SPECIAL FEATURE:

User ImageCressa's Advice Column


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Hello there, my flock of podgy pink cretinous wormbag scumlings. Yes, it's me, Cressa Usyllt, your absolute favourite heroine of our tale, here to host a special guest show! Oh, pshaw, hold the applause, please. I understand your delight, but do control yourselves. Oh my!~ You can't see it very clearly, but your adoration is making me blush!~

Mmhmhmhmhm, do feel free to bask in the glory of my presence all that you like, but kindly do it quietly. After all, my pets, we have a show to get on with - and the show must go on!

Of course, being my usual amazingly unique self, I wouldn't be coming on here and performing the same old shtick as the regular Interviewer. Oh, no, my little mindless friends. I break all the rules. Not that it was totally my decision, mind you. The producers of this show were just gasping to showcase the profound extent of my worldly wisdom, so deciding on a special segment for me was easier than Jessie's little whore.

I, my darlings, am going to be imparting to you my knowledge and giving you advice on how to deal with living your meaninglessly mediocre lives. Oh, my pets, you look unhappy! Please, don't off yourselves until you've asked me for my opinion. You never know, I might decide that your life is worth living after all.

Or maybe not. It all depends on the circumstances, of course!

Without further ado, let's hear from my first victim:



"Hi Cressa. A couple of days ago I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with my best friend. I just feel so shocked and hurt that I don't know what to do. I haven't really approached him about it yet, but I know he knows that something is up with me because I can't even look him in the face. What do you think I should do?"

-- Downbeat in Durem

Now, you haven't really given me too many details here, but fortunately for you there is one all-purpose solution to these kind of situations.

That is, to cut that scheming, cheating b*****d's balls off with a serrated dagger and thow them down the sewer, then slit him top to toe and leave him out for the worgs. As for your friend, well, I think I healthy dose of ricin is in order if you don't feel like going through the hassle of slowly infecting and destroying all of the things she holds dear in her life over the course of several months. A little gaslighting might be in order, you know, be creative. OR, and this is a fun option too, just take a great big heavy object - perhaps a prized childhood possession of hers? - and smash it around her disgusting betraying skull.

It might seem like your world is collapsing, but you're going to have a lot of fun with this, I promise! I envy you, really. You're getting your first real chance to EMBRACE the desire for revenge. You deserve to treat yourself, so go for it, and love every second!



"Dear Cressa,

I'm a young mom with self confidence issues-"

Oh girl, you are writing to the WRONG agony aunt. Seriously.



"-I had a baby when I was fifteen. I gained a lot of weight and was left with horrible stretchmarks. Now, I'm nineteen, and I'm too scared to leave the house."

See, this is why I advise against A - having babies, and B - not being an elf. It's all... so unpleasant.



"I don't know what's going to happen when my little boy starts school. I feel like I'm never going to be able to get out of here. I didn't finish my education, and I've never really had a steady boyfriend or a job. I don't know how I'm going to support us as he keeps getting older. I want to give him the best, but I can't do that on benefits. Cressa, what should I do?"

-- Renee

I'll tell ya what you should do, Renee. Find a man, leech him for all he's worth, then throw him out the door, find another, lather, rinse, repeat. You say you've never had a steady boyfriend like it's a bad thing! Men are expendable, darling. They exist to give you their possessions, and what's more they're stupid enough to do just that if you just use a few clever wiles, maybe learn a few special skills with your tongue and a little coordination with your hands. Those are the ONLY skills you need. Forget 'education.' You do as I say, and you'll be sitting pretty the rest of your life.

That is, until you're old and ugly. You human women do go off so terribly quickly. But that's okay, because by then your son will be grown up into a wealthy young thing you can mooch off of. So keep him close to your apron strings too if you know what's good for you, babe.



"Dear Cressa:

What is the most effective way to make a large number of people believe that the economy is going to crash?"

-Bankrupt Stocker

Hmm, I haven't got any experience in stocks, but this is more of a psychology thing, so you're talking my language.

