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 Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 10:44 am
Does anyone else have in-laws so overwhelming you feel suffocated? I am 21, just had my first baby, she is 6 weeks old. My bf and I have been doing some hard research on how we want to raise our daughter, and everything we seem to say about it to his mother and step father, they turn around and do the exact opposite! Now, thank god we live 5500 km's away, but this is driving me insane.
We mentioned that we did not want Emily in a playpen. They seem like little baby cages, and I don't like it. Our home is baby safe, and she has tonnes of blankets on the floor so she is well insulated. The bf's mother and step father went and bought a playpen and mailed it to us because "its wrong that an infant lays on the floor." She doesn't all day long, she has a swing and an infant rocker and we go for walks, she spends a lot of time cuddling with me or her daddy.
When they asked if I was going to breast feed, I told them no I wasn't. I did not produce any milk until 3 days after Emily was born, and I just didn't trust myself to eat well enough to provide her with everything she needs. I felt that formula would guarantee her what she needs to be happy and healthy, and so far it is working. Well, the MIL sent up a breast pump, storage kit, and all kinds of other junk. How nice. More crap I have no where to store.
Now the biggest issue. We are against any form of corporal punishment. We feel that by talking to Emily and telling her firmly "NO, that will hurt you." or something along those lines, will teach her as well as hitting her. Of course, remove her from the situation too and occupy her with something else. The MIL has made it very clear that she will not abide by our terms of punishing our daughter, and when Emily does something wrong, she will spank her. This is really overwhelming to me, and has me at the point that I don't want to leave Emily unattended with her grandmother. My parents are paying for my bf and I took fly home with Emily so everyone can see, but I am dreading bringing Emily to my MIL's house.
She does not believe in an infant diet, and thinks that at 6 weeks old they can start on mushed up solids. She expects that we will leave Emily in her care over night, and I just don't want to. I am worried for Emily's well being. For one, they will put her in a playpen and leave her there until she is screaming. They will not let her crawl around (she'll be 6 months old when we go to visit), and they will not feed her properly. She will not be cared for the way we would do it and I am worried that this will have a negative or backwards effect on our own methods.
Any suggestions on how I can tell the inlaws that they won't be seeing Emily without me and the BF present without being too mean?
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 12:38 pm
It sounds like they are in no way interested in being supportive of you as parents, and in fact they're being very confrontational about it themselves, so I can't think why they would be surprised you don't want to leave Emily with them. Granted, I'm sure they will be anyway...
Simply tell them there are too many people who want to visit with you and meet the baby, and that everywhere you go you'll need to have Emily with you. If they get very direct about why *exactly* you can't let them have your baby for an overnight visit, simply tell them you aren't comfortable leaving your baby alone at such a young age. You are also at this point completely entitled to state frankly that you aren't comfortable with how they have said they intend to treat your daughter.
That said, who the HELL do these people think they are to tell you in advance that they will be taking your small child overnight, and that they intend to spank her when they want, feed her foods you feel she is not ready for, and otherwise treat her as they please? Emily is your daughter, and you have stated some very reasonable preferences for the treatment of your child. If they can't get over the fact that this is not their baby, and that they might have to listen to someone else's rules, then they certainly are not adult enough to look after a young baby by themselves.
Good luck with the visit. If they give you any grief at all about not letting them have your baby to themselves, feel free to not visit them at all. After explaining once, you don't even have to talk to them about why. Just don't go. If they haven't figured it out after a while, that's their problem. You don't have to be nice to them while they figure out that they are grandparents and that part of being a grandparent is letting the child be raised by someone other than themselves.
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 2:08 am
I had a lot of differences of opinion with, especially, my mother-in-law. I was lucky in the fact that my husband did most of the negative interacting with them and stuck up for me. It seemed to be more of a real "no" when it came from him in no uncertain terms than when I said no.
I nursed all five of my children for a year each and so had the wonderful excuse of saying I couldn't leave them for the first year.
I felt that I always needed to REALLY listen to everything they said and then let them know I understood what their point of view was. Then it didn't seem to offend them so much when WE (my husband and I) chose something different because they were more likely to listen to why we chose what we chose. I have learned that there are often things that are not necessarily right and wrong, but just honest differences of opinion, but there are some things that you need to take a stand on because they really are right and wrong. Quite often I would ask myself if it would make a difference in 1, 5, or 10 years and then decide where to go from there.
Good luck and remember to keep hubby in your corner and posted and help him to be the "man of the house" and stick up for what the 2 of you have decided is best for your little family.
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 8:40 am
Oh my gosh! When I read your post I felt like I had wrote that myself! My daughter is a year old now but from the very beginning my MIL had butted in. I had a decent job making decent money, but when we found out we were pregnant she insisted we come live with her. She said that we could save our money. She had always been so sweet to us that I never in a million years thought that anything bad would happen. Shows how much I know! It started out with small things. Like you should eat this or not eat that. Then I had to sit in the backseat of the car! I had to quit my job because the smell of food made me want to vomit. ( i worked at domino's )she made me sit down all day. I couldn't do any house work. I just sat. Well 9 months later.....
Kansas Victoria was born. First off she hated her name. She wanted us to name Kansas after her.... not gonna happen! I would dress the baby and then she would scold me about her outfit. "It's too cold out there" " Put a another sweater on her" It was 70 degress! (F) I too gave my daughter formula. My nipples wouldn't stick out. (or something like that) Besides I hate anything touching my nipples. So she went out and bought me a breast pump! ...I had to go out and buy formula one night so I asked her to babysit. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! I quietly entered the house, walked into the front room and my daughter was on the the floor crying. She was no where in sight! So I went back to the garage and loudly shut the door. I waited a few seconds then walked back in the front room and she was on the floor playing with the baby. I never mentioned it to her because we were living with her rent free! But I did tell joe went he got home from work. I told her I didn't want my daughter to wear any black clothes. We got a dress, a one piece and 2 pairs of pants. Needless to say she never wore them. She is constantly giving my daughter food I do not want her to have. let's see... there was yogurt, bacon, and oh yes a STICK OF BUTTER!! i walked in to the kitchen and my daughter was chowing down on butter. She was like "she wanted it! " I never say anything to her because she is not my mother. But Joe will tell her like it is.
I personally get alot of crap too. She is always mentioning to me about how fat i am. i'm 5 foot 4. i am 200lbs. She is always like "here Audra I lost some weight I can't wear these pants anymore" they should fit you. She's not skinny either! she wears a 14. i'm a 16! she said something to me one day that pissed me off so bad I finally told her that! We were moving furinture and her BIL was there helping. She said and I quote" I'm not lifting this. let the big people move it!" Her BIL is a big man. we just looked at each other then we let her have it . She actullay calls me fat at least once a week. She is so inconsiderate! I personally think she doesn't have a conscience. there is nothing there to stop was she thinks from comming out of her mouth! we are planning to move out in Nov. Wow I feel better now.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:06 pm
OMGSH! I hate my in-laws, they act like they just want to take my daughter((when shes born)) and raise her. ..... oh it drives me nuts! I would really like to be able for me and my boyfriend to have our OWN experiance but they are sooo RRRAAARRR!!! gonk and always teling us "you have to do it like this" or "she needs to sleep in a crib at first" (( when i already have a cradle))...just stuff like that, drives me mad... I know how ya feel. rolleyes
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