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Bearer of charcoal silver flashed hair, Trade, a slender young man enters the room.

Comma between man and enters.

Now, this sounds like an introductory post, so I can see where the abundance of character description comes from; the thread-creator may have told you specifically to give a description of your character in the first post.

But there's a difference between whacking us over the head with a chrome-plated-but-pretty-much-flat intro to a character and slipping some appearance details into character actions and thoughts that then give us some idea of who the character is--which is more important than what they look like ^^.

So, 'bearer of charcoal silver flashed hair' is not only convoluted and a little confusing--it's unnecessary and, to me, garners more of an eye-rolling grin than true interest in the character or the post ^^.

And what kind of room is this?

Quite below his ruffled hair are those particularly distinguishing crystal translucent deep ocean eyes, full of despair and anxiety.

I'm guessing that first word must be quiet--I'm not sure.

And this description is something like what I'd write if I was doing an Amazingly-Beautiful-Character parady XD. I mean, 'crystal translucent deep ocean'? How about you pick one adjective? (And I would strongly recommend something along the lines of 'blue' XD). And what does 'particularly distinguishing' even mean? That bit can kick the bucket too ^^. And finally, 'full of despair and anxiety' is piling it on a bit. For one, if he is all despairing and such, it'd be better to show us that instead of just tell it. For two, I don't really think that eyes can even have a property like 'full of despair and anxiety'; they can express it, but at some point they're going to express other things too, so it's not a permanent quality--and therefore not one that fits in well here ^^. For three, 'full of despair and anxiety' is just a melodramatic phrase all by itself XD.

Rather than playing the role of hero, his pessimistic remarks often give him a perplexing and perpetually melancholic expression which is nothing hard to admit when gazing into the seemingly emptiness of his pupils, as well as the depth and scope of his conversations.


Although a foolish man would consider this arrogance, Trade gives the impression that he hails from a higher plane of existene. His once piercing eyes, have gone gloom and rusty, as well as his swordfighting skills, though nothing to take at ease with.

I would take this bit by bit--some of the grammar is screwed up, for one--but it doesn't really belong here in the first place. You're telling us what he's like instead of showing us--which is very, very baaaddd. For one, it's not nearly as interesting as showing. I would also argue that since we learn what people are like more through what they show us than what they tell us, using the 'show' method gives a more realistic feel to your writing.

Leaving a small trace of relief, he checks if his proof of being a warrior is still beside him, waiting impatiently and growing stale with that tint of blood at the smudged rough tip of his sole friend, but his defense can sometimes be an offense as sarcasm is portrayed in his witty answers

Period at the end, boy. The last phrase (but his...) is another 'telling' bit that needs to be blasted away.

Now, we have some semblance of action here. However, it's so grammatically screwy and wordy that the meaning is not immediately apparant--often a bad thing in prose.

You don't 'leave' a small trace of relief. The word 'sword' is absent from that paragraph, which in my opinion it should be for clarity reasons--plus 'proof of being a warrior' and 'sole friend' are a bit melodramatic in and of themselves. And why is there blood on his sword? That makes them rust. And why is it dull? Not the signs of a superior swordsman to me--which the other wordage I bashed strongly implied.

On the other side of things, a guy running around with no clue of how to use or care for a sword but doing his best to bluff it anyway could be an interesting aspect of a full character.

I would recommend compressing all of that into a brief mention of him checking his sword and add on other stuff--what he's thinking, doing, seeing--instead.

Finally, we must indicate that he volunteers no information whatsoever about his past other than his name, everything about him, including wether he even has any memory of his past, is sadly unknown as much as to you as to him... he has, evidently, no intention of looking back on such a past as his own.

Why must you use 'we'? That can be a valid style choice in some cases, but here it only adds to the wordy feeling of the whole passage.

Comma after name should be a semicolon. Whether. 'Unknown to him as much as it is to you' would sound better. Capitalize that he after 'him...'.

But that actually doesn't matter much as you are here again telling rather than showing. Couldn't you show him being terse in a mini-interaction between him and a character trying to start a conversation instead? And that's only one possibility. The fact that he doesn't remember his past (aside from being cliche) is yet another thing that could be shown rather than told down the line.

And we're this far into the post and I still don't have any feel for what this 'room' he's in is like. You may just be relying on someone else who already described it, but a choice detail or two usually helps give the scene a more concrete sense of reality.

To conclude, we can notice that his usual get-up is rather poverish and cheap. yet leaves an artist at gasp when set under the right time of the day. Nothing but a poncho-like wool rag, complimented with a sort of sprouting collar, can easily be mistaken for an over-grown cape. As for footwear, Buckle metal shoes, with latches that spread in pairs towards the one side to the other. Peculiar look for a wanderer, or is it?

