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Sir Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off]
Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: ...You're a loony.

Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?

Sir Lancelot: [Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take
[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]
Sir Lancelot: Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Prince Herbert: You got my note!
Sir Lancelot: Uh, well, I got a note.
Prince Herbert: You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who
[Music swells]
King of Swamp Castle: Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
[Music stops]
King of Swamp Castle: Who are you?
Prince Herbert: I'm your son!
King of Swamp Castle: No, not you!
Sir Lancelot: I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince Herbert: He's come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
King of Swamp Castle: Did you kill all those guards?
Sir Lancelot: Um... oh, yes! Sorry.
King of Swamp Castle: They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot: Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
King of Swamp Castle: Well, I can understand that.

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