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Okay I know the last thing you guys need is something else to run through and critique and all tha' jazz, but I'd just like to know what ya'll thought of this Idear for an RP I've been thinking of/might just add to the RpR's impressive repitwar. xp

Normally I wouldn't do this, but It's sort of one of those "Complete" Rp's...where the whole thing's set up and...well people just play the roles. To an extent..maybe...I donno. I guess that's why I'm here, isn't it?



The reason I have the roleplay start two months after all of the events is to sort of give a cushion to have a couple three other characters into the story. I plan to play the young man myself but I'll be taking applications for the refridgeratornauts and the other tennants of the apartment who are as nosey neighbors are.

So, here're some of my questions for advice:

1. Should I create characters to have others play them? Say give them a gender, race, and personality and let their players fill in the rest?

2. Or should I let them create everything from scratch, just with some helpful suggestions?

3. Does this sound liek anything that you've seen/heard of before? I hate to be unnoriginal.

4. Is it good to sort of keep this open with the portal, allowing characters to "go back" or drop out of the rp and others to "come into" with out having to do alot of awkward explaining?

((Edit: Boy this post felt alot longer and more impressive before I sent it sweatdrop ))

Cool, thanks. but like i told u before, there's no pressure to have to do it immediately. I'm cool with waiting.

1/2: Hmm. Well, as a player, I favor rps that either give loose guidelines or that are basically completely open... I'd probably advise you to give the loose guidelines you sort of already have there ("immature cat-girl", etc) so that the story'll be more sure to work okay plotwise/being-interesting-wise... And when you let them create the profiles like that, A, you'll be able to judge their skill before you accept them for sure and B, they'll have the freedom to personalize the character a bit so they can play more easily.

Depending on what kind of applications you get for the neighbors/other peripheral characters, you may give them some ideas so that they can integrate into the fridge-portal-and-co part of the story a little more easily. On the other hand, you may not need to.

Oh, and since you're starting two months after, I'd be sure to require the players either in the History or in another section of the profile to define the characters' existing relationships to one another (or at least to the main guy).

3: I'm sure there are plenty of stories and probably rps that deal with the whole portal to another world thing, but the fridge is a nice touch *grin*... To me it passes the mark for being intriguing.

4: Are they seriously going to be hunting down groceries? That could be amusing... But yeah, having the portal either open all the time or randomly open/closed according to The RoleplayMaker's Will could help the characters going in/out thing a bit.

I feel bad for having posted this now. Since posting it I've taken the liberty of trying to do "test runs" in Barton town. Granted getting characters takes alot of screening, but I did manage to give it a couple late night tries. While all started out well in the beginning, It, over all, did not go well. Characters would get in tizzy fits, completely unnecassary to the story, and actually, no real story would form. It mostly just got stuck around one or two very closely spaced events with nothing interesting happening.

It happened in each of the times I tried to run it, so I've honestly given up on the idea, which makes me feel bad for having have you run through it. Mah apologies. That and I just realized where the subliminal/subconcious inspiration for this started, and that being one of the major reasons I no longer want to deal with it. Sorry Merlinic...I'm good at waisting peoples time sometimes sweatdrop

In the town medical center it was dull as usual.

As far as I can see, this post overall is pretty good, but since you're looking to improve and all: this first sentence could be more dynamic for a first sentence. Granted, you're talking about the place being dull, but you still want to avoid phrases like "it was" whenever possible. In this case, beginning with the 'impatiently tapping her pencil' line could work...

Not too many people came here unless they were sick, or elderly.

Scratch that comma. The case in which you would use a comma a bit like that: There are sick, elderly people, but the people are sick or elderly.

A young girl about the age of 17 sat at the reception desk impatiently tapping her pencil and staring down the empty hallways.

"Young" and "17" are at least partially repetative here. The way it is, this sentence needs a comma after desk and could use on before about and after seventeen. And it'd be better to write out seventeen--it's okay to leave longer numbers in numeral form, but the short ones look nicer as words.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she took a paper from the printer next to her and began to doodle on it.

A piece of paper. 'A paper' just means 'essay' to me... "the nearby printer" would be slightly more concise and still the same point across. Now, why a 'soft' sigh? If you're just wanting to emphasize the fact that it's quiet, I'd probably pick a different adjective; "soft sigh" to me is one of those various phrases/words that, while not overtly "Mary-Sueish" or perfection-indicating, does hint at those two (especially when more than one such phrase is used). Granted, my opinion is biased; I've read so many bad stories/roleplays that I have virtually no tolerance for marked physical beauty in stories even though it does exist in the real world.

