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 Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:35 pm
\ Drive by body pierce \ I fail at life.
Im 22 years old. I still live with my mother. I make $3/hr babysitting. I dropped out of high school when I was 17. I have no clear long term plans. So lemme give ya'll the background:
When I was in junior year I was moved from the town that I adored to a new one. I despised the school, and was pretty much a loner. I failed enough classes that by the end of the year I was looking towards repeating a semester at the very least. Then mum got a divorce from the hubby that moved us there...and we moved out to Arizona where her brother is. The school year here in Arizona was already out even though I had another almost two months left at the other school.
Come September my youngest brother was looking forward to 1st grade. Mum was working over 60hrs a week to barely meet the mortgage because she has a high risk subprime loan (11% and is paying 1.2k a month). School requires a student attended to at the bus stop by an adult. Odd hours of 10am-2pm. No afterschool programs would give her a break because she apparently made too much money (they didnt take into account cost of living. Oi). So it pretty much boiled down to me repeating the junior year..or dropping out so my brother could attend school.
I figured Id get my GED and take things from there. Years later I was fairly well reduced to free daycare for my mother. I figured 'ah what the hell' and started watching a month old babeh named Noah. Now he's a year old.
On the plus side, my free schedule allowed me to go to the UK for six months to visit my e-boyfriend. We've since broken up..and Im quite sure Im too strange to be compatible with anyone. Me = hermit cat lady.
Anyways. I was always a dork and socially inept. My time alone and mostly on the computer, or dealing with screaming children has left me, lets just say totally incapable of behaving like a cliche normal twenty-something person.
As for a career. My mother thinks I should do something like web design, writing fantasy books, or drawing/painting/game design. I dont want to go down that route. I wouldnt want a hobby I enjoy to turn into a full blown obligation to survive. I want to avoid mall-retail very very much. Its been hell on my mother and I dont think she gets any satisfaction from it..actually the constant drama I hear about is enough to give me a headache.
Im pondering massage therapy. But all the licensing and schooling needed is intimidating. Telephone support looks appealing. Y'know the simple 'is it plugged in' or the people you get when ordering something from a magazine. Plenty of lil companies popping up that let you work from home to counteract the surge of outsourcing of telephone support. I -almost- applied for a job with one such company before I started to watch Noah. Well, that and you need a quiet working environment..our household is the literal opposite.
So. There's my somewhat ramble of how confused I am about life and being an adult. I need to move out soon..and havent a clue how Im going to do that. Any comments or advice are whole-heartedly welcome.
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:53 am
If you love it, they degree will be worth it, and besides, you need one. smile
*huggles* good luck!
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:11 pm
That all? Sweets, you and I? We've been floatin' in the same boat for years. Lemme give you some of my background life, maybe make you feel better? Right; so here we go:
I'm only a year younger than you. My life? Far from that of a typical 20+ something year old. The only difference is I'd say.. is I forced myself to graduate; I had no choice. I know even in the long run if people would only care long enough during that time of said graduation, something over nothing. Still? All my life? I've been the type not wanting to be social; picked on since pre-school.. and just that type of girl whose there as people call it. I've gone from living with a mother who'd have habbit of putting her men over her children for sixteen years.. dealing with an abusive and for all i know much more than alcoholic father for a good majority. Then, being taken from my mother by my sister til I was twenty. Oh right, with promises that; "Life would be SO much better." However, due to since being little suffering through any type of abuse imaginable? I didn't believe it.
Sure enough, within my four years of living with my sister.. life bit; and hard. The only thing I had to do with my time aside from being in school two years longer than I should of been.. was being in front of a computer screen. She forced me to babysit her child, and due to the living environment we were surrounded with? I felt more than beyond unsafe even so much as stepping a foot outside the door. She claims places like that, even unsafe.. are MUCH better to subside in. I of course, knew it was nothing more than lies.. but what choice did I have? I just knew I had to keep going, even if no one else cared. None of my mothers children to date but me; EVER successfully graduated. I atleast wanted to try and make my mother proud, even if it took longer than needed - even if the life I had growing up as a kid was far from perfect.
