The first thing he does is ask the doctor about Janna. The doctor thinks for a moment.
“And she’s your…?”
“Girlfriend,” he says firmly.
The doctor nods. “Well, I inspected her and found two different STDs present,” he explained. “Nothing serious,” he said quickly, with a reassuring smile. “I’ll spare you the complicated names. One is a bacteria that probably contributed to her hospitalization the other day, and the other is a lesser form of herpes. It’s nothing certain medication can’t heal over time, but until then, I suggest the two of you use a condom every time…now, as for you, David--”
“Yes, sir?” he says politely, sitting down on the bed.
“Let me ask you, how often do you and your girlfriend have sex?”
David flushes. “Maybe once or twice a day, sir….”
He nods. “And are you the only person she has sex with?”
He freezes; what did Janna tell him? Does he know? Finally, he settles on a neutral answer: “It’s an open relationship.”
He nods. “I see. And do you have sex with anyone else?”
“No, sir.”
“With or without a condom?”
“Lately…without.”
“I see. Well, then, I’m going to need to check you out, here….”
The doctor takes David outside to measure his height, weight, eyesight, then takes him back into the room to check hearing, pulse, breathing, et cetera. Then he tells David to drop his pants and inspects him with a meticulous thoroughness that makes David blush.
Finally, David is allowed to get dressed again. The doctor tosses his rubber gloves into a trash can.
“Well, David, you’re perfectly fine,” he says cheerfully. “Nothing wrong with you at all. Now, excuse me, but you’re the one paying for all of this, right?”
“Yes, sir,” David says uneasily.
The doctor nods, handing him some papers. “Well, in that case, these--” he points-- “are the medications you’ll need to pick up from the pharmacy, and right here I’ve written the date of Janine’s next appointment, a week from now. By then, all the infections should be very close to healed up.”
David nods in agreement and fills out the papers, acutely relieved; maybe this will turn out okay after all. Then the doctor says he’s free to go, and he dashes outside and retrieves Janna and Nina, walking with them back to the elevators.
“So?” Janna says quietly, looking pensive.
“I’m fine,” David assures her. “And we can…you know, still.”
Janna nods.
“And you’ll be fine, too,” he says softly. “You have another appointment in a week, it should all be gone by then….”
“He didn’t say how long I’ve had it,” she murmurs.
“Does it matter?” he asks.
She doesn’t reply. “It’s a miracle you don’t have it too…isn’t it contagious?”
“I don’t know,” David demurs. “But what do you say we get some ice cream, to celebrate?”
“Celebrate?” she repeats, a little too sharply.
“Yes,” he says firmly, “because in a week, all of us will be perfectly fine again.”
“Again,” she says flatly, frowning at the ground. “Again.”
“Yes, again,” he assures her, but he knows what she means. He wishes dearly that she would stop thinking things like that…once upon a time, she must have been happy….
Nina, sensing the tension, speaks up, tugging on her mother’s hand. “I want some ice cream!” she says excitedly.
“Nina, that’s rude,” Janna says severely.
“Please?” Nina amends, and David has to smile.
“Sure, we’ll all go. There’s a place not too far from here….”
He takes Nina’s other hand and walks them down the crowded sidewalk. People smile at him as he goes past; probably thinking he’s with his wife and daughter. How little they know…but it makes David start to think again. Every time he ponders, he becomes more sure of himself….
He buys them ice cream cones in one of his favorite parlors, watching contentedly as he licks at his cone as Nina devours hers in a messy smear of chocolate and sprinkles. Janna doesn’t eat much of hers; she just bites politely at it until Nina has finished hers, then gives it to her daughter. David, worried, insists on walking them home, Nina bouncing along and clinging to his hand, Janna keeping pace behind them in silence.
They arrive at the apartment; Nina makes David play games with her until way past her bedtime while Janna naps on the couch. After Nina finally passes out, and David tucks her in on the carpet, he looks over at Janna and finds that she has not been asleep after all.
“Are you feeling okay?” he asks her softly, reaching out and taking her hand. She gives it a small squeeze, but looks away. She sighs, then sits up.
“Nina needs to sleep on the couch, can you move her for me? No heavy lifting…doctor’s orders.”
David nods and gently scoops Nina up, laying her on the couch. Her sleep is undisturbed. Janna tucks her gently, meticulously in, as if distracted by some hard thinking.
“What’s wrong, Janna?” David asks her softly.
