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 Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:47 am
Ehh I can try. I actually ran into her today on the bus. I pretended that I didn't see her and I then I got off the bus a few stops down. She got off at the next stop ahead though and I wouldn't be surprised if it was just to say hi. I crossed the road to walk by the her on the opposite side of the street. She saw me though and called my name. At least she called my real name. I had to tell her that was my real name last night. Her name is the same as my old name so it's kind of awkward.
[EDIT]: Bah. Some girl added me to her LJ friend list. She lives in my city. I just looked at her journal and it turns out she knows Kate [the schizophrenic used-to-be-gay-but-is-now-straight stalker girl] I think I'm doomed -_-
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 5:47 pm
Yikes, good luck with that, dude. I keep my journal completely friends only after my old roommate had her mother "research" me. It was kinda weird.
Funny thing is, that old roommate is still on my friends list. *shrugs*
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:05 pm
I like letting strangers read it. Saves me from adding them just so they can read mine. I know people on Gaia who like to read it even though they don't have an LJ. I've got a separate journal for anything I don't want to share with anyone. There isn't anything necessarily bad for anyone to read in my journal. I'm quite open about most things. I like it when complete strangers comment in my journal.
It's not so much that she's leading my LJ again. I noticed that she didn't add me to her friends list anyways. It's just any form of communication is unwanted. But seeing as we live in the same city and we're both downtown a lot I'll just have to grit my teeth. Hopefully she'll get the point one of these years. Besides she's apparently dying anyways......... man that's morbid. People generally don't strike fear into me but she does. It's unsettling.
She's the first and I think only person I met online and then met in person hence why I'm so nervous about meeting this guy tomorrow. I don't need another Kate.
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 5:45 am
Um, yeah. In her lj, Astri Conservative estimates of time slept since waking up on Friday morning: Friday Night: 4:30am-2pm Saturday Night: nil Sunday: napping on the bus Sunday Night: nil Monday: 8:30am-4pm Monday Night: nil Tuesday: 3:30pm-5:30pm Tuesday Night: nil That's, oh, 20 hours of sleep in the last 120 hours or so; 2 hours in the fourty. At best. What the <******** how am I still able to form coherent sentences?
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:01 pm
Okay, so I got the number for counseling services at school, today. I'm going to see about setting up counseling sessions because I am just not functioning well, lately. I'm stressed, exhausted, having far too much trouble keeping up in my feminism class (the other three classes I'm taking require much less work - one requires very little reading, the other two are stuff I already know), oh, and I focus on my gender more than any human being should ever have to. It's ridiculous that instead of reading to prepare for the essay/midterm that's due Sunday I'm stuck here worrying about not being "trans enough." How lame is that? How can I worry about being something I even think exists??!
And it's also ridiculous to worry so much about this stuff when there is so much good stuff going on outside of my being stressed. Like starting my name change process, and people getting better with name/pronoun stuff. Dan (my fiance) has been trying so hard and doing so well and amazing me every day. But then another good thing I was going to mention was my trans support group (as well as my general coming out group)... but I think that has a lot to do with my worrying about not being "trans enough." Cos I feel like everyone at the trans group is more trans than me (aaaauuuggggghh)... and at both groups I feel like I'm deceiving everyone because I let them all assume I'm ftm, when I don't even know if that describes me at all.
So yeah, therapy = good idea for me right now. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have a good counselor... I can't deal with a bad one right now. It's taken me far too long to get to the point where I can even CONSIDER getting back into therapy... I don't need that to be screwed up. So um, wish me luck with that.. or something.
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 5:36 pm
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. If any one of us is "_____ enough." Are we gay enough, ethnic enough, thin enough, athletic enough, smart enough, ourselves enough? You're more steeped in feminism in me, but you should know that the actual word you use to describe yourself doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're comfortable with it, so until you find something else that better describes you, let them assume. Good luck, Rej and I hope everyone is alright. I know I've abandoned the place temporarily, and almost forgot how much it means to me. How did your meeting with the guy go, Nios? What are you doing to yourself, Astri?
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 5:52 pm
For some reason there really is a weird elitist thing in the trans world. It's like we have to prove that we're trans enough to each other. It seems worse than high school acceptance. I try not to play that little game but damn if trans people don't believe me then who will other than myself? I think I'll rant about the "____ enough" issue another time though.
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 6:31 pm
The "trans enough" issue sucks a lot, because I've made it into an internal problem with ME, and that's stupid. How could I possibly be not "trans enough" for myself? That makes no sense at all. But I still have this feeling that I'm not "trans enough" to feel the things I'm feeling - like I'm appropriating these trans things and making them mine, when they're not "supposed to be." I do realize how ridiculous this all sounds, so I guess that's good at least.
But anyway, I called counseling services and found out there's a waiting list and was given three options - get on the waiting list and wait for a call, call back on Monday and see if they (magically?) have an opening this week, or call any day after 11 and see if there have been cancellations that day that would leave an opening for me. I opted to call back Monday and if there aren't openings I'll jump onto that waiting list I guess. I was just really hoping to get seen quickly so I can start talking about this stuff. I do "talk" here and through instant messages a bit, but as far as talking out loud about issues that's done mainly with my fiance - so I need someone else to discuss this stuff with. I feel like I unload too much on my partner and I also need someone else to discuss my problems regarding my partner with. And I have this feeling that I won't need to feel guilty unloading on a therapist because that's what they're there for, you know?
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:32 pm
rejectanonymity The "trans enough" issue sucks a lot, because I've made it into an internal problem with ME, and that's stupid. How could I possibly be not "trans enough" for myself? That makes no sense at all. But I still have this feeling that I'm not "trans enough" to feel the things I'm feeling - like I'm appropriating these trans things and making them mine, when they're not "supposed to be." I do realize how ridiculous this all sounds, so I guess that's good at least.
If you have a mic, I wouldn't mind talking to you verbally. It'd be a little better than just instant messaging maybe.
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Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 6:09 pm
As crude as it sounds, I want to quit school and get a sex change. neutral
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:57 pm
*hugs Nios* I'm not sure what else to say to that, but I understand (in my own way, of course). Hang in there.
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:12 pm
I'm thinking I'll get foundation year over with and then take a year off. I'm really unable to focus. I'll get myself sorted out and then go back. I might even try to get top surgery done.
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:11 pm
I know this is kind of late, but how in the world is "S/he" insulting?
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:17 pm
I think it's insulting depending on the individual. There are terms for someone that rejects both the male and female pronouns. Instead they use "hir" and "ze." However if someone requested to be called one then it is potentionally insulting to use the wrong one or to imply both by saying s/he. You request to be called he so we call you he. There might be more to the issue, this is just my very uneducated opinion.
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:07 pm
Gah! Nios! Your shirtless hotness attacks me! (I have problems)
I like it when I don't add anything meaningful to the discussion.
Actually, I don't.
Shocking.
I'm sleepy, shh.
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