| Having Fun Yet? |
| More than ever! |
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55% |
[ 169 ] |
| We moved? |
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14% |
[ 44 ] |
| Not yet |
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29% |
[ 90 ] |
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| Total Votes : 303 |
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 Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:50 pm
{ok ok i get think it get now i was confused for a mintue there }
"louie says thank you" to the man or vampire in front of him
"louie says can i ask you something"
whats your name ?
{hopefull this right }
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:53 pm
[It's an improvement, however 'louie says' doesn't need to be within the " marks themselves. Write Louie says "Thank You." and we're right on the money. Also, fluency would be good, but take your time easing it in. No point forcing things you find hard to use at the moment.]
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:53 pm
louies eyes him "louie kinda stamerd is S-sshe really a princess"?
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:55 pm
((That is an improvement but leave 'Louie says' outside of the "". Other than that you are gettignt he hang of it. Oh and Vergil, I wish I could have put it that simply fromt he beginning. Propably woudl have gotten this sorted if I did.))
Shadow stopped for a moment, not turning round to look at Louie. "My name is Shadow, I am head of security here at the manor. The dinnign room holds everything you will need if you are hungry. Just follow your nose. And no she is not a real princess she is my daughter." Shadow said as he headed for the stairs once more.
((edit.))
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:56 pm
louie "ask how old is she ?"
{ ok thanks}{better hopefully}
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:59 pm
louie "says youe name is shadow nice to meet you shadow "
louie "says thanks ill do just that hopefully i dont get lost while doing that "
{better }?
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:00 pm
[I wish I had intervened, would have saved you some hassle. I used to work with people who had difficulty in my old school, helped them out while I did my work and made it easier for them. I guess I just got used to it. Sorry for the trouble I coulda averted. Also, the 'ask' part should be outside it too. so Louie asks "how old is she?" would be the way to go. Anything describing how he talks is outside, whereas what he actually says is inside.]
Knight begins to approach the door, finally finding the end of the trail. He poked his head around the corner to see what was going on before entering the room himself. He appeared to be a hazel furred wolf, except singed and burned, and his eyes appeared somewhat humanoid from a closer range. He approached Louie and sniffed, scenting the newcomer to his memory.
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:03 pm
Shadow stopped at the top of the stairs "You won't get lost as long as you follow your nose and don't get any ideas about my daughter." Shadow said with a fairluy unfriendly smile before heading down the stairs and along to the dinnig room.
((I'll leave this too you then Vergil, I think you are much better suited too this than I am.))
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:05 pm
louie look down " so who are you i know that thats not your real form i wasnt born yesterday lycan "
louie ask " whats your name ? im louie dupounte im a vampire "
louie says "you can come in if you want im just unpacking "
(edit)
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:08 pm
louie saw the burn" does that hurt ? you were caught out in sun wherent you ?"
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:10 pm
[Yeah, that's definately getting better. The next thing that would be best to add would be actions in the middle, rather than straight lines of text. Start simple, such as walking around a room, or picking up an object. The speech style is right though, with the " marks in the correct place.]
Knight sniffed again and moved slightly into the room. He wasn't able to talk in this form, and neither could he change back until he had healed up. Clearly, this imposed a great deal on his communicational skills. Knight let out a playful, but pained and quiet bark in reply, and twitched his tail before realising the pain would be more than it would be worth to wag it.
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:12 pm
louie turns around and start digiing for some thing "AHHA i found it "
louie say "here i have this i have to left it some type of medicen that heals burns quickly althought it hurts like hell but you fell better after wards "
louies says" do you want to try it ?"
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:15 pm
When Shadow reached the dinning room he took his seat and let out a heavy sigh. Nothing was going right just now with Nadea being blinded the wanderign spirit of Aurora's brother, who Shadow hopped had left for good, and the cultist he was expeting. Shadow owed favours to some people that he suspected might be comming to call on them. Shadow called out for a glass of blood as he lit another cig.
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:16 pm
louie slowly walks to him and opens the bottle " ok this will hurt ok just a waring i dont want you to bit me "
louie pours some onto his hand"ok ready here we go and put its on "
louie looks and says "there you go hopefully this well heal you quickly "
(edit)
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:20 pm
louie back up "you know i was half dead once when they found me and they used this stuff on me and it healed me instandly iwent from all most dead to full healed so hopefull it works the same on you "
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