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 Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 7:17 pm
It's like a reminder from another time. What is this? A knife in my gut. Because I know what I did, and I know that I influenced her. And I know now that she can't erase me from her life, and I can't erase her from mine. I hate how it is over but not over. I hate how it is resolved but so unresolved. I hate our history, and how it won't go away. I hate the day I came and cried and spilled my soul like so many glasses of water, and how some of my soul stained her and is still there... it is still there. What I told her. What I showed her. I cried. She cried. Heck, we both cried. Then things changed.
There was H.
And she came. And she fought. She threatened, she bullied.
She hurt me. Marred me. Made me hate her.
Took S.
Kept me away.
And only now are the cracks being patched. We will always have scars, and for the next four years, we will be together a lot.
Whatever will we do?
I want H to go away. I can't express how much I hate her. How much I loved S, but what happened when she decided she didn't like me there.
How I hate people.
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Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 3:01 pm
It's like a dream, you know? Something I've never seen before. She is there. And I love her.
That's what makes it like a dream.
It's something I'm trying my hardest to understand. To sort out. To set myself upright and not go reeling off like a drunk.
Because it's making my world rock like a ship at sea.
Understanding is what I want the most, and I want to finally understand this. If only.
If only.
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Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 5:28 pm
WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT?
I'm confused, as always.
I hate it.
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Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 6:53 pm
NOW I KNOW THE MEANING OF RAGE!
I am rage. I am. I am. Who am? I am. Am. Am. Rage.
I am so angry I can't think anymore. I can't understand myself, and I can't understand the world, and it makes me angry. It makes me want to break things. Break everything I don't understand, until there's nothing left and I'm broken too, because I'm such a source of ******** it all. Things have to change. Or me. Or something, because I can't go on like this. I can't keep... I can't stay in the dark.
s**t. I'M BISEXUAL, WHY DOES THAT HURT ME? I'M NOT ASHAMED. IF ANYTHING I'M GLAD, AND I'M PROUD, AND DAMN, I KNOW WHY IT'S HURTING ME. IT'S BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE IS BI. AND EVEN IF THEY WERE... NOT EVERYONE IS IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND LOVES IT AND ALL AND THE UNIVERSE SO SO SO MUCH. NOT LIKE ME. BECAUSE I LOVE TOO MUCH. I love too much. I feel too much.
I LOVE HER! And it's making me break. I hate how this is so typical. So... it doesn't feel... I'm not... She... UGH. JUST... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. I WANT TO SCREAM SOMETHING SO ******** VULGAR THAT THE SKY IS OFFENDED BUT THIS STUPID LANGUAGE DOESN'T HAVE SUCH A WORD! SO... SO... DAMN IT ALL. I'M IN LOVE.
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Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 7:32 pm
cry
How I hate love. How I love love. It has me...
I can't have her. Because she doesn't... because she's not like... just because. But that doesn't stop the love, does it?
Every time I see her I search for something that's not there. I look for a sign, or a word, or some indication that my love can finally be returned.
She has me... wrapped around her finger. And she doesn't know it. How could she? She knows about me, and me and her, but she doesn't know how much it's hurting me.
Does she?
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Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 6:45 pm
For the first time in my life, I have the power to break someone.
I hold his heart in my hands. I could crush him, if I wanted. I could break him, hurt him, tear him apart, and make him come back. I have him.
I have him.
I don't want this power. I don't want to be the one who breaks him. Because when the time comes, I will hurt him. When I no longer love him, which will happen sooner or later, I will be the one to hurt him. I will hurt him. I will hurt him.
I'd rather that he hurt me. I don't want to be the one.
I had a dream last Friday about me, and a girl I know. I was cheating on him, and I knew it. When I woke up I believed that the dream had happened. I believed that I needed to break up with him because I loved her more.
I know now that I have a crush on her. Two people. I am dating one. I feel as though I am teetering on the brink of something dangerous.
And it's so stupid, too. She probably doesn't like me anyways. She probably doesn't even like girls.
But I can dream. I did dream...
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Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:40 pm
This is to hope.
Because I believe this can work.
And I know almost none of you think this can work.
But I believe.
Sorry if that's not okay with you.
And I'm sorry I hurt you. I really am.
But this is my life. My love.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
I'm sorry you spent hours crying the night before your English exam.
But I'm not good enough to put others first all the time,
and this is my love.
As it is, the situation is in limbo right now. Alex is halfway across the world for the next three and a half weeks. I wonder if he's going to any topless beaches? Ha. It doesn't matter.
I'm going to try my hardest to make this work.
I'm in love with two people.
I'm in a relationship with two people.
They both know about it and agree to it,
but somehow everyone who isn't involved wants to poke their noses into it, telling me this is wrong, this will never in a million years work.
Alex is my best friend's crush.
He never liked her that way. She never had a chance with him.
But then, that didn't stop me from taking her heart and tearing it to pieces.
I'm sorry that hurt her.
But I'm not good enough to put her first. Not all the time.
This is the bare truth.
As if I'm naked under the noonday sun, let whatever judgement the powers that be may have for me come down upon me now, so I may go on with my life in the best way I see fit.
I'm just trying to follow my heart as best as I can, man.
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