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 Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 3:00 pm
I know. I know. It's to short, my sentence sturcture is horrible but help please?
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The Caduceus files were scattered across the desk of the horror stricken nurse Angie Thompson. Tyler Chase appeared moments later as he tripped over the chairs located in Angie’s office due to his hastiness
“Is it true?! I thought we got all those bastards w-what happened?!” Yelled Tyler.
“I-I-I don’t know! I thought we defeated them all as well”. Replied Angie. “We have to do something! We can’t just sit around doing nothing! What are we gonna do!” Yelled Tyler.
Realizing her only option Angie, now with hot tears running down her cheeks, called the one man who could defeated them before, could eliminate the new GUILT, and the who one who saved her father. She proceeded towards the telephone located on her desk and dialed a few numbers and said…
“Get me Derrek Stiles.”
Over on the western coast of South Africa Derrek Stiles and a team of Caduceus specialists were on an assignment to help Caduceus Africa discover a new virus that has been affecting the African tribes in the area.
“Th-thank you for coming Mr. Stiles. We are happy that you have come to our assistance.” Said one of the doctors. “Oh please, with all due respect, call me Derrek. Mr. Stiles was my father.” Replied Derrek.
The doctor, slightly satisfied with Derrek’s positive attitude, and then directed them to the briefing room.
“P-please this way we must make haste.” Urged the doctor. “Is it me or is he a little uneasy?” asked Derrek to one of the Caduceus members. “Well remember you ARE famous.” Replied the member. “I guess your right but I still don’t like it. It makes ME feel uneasy…” he confessed.
Just as the group was about to walk through the door into the briefing room; one of the doctors stopped Derrek. He passed Derrek the phone and told Derrek that Angie was on the line.
“She probably was calling to see if I made a safe lading.” Thought Derrek. “Hey Angie I’m alright if your wondering.” He said. “Derrek this no time for games you need to get back here now!” yelled Angie. “A-angie what happened?” asked Derrek. “I-I don’t know how it happened! I-I-I just need you here!” said cried.
“Angie!” he yelled.
“I thought we won I thought it was finally over!”
“Angie!!”
“How could they do this? Th-th-they’re only children! WH-wh-why-“
“ANGIE!”
She began to bawl out loud. She couldn’t take it. All it did was bring back those horribly painful memories that she never wanted to experience ever again.
“Angie! You’re going to have to tell me WHAT HAPPENED?!” he urged. “Derrek…” she hiccupped. “They attacked the children home Derrek! They’re only little kids! They’re new borns there! They can’t do anything to them! They’re monster! They’re freaking monsters! How can they release a new strain of GUILT on them?!” Angie revealed.
Derrek was devastated by those words. He couldn’t believe that the battle he fought for so long was still not finished. The other doctors were looking him now. Derrek noticed they were staring to and also stared...
But it was at something ENTIRLEY different. On the LCD projection screen there was video footage of the virus that was infecting the African tribes. The other doctors may have suspected it but Derrek knew full well what that was. It was a GUILT…And it was ALSO a new strain. Derrek only option was to tell the doctors and go back to the U.S. and save those children.
“Sir! The patients are all going into starting to go into Cardiac Arrest! There is also have Hemorrhaging along the Intestine and some are even coming down with Peritonitis! We don’t know what to do! We have to operate now!” yelled on of the nurses. “Damn! I have to get back to Angie but I can’t let these patients die! What am I going to do?!” thought Derrek.
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 1:40 pm
To start off, this is a very good start to a fanfic if you ask me. As a reader of many kinds of fiction I can honestly say you've grabbed my attention.
A few notes to help your writing:
First off, grammar wise you seem to be fairly good, but starting out with characters talking to each other you use periods.
For example:“I-I-I don’t know! I thought we defeated them all as well”. Replied Angie. “We have to do something! We can’t just sit around doing nothing! What are we gonna do!” Yelled Tyler.
Angie's second sentence should have a comma before the quote and then replied should be lower case. End the whole shebang with a period.
Also, to lengthen your story, add more detail, involve other characters even made up ones in the chaos of this new strain of virus. Description is everything, describe the hospital, describe the African village, you don't have to go overboard, but you could describe the nurse's office, the plane trip and what Tyler was thinking, the suffering seen in the village, that all adds to the experience of the story.
Sorry if I've written alot, I see much potential in what you've written, I'm simply trying to help you make it better. mrgreen
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 6:52 pm
Thanks!
Atleast you replied, and gave me advice.
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 9:42 pm
Advice is always helpful, unless someone is simply criticizing your work. Criticism can be good if there is advice, but I hate people who simply say they don't like a work and don't give reasons. I also have a fic, and would be honored to have you read it and tell me what you think.
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Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 9:00 pm
The concept is interesting, just fix the grammar mistakes and it should be fine.
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Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:33 pm
I would be honored if you read my fic that's up in the forum and tell me what you think. I appreciate any thoughts as well as they are explained! Keep working on your story too, I know you'll do well.
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