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Summary of My Year on the Computer


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise..

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I have quit my job because one of the checks from the foreign lotteries
that I?™ve somehow won OR my percentage of the secret bank account of the
Zimbabwe contractor, ambassador, accountant, etc. who died in a
untimely airplane crash leaving no heirs is sure to arrive any day.

If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next
12 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:23 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 72 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their email with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

I FEEL BETTER NOW.