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 Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 8:21 pm
Alrighty, this will probably be long, sorry!
I was blessed by finding a guy who is incredibly sensitive and sweet, and I love my boyfriend very much, but we differ quite a bit. I don't remember this being an issue before I got pregnant, maybe my being pregnant made him feel more connected or bonded to me... and maybe my pregnancy and post-partum hormones have made me feel this way (though I think it's "normal" for me) but for a while now I've hung up the phone with him feeling insensitve and really quite bad.
If he's gone for more than half an hour, he misses me. I don't feel the same way. I think I might just be more independant, but I could probably go a few weeks without seeing him and not miss him. It works the same with most of my friends and family... and I honestly can't recall missing anyone, really. I mean, as long as I talk to the person frequently, I'm good, that connection still works for me.
But EVERY time we talk on the phone, he winds up saying that he misses me, and I can tell by his tone that he's expecting me to say "Oh honey I miss you too." I used to say it a lot, but I kind of felt bad because I was flat out lying, so I tried to switch it up by saing "Thank you" or "Aw, thats so sweet" but he ALWAYS sounds really hurt unless I say specifically that I miss him.
I want to explain it to him, but... I don't know why I'm 99% sure that he'd just wind up offended and take it as a clear sign that I don't love him... it's just the kind of person he is I guess. Does anyone know of a way that I could go about telling him that I don't miss him without offending him? I'm getting sick of feeling like a shitty person every time I end a phone conversation emo
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 8:33 pm
That one is really tough. There have been times my husband has said 'I love you' and I just don't feel like repeating it for whatever reason (usually moody after a disagreement or whatever) and he seems hurt. Only thing I've been able to tell him is that sometimes you just don't need to say those words, doesn't mean they're not true. Doesn't mean you don't feel them, just you don't feel the need to state them all the time.
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:10 am
Some of this could still be hormones and readjusting again. I know for months after having Ethan, I was still very cranky and things that wouldn't normally bother me would get to me more then they should have and then I'd feel bad for letting them bother me.
I had to think a bit about this because it's a sticky issue. Be forewarned I may need to write a novel here.
On the one hand, I believe anything done in the wrong spirit, in this case, saying "I love you," or "I miss you," with the expectation of something in return, is wrong and shouldn't be forced on another person. I understand that we all need reassurance that we're loved and needed from time to time, but a constant demanding need for it belies a greater self esteem problem. Something that isn't fair to impose upon you, nor is it your responsibilty to give him his self esteem and validation. Until he can validate himself, he'll never be