Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'd really like an unbiased impression of a story I'm writing. I've got the prologue so far, and it's kinda short... in my opinion. Really, I just wanna know if it sounds reasonable so far... I'd give you guys the background on my ideas for the story, but then you wouldn't enjoy it so much if you read it! Anyone who'd like to know what's gonna be going on, though, can PM me... I really love to share... heart

PS, their names are Riku and Shona, and yeah, they are both boys. I've been watching a lot of anime over the weekend, I really felt they need more japanese names (and i know they aren't...exactly...japanese...) I might change their names later, because Shona sounds like a girl...
Also, please let me know how old you think they are here. I haven't decided yet.


They were arguing again. The twins, alone upstairs with their toys scattered across the floor where they’d left them, were huddled against the bed, holding tightly to each other. They could hear the escalating fight downstairs as Mother and Father ‘settled’ things.
“…Shona…” Riku whispered against his brother’s arm.
“We’re all right, Riku,” Shona answered, but he, too, was shaking.
Neither of them had seen Mother for three days. It had been another day like this, another argument like this when it had happened. A loud, resounding smack, quickly followed by another, then silence. They heard nothing after that but for the front door shutting a few minutes later. Now Mother was back, and Shona and Riku clung to each other, not really understanding what was going on.
Suddenly Mother stormed in with Father following right behind her. She ran across the room before he could stop her, kicking toys out of her way. She grabbed one of the twins by the arm and dragged him to his feet.
“You certainly can’t keep me from both my sons!” Mother cried, pulling the boy toward the door. Father quickly grabbed his other son, holding him tightly against his chest. The twins struggled to reach one another, crying, but neither parent would let go for fear of losing their son to the other.
Mother pulled her son out of the room, though he managed to grab onto the desk by the door with one hand, pulling something off and gaining no leverage. Mother pulled the toy away, and quickly they were out the door, in the car, down the street, while the lonely remaining son cried in Father’s arms.
Mother, in the car, threw the little bear her son had grabbed back into his lap as they drove. She had piled as much stuff as her husband would let her carry out of the house into the back seat, which wasn’t much because he kept trying to stop her to talk about the money that had disappeared from his bank accounts over the last three days, which now sat snuggly in a little box under the driver’s seat. She was letting him keep the house and the other boy, the least he could do was let her keep some of the money.
The boy in the passenger’s seat of the car cried silently in shock, running his hands over the little brown bear in his lap. It wore a neat blue ribbon around its neck, which read ‘Shona.’ It was part of a set, bought for the boys last Christmas. The other bear, laying neatly on one of the beds, had a red ribbon labeled ‘Riku.’
Mother looked down at him. “It’s all right, Shona. We’ll be all right now. Daddy will be all right, too. You and me, we’re gonna live together in the city now. We’ll have lots of fun together, and I’ll buy you all new clothes and toys.”
“…no…” he whispered softly, pulling the bear up against his chest.
“…No? What do you mean, no? Shona?! Talk to me!”
He cowered against the car door. “…no…I…I’m Riku, Mommy…not Shona…”

eek Where's the rest of it? *peeks under desk* There's gotta be more to such an awesome story! Where is it?!? That was a great start, but if I might point out one little thing- you've got the rest of the book missing here! I WANNA READ IT!!!!

Aww, those poor kids. I agree, they do seem to be around 5 or 6, not very old. Possibly even younger then that. Great beginning though ^^

crying *sniff* That was so... TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! whee You have talent my friend, you have talent! Man, I wish I could write that well! This rawks! Is there more? 4laugh

I loveee the second part! Amazing! There were a few spelling errors, but nothing major. I love the way you described everything, it was very good ^^