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 Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 12:26 pm
It's happening again... I'm slipping. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out. I want to toss my cell phone out, snap my internet card and devour wifi signals. I want to lay in bed and cry and call myself names and hate myself for being such a stupid person.
My mind is fighting with itself. I'm fat, ugly, stupid, immature, a jerk, a heartbreaker, an evil person. It all comes flowing at once. I don't want to feel like this but I don't want to bring others down either... so I sacrifice myself. sad
Please cheer me up. sad It's gotten to the point where I told my ex Keith that if he finds a cheap place that we can live in, I'll be his gf again. I've noticed I don't make changes until I'm forced into a corner... living with him would be a nice tight corner. *sigh* I wish I could be with Tommy emo
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 12:43 pm
*hug*I'm sorry PFF I wish there was something I could do but i dont really think there is anything. I have money on my cellphone again if you want to text me. 
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 12:55 pm
I'm sorry too...
but somehow I feel I deserve this. I want to be happy so bad that I think it's just not going to be possible. sad
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 12:59 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:18 pm
I can't help but think I was made for this. I was made to teach people to love, then rip it away from them to teach them to cope. My life will be an unending cycle of love and hate. The most painful. And when I die, I will relive it. I will relive every painful memory, every happy memory. And sadly, in a speeded succession, that is the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
That's what I felt when I had my panic attack. I saw my life flash before my eyes, over and over, I got the sense that when we die, we live our lives over and over. And thinking about my past and my future... I'm going to be in my own personal hell when I pass. I'm not scared of satan and firey pits of hell, I'm not hopeful for a big 'ol mansion and a seat next to god's throne... I'm in fear for a repetative cycle of disappointment. When you know the end, and you know it's not good, it's hard to enjoy any of the happy memories. emo
I really don't think anyone can understand my pain unless they've experienced that "life before my eyes" thing. I almost puked. My heart almost exploded. Emotions are the most painful and amazing things in this world. It can cause an actual PAIN in your body, and cause your heart to actually speed up, sometimes to dangerous speeds.
LIFE IS FULL OF EMOTIONS. LIFE IS EMOTION.
That's what I told my dad when I was inside my second panic attack. emo I fear I know too much for my age. It's depressing, to know the things I've discovered. I've learned more, but by learning more and knowing more than others... it doesn't make me smarter... it makes me crazier. By knowing more, I've discovered more questions than others. And I can't, for the life of me, find the answers. So instead of benefiting from the knowledge I have, I'm pained. My whole life is one ******** circle of pain. And yet I CAN'T QUIT! I promised myself I'd live it out. And I will. I'll torture myself till my life is over... then I'll relive it all again for all eternity.
*sigh* Stupid depression and crap.
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:32 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:35 pm
I don't know... I don't really feel like talking... unfortunately Keith has my laptop and I need to go get it so I'll end up talking to him. All I do is work and get bitched at and be loved then hated, loved then hated... I don't mean to bring others down... but isn't that a sad ******** realization? God I wish I never found this out. I've been cursed sad
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:42 pm
I love you and I dont hate you. I was sad the other day, not because of you, but i'm better now April cheered me up.
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:44 pm
OMG I just realized I can't get married or have kids. If I have kids, I'm going to royaly screw them up. I will ******** up their minds. I can't have a family! That's all I've wanted was kids. But once they start comprehending life... I'm going to ******** it up for them...
I'm crying at work sad
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:54 pm
you should give yourself plenty of time before having kids, your still young pff! Wait until you're older and mature.
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:05 pm
TheGreatShadowraven you should give yourself plenty of time before having kids, your still young pff! Wait until you're older and mature.
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:08 pm
all parents make thier kids lives unhappy one way or the other
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:24 pm
TheGreatShadowraven all parents make thier kids lives unhappy one way or the other
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:37 pm
aw pff i wish i lived in cali. so i could go see you and help you feel better. my friend mike to hes awsome he is my/everyones budah from my school he could make anyone happy no matter how ticked off or upset they were. he helped me thru both of my breakups w/ my first 2 boyfriends that and he helped me a bunch no matter what it was. lol hes a pretty spiffy guy. lol very lovable and everything. i'm here if you need me. i'll pray for you or whatever you need 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:45 pm
Sadly I'm so used to being the one to cheer others up, I don't like looking weak and in need of others... even though this is a blatent scream for help sad
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