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But I can't semm tog et it out of my head and have been searching for answeres wherever I can find them. I now understand a great many things but I still wonder about what I feel.

I have always considered myself straight and have (while occasionally of course, who doesn't?) never really looked at a guy in either a romantic or sexual way but lately I have been feeling a little differently.

Before I go into too mcuh depth let me give some background on myself. I'm a 17 year old male who isn't verys social but has a close group of tight knit friends that I would trust with pretty much anything. Many would call me a loner because that's what I look like to most people but really it is because I am too shy to start anything, a friendship or a relationship. Oftentimes they are forced upon me by circumstance. I'm not a poor people person when I do get to know someone (some would classify me as insane!) but otherwise I'm almost completely silent to others in school. Finally I have always been a fan of "chick flicks" despite my friends general disinterest and have shared similar feelings to any kind of sport.

Getting back to the topic at hand I was wondering if I may be going through some sort of change in reagrds to my sexuality. It all started when I started watching/reading anime/manga (as many things often do on Gaia) and while I started out with fairly normal shows I slowly started watching more BL shows. At first I justified it by saying that half of the male characters in these shows are girls anyway (which is still true to an extent) but I started being drawn to "harder" shows and am now in the Yaoi territory with hardcore shows like "Sensitive Pornograph" and manga like Lovely Sick and other things of the like.

I find these manga "attractive" in that way and often find them arousing when I think about them but my feelings did not really translate into real life. They were only characters. Not even real, live humans. I find myself reading stories (not just fanfic) that are very explicit and detail encounters between two males.

Again, I shrugged this off saying that the thought of sex just turned me on. Then recently I started looking at a few guys differently. It isn't all guys, just a couple. One I was afriad to approach for no real reason (at least I couldn't think of one) and the other I think is pretty hot but am somewhat shy around him as well. My thoughts drifted to being ina relationship with the second one. Both romantically and sexually especially. I wouldn't neccesarilly call it a crush per se but when I'm around him I can't get those thoughts out of my head.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Could it be that the idealistic relations between charcaters in the shows I watch (not just anime anymore) makes me want to experiment? Perhaps because I am somewhat of a loner I am broadening my spectrum to try and look for love from anyone? Or could it be merely because my hormones are raging and my body is desperate for sex? I really can't figure it out. It's not like I'm afraid of being gay or bi in any way but I'm just so confused. I still have greart attraction to females but am seeing an attraction to other guys as well.

I know this was a long post but any help or response would be greatly appreciated.