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It was a compliment.

emotion_kirakira

You keep going. It's all you can do. Grieve for a little, and then keep going. They wouldn't have wanted you to give up, right?
Besides, suicide is silly. If you're depressed because someone you cared for is gone, then how is your death going to affect those who care about you?

I just figured out i'm a sicko; you know the general sort of person I'm referring to.

I'm just going to use the phrase "my problem" in the place of what it actually is, so that this stays an anonymous confession. I guess this is an interesting story if you'd like to know what the crazy people are thinking when they do the s**t they do.

it's a sexual thing, and no I'm not going to rape anyone xd

THE PLOT:

so pretty much as long as I can remember taking an interest in others I've had this problem, thus I guess its something from my earlier childhood, or perhaps just how I am. Now in my childhood I would often have dreams that were filled with bloodshed and general violence, it was something that very much terrified me, and on the rare occasion it happens now, it still scares me just the same. fortunately the subject matter of these dreams has no relationship to my problem, but all the same i'd imagine it was idicative of mental issues to come. I had never had any luck with relationships, heavily because of this, and the first person i had ever told this too was my best friend in highschool. now while i didnt realize exactly how bad my situation was at the time, I figured i might be met with some resentment, or perhaps just a "that's gross" and never discuss it again.
He ended up laughing it off, told me I was worried for nothing, and that it was no big deal, and that his problems were far worse. Seeing the problems that he thought were "far worse" I realized he had not picked up on what i was explaining. To his defense, I did a poor job explaining it, something I am eternally greatful for. Either way, i go to school the next day to find him, with all of our other friends, huddled around the computer screen, sure enough, laughing at me about the whole ordeal. now everyone else knew the same bit I told him. I left at first, but joined up with our group the same day, i didnt want anyone to think that they had an in to tease me, make fun of me, etc.
Almost five years later we are still friends, amazingly enough he has never apologized or realized that it even warented apology XD, but it's really the only hurdle we've faced. However, my false sense of comfort bade me to bring it up casually to one of my more recent friends, and she grasped what i was talking about a little bit better, and has since then regarded me at more of a distance. I've brought it up with yet another friend, and I got an "everyone's entitled to their own opinion" with a sickened grimace delivering the line, while still turning to a very activity based friendship, no longer looking to me for help or advice.
I was starting to realize that there was a problem, though i didnt realize how significant; until my current partner brought up the matter in duress and explained they were feeling steadily more and more disgusted with it.
while the two are unrelated in a way, my morbid dreams have been resurfacing as of late, and i fear I'm going to return to a point where I'm affraid to fall asleep. This all indicates to me I need to take some sort of action against this.



Actual question goes here:

I've tried forcing myself to resist it, I've tried to change it, reduce it, and mitigate this obsession as best as I can, but even after months of attempting to do these things nothing has worked. I don't want to be someone that people are disgusted by, and I don't want to hurt other people I may meet.
The obvious answer is to never bring it up, and I can say that i have learned my lesson about talking to others about it. But if i'm in a relationship with someone before long they are going to figure it out.
Question being, Should i actually try to seek professional help for this?
I'm not endangering lives, so I don't feel an obligation to, but at the same time, i think i run a risk of being instatutionalized for a time.

Assume you discovered one of your personal friends was disturbed in a manner that wasn't physically harmful to others; what would you recommend?

sorry this is so long, but it's kinda a life long thing XD

Hey, 206. I'm right there with you, broski.