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 Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 7:17 pm
Player:Versi Crestfold
Name:Nelenna Wesolyne
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Age: 21
Appearance: . Her figure overall is more that of a young adult, aged near 18 years, being slim and petite. She is about an average height, reaching around 5' 6". Her skin is not bleached pale white, like most Noblewomen, but has a pink-ish hue with a tan undertone to it. Her auburn hair is braided down the back of her neck, while she usually curls the uppermost part of her hair into small ruffles. On most occasions where she doesn't have to go to court she wears a modest bodice, consisting of a floral decoration woven into her velvet green vest laced in the front with a black lining. Her skirt is elegant in design, light and made for easy movement, the cream-white colored garment goes down to her ankles and has golden embroidery across its hem. Under her bodice is a pure white linen chemise, closed off at the wrist by cuffs, with a red silk ribbon adorning it's puffy white sleeves. Concealed within her bodice is a 'bodice dagger' found near her breast, it is more ornate and for show than for fighting, but it still has defensive properties. Covering the brown ruffles of hair on her head, is a large wide-brimmed hat, decorated loosely with ribbons and flowers.
Magic: None, so far.
Personality: Her personality is very bright and cheery, a result of learning to block out things she doesn't want to hear. Her parents believe she is fickle, from the way she changes constantly. She is very comfortable being around just about anyone, revealing that she really has no modesty at all. Many times her personality is looked down upon as being childish by other nobles and upper class men. Though being a Noblewoman she has grown up to be respectful and courteous, even though she doesn't like the feeling of being confined to a house by the court.
Often, she took walks alone outside of the city, to get away from the court and restrictions of nobility. Sadly this only stopped when she was berated by her father for not thinking of her safety. Her virtue had also been questioned by the court.
Spontaneous and fiercely independent she often acts on impulse rather than thinking out her actions beforehand. Many times she can be seen as a person happy with being alone, but she hides the fact that she wants attention.
History:[*Note*: She's not a PRINCESS! Which means she has daily affairs outside the castle, and is able to move about her own will. She is not confined to the castle.*]
A middle child in a large noble family, she grew up like anyone else she knew. Her mother handed her and her sister's over to a wet-nurse with a bevy of nurses to attend to them. The nurses taught them how to sew, clean, and weave. At the age of seven she was sent to a convent, learning the basics of language, music, writing, courtship, and even riding. Aging 14 she was taught more about the duties of marriage and courtship, committing to memory on how to take care of and defend the estate while the lord was away, the process of courtship, and the tasks of being a mother. She left the convent at the age of 16, finishing her studies as a young lady.
During the period while she was blossoming as a woman, her family had suitors ask for her many of them the same large, old, bootlickers looking to have their young daughter's hands in marriage. Though when she hit 'Adult-hood' she didn't find particular attraction to any of them, and her family, agreeing, declined their offers. During her more recent years, she had been stalling to get married, as she had never felt anything towards the men. Her mother addressed her and told her it was her duty to marry willingly and perform her role as a wife faithfully.
Unfortunately as she became older, she became more independent and was known to leave the estate alone, and soon it came under knowledge from the court that this was happening. As she had been coming home one day, she was subject to a 'jury' of men and women from other noble estates. Most of them reprimanded her, and told that her father should have kept better watch of their daughter. Many, especially the younger sires, demanded to know if she had forsaken her maidenhead. A couple thought to bring dishonor to their name, though her mother had quickly put this down to rest, as being "too harsh for a walk in the park". They quickly diminished any thoughts of her sacrificing her chastity, though it was ruled that she have a guard with her at all times, whenever she was to go out.
Many times after this, though, her father wouldn't allow her to go out, unless by special request of other nobles. She is currently on a trip to the port city of Caildin, to a specially requested marriage set up by both her parents, and the young Noble.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 8:11 am
"Many times she has been described as "enthralling" by the suitors that would come to her family[though the same could not be said for them]."
That part could fit in the history category and perhaps maybe show us how enthralling she is, and not tell us. Like "Her figure is that of a young adult which gives her a more youthful image unlike her relatives who grow too wide or too thin."
"Her skin is not a pale white, but has a certain color to it that gives her a beautiful natural look." So what's this natural look and how is it beautiful?
"On most occasions where she doesn't have to go to court she wears a very simple bodice, consisting of a green floral decoration woven into her velvet pink vest laced in the front with a black lining. The skirt she wears is also of a simple design, light and made for easy movement, the cream-white colored garment goes down to her ankles and has golden embroidery across its hem" It doesn't some "very simple" does it? Maybe you could say a "modest bodice."
For the Personality sections, I suggest giving examples to some of her traits. Like how is she fickle or why does she feel restricted? For this part, "Her virtue had also been questioned by the court, though her family had put a stop in the accusation quickly," maybe it could just end with "Her virtue has been questioned by the court." The places more emphasis on her personality and virtue rather than her family stopping it.
"she grew up quite normally." You just didn't want to talk about it didn't you? Haha. What was normal about it? Normal is a loaded word and it maybe different to people.