I'd say the easiest way is to just tell one person and then wait a little while for word to spread. Humans are like sheep, so it shouldn't take too long for them all to fall into line. In theory. Put the word out on Twitter! Twitter is gospel amongst humans these days. False information spreads like wildfire. I might make a comment about how far your kind have fallen, but as the original gospel is no different I'll just assume you've always been of a similarly impressionable level.

And by impressionable, I mean stupid.

OR you could always try reverse psychology! That seems to work well on all of you mindless dolts. "The economy is NOT going to crash soon, so don't even think about buying sto-" "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'LL TAKE TWENTY MILLION."

I am, of course, assuming that you aren't nearly as beautiful, charming or skilled at manipulating as I am. Because if you were - and you're not - you wouldn't even need to ask this question in the first place.



"Dear Cressa,


I have recently been forced to take up a position of power over many small children. HELP ME DISCIPLINE THEM!"

-Kindergarten Teacher

You're on your own, mate. I don't go anywhere near children myself. I don't look at them, I don't talk to them, I don't give birth to them, I don't acknowledge their existence in any shape or form, and therefore I'm spared the need to discipline them.

Sucks to be you! biggrin



"Dear Cressa:

I've got a problem you'd probably know best how to solve! I'm moderately short, but I have DD+ boobs. What's the best way to support them?"

-Currently Wears Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders

Uhuh, so is your problem being short or being too short for your proportionately huge boobs? Because honestly, I've never had either of those problems myself.

Fortunately for you, solving both problems is pretty simple. For the boobs, dragon bone. I can't say it enough. No other support like it in the world, and if you throw in some hide for the cups your tits aren't going anywhere, ever. Big boobs can look a little messy if you aren't as naturally perfect as I am, but this keeps 'em all in place so well you get the gorgeous, tidy kind of silhouette only someone like me can achieve, and when you take it off it's all SHAZAM, KAFLAM! Check out these babies! Bet you never knew just what I was hiding in those neatly packed parcels!

As for the proportion problems, just do what my ancestresses did. Vicissitude might hurt now, but it's ten times as effective as any plastic sugery and can do things no human doctor can. So brush up on your black magic, princess, because you're going to need it. Then practise a few centuries of incest, and your whole line of female descendants is made for life!




"Dear Cressa,

I think my best guy friend is falling in love with me, and well... I'm not attracted to him like that. HELP!"

-It's Not Mutual

You don't need to spare his feelings, dear. Men don't HAVE feelings. Men are- oh, wait. Best friend who happens to be a man.

Hmm, well, let's think about what I would do in such a situation. If Jessie happened to be falling in love with me, I'd...

...

Well, all my dreams would finally be coming true. Sorry, kiddo, but you're on your own. If you can bear to push him off a cliff, do it, but if not... I got nothing.




"Dear Cressa,

What's the best way to get a man with politically opposite views to change sides?"

-Leftie

Two words - Blow. Job.

And for future reference, those two little words can solve MOST ANY problems you have with making your men fall into line. They're simple creatures like that.





"Cressa:

why does your name make me wish to sing Wicked?"

That's a question, not a problem. Oh wait, unless you think about me so often that you're forced to sing all of the time and it's beginning to get you into trouble in your daily life. My advice: Bludgeoning. It'll remove any and all thoughts of me, as well as everything else.

What's that, you'd like to hear ME sing something from Wicked?~

Nobody said anything of the sort, you crazy b***h.



[The wall behind Cressa slides away to reveal a full set. As the camera pulls back, we see that she was sitting all along on a full-sized Broadway-style stage with full proscenium and all the trimmings.

Cressa steps forward, pulling a collapsible black tophat from her robes as the intro plays. She gives it a flick of her wrist to make it expand, before placing it extravagantly on the top of her white head even though the song doesn't call for any kind of cabaret dress. It's purely for dramatic effect. wink The lights dim and a spotlight narrows on her, as she slips into character like a true professional just as her cue approaches.]