Why did she want to work here in the first place? That was a question that Evangeline Hudgens had asked herself too many times.

"Ev H had asked herself that..." would avoid "that was".

It was true that she loved to help people and being a nurse was a good job to do that, but she wondered what the job would be like if she was actually helping people.

In this case I think that 'it was true' is actually okay, but the rest of the sentence is a touch wordier than it needs to be. "Being a nurse" could be "nursing" but doesn't have to be. There are many ways to phrase "was a good job to do that"--I'd prolly say "was [supposedly] a good job for that". The latter part I might change more to reflect the details of the situation--for example, "wondered what it would be like if the medical center had enough patients to give her actual nursing work instead of just sticking her at a desk."

In this boring old town, not many people needed the help that she wanted to give. Her violet eyes were glazed over as she excitedly thought about leaving this place. Not just the medical center but the town.

If this roleplay has something that explains why violet eyes could be normal, that's okay. Otherwise, "violet" is one of those hotlist words, especially when applied to eyes. Unless of course it's something like "violet eyes so bright and nauseating in their color he had to look away to keep from retching at the unnatural sight." XD

I would say "eyes glazed over" rather than were glazed--you get an interesting/active verb with the added bonus of scratching an extra word. Comma after but, I believe. An adjective like whole, entire, or altogether modifying town would make the second phrase a notch more... Easily absorbed by the mind? I'm not sure how to explain that one...

"...Eva...Eva....EVA!!" The booming voice quickly brought said girl out of her daydream and made her jump out of her seat. In doing so, she bumped into her boss, Mr. Snider.

One explanation point and three periods. You could combine these sentences--"jump out of her seat and right into her boss, Mr. Snider."

He was a very skinny man, with a very angular face, and big black eyes that made you wonder if he was a demon in disguise. His sleek black hair was always smoothed back with loads of moose and gel, not a hair out of place. He strived for perfection and you could tell by his very expensive suits, and leather shoes. Oh! How could one forget Mr. Snider's rather large nose that always turned slightly red when he was upset? Well, it wasn't hard to see how red his nose was at the moment.

The 'very's can be cut. "He was a skinny man with an angular face and big black eyes that made you wonder if he was a demon in disguise." I try to avoid those weird hanging comma things out of principal, so the second sentence I would probably reorganize to: His sleek black hair was always smoothed back with loads of moose and gel so thouroughly that not a hair fell out of place. The second person (you) in that next sentence should be avoided (making suits and shoes the subject of the sentence is one way to get rid of it)--and the very before expensive is not necessary, nor is the comma after suits. 'Slightly red' sounds a little odd to me for some reason--I'd probably do 'a little red' or just 'red' instead. Though it seemed to fit the first time around, the last sentence in that group actually feels a little out of place somehow... I don't know about that one. Just consider it, I guess?

"Um, yes Mr. Snider?" Evangeline smiled bashfully as she fidled with the hem of her skirt. Being under Mr. Snider's intense gaze made her extremely nervous and she never knew why. It just did.

Comma after yes. Fiddled. Comma after nervous. You could change that and after nervous to a though...

"You were daydreaming on the job, Evangeline...again" He informed her as he placed his hands on his waist, his nostrils flared angrily.

Space before again, comma after it. Uncap he. Does he normally call her Eva, Evangeline, or both for some reason...? That last part would be grammatically safer if you changed it to "...and his nostrils flared angrily."

"I was still paying attention!" She said defensively. What was he trying to tell her? That just because she was daydreaming she wasn't doing her job? If there had been something she needed to do she would have understood why he was so upset but, she was just supposed to sit there and direct people to the places they needed to go to!

That first she should be uncapitalized. Comma after "needed to do". Comma before that but, not after.

Mr. Snider snorted and glared at his laid-back nurse. "I had to call your name six times before I caught your attention. What if someone came rushing in with an emergency? A life and death emergency? Would you just sit there spaced out until someone smacked you out of it?"

Dis is goodeh ^^.

"Life and death emergency? I'm sorry Mr. Snider, but nothing bigger than a flu has ever happened here, and I doubt it would decide to happen now. And if it DID I would be ready, and waiting. Then again, I am only the receptionist, not an actual nurse! I wouldn't be authorized to do anything, as you have told me many times!" Eva hissed as she crossed her arms and sat back down to her desk and continued to doodle.

