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 Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 2:06 pm
Okay, I am going to try not to pass out. My character's name is Arekushisu, but goes by Shisu.
RP example:
Dripping with sweat, Shisu rummaged through her pocket for her room key. She was always paranoid about people being in her room so she kept it locked when she was gone.
"Shoot, I must have lost it when I was training," she shouted at herself.
Giving up, she pressed her hand against the lock and used her chakra to push the lock pins. It worked. The door unlatched and swung open.
Shisu was aghast to find her room destroyed. Broken items littered the ground.
Panicking, she rushed to her closet. Her worst fear had been realized. Her scroll containing all of her jutsus was gone.
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 5:55 pm
iArekushisu Okay, I am going to try not to pass out. My character's name is Arekushisu, but goes by Shisu. RP example: Dripping with sweat, Shisu rummaged through her pocket for her room key. She was always paranoid about people being in her room so she kept it locked when she was gone. "Shoot, I must have lost it when I was training," she shouted at herself. Giving up, she pressed her hand against the lock and used her chakra to push the lock pins. It worked. The door unlatched and swung open. Shisu was aghast to find her room destroyed. Broken items littered the ground. Panicking, she rushed to her closet. Her worst fear had been realized. Her scroll containing all of her jutsus was gone. Good - certainly well enough to pass. However, the choice of spacing is slightly distracting...
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 7:42 pm
ProtoXtreme iArekushisu Okay, I am going to try not to pass out. My character's name is Arekushisu, but goes by Shisu. RP example: Dripping with sweat, Shisu rummaged through her pocket for her room key. She was always paranoid about people being in her room so she kept it locked when she was gone. "Shoot, I must have lost it when I was training," she shouted at herself. Giving up, she pressed her hand against the lock and used her chakra to push the lock pins. It worked. The door unlatched and swung open. Shisu was aghast to find her room destroyed. Broken items littered the ground. Panicking, she rushed to her closet. Her worst fear had been realized. Her scroll containing all of her jutsus was gone. Good - certainly well enough to pass. However, the choice of spacing is slightly distracting... Thank you. I was confused when it said something like space like this. Or maybe it said don't space like that. Umm. Before I do anything, could you please tell me how I'm supposed to space?
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Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 5:51 am
Okay ^^ sorry ProtoXtreme SuzakuOfTheSouth Okay, I've been rp'ing for a while but please feel free to correct me Rosa Izuke looked around the room. So...Odd to be sitting back in the same desk she did when she was little. She sat back trying to relax and close her golden brown eyes. Memories Flooded her closed eye lids. The time she fell out of the tree beside the building. The time she and her friends were playing and ended up blowing a frog. These memories braught a faint smile to her pale pink lips... Such found...Memories these were to her Hm...Try to avoid too much spacing. It becomes a bit distracting. We use normal book format.
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Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 9:45 am
Sure thing, Are. Normal book form would be the usual publication format for stories. When a new character speaks, or when conversation is exchanged, that's when spacing should be done, or for added emphasis. I'll be using a scene from my character's past... >._.> And nope, his pops didn't succeed. <._.< Quote: Despite the heat from the black flames, quickly consuming what was left of the burning house he had escaped from with a vengeful fury, the sweat that dripped down the poor boy's brow was cold. His heart skipped a beat, pounding like a frightened rabbit, while his feet were taking him somewhere, against his will; obeying his brother's last command to run.
He winced inwardly when the fire had converged into a grotesque caricature of a woman and shrieked, shattering the ominous silence of night...and the banshee opened her arms, spreading the deadly black fire - a juggernaut of destruction, bringing ruin to all life within its path.
Yet, even while Higure may be able to entrance him with the Sharingan, even while the other had forcibly reverse-teleported the younger out of the burning house, the older boy could not command Akeru's heart to desert his brother - to run, to flee for his life, to forget of the nightmare that was tonight...
For how, just how - how could he possibly forget?
Tears spilled out of the boy's eyes as he ran - not from pain, no, for even though his father had drawn a sword at him, the boy had suffered no physical wound. No, the wound Akeru suffered was far greater - the guilt of surviving...
Because the elder had been killed in his stead...
A choked sob escaped his throat, as he tripped on a fallen branch, stumbled, and collided roughly with the earth. The bed of grass softened the impact so that he did not hurt himself, but stray fragments of stone dug into pale skin stained with traces of soot, tearing it open, spilling crimson blood onto his torn clothing. For a long moment there, the boy just laid there, all remnants of strength fleeing him before finally, he gathered enough strength to push himself into sitting position.