Hands touch - eyes meet.
Sudden silence - sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...
He could be that boy,
But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far,
Don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember... that rush of joy...
He could be that boy.

I'm not that girl.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been,
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in.

Don't wish. Don't start!
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl.
There's a girl I know...
...He loves her so...
I'm not that girl.



[As the last chord finishes, Cressa sadly removes her tophat and sits back down, but the scenery remains behind her just in case she feels like getting up and performing again later on. Cressa is now giving her advice in front of an elaborate backdrop of farmland and fields. Appropriate...?]


Okay, let's see what sickeningly pointless quibble we've got next...

"Dear Cressa,

I've got a friend who always borrows my stuff, and never gives any of it back!! What should I do?"

- Minus Half His Furniture

...Kill them.




"Cressa-Cressa-Bo-Bessa,

My bosses have really been getting on my case lately. Any suggestions for a guy who'd like to be a CEO one day?"

Kill them.





"Cressa,

I'm 11 years old, and I feel like an outcast at school. Everyone treats me like I'm a freak. How do I make the kids in my class like me?"

- Sophie

Kill them. Kill them ALL.

Cressa, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, heya Jay-jay! What's up, home dog?

[He looks bemused by this for a second, then shakes his head] ...Okay, whatever. I was just going to let all your ridiculous counselling slide by since no one in their right mind would heed it anyway, but I cannot idly sit by whilst you promote despicable acts of violence to a child.

Look, Sophie, if your peers are giving you trouble, it's easy to take it personally, but the truth is that kids can be very, very cruel for no true reason. You shouldn't let it get into your mind that their behaviour has a reflection on you as a person, because it doesn't, sweetheart. Talk to your teachers, talk to your parents, or any other adult you can trust. If the bullying doesn't get managed this way and you can't make any friends, I'd suggest you up sticks and move schools. It's easier and more hopeful than letting the abuse fester.

And if that doesn't work, totally put some gas in your dad's chainsaw and-

Cressa.

Sorry!





"Dear Cressa,

I'm addicted to sex. Do you have any advice on managing this, as it's really starting to interfere with my life. My wife is on the verge of leaving me, it's gotten so bad."

--- Fluffy Pink Handcuffs

[Looks blankly at Jessie] I'm not quite sure why this qualifies as a problem.

[Long-suffering, he sighs] I don't suppose you've tried counselling or therapy?

Or meditation or pilates or a full-bran diet or any of that other holistic s**t?

Cressa.

Sorry.

I believe that your first stop should be your doctor. They'll be happy to chat with you confidentially about your problem and give impartial advice about how to manage and eventually beat your addiction. Good luck.



"CRESSA!

How do you handle a persistently puppy-eyed stalker?

he keeps following me, and i try to tell him off but he keeps GIVING ME THOSE DAMN PUPPY EYES"

;_;

~purple_hana <3


How many times do I have to say this?! KILL THEM!!

No, don't kill them. If you have any kind of stalker, be it internet or in real life, you should do your best to cut them off entirely. If you block them and they switch addresses, block the new address, too. Use your email filters to block them. Block, block, block everywhere. If you have a real-life stalker, try and get an injunction passed against them. Change your phone number. IGNORE the puppy eyes. Do anything and everything you can to just cut them off from their means of harrassing you.

...Since when do you know so much about this?

I have to deal with a LOT of fangirls. Next question.






"Dear Cressa,

For months now my best friend (I'm a guy) has been making passes at me. It makes me uncomfortable, but I value his friendship so I've been trying to ignore it. Recently though he's been trying to touch me, and I caught him slipping something into my drink. I'm really scared now how far he's willing to try and take this. I'm not gay and I'm not attracted to him at all. What should I do?"

Heeeheehe, this is definitely one for you, my friend.

...

Weeeeeeell?

...Don't do what I did. Next question.




"Cressa,

My periods have been unusually heavy for the past six months or so. What could be causing this?"