Janna finishes tucking Nina in without a word; then she sits on the floor, leans back on the couch, and sighs. “Nothing,” she says weakly, “I’ve just been thinking, is all.”
“Thinking about what?” David sits across from her, leaning forward, intent upon solving her dilemma.
She plays with a thread on the rug, avoiding his eyes. “Just…stuff….”
“Janna, just tell me if you can,” he says quietly, “I really want to help.”
“I know,” she murmurs.
There is silence for awhile. David senses that she wants to speak, and lets her pick out the words, one by one.
“I’m just thinking…about being…sick,” she completes, blushing. “I don’t know how long I’ve had them….”
“Is that very important?” David inquires. “They’ll be gone soon….”
“Yes, it is,” she says harshly--a little too harshly, David guesses, for her next words are much softer. “What if I’ve had things like this for years and years? What if one of them had spread to Nina? What if the next one is worse, and I…and I die…? And what if YOU had gotten it?” She holds her head in her hands, distressed. “I never even thought about this before….”
“Janna, it’s okay,” David says soothingly, taking her hand gently in his. “If we’re careful, this won’t happen again….”
She raises her head and gives him a quizzical look. “I mean,” he continues, “I’m okay, and you’ll be okay pretty soon, so if we’re careful--”
“I’m not going to get them from you,” she says flatly. “Stop being stupid.”
He bites his lip. Squeezes her hand. “Janna, honey…I…I don’t want you to go back to your job.”
She scowls. “Okay, well, that’s what you want….”
“You can’t possibly want to either,” he says, playing absently with her fingers. “I know you don’t.”
“What choice do I have?” she snaps.
He thinks about his reply for a little while, wondering how he should put it. “Janna…” he finally asks, “do you think, maybe…that…I could be…your ONLY customer?”
She blinks; frowns. “My only customer? You’ll pay me every day to sleep with you?”
David flushes a bit. “Well, you don’t have to sleep with me….” Though it would be nice.
Janna sighs and shakes her head. “Lover boy, I can’t make you pay,” she says softly. “It wouldn’t be fair…I like it more than you do.” Now she is flushing too. “And anyway…” she murmurs, flushing harder, “I get…I get a lot more when there’s…more people involved. And it helps….”
David feels something unpleasant twist inside him; so that’s what she was doing. He paid her enough for an entire day but stayed for only a couple of hours; if she whored herself out the rest of the time, she could have made a surplus. Thinking about it made him a little more angry than he wanted to be.
“So this is all just about money?” he says, a bit too sharply.
She raises an eyebrow. “When is it ever not about money?”
“Janna, if you need money, then for heaven’s sake, I--”
“I’m not taking your money.”
“I want you to,” he insists, “so you can stop putting yourself in these positions--”
“It’s none of your business, David,” she snaps, “and I’m not taking anything from you, now or ever--”
“Damn it, Janna!” he explodes. “Why the hell not? Do you want to be a whore forever?”
As soon as it comes out, he realizes his mistake. He wants to take it back, but there is already hurt in her eyes.
She rises to her feet, walking into her kitchenette with the air of someone who doesn’t know what to do with themselves. “It’s my job,” she says simply, her voice sounding strange. “If you don’t like it, you can leave. No one is making you stay.”
She avoids his eyes as she fumbles through a drawer. Then she pauses, closes her eyes, like she is trying not to cry. He stands, feeling as if something has gone horribly wrong.
“Janna…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she says quietly. “It’s the truth.”
“You’re not a whore,” he insists. “You’re not…and you…you don’t have to be a prostitute either.”
“It’s my job,” she murmurs, staring at her hands, clenched on the countertop. “It’s what I do.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I need money.”
“Janna…love….” He swallows hard. “I…. Listen, I’ve had my job for a long time…and it pays really well, believe it or not. But I don’t really use money often…just rent and food mostly…so I…I was saving it all for the longest time….” He walks over to her, takes her hands. “Janna, you can see for yourself anytime, I have plenty…for both of us.”
“I won’t take your money,” she insists, her voice trembling. “Spend it on some other woman….”
“There is no one I’d rather be with,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I love you, Janna. I want to be with you forever…and I want you to be around forever. I have no problem with whatever you do, or are, unless it hurts you…and this is hurting you….”
“Well, I can’t find another job as easily,” she murmurs. “This is the best I can do….”
“Maybe it’s time you stopped worrying about money,” he says.