How...how had this come to be...? Why...? The single question repeated in his mind, like a mantra. Hadn't his family always been happy together? Never, never in his wildest dreams would he had dreamed of coming home to see his mother - dead - her blood staining the pale wooden floors of the house a lurid crimson...or would he have ever expected... His stomach turned sickeningly, remembering those terrible crimson eyes - eyes gained from murder - a cold expression in place of the warm smiles he was used to from his father and Akeru, feeling sick suddenly, leaned aside and emptied out his stomach on the grass.
Soft footsteps caught his attention and he could barely bring himself to look up... His breath caught softly in his throat and his eyes widened.
Him...
"That simple boy...did he honestly believe the flames of Amataretsu would hurt her bearer?"
The boy's vision burned and his blood boiled in his veins.
Fury. All he could see was a world of red.
His aniki was not simple. Higure had given him his life...
His fingers curled around the single kunai he had...and with a savage cry, he hurled it for those godforsaken eyes.
Unforgivable...
Absolutely unforgivable...
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 9:32 am
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 1:58 pm
here goes my character is named Taka Minimichi
One night Taka could not sleep for he was thinking about his mother's death at the hands of his father so Taka had gotten very frustrated "damn i must kill him for what he has done" he shouted so viciously he jumped out of the window and started to run like he never ran before so fast he accidentaly ran into a tree making a very big boom knocked out he dreamt of his mother tucking him in at night.
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 6:42 pm
Loverboi19 here goes my character is named Taka Minimichi
One night Taka could not sleep for he was thinking about his mother's death at the hands of his father so Taka had gotten very frustrated "damn i must kill him for what he has done" he shouted so viciously he jumped out of the window and started to run like he never ran before so fast he accidentaly ran into a tree making a very big boom knocked out he dreamt of his mother tucking him in at night. Hm...awkward grammatical construction - way too much clauses without much transition...so overall, this whole sample gives the effect of one big run-on sentence. Also, when a character is speaking, it should follow proper capitalization and punctuation rules.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 10:49 am
Didn't notice I was suppose to do this first, sorry got all excited.
Sample -
Yves Panak awoke late for class, highly uncharacteristic of him. He had been up late reading a piece of literature. He quickly gathered his things, and ran out the door. His dreads, still short, bounced as he ran. The crowded streets delayed him further causing the young boy to become more and more frustrated with himself. He turned down an alley, an old short cut, in hopes of shaving a moment or two off of his travel. His plan failed, a group of ruffians hardly older than Yves had decided to congregate in the alley-way.
'Look what we have here!' said one of the boys. Yves' heart dropped noticing their headbands. His thoughts racing and his forehead dripping with sweat made his panic self-evident. The thugs made a circle around Yves, one swatted the books from the young boy's hands, another pushed Yves. Yves could do nothing to stop the group of boys, he wasn't the strongest, or the fastest, but he had to try something.
Dropping his shoulder to smash into the boy in front of him, Yves prepared himself. The thug hit the ground with Yves on top of him, still unaware his plan had worked. Upon the realization Yves began throwing punches at the boy. One, two, three hits connected but by the fourth Yves was on his back, placed there by the other kids.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 11:37 am
ProtoXtreme Loverboi19 here goes my character is named Taka Minimichi
One night Taka could not sleep for he was thinking about his mother's death at the hands of his father so Taka had gotten very frustrated "damn i must kill him for what he has done" he shouted so viciously he jumped out of the window and started to run like he never ran before so fast he accidentaly ran into a tree making a very big boom knocked out he dreamt of his mother tucking him in at night. Hm...awkward grammatical construction - way too much clauses without much transition...so overall, this whole sample gives the effect of one big run-on sentence. Also, when a character is speaking, it should follow proper capitalization and punctuation rules.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 1:17 pm
Ok here goes another 1 with more action: Taka Minimichi
RP example:
Taka finally gets back from getting some food for his mother he opens the door and before he knew a big fist went crashing into his face it was his big brother he realized Taka shouted out "oww Musa y did u hit me" then Musa said "I don't know mom isn't here so i want to spar with you Taka" Taka says "but your a ninja of the sand village how can u get stronger from fighting me" Musa say "I'm not trying to get stronger i want u to get stronger you'll be at the academy soon i want you to get a head start" Taka didn't say anything he has a big smirk on his face looks down lets go of the bags of food and he jumped at Musa with a nice flying kick Musa grabs his leg and throws him out of the window to the outside breaking the window "hahahahahahahahaha 1st lesson little brother make sure u catch your opponent off guard but that was good" Musa jumps out the window "oooooh mom is going to be mad o well" Taka stands up, Musa charges for Taka, Taka steps to the side and trips Musa, Musa rolls into some garbage Musa says "damn why didn't i think of that hahaha" then their mother gets home and the 1st thing she sees is the broken window and Taka and Musa both say "sorry mom"
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 4:47 pm
Loverboi19 Ok here goes another 1 with more action: Taka Minimichi
RP example:
Taka finally gets back from getting some food for his mother he opens the door and before he knew a big fist went crashing into his face it was his big brother he realized Taka shouted out "oww Musa y did u hit me" then Musa said "I don't know mom isn't here so i want to spar with you Taka" Taka says "but your a ninja of the sand village how can u get stronger from fighting me" Musa say "I'm not trying to get stronger i want u to get stronger you'll be at the academy soon i want you to get a head start" Taka didn't say anything he has a big smirk on his face looks down lets go of the bags of food and he jumped at Musa with a nice flying kick Musa grabs his leg and throws him out of the window to the outside breaking the window "hahahahahahahahaha 1st lesson little brother make sure u catch your opponent off guard but that was good" Musa jumps out the window "oooooh mom is going to be mad o well" Taka stands up, Musa charges for Taka, Taka steps to the side and trips Musa, Musa rolls into some garbage Musa says "damn why didn't i think of that hahaha" then their mother gets home and the 1st thing she sees is the broken window and Taka and Musa both say "sorry mom" Correct grammatical structure, as in something like what I had posted for Are as an example (reposted below)... And you detonate when another character is speaking with a different color. Proper capitalization and punctuation is no mere decoration - they add to the effectiveness of your post and less likens the chance that your post will be ignored by another rper. Quote: Despite the heat from the black flames, quickly consuming what was left of the burning house he had escaped from with a vengeful fury, the sweat that dripped down the poor boy's brow was cold. His heart skipped a beat, pounding like a frightened rabbit, while his feet were taking him somewhere, against his will; obeying his brother's last command to run.
He winced inwardly when the fire had converged into a grotesque caricature of a woman and shrieked, shattering the ominous silence of night...and the banshee opened her arms, spreading the deadly black fire - a juggernaut of destruction, bringing ruin to all life within its path.
Yet, even while Higure may be able to entrance him with the Sharingan, even while the other had forcibly reverse-teleported the younger out of the burning house, the older boy could not command Akeru's heart to desert his brother - to run, to flee for his life, to forget of the nightmare that was tonight...
For how, just how - how could he possibly forget?
Tears spilled out of the boy's eyes as he ran - not from pain, no, for even though his father had drawn a sword at him, the boy had suffered no physical wound. No, the wound Akeru suffered was far greater - the guilt of surviving...
Because the elder had been killed in his stead...
A choked sob escaped his throat, as he tripped on a fallen branch, stumbled, and collided roughly with the earth. The bed of grass softened the impact so that he did not hurt himself, but stray fragments of stone dug into pale skin stained with traces of soot, tearing it open, spilling crimson blood onto his torn clothing. For a long moment there, the boy just laid there, all remnants of strength fleeing him before finally, he gathered enough strength to push himself into sitting position.
How...how had this come to be...? Why...? The single question repeated in his mind, like a mantra. Hadn't his family always been happy together? Never, never in his wildest dreams would he had dreamed of coming home to see his mother - dead - her blood staining the pale wooden floors of the house a lurid crimson...or would he have ever expected... His stomach turned sickeningly, remembering those terrible crimson eyes - eyes gained from murder - a cold expression in place of the warm smiles he was used to from his father and Akeru, feeling sick suddenly, leaned aside and emptied out his stomach on the grass.
Soft footsteps caught his attention and he could barely bring himself to look up... His breath caught softly in his throat and his eyes widened.
Him...
"That simple boy...did he honestly believe the flames of Amataretsu would hurt her bearer?"
The boy's vision burned and his blood boiled in his veins.
Fury. All he could see was a world of red.
His aniki was not simple. Higure had given him his life...
His fingers curled around the single kunai he had...and with a savage cry, he hurled it for those godforsaken eyes.
Unforgivable...
Absolutely unforgivable...