-- iNcONvEnIenCeD

Ha. One for you this time.

Ahhh, we haven't have enough questions about the Blessing so far. This is one of my areas of expertise, as our sex education is rival to none, amirite Jay-jay?

Mm. Stop calling me that.

WHY SO SERIOUS, MY LITTLE DUCKLING? Anyway, Person-Who-Has-No-Grasp-Of-Proper-Capitalisation-Whatsoever, let me break it down for you. To understand why your periods are suddenly so heavy, you need to go back to basics.

Now, as we all know, when a little girl is ready to become a woman the Angry Womb Monster contained inside all of us wakes from its decade-long hibernation. Once a month from its time of awakening - irregularly at first because, let's face it, wouldn't you be groggy after such a long sleep? - the Angry Womb Monster, or Awm to ye scientific types, demands a sacrifice of flesh.

This could spell trouble - BUT! Our bodies have adapted in order to contain the devastating effects of the Awm's vicious rampage. A lining builds up throughout the month in order to protect our sensitive vital organs from its nasty ripping clawsies. So THAT ends up getting all torn away before it tires itself out again, and that's when you get your period.

[You can imagine the look on Jessie's face as he listens to this for yourselves.]

So, there could be a number of reasons the Angry Womb Monster has been angrily tearing away more fiercely than normal, facilitating the need for a thicker lining and therefore more blood to shed. The Angry Womb Monster doesn't like certain kinds of birth control, so that could be pissing him off. Or you might have developed cysts or fibroids from all of its rampant raging, or you know, maybe it's an STD, or cancer, seeing as you are the imperfect disease-riddled human that you are. So maybe you should get it checked. No skin off my back if you die before your time, so it's totally down to you!

...Good grief.

What? I thought that was my best answer so far!

Let's just move on...



"Dear Cressa,

Is it at all normal for my right n****e to be larger than the other two?"

- Asymmetrical

You went for the THIRD BOOB operation?? MORON! The SUPERBOOB is where it's at!

??????




"dear cressa (and jessie!! OMG you're so hot and funny!! i love you please marry me!!!!!)

i have a problem. you see there’s this guy at school that i like, his name is justin and he’s really cute and nice. but im too shy to talk to him. i tried messaging him online, but he doesn’t talk to people he doesn’t know. i get really nervous whenever he’s around, and the worse thing is, he’s friends with one of my old friends. it’s just a complicated situation. how do i get the courage to talk to him?"

- Marnie

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Smirking hopelessly] Now Cressa, it's... not nice to laugh.

[He pauses to straighten out his face before continuing in a total deadpan]

First of all, your feelings for this boy are obviously in doubt if you can propose to me before even mentioning him.

Tell her yes!! Tell her yes!! This is too funny!

Judging from... well, everything, I'm just a tiny bit too old for her, don't you think?

Oh please, like that's ever stopped you before! Anyway, hooo, now that I've calmed down I think I can take over on this question.

Now, my pitiful little womanling, I'm going to give you a very valuable life lesson that all of you humans need to learn. So listen up. All of you! MEN EXIST TO SERVE YOU. Afraid to speak to him? Dear, dear me. You do not SPEAK to him in any case. You COMMAND him. He does your bidding. It is as simple as that. So go up to him and tell him what to do. It'll turn out well, trust me.

...Sure. Okay, Marnie, I think that maybe, instead of doing that, you should-

BUT I ALREADY ANSWERED! D:

If... you say so...



"Dear Cressa,

I'm another girl with a guy problem-"

There sure are a lot of those about, eh, Jay-jay?

Hm.

"- Basically I've been seeing this guy for a while now, but he hasn't told anyone about me. His friends don't know we're together and were surprised when I told them. I KNOW he hasn't told his family. Then a week or so ago one of my friends told me she saw him flirting with some other girl in broad daylight. Is he playing me?"

- Carla

Yes. Rip off his balls.

Uh... actually, I agree. Except maybe do it figuratively, instead of literally.

But where's the fun in THAT?!