Poverish? That may well be a word; I'm too tired to get the dictionary right now ><. Make sure it's not just repeating 'cheap', though. The period after cheap should be a comma.

Why must you 'conclude'? Makes it sound like an essay. Why must you use 'we'? 'At gasp'? Bad wording. I don't get what the time of day has to do with the artists opinions, or why at any point they might gasp at the sight of really cheap clothing.

"Nothing..." is not a sentence. How about "His clothing is nothing... collar, which can..."? The next bit isn't a sentence either--there's no 'is/are' in there, nor any other verb. Sentences are good, by the way.

I'm not sure why that finishes with 'or is it' as opposed to 'isn't it', but perhaps that's explainable in rp.


Whew. Okay, end. That went faster than it might've, but I'm still wiped out now XD.

Hello, I'm Alexi Draguer and I would like to kindly request an overview of my roleplaying thread, "GALO". You see, a good member (which is one of the very few members) of the thread suggested I post the thread's link in this thread for evaluatation. Now the problem is this: We need more members, but none seem interested in joining the roleplay. I myself am a proper grammar and spelling fanatic, but ever since I've been so busy in the last year, I tend to overlook things almost all of the time, the aforementioned without exaggeration. I think a good overview from someone who isn't as burdened as me (I hope you aren't as burdened as me, that is!) would do good for the thread, and possibly increase traffic and membership!

The link is right here: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=1491111

I do not mind any level of criticism, I myself used to be a constructive spelling and grammar judge, and also a reading comprehension judge. So don't think I'll have my feelings hurt in anyway.

Now this might not matter, but if you find severe issues with the thread, I'd like to supply a reason. Feel free to read on if you wish. smile

As of creating the thread, I was extremly busy, and wished to relieve my mind with some relaxing roleplay. Now previously an acquaintance and I opened a guild based on "The World", and MMORPG-related roleplaying enviroment. Thanks to him it was possible to create the guild, but soon it failed, much to our dismay. That is why now I was inspired to create a less-constrictive rolepay based on an "online fantastical life-simulator".

When I created the thread, I kind've sped through the construction, because, like said, I was extremly busy that night. In my opinion, I had no place in creating a new roleplay whilst so busy, but anywho...

Also I've been busy with a possible brain tumor and now arising heart problems, one reason I haven't been able to attend the thread as much as normally possible.

Those being some reasons for our now near dead thread.

I'm sure you'll find some spelling or grammar problems in this post too that I haven't noticed. I'd prood-read, but now I have to go do something else real quick.

Thanks alot!
Alexi Draguer

Affirmitive. No rush here, everything in moderation.

Okay, you said grammar wasn't what you were looking for, so I'll focus on the other stuff here...

Technically I doubt you need to add anything to make this work--obviously this already has posts the way it is. If I were going to make it my own, however, I would add in some kind of plot device that could bring all of the characters together so that the players didn't have to continually run into each other out of strange coincidence in order to interact--especially as I imagine the different dying people would have all sorts of different agendas that may not naturally cross paths, leading to more of those contrived coincidences... (Granted, I haven't read the roleplay itself and don't know if that problem's actually happening in yours, but I've seen it in other places.) Adding something like that in might limit the exact specifications available for your roleplayers, but good ones can deal with and even thrive among such challenges...

I would also add more dimension to your setting. I can see that a dark, depressing city would help cultivate the kind of mood you're looking for--but if it's that bad, why are people still living there? Either providing reasons yourself (like, it's a totalitarian place and they can't leave) or telling the players to do so (maybe someone doesn't have enough money to live elsewhere or is tied down by family) will give it a more 'believable' feel (which is good, 'cause you want people to be able to suspend their disbelief and get into the roleplay ^^).

If you want more help/feedback/crit/etc, just post back again with whatever it is you're looking for--this is just what occured to me now ^^...

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heres my 1st rp i made sweatdrop

Many hundreds of years ago there were alot of the mythical creatures roaming the lands {dwarfs, elves, fairies, witches, werewolfs, vampires etc} that is until someone decided to exterminate the races. To the people now we are fairytales, those few of us that are found or discovered are burned or hanged. We are thought to be ungodly, unholy, evil. This forgotten story begins a hundred years after extermination began. Our mission, to survive for the future of the world for we are the protecters, the lost characters. We are the unwritten......

I do want to have my rping skills reviewed. however, most of my posts tend to be short ones, and rather difficult to understand without the context. it would be wonderful if you could take a quick peek into my rp, if you could. if not, i can post one of my longer posts, or maybe my bio (which is short too, as i prefer that others not have too much ooc knowledge, as it might affect what they know ic)

king's bodyguard rp; that's my rp. it would be wonderful if you could give me some tips on being a GM, too, because it is my first try, and i have this feeling that i'm doing something badly...

Krome's