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 Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 4:45 pm
Congratulations to all of the new officers! ^_^
As for the description, I thought it sounded great! (And made me proud to be a Ravenlcaw, lol). I did play with it a bit, though, but feel free to ignore some (or all) of my suggestions.
- I would change the second sentence of the 2nd paragraph to be "Floor-to-ceiling arched windows are curtained with dark blue and bronze silk, which show a..."
- I would change "beautiful view" to "sweeping view" since beautiful has already been used to describe the room.
- I would change "with a night sky with thousands of stars" to maybe "The domed ceiling is painted to depict a night sky with thousands of stars."
- Isn't the carpet in the common room starry too? If so, I might change the last bit to "tread onto the starry midnight-blue carpet".
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 8:44 pm
You walk up the winding stairs and reach a wooden door with no door knob and a brass eagle knocker. You knock on it, and it asks you "What came first? The Phoenix or the Flame?" you then answer the question and it swings open.
You enter a beautiful wide, circular room. Floor-to-ceiling windows, curtained with dark blue and bronze silk, show a sweeping view of the surrounding mountains. The domed ceiling is painted to depict a night sky with thousands of stars. There is a large fireplace with a blue fire crackling in it. Study tables are placed around the common room, and large comfy sofas and chairs are centered around the fireplace. Large book cases tower against the walls, filled with thousands of reading possibilities. A large white marble statue of the House's founder, Rowena Ravenclaw, is also placed in the common room. Her diadem reads, "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure."
As you tread onto the starry midnight-blue carpet, you realize that you have truly entered the Ravenclaw common room.
--
Very nice changes, stargazer. The only alteration of yours which I altered further was the first one..."Floor-to-ceiling arched windows are curtained with dark blue and bronze silk, which show a sweeping view of the surrounding mountains" can be misread to seem as though the curtains are showing this view, not the windows.
Anyone else? It is quite good, but there's still room for improvement.
Would anyone like to write in the presence of a prefect to guide this first year in for the first time? If not, I'll do it.
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 1:32 am
[[Ok, not very good at this, but I'll give it a go. Personally, I'm not terribly fond of the wording of the middle bit. Is this any better: (also, the word large is used a few times, so I got rid of a couple.)]]
Blue fire crackles in a fireplace to your right, with large comfy sofas and chairs centered around it. Students mill around, studying and talking at the tables scattered about. Book cases (seem to?) tower above you, filled with thousands of reading possibilities.
[[For that first sentence, does "Large comfy sofas and chairs are centered around the blue fire crackling in the fireplace to your right." sound better? (or some variation thereof)]]
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 8:58 am
You walk up the winding stairs and reach a wooden door with a brass eagle knocker but no door knob. You knock on it, and it asks you, "Which came first: The phoenix or the flame?" You then answer the question and it swings open.
You enter a beautiful wide, circular room. Floor-to-ceiling windows, curtained with dark blue and bronze silk, show a sweeping view of the surrounding mountains. The domed ceiling is painted to depict a night sky with thousands of stars. Blue fire crackles in a fireplace to your right, with large comfy sofas and chairs centered around it. Students mill around, studying and talking at the tables scattered about. Book cases tower above you, filled with thousands of reading possibilities. A large white marble statue of the House's founder, Rowena Ravenclaw, is also placed in the common room. Her diadem reads, "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure."
As you tread onto the starry midnight-blue carpet, you realize that you have truly entered the Ravenclaw common room.
--
Good changes - they do make that section flow better than before.
Another thing to look at: a beautiful wide, circular room.
The way the wording and punctuation are set there makes 'beautiful' appear to be modifying 'wide'...as in the wide is somehow beautiful rather than ugly. That's a bit difficult to do as, last I checked, wide is not a noun. So, do we want to make it "a beautiful, wide, circular room", or do we want to eliminate a descriptive word so that we have a more managable double adjective rather than triple?
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 7:33 pm
Hmm. I think I'd go with elimination. Perhaps "a beautiful circular room" would be enough.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:26 pm
I think I agree.
[[@ -stargazer lilies- Do you prefer to be called Emilyanne only when RPing, and then something else when not? Or do you prefer to be called Emilyanne all the time?]]
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:04 pm
((@ lyra: It really doesn't matter to me. Emilyanne is my name irl, so using that all of the time is fine. But I'm perfectly happy with stargazer or whatever else would get my attention, especially since I can't remember everyone's RP names all of the time in the other forums. lol))
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Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 5:26 pm
[[So will all these edits be enough plus the added prefect description?]]
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Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:26 am
You walk up the winding stairs with the other first years and reach a wooden door with a brass eagle knocker but no door knob. The prefect leading you knocks on it, and it speaks.
"Which came first: The phoenix or the flame?"
The question surprises you. Didn't common rooms use passwords?
The prefect answers in a convoluted sentence that had something to do with circles and time, but the door knocker seems to have understood, for it nods and the door opens.
You enter a beautiful circular room. Floor-to-ceiling windows, curtained with dark blue and bronze silk, show a sweeping view of the surrounding mountains. The domed ceiling is painted to depict a night sky with thousands of stars. Blue fire crackles in a fireplace to your right, with large comfy sofas and chairs centered around it. Students mill around, reading and talking at the tables scattered about. Book cases tower above you, filled with thousands of reading possibilities. A large white marble statue of the House's founder, Rowena Ravenclaw, is also placed in the common room. When you look up close, you see that her diadem reads, "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure."
As you tread onto the starry midnight-blue carpet, you realize that you have truly entered the Ravenclaw common room.
--
Experimented a little with some more details to make it seem more like the first night in the room, and added our prefect.
Is this good? Anyone need to add anything?
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Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:23 pm
I like the touch about the confusing with the knocker and the students reading and milling around.
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Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:32 pm
Same. I like what you've added with the prefect and the knocker (and the other changes too). Perhaps it should be "Don't common rooms use passwords?" instead of "Didn't"? I'm really not sure which one it should be... sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:53 am
HEY HOW CAN BE A RAVENCLAW? crying crying
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:21 am
Blue:
To be a Ravenclaw, you have to qualify for the sorting hat test first.
And after you take it, you might be in Ravenclaw.
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:24 am
Lyra:
I think both 'Don't' and 'Didn't' would work in this case, as neither one sounds really wrong.
However...Don't does sound better.
I'll change that, and then put this up on our front page.
If we need to make any more adjustments we can still do so.
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