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Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but then again, who's really watching?

Q: How many alto saxophone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll go through a whole box of them before they find just the right one!

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, there's a machine to do that now.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbuld?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

Q: How many floutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six--One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.

Q: How many french horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--they hold it up and the world revolves around them!

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three--one to hold it up, and two to drink until the room spins.

Woodwind Jokes

Basoon Jokes

Q: What makes a basoon better than an oboe?
A: The basoon burns longer.

Q: What's the difference between a basoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!

Clarinet Jokes

A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/lb
Tuba Brains $10/lb
Percussion Brains $5/lb
Clarinet Brains $100/lb
He asks the butcher why clarinet brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose!

Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an onion!

Q: Why do clarinetists put their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Why do oboists put their oboes in clarinet cases?
A: So they won't get stolen!

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do a clarinet and a law suit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
A: Confused.

Flute/Piccolo Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two floutists playing in unison.

Q: What's the difference between a floutist and a seamstress?
A: A seamstress tucks the frills.
(now switch the t and the f and you'll get it)

Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible.

Oboe Jokes

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his tuner.

Three oboes play in tune the same way three men keep a secret.
(You know, the proverb, "Three men can keep a secret if two are dead.")

Saxophone Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a dead saxophonist and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks infront of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: The neighbors get upset when you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

You know what oboes are good for?

Kindling for bassoon fires.

Q-What do you call a gentleman?
A-A man that knows how to play the trombone but doesnt.

Q: How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
A: He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

Q: Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?"
A: The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!"

Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

Q: What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: Year-at-a-Glance

Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A: 1. Vibrato.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

Q: How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: 1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.

Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
A: An optimist.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What's the best kind of trombone?
A: A broken one!

Q: What do you call a trombonist with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
(Hey! I'm in Gifted!!)

Q: How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
A: Take your foot off their head.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual comments.
(way to true)

Q: How many trombones does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he will do it too loudly.

Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!"

Q: What do you call a trombone player in the street?
A: A beggar.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving a car and a trombonist driving a car?
A: The frog may be on his way to a gig.

Q: What does the trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
A: "You want fries with that?"
(My section leader and I do both work at McDonalds...)

Q: You are driving down a street and your director and a trombone player are crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first?
A: 1. Your director. Business before pleasure!
2. Who cares?!

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Top Ten Reasons To Play The Trombone
10. It doubles the flow of testosterone
9. Chicks dig the big cases
8. It's shinny!!!
7. Works as a lightning rod
6. Tastes like chicken
5. Slides nicely when lubricated
4. Scare's away the neighbor's cat
3. Outblows any woodwind
2. No batteries necessary
1. It's the only instrument that doesn't suck

Q: What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?
A: You could have fit more trombones in it.

Q: What's the difference between a trombonist and a mouse?
A: The mouse actually gets some attention.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss even more notes.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound better?
A: Run it over with a lawnmower.

Q: What's the first position a trombonist learns?
A: Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.

Q: What's the difference between a trombone section and a saxaphone section?
A: The Trombone's weren't meant to sound like 2 cats in afight, but they do.

Q: How many trombone players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: One if you spread him really thin.

Q: how do you make a trombone player drive faster?
A: Take the pizza sign off the top of his car.

Q: Why did the trombone player cross the expressway during rush hour?
A: Good question.

A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says,"Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone." "Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!!!"

Q: A trombone player walks past a bar.
A: Could have fooled me!

Q: What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"

Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.

Q: How many lessons does it take to teach a beginner trombone player to play a note?
A: Two, One to learn how to put it together and the second lesson to learn how to blow into it.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

i barely got any of the trombone jokes...