Comma after sorry. 'Bigger' is forgiveable since it's dialogue and that's just what she might say, but if it were in any other place I'd suggest a clearer, more detailed adjective. I don't think you need the comma after ready, though you might've put it there for how the speech'd sound... You've got two ands at the end there--better to be "...arms, sat back... desk, and continued."

If she had thought Mr. Snider's nose had been red before, she was mistaken. NOW it was red, if you've ever seen what a tomato looked like dipped in ketchup, well that was how Mr. Snider's nose looked at that moment. Evangeline's mouth twitched as she tried her hardest to supress the smile she wanted to let out.

The middle part can be consolidated a bit--example: "If she had thought Mr. Snider's nose had been red before, she'd been mistaken. It now resembled something like a tomato dipped in ketchup."

"MISS HUDGENS! I would suggest that you don't back-sass me, when I am only trying to inform you of a way to keep your job! As a matter of fact, please leave early today if you believe that you're not needed!" He shouted angrily.

No comma after me. "Of a way" could be rephrased with 'how', unless he really just talks that way. Don't capitalize that he before shouted.

Eva just looked up at Mr. Snider with an intense glare before dropping her pencil and standing up.

"Very well, I thank you for your generosity Mr. Snider. I shall be here tomorrow after noon after school is over" She informed him before strolling past him.

Those don't have to be separate paragraphs. Comma after generosity. Afternoon is one word unless you literally mean after noon. Comma after over but inside the quotations. Don't capitalize that she. The last 'him' of the sentence could be dropped altogether to get rid of the 'him' repetition, though it does technically leave the reader to determine 'past what'.

Oh the nerve of that man! He had just thrown a fit over her doodling on a piece of paper and daydreaming for 2 minutes! He took things much too seriously, and expected Eva to enjoy sitting there with a plastic smile on her face waiting for someone to come up to her. She was no Barbie doll!

Comma after Oh. Say two instead of 2. No comma after seriously. Though it's my writing style, I'd suggest adding an 'apparently' before expected. Comma after face. "To come up to her' could just be 'arrive' or something similar.

Eva passed a friend of hers who looked at her with a puzzled look. She only mouthed one word to her co-worker, for her to understand, 'Snider'. Her friend smiled sympathetically before assisting a patient on their daily walk. The young nurse grabbed her coat and tied it around her waist before walking out of the center. Her long blond hair whipped around in the wind before she grabbed it and pulled it together in a high pony-tail. Evangeline looked around and sighed, only a few little kids were outside playing. Nothing interesting...well...it's not like she was expecting anything interesting to happen.

Repetition of 'look' in that first sentence. 'who gave her a puzzled look' would work. I would adjust the second to something like "She only had to mouth one word--Snider--to her co-worker for her to understand." 'A patient' and 'their' don't agree--change their to either his or her. "Long blond hair" is another 'iffy' statement that I prefer to avoid. You have three sentences in there that involve "__ before __"--try for more variety. Ponytail is one word. The comma after sighed needs to be a semi-colon. Space before well, and I would change the second ellipsis to "Well, it's not like..."

Done! Ta-da ^^.

- Waves fanatically - God, this guild has expanded since 04 xO

n_n; Here, rate this please :3

Bearer of charcoal silver flashed hair, Trade, a slender young man enters the room. Quite below his ruffled hair are those particularly distinguishing crystal translucent deep ocean eyes, full of despair and anxiety.

Rather than playing the role of hero, his pessimistic remarks often give him a perplexing and perpetually melancholic expression which is nothing hard to admit when gazing into the seemingly emptiness of his pupils, as well as the depth and scope of his conversations.

Although a foolish man would consider this arrogance, Trade gives the impression that he hails from a higher plane of existene. His once piercing eyes, have gone gloom and rusty, as well as his swordfighting skills, though nothing to take at ease with.

Leaving a small trace of relief, he checks if his proof of being a warrior is still beside him, waiting impatiently and growing stale with that tint of blood at the smudged rough tip of his sole friend, but his defense can sometimes be an offense as sarcasm is portrayed in his witty answers

Finally, we must indicate that he volunteers no information whatsoever about his past other than his name, everything about him, including wether he even has any memory of his past, is sadly unknown as much as to you as to him... he has, evidently, no intention of looking back on such a past as his own.

To conclude, we can notice that his usual get-up is rather poverish and cheap. yet leaves an artist at gasp when set under the right time of the day. Nothing but a poncho-like wool rag, complimented with a sort of sprouting collar, can easily be mistaken for an over-grown cape. As for footwear, Buckle metal shoes, with latches that spread in pairs towards the one side to the other. Peculiar look for a wanderer, or is it?