oooooI've spent most of the day getting abused. And then two of my close friends decided that they needed to abuse me as well. I tried to stand up for myself and made things worse. I always make things worse. They shattered my trust in them. And I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to just be done with the pain. After today, I think it is too late, the rift is too wide to make amends. It is the most precious thing in my life and I'm losing it. My heart is beating like a jackhammer and it hurts too much. I don't know where to turn. So much is eating away at me. I don't even know what to say. My head is throbbing.
oooooTo my parents, I am a worthless, weak, lying sack of scum that never does anything and is wholly useless. Most of my friends are angry with me or disappointed in me. Someone close decided she does not need a friend in me anymore because I am so bad at it. Most of the things I try to do I fail at and do everything wrong – and considering my health, I guess I fail at the basics of living too. I just keep going and fighting my way through each day, screwing up all over and when I manage to do something right, it is not acknowledged, not enough, or wrong anyway because people are assholes.
oooooI keep being told that I need to stop being sorry for everything. It is hard to overcome the programming of a life. Being blamed for everything. Especially when your family is insane enough that you get blamed for things that happened before you were even born. So I grew up feeling guilty and to blame for just about every bad thing. Then to top it off, the people who I thought were friends turned on me, used me, and left; while those who did care for me have largely died, leaving me alone and for a long time, I did not even make new friends because I was scared that I was cursed - that I was the cause of their deaths. I had dispelled that for a long time but then after Aki's sister, Nayami, died, their father started saying I was a demon sent to spread death. Perhaps it was true because as I reached out to them, more of that family died. So I have basically grown up with guilt as my primary emotion and the core structure of who I am. It is hard to rebuild the foundation underneath the building.
oooooAnd I have to admit, I have been having a hard time banishing the guilt I have been feeling. I think because I feel that I failed Mimiru. So all of the difficulties and being told over and over how I am a failure and do nothing right. And I remember her dad saying that, blaming me for that. I am trying to cast it out, trying to tell myself I am not worthless and not to blame, but I can't seem to shake it. I know that a big part of who i am is defined by guilt, I grew up with that instilled in me, my core emotion. And the people I trusted who now seem to have turned on me, worked hard to change that, but it is hard to reconstruct a foundation while everything is still on top of it. Guilt drove me to do a lot, to try really hard, but I never seem to meet anyone's expectations fully. On one hand, it made me a better person I guess, since it made me want to do things for everyone. Made me caring or some s**t. But it has also left me unstable and messed up... It is a widespread feeling of guilt, failure, and worthlessness, so I think that even though I can see I did everything short of flying over there and dragging her home, it is just more burden added to a worsening condition of feeling those things.
oooooMy health is on the rocks (
http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=28782789&u=10587252 ) and I went to the urologist and radiologist. The urologist missed a film and found something. Since it was on the kidney itself, they had me in for a high IVP, turned out that this small blotch on my kidney had ballooned out. The people at the radiologist's kept saying it was a tumor, so i took the films over to the urologist's and he tells me it is not a tumor, but basically like a kidney hernia, it got thin and damaged, inflated out due to the increased fluid and restricted flow out. It is something I am told to get surgically fixed, else it burst, but so far I am denied it, even with dad's newfound on drugs like positivity no surgery for me and nobody else is covering it and the doc won't due it because it is outside the little lab rat sojourn he had me on though I got the IVP free since it was considered a rescan, well mostly free, you still have to pay for the chemicals and needles, but that was onlt 15 bucks. the doctor said if I did not get it fixed now, it could be as fatal as a ruptured bladder, basically by the time I get to ER and wait, I'd probably have half a chance, but I have gone through a lot worse, I have had a toxically urinaveated system, so I figure this is just something I will live through and see my qulity of life go down further - I'm not allowed to die, so life has to be as unlivable as possible. My body is trying to beat me down though that, I am as much scared, angry, frustrated as upset. Drink lots of water so you don't die! Oh, you're going to have a kidney blow out and probably kill you because you're drinking too much!
oooooEmotionally, I am gathering myself after Mimiru. I have had a lot of friends die, so I do not think I show it well, I just lock up a bit. I thought I could rely on friends now unlike I ever did in the past, but I still have a certain stoicness. One problem though is that another friend of mine, decided to get suicidal as well – not what I needed to deal with.
oooooRight now, I just want the pain to stop. On all levels, I just want to be done. I'm tired of living. I am tired of people telling me I must be strong. Strong is not repeatedly failing at suicide. Strong is not suffering. Strong isn't when you have no other choices and are simply dragged kicking a screaming through a life you do not want to live. It is at best stupidity and hopelessness. Every day wanting to kill myself, even the happy times, I want to die and make the hurting stop. The pain is just made worse by the meager scraps of fleeting good that is thrown to me, it just makes the contrast more apparent. But I guess if I lose those two, the promise won't hold me.
oooooI was pretty tempted earlier tonight, being so sick for so long has left me with a small pharmacy under my bathroom sink... With all the s**t I have gone through, it would be kind of a cop out to suffer this much and then just end it.
oooooThough it is kind of stupid as I have tried that mode of suicide many times and always just ended up seizuring, vomiting, passing out for a couple days, getting my stomach pumped, and/or seeing smells and tasting colors for awhile.
oooooIf I had stood my ground and not got that laptop and refused to go on this trip, I doubt things would have been different. Yes, it was the fountainhead of this fall out. But the damage was already occurring. If I had not have done it, there would have been less impetus for all this to start snowballing and falling apart. Maybe those things might not have been said and things could have been repaired before things got to bad. Such a mundane thing seems to have been one of the single biggest mistakes in my entire life.
oooooI feel like I should just disappear. Maybe if I vanished from everyone's life, the pain would subside... Go back to who I was then. Reading books in a friendless void of years then after Mimiko died... Maybe that's where I was supposed to be. Cast off, forgotten, alone. People can't hurt you when you're alone. They'd tell me you can't, that the pain is part of it all. I don't want anymore pain, anymore fighting, anymore guilt, anymore grief. I have hurt for too long and I want it to end.
oooooI feel bad about Shea in retrospect... Guilty for stringing her along when my heart is still locked onto a dead soul I lost so long ago. I cannot be with anyone because I am still tied back. Just so, I cannot seem to be a friend well, it does not fit my nature right, my soul is soured.
oooooThe world is messed up, my body is collapsing, mind twisting in the torment... And I never had the strength to deal with it in the first place, I just have yet to find the way out.
oooooWhen the people you trusted most start turning on you, where do you go? WHERE?! When the people who you thought knew you, knew you truly and saw you as not only who you were but who you were meant to be, when you find out that they so do not understand you on a basic, crucial level... What do you do? WHAT?!
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