She blinks. “Is there ever a time for that?”
He hugs her more tightly, begging his courage not to fail. “What I mean is…like I said, I have enough money…do you think that, maybe, it’s time that what’s mine is yours? Everything….”
Janna says nothing; she feels tense, and her breaths are small and sharp. David swallows hard; he softly touches her cheek and lifts her wide, disbelieving eyes to his.
“What I’m trying to say,” he says slowly, “is…I want you to marry me, Janna.”
There is a moment of unbearable pressure, in which she stares at him, and he waits; and then, very suddenly, as if she can no longer bear it, Janna throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. His body feels suddenly light, weightless.
But then she breaks away, and the look on her face brings him painfully back to earth.
“I don’t know,” she whispers, “I just don’t know….”
David’s insides twist painfully as he sees the tears in her eyes.
Now what…?
Did he ever really have the answer?
~~~
David returns to work that night, thoroughly in the mood to get lost in a piano song and down a drink or two. He is late, and rusty from his week off, but his boss says nothing.
Slowly, the customers trickle in. The regulars crowd around the piano as David practices and demand to know where he’s been.
“My girlfriend was in the hospital,” he tells them glumly. “But she’s all right now.”
They give their condolences and suggest their songs; David plays them one by one, hoping no one will notice if he skips Piano Man. He is offered a shot of tequila; he takes it, and another, grateful for the mindless oblivion it brings.
But it’s not enough to make him forget. By the end of the night, no one will let him go until he plays Piano Man for them; he does so, and feels the pangs of nostalgia and remorse as he remembers the last time he played the song. What an idiot he was…is….
He walks home at 3 in the morning, his eyesight blurred a bit, his mind drowning in misery, singing under his breath.
“Sing us a song, you’re the piano man,
You just ******** up the best thing in your life
Now there’s nothing but you and your piano
And there’s no one to be your ********!” he shouts suddenly, the pressure exploding inside of him, kicking hard at a trash can. “******** tries to fight back the tears, but they come anyway. His heart is broken. His head aches. His stomach throbs. He is all alone.
His foot hurts. He goes home and sleeps.
~~~
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:44 pm
Wow, that was totally unexpected but it makes me wonder how she'll treat her so called "job" now. I mean that was the closest thing to a rape you'd ever get. I personally call it a rape just because of its manner. Hmm she still seems very closed up even tho she is dating David....
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:10 pm
I feel for her. She doesn't want to be dependent...she doesn't know how to change herself that much. I dunno if I can write this next part.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:30 pm
KirbyVictorious I feel for her. She doesn't want to be dependent...she doesn't know how to change herself that much. I dunno if I can write this next part. I get what your sayin by dependancy.... but dunno if you can write it??.... you mean its that bad? I mean c'mon..... what're you gunna do? o.o
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:26 pm
Because I don't agree with what she'll do.
But my mood changes. We'll see.....
Poor Janna.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:51 am
I'm actually a bit surprised she wasn't a little more worried about Nina being in the hospital too since she was like afraid they might take her away. hmmm, I am a bit worried as to what the doctors will say for her check-up... that might take a turn for the worst and really...since she was 12....thats like ...I don't even know how long ago that was. Its way overdue tho...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:53 am
Well, David promised her that he'd take care of them, and anyway it was better than Nina being alone, and the check up is next, and she's never had one before. Chill about Nina tho.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:57 am
KirbyVictorious Well, David promised her that he'd take care of them, and anyway it was better than Nina being alone, and the check up is next, and she's never had one before. Chill about Nina tho. Well yeh, thats quite obvious hes gunna be the man here and take care of all of them and make sure nothing happens course I was half expecting that psychologically Janna would freak a little about Nina being there since one of her main fears is of being in the hospital. I was wondering tho you mentioned that she was afraid of the hospital itself but I was wondering if shes afraid of Nina being there or herself being there...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:02 am
She's afraid of what people will do to her. And yeah, she's fiercely protective of Nina in there, but she also is resigned to the fact that she has to trust David for this...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:04 am
Mkay that pretty much answered all the questions I have thought of. But yeh still worried about the check-up being as tho that she hasn't gotten one in a long time..
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:07 am
well, she's not dead yet *shrug* but yesh. suspense! !!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:29 pm
KirbyVictorious well, she's not dead yet *shrug* but yesh. suspense! !!!!!! "yet"....this is foreboding... eek
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:43 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