"she noticed something strange," what did she notice?
Weee...yeah early morning questioning!
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:16 am
Oh MAH HESUS! It's Euphoric ghost!!
Anyways, yeah-as I started to read what you wrote, I noticed that...the description kinda sucked, for what I've done before. Ah, well, first female character. I've gotta change some things, she seems alot like a Mary Sue after I've read it over.
A bunch of this stuff just seems thrown in hastily, my guess is just so that I could start the Rp earlier. I guess rushing a character isn't in my best interest. sweatdrop
Ah, you caught me, I didn't know how to explain her childhood years, and then I found that I didn't want to either. Though I have put some time and effort into researching the nobility and how they worked, and frankly a noble's childhood was extremely boring unless you were a male. Women were confined to their house, being cared for by their mother and other nurses until they were married. sweatdrop
So basically, I just rushed a bunch of this into a bad mold, I should go change it now... Heh, it's pretty bad. gonk
Oh, and Welcome back!! 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:56 am
Euphoric Ghost "Many times she has been described as "enthralling" by the suitors that would come to her family[though the same could not be said for them]."
That part could fit in the history category and perhaps maybe show us how enthralling she is, and not tell us. Like "Her figure is that of a young adult which gives her a more youthful image unlike her relatives who grow too wide or too thin."
"Her skin is not a pale white, but has a certain color to it that gives her a beautiful natural look." So what's this natural look and how is it beautiful?"On most occasions where she doesn't have to go to court she wears a very simple bodice, consisting of a green floral decoration woven into her velvet pink vest laced in the front with a black lining. The skirt she wears is also of a simple design, light and made for easy movement, the cream-white colored garment goes down to her ankles and has golden embroidery across its hem" It doesn't some "very simple" does it? Maybe you could say a " modest bodice." For the Personality sections, I suggest giving examples to some of her traits. Like how is she fickle or why does she feel restricted? For this part, "Her virtue had also been questioned by the court, though her family had put a stop in the accusation quickly," maybe it could just end with " Her virtue has been questioned by the court." The places more emphasis on her personality and virtue rather than her family stopping it. "she grew up quite normally." You just didn't want to talk about it didn't you? Haha. What was normal about it? Normal is a loaded word and it maybe different to people. "she noticed something strange," what did she notice?Weee...yeah early morning questioning!
xD Looking over it and changing it quite a bit, I noticed that what I first wrote was kind of creepy. So I changed it and just described her physical qualities, I like this version better, waaay less stalker-ey. I fixed everything in your suggestions and revised most parts of her. Now, after finding more about Noble childhood I wrote hers down! Or at least a small overview. sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 11:28 am
Welcome back? Haha thanks. I've been around for awhile now.
And yes, a criticism that actually resulted in something constructive. Haha, it kind of feels like not a lot of those who wanted to get some critiques on their pieces come back and do something with them.
I think your character is done. But hopefully someone else comes in and adds more constructive critiques.
Oh some little things in Appearance.
"The skirt she wears is elegant in design, light and made for easy movement, the cream-white colored garment goes down to her ankles and has golden embroidery across its hem."
What else would you do with a skirt but wear them right? You could make it more active by just going with "Her skirt is elegant in design..."
Maybe take out "she wears" in the other sentences as well, it's a given that we wear clothes.
The dagger is the odd one though because we don't really wear daggers, you could with "Concealed beneath her bodice and near her breasts is a an ornate dagger, used primarily for show than fighting but it still has defensive values." Something like that.
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 11:45 am
Euphoric Ghost Welcome back? Haha thanks. I've been around for awhile now. And yes, a criticism that actually resulted in something constructive. Haha, it kind of feels like not a lot of those who wanted to get some critiques on their pieces come back and do something with them. I think your character is done. But hopefully someone else comes in and adds more constructive critiques. Oh some little things in Appearance. "The skirt she wears is elegant in design, light and made for easy movement, the cream-white colored garment goes down to her ankles and has golden embroidery across its hem." What else would you do with a skirt but wear them right? You could make it more active by just going with "Her skirt is elegant in design..." Maybe take out "she wears" in the other sentences as well, it's a given that we wear clothes. The dagger is the odd one though because we don't really wear daggers, you could with "Concealed beneath her bodice and near her breasts is a an ornate dagger, used primarily for show than fighting but it still has defensive values." Something like that.
Anyways, I always check back to see if anyone's critiqued my character's, I would go critique others but I'm usually lazy and other times I don't really know what I should put. Dx.
Actually during my check on Nobles I read somewhere that it was very common for them to carry around 'Bodice daggers' that were placed in the bodice, somewhere. Here's a quote:
Bodice Daggers During the Renaissance, many women carried daggers of varying sizes for protection and for other, more utilitarian uses. Because they were sometimes worn in the "cleavage" they were often called "bodice" daggers.
This character, as you can see is for a more medieval setting.
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 11:49 am
Ah, I didn't know that. But I did thought about where a dagger would go thus I said breasts and not breast. biggrin Some women still hide things there.
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 11:51 am
Mhm. 3nodding
[edited again]
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