I'll tell you something that would make it really interesting, although you don't have to do it if you don't want to, it's only a suggestion.
It would make the whole thing more surreal and dreamlike if you would take out all the quotation marks. If you've ever read the David Pelzer series, beginning with
A Child Called it and followed by its two sequels, you'll understand what I mean. Just in case you haven't, though, I'll show you.
Quote:
Jason, please turn to page 219 and begin reading. The smarmy English teacher resembled something out of a Catholic school nightmare, bar the nun’s habit. She was too old to even remotely remember that her students were actual people; and she even came complete with a ruler.
Jason had been sitting quietly in the corner, battered headphones softly pounding and a book on Greek religious rites propped open in front of him. No, don’t call on me. Please, not today.
Jason. Mrs. Furei stalked over and slammed his precious book down. Turn those things off and open to page 219. Now. Teacher’s menace filled her words.
It gives the impression of being inside Jason's head, but disconnected from everything else, like in a dream where you know what the person is saying but you can't really hear it. But I would only use that for the scene with the English Teacher. When he wakes up in Hephaestus' lair, it's like waking up from the dream and you can hear things again. And in the beginning (which was a very powerful one, might I add) it shouldn't be so disconnected because the teacher is so happy and nice.
Like I said, only a suggestion, but if you've read the Pelzer books it all makes sense.
Oh and I like how you avoided the violence but still made the abuse as well as Jason's death emotional and, more importantly, well understood. I don't know if the Greek Tragedy was what you were going for, but I thought I might add that they never showed death onstage... they always had the chorus tell the audience what happened and skipped the death scene in every play.
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