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 4:53 pm
Yves89 Didn't notice I was suppose to do this first, sorry got all excited. Sample - Yves Panak awoke late for class, highly uncharacteristic of him. He had been up late reading a piece of literature. He quickly gathered his things, and ran out the door. His dreads, still short, bounced as he ran. The crowded streets delayed him further causing the young boy to become more and more frustrated with himself. He turned down an alley, an old short cut, in hopes of shaving a moment or two off of his travel. His plan failed, a group of ruffians hardly older than Yves had decided to congregate in the alley-way. 'Look what we have here!' said one of the boys. Yves' heart dropped noticing their headbands. His thoughts racing and his forehead dripping with sweat made his panic self-evident. The thugs made a circle around Yves, one swatted the books from the young boy's hands, another pushed Yves. Yves could do nothing to stop the group of boys, he wasn't the strongest, or the fastest, but he had to try something. Dropping his shoulder to smash into the boy in front of him, Yves prepared himself. The thug hit the ground with Yves on top of him, still unaware his plan had worked. Upon the realization Yves began throwing punches at the boy. One, two, three hits connected but by the fourth Yves was on his back, placed there by the other kids. Pass.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 5:02 pm
ProtoXtreme Loverboi19 Ok here goes another 1 with more action: Taka Minimichi
RP example:
Taka finally gets back from getting some food for his mother he opens the door and before he knew a big fist went crashing into his face it was his big brother he realized Taka shouted out "oww Musa y did u hit me" then Musa said "I don't know mom isn't here so i want to spar with you Taka" Taka says "but your a ninja of the sand village how can u get stronger from fighting me" Musa say "I'm not trying to get stronger i want u to get stronger you'll be at the academy soon i want you to get a head start" Taka didn't say anything he has a big smirk on his face looks down lets go of the bags of food and he jumped at Musa with a nice flying kick Musa grabs his leg and throws him out of the window to the outside breaking the window "hahahahahahahahaha 1st lesson little brother make sure u catch your opponent off guard but that was good" Musa jumps out the window "oooooh mom is going to be mad o well" Taka stands up, Musa charges for Taka, Taka steps to the side and trips Musa, Musa rolls into some garbage Musa says "damn why didn't i think of that hahaha" then their mother gets home and the 1st thing she sees is the broken window and Taka and Musa both say "sorry mom" Correct grammatical structure, as in something like what I had posted for Are as an example (reposted below)... And you detonate when another character is speaking with a different color. Proper capitalization and punctuation is no mere decoration - they add to the effectiveness of your post and less likens the chance that your post will be ignored by another rper. Quote: Despite the heat from the black flames, quickly consuming what was left of the burning house he had escaped from with a vengeful fury, the sweat that dripped down the poor boy's brow was cold. His heart skipped a beat, pounding like a frightened rabbit, while his feet were taking him somewhere, against his will; obeying his brother's last command to run.
He winced inwardly when the fire had converged into a grotesque caricature of a woman and shrieked, shattering the ominous silence of night...and the banshee opened her arms, spreading the deadly black fire - a juggernaut of destruction, bringing ruin to all life within its path.
Yet, even while Higure may be able to entrance him with the Sharingan, even while the other had forcibly reverse-teleported the younger out of the burning house, the older boy could not command Akeru's heart to desert his brother - to run, to flee for his life, to forget of the nightmare that was tonight...
For how, just how - how could he possibly forget?
Tears spilled out of the boy's eyes as he ran - not from pain, no, for even though his father had drawn a sword at him, the boy had suffered no physical wound. No, the wound Akeru suffered was far greater - the guilt of surviving...
Because the elder had been killed in his stead...
A choked sob escaped his throat, as he tripped on a fallen branch, stumbled, and collided roughly with the earth. The bed of grass softened the impact so that he did not hurt himself, but stray fragments of stone dug into pale skin stained with traces of soot, tearing it open, spilling crimson blood onto his torn clothing. For a long moment there, the boy just laid there, all remnants of strength fleeing him before finally, he gathered enough strength to push himself into sitting position.
How...how had this come to be...? Why...? The single question repeated in his mind, like a mantra. Hadn't his family always been happy together? Never, never in his wildest dreams would he had dreamed of coming home to see his mother - dead - her blood staining the pale wooden floors of the house a lurid crimson...or would he have ever expected... His stomach turned sickeningly, remembering those terrible crimson eyes - eyes gained from murder - a cold expression in place of the warm smiles he was used to from his father and Akeru, feeling sick suddenly, leaned aside and emptied out his stomach on the grass.
Soft footsteps caught his attention and he could barely bring himself to look up... His breath caught softly in his throat and his eyes widened.
Him...
"That simple boy...did he honestly believe the flames of Amataretsu would hurt her bearer?"
The boy's vision burned and his blood boiled in his veins.
Fury. All he could see was a world of red.
His aniki was not simple. Higure had given him his life...
His fingers curled around the single kunai he had...and with a savage cry, he hurled it for those godforsaken eyes.
Unforgivable...
Absolutely unforgivable... So did i pass?
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Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 3:37 pm
It seems I have not been able to convey something across...
Fix your grammatical structure and slice run-on sentences to their proper form.
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