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Bathrooms are scary, horrible places sometimes. I always use the women's room if I absolutely have to use one at all. I avoid it at all costs, believe me. But I don't pass well enough to brave the men's room, even when I am binding. Which is often (probably too often, though I have cut back. That short period when I did it every day already changed their texture).

In other news, I can't help but think that domo is dancing to Of Montreal's Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games right now.
domokun

rej -- If you have to have a suck-at-life-rant, well, at least yours was whimsical. I wouldn't worry about it, though. Dropping a course, even one you're doing well in, doesn't make you a loser.

About the bathrooms: that's why I like the Valley.* Or, more specifically, that's why I like Hampshire (my college) and Northampton (home town of Smith College and US lesbian capital). When I'm there, I forget to look for gender designations on bathrooms. They do crop up now and again, but they're certainly aren't the norm. It's...nice. I miss it.

*Pioneer Valley -- area of Western Mass where exist colleges and lesbians

I can't talk about this anywhere or with anyone.

I'm really alone and I'm really scared. Terrified-scared. I want to cry but I can't.

I'm going to fall soon. There is an impending doom and everything is going to crash around me soon. It's going to be deafening with explosions leaving me completely disoriented. I don't think I'm going to recover this time. Not like all those other times. I know this fall is going to be bad. Worse than the others. I've never been this conscious of it.

The falls never sneak up. They come charging with trumpets sounding. They want me to know they're coming. They want to strike fear into my heart. They know I can't do anything to stop them. I'm paralysed. I'm scared. I've given up pretending to struggle like there was a choice. It's already begun. It's happening right now. I'm watching it.

I feel low. I'm sinking. Everything is heavy. The air around me is falling. Everything is falling. The world is about to cave in. Won't someone hold me? Kiss my forehead and tell me it'll all be okay? I'll make it this time? No. They don't see it. They can't understand. It's invisible. I feel cold. I feel submerged.

I don't know when I'm going to hit the bottom. Maybe this week, maybe the next? It's going to happen soon though. I can't run or hide. The posters of life are about to be torn down revealing everything. All that is real. All that really exists when we rip down the paper walls around us. The tiny compartments we're in are held together by a cheap wooden frame held with minimal nails. The monsters will tear all of this down with their claws.

Stop it. Make it go away. Make it never come back. I can't fight it. I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I can't run or escape. Hurting myself isn't going to help this time. I don't know who else will join me on the injured list. I wonder if we'll even make it to the demised list? Everyone can't always be a survivor. We die. We die from this.

Well this isn't as serious as everyone else's rant(s), and even less so since I'm not really active(still), but here we go.

As you all [should] know, I'm busy with lots of scholarships I'm procrastinating on because I suck. I need to get these things in to make money for the 80k bill that is going to be my bachelor's degree.

So yesterday, my dad was all gung ho about me starting a scholarship, finishing it, and mailing it out THAT DAY. He couldn't let me just work on it, no, it had to be DONE and MAILED IN.

Motivation, yes. It probably helped me in the end, but that's not the point.
The point is this.

I decided to work on the KarMel scholarship. a 300 - 500 USD scholarship where you express your views of Gays artistically in any way you want.

Since I don't have any more friends around me to act in videos any more(without paying them, anyway), I decided to do a flash animation.

I had stick people. And it went like this:
Hetero couple gets together, they have a baby. Babies cover the world, and there are babies EVERYWHERE. Cut to a gay couple who is together and they have no babies, and live in a nice world of no overpopulation troubles.

My view on gays? They don't promote overpopulation(I'm seriously VHEMT).

Well, apparently, everyone I proposed to idea to said it was a horrible idea, and only told ME it was a horrible idea and that it didn't express a good view about gays(sent mixed messages or something) until I was halfway done with the flash animation.

So I sat, and I was in #C&T at the time (IRC Channel for C&T regs of gaia) and I was waiting for another idea to just pop up. It never did.
But this one guy, Ophi, he PC'ed(Private Chat) me and was like. "Here. Use this idea. I think it will work."

So I decide that yes, it is a good idea, and I will do it in place of my old idea.
JUST WHEN my dad walks up and wants to know my progress.

So I say I was originally going to do this one idea, but everyone said it was a bad idea, so now I'm going to start this new idea.

Of course, he HAS to know what the bad idea was, and I explain it to him, and he agrees. It's a bad idea. Whoopdidoo.

THEN he says something along the lines of how I should work on an "easier" scholarship. I tell him that this is the easiest one there is, and that's why I'm doing it first.
Then he states that I should do an essay instead of this for a different scholarship.

I say no, I already started the gay scholarship, I want to finish it.

Moods angered, we leave.

About eight hours later, I finish Ophi's idea. I go downstairs, and my dad and I talk again.
"Are you done yet?"
"Almost," I say, "My computer is being really slow. It won't export from ImageReady"(which it wouldn't)
"Excuses, excuses."
"It's not an excuse!" I rebuke, "It's true."
"I think your whole idea is just dumb."
I growl and reply, "I told you this is a DIFFERENT idea, it's not the overpopulation one!"
"Yeah, ok. You should've picked something easier to work on first."
"THIS IS THE EASIEST ONE!"
He states, "Then why did it take all day? Why is it not finished yet?"
I spout out, jumping to conclusions, "You just don't like gays!"

You know what he says? He doesn't even look up from whatever the hell it is he's doing, and he says, "You're right. I don't."
"You're a homophobe!"
Then somehow the conversation changed to the apprentice, when they were making commercials for that body lotion, and he was comparing it to the cucumber porn/gay promo commercial, as if it made a difference.
The whole time the conversation changes, my mom walks in and she's like "What? What? What?" obviously not catching what our conversation is about, since she's as dumb as a doornail, and trying to shove herself in it.

We somehow get back to MY idea, and she goes, "What does [Q's] view have to do with body lotion?"
UGH. I want to snap her neck sometimes.

Long story short (kind of) after all that annoyance, my dad never bothered to see my finished result after I sent it in, and he has decided to not care if I win the money or not.

b*****d.

This was the end result, you guys:
http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/1920/gay9ha.gif

Yeah, I ran out of generic names. X|

Dude. So I'm writing this paper. I have to finish it by 4:00 pm, today (roughly five hours -- a little less). It's complete bullshit and I know it is. I also know that getting it done and turned in is so much more important for me right now than whether or not it makes actual sense. I know this. I do. And yet, instead of just typing, and I look and my notes and cry, "But that doesn't make sense! This interpretation is totally wrong! I totally just MADE THAT PART UP! I know! I'll look it up online (where little more than no information on my topic exists) just to prove to myself that it makes no sense!!!" This is stupid and time-consuming and pointless and omg, Astri, just get over yourself. Really. Really, really. Really, really, really, really. Really.

i'm afraid i'm not in love with my boyfriend anymore because we had a threesome and at the begining i asked him not to go all the way with (edited sweatdrop ) the other girl and he did anyway...i can't get over it and i don't know what to do now...

i fixed it. sorry, i knew it didn't sound right but i couldn't think of anything else at the time. thanks astri.

he's apologized for it and told me that he didn't hear me say that or something. which is totally possible since we weren't exactly sober at the time, i just can't get over it. we live together and we're friends with this girl. she's an awesome girl and we hang out with her together and seperatly a bunch. it's just...still bothering me. it doesn't help that he was with her when we were broken up. we've had an...interesting...relationship so far.

but...perhaps it is time to move on... cry