So finally, I graduated. Actually? Just last year. During the whole month of May as soon as I told my sister of the good news; she was estatic - but as I said.. only for that short spell of time. Soon as I graduated? That was that. Actually, about two weeks after I graduated; s**t finally hit the fan. I'm the type of person, who no matter what's said - tries her best to keep her emotions in check; just because somehow? I find it respectable to atleast do THAT much. Somehow, enough was enough. My sisters poor-attitude was finally too much for me to even stomach and I snapped. I should mention, when I snap? Ohhh, I snap; and hard... like a turtle. Shark? Something that hurts when it bites or stings.
Things were said, and as mentioned due to past emotional abuse; whenever I do finally try and express myself? I cry, ...cry like a little girl. On top of that, being asthmatic? Nooot good. So, here I am; falling to the floor in tears gasping for air after she's more than done and said her piece to my statement. A friend of mine was on the phone at the time, and my sister grabs the phone; hangs it up. Never once do I hear; "Are you okay?!!" ...Long story short, i'm kicked out - I go to live with said friend on phone for about.. four months? Still, it was just far too much emotional drama; even with the new friends house. So then I made ammends [at the time] with an older friend I met in my first year of highschool.
Oh, we had to make ammends.. due to her stealing my boyfriend who she'd actually hooked me up with. As if you couldn't tell by now, i'm a hermit too. So even going so far as attempting to be social and make a friend or two; ESPECIALLY a boyfriend? Big steps, biiiig steps. Right well, I try my best; to keep myself in check... just friend her.. even though she's with him. I figure, . . . I can handle it. So I move from first friends house; to her house. I live with them for about; five months? During that time i'd hear: "Why are you living with your ex and supposed used-to-be best friend?" ...I could never get a solid answer. Well, as we go into month four.. things seem to fizzle out between said friend and ex. As it turns out? He still comes clean later on to say he still has feelings for me. I mean, during highschool; he and I dated for a good three years. Before I moved in with him and said friend; we hadn't seen one another in about three. So.. that long and he feels for me still as I do for him? It was a sign clear enough something needed to be accomplished. I mean, I wasn't so fond of dating to begin with; due to when I fall? I fall hard. Something about him when I fell for him, made me hang on. So they split up, but due to respect of it all; I at work one night.. decide perhaps it be best to go visit the friends house that I first used to live with; just to give the two some time alone.
...Okay, now i'm just rambling. Long story to the point of it all; I forget it's 4/20 and turn out now to be charged with contributing and furnishing to minors. I go in for my final sentencing [and who knows what'll happen then] on the 10th of next month. Basically? At that point, I just felt that night like my life finally collapsed around itself. There's that, and... i don't do so well with authority. My brother and sister do, from knowing them like the back of their hand all their life.. but due to my being a cat-hermit too? Well... then it's obvious why I freaked.
Lately I've just learned to concentrate on one thing to look forward to, no matter how desolate my life might feel or seem around me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I tell you all of what's been said just to let you know it's okay to feel alone; but nine times out of ten you're not.
Btw, Beck pwns. [[Add a y and it's my name, huzzah!]]
Get crazy with the cheese whiz!
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 11:52 pm
Thank you both for your replies. And thank you for sharing Gran. Its somehow comforting to know Im not alone in my strange lil situation. Ive pondered trying to be a roomie for my older brother. But he's having a plethora of issues with cocaine and alcoholism.
Looking at the roomie search on rent.com is pathetically like atypical dating sites. Its nearly enough to make me wanna keel over. Im commited to trying to get out on my own. Its damned scary and I feel like crying half the time. But like you said, gotta look forward even if its just for one thing.
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 12:22 am
Nearly a month later and nothings changed.
I dont know how to tell the lady I work for that I want to quit. I watch her child..and am pretty much a second-mother to the lil munchkin. I know she wont be angry or anything, but I am a huge help and she'll have a very hard time finding cheap daycare that caters to retail hours. A neighbor who watches kids told me she'd never ever watch a kid til 9:30pm like I do even if its only the one night a week.
Im still browsing on rent.com, but Ill probably need a roomie, and all their roommate listings seem to consist of "Omg Im going to ASU, I want some who can chill and PARTAY!' - Maybe paying the bit extra on my own will be worth it?
-Dies-
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