"WHY ARE NONE OF MY FRIENDS LOYAL TO ME?!!?!??????"

- A VERY LONELY HACKER WITH NO LOYAL FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE HACKED THEM ALL

Because YOU'RE A LOW-DOWN NO GOOD DIRTY STINKING HACKER!!! HACKER! HACKER! HACKEEEERRRR! HOW CAN YOU EXPECT YOUR FRIENDS TO BE LOYAL TO YOU IF YOU CAN'T BE LOYAL TO THEM?! YOU... HACKAAAAAR!!

......?

WHY DID YOU HACK ME, YOU HACKER?? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING, MAN. EVERYTHING. SO WHY DID YOU HACK ME?! I LOVED YOU, I LOVED YOU LIKE A SISTER WITH NONE OF THE ASSOCIATED MURDER

Yeah, okay... what? I didn't know you got hacked. I didn't know you even had an account.

THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT!! THIS PERSON IS A HACKER! A HACKER OF LOYAL FRIENDS! AND EVERYONE MUST KNOW ABOUT IT

...I...see...

Well, moving on...

[^ It's an inside joke. At least one of you will understand this.]






"Dear Cressa,

My friend is a racist dillweed, but I still love her. Should I attempt to enlighten her, not say anything, or ditch her?"

- KittyCass

Well, now, that depends entirely on what or whom she is racist against!

[Warning] Cressa...

I mean, is she an elf? Are you an elf? Judging by your pathetic little cutesy screen-name I'd hazard a guess at "definitely not." Ooh, is my poor wittle KittyCass sad because her supewiow elven fwend reminds her of her insignificant mortal life day by day by day by meaningless day of existence? Are you sad because you'll never be as beautiful or intelligent or naturally gifted as any of us glorious descendents from the immortal fey, sculpted in the image of the very gods themselves?

Don't be angry because our culture infinitely surpasses yours in every aspect and at every turn. If you, a lame little donkey, try to run in a race with thoroughbreds, it's absolutely obvious who is going to win. ;]

So honestly, it's best to just forget about your starkly contrasting inferiority, as an ant forgets the giants looming above it, and live out your life in the haze of mindless peace your race basks stupidly within.

...I-

Oh, but if your friend's a surface elf, she can screw off and fall into a pit of fiery dung, too. Next question, hehe!~





"Dear Cressa (and Jessie),

It burns when I pee. Should I tell my orgy group about this?"

- Totally Noone You Know

Definitely.

...Definitely.





"Hi Cressa!

Before we get to my question, I'd just like to say that Jessie, if you're there, I think you are absolutely the most perfect man who's ever walked the earth, and more men should follow your example if they want to get really high-quality girlfriends."

How exactly does one gauge a 'high quality girlfriend?'

Read the next line.

"You know, one who doesn't whine like a b***h about how crappy her life is, because chances are if she can snag a man like you she's pretty secure and confident in herself."

Oh. Interesting... a more self-assured lady certainly would be a change.

"So here's my question - do you think if I showed some balls and asked a total stranger out to dinner, he'd turn me down?"

- Alana

Yes, I do.

Hmm...

What?

[Smiling] You know, I think maybe you should go for it. I'm sure he'd be delighted to take you out, Alana.

WHAT?!

What?

Are you SERIOUS?!

She seems like a nice person. I like how well she articulated her desire. It was clever. I'm impressed.

She's a FANGIRL!

Not at all. She doesn't seem at all desperate to me.

I - but - SINCE WHEN DO YOU GO ON DATES?! WITH STRANGE WOMEN, NO LESS?!

Oh, come on, Cressa. Live a little. ;]

I- I-



NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!!! ADVICE COLUMN IS CLOSED!

[The curtains hurriedly fall shut, but this does nothing to disguise the howls of anguish and rage and anguished rage emanating from beyond.

Looks like we'd better leave Cressa alone. She obviously needs to write a letter to herself.]




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Cressa's column closed on: Sunday 13th February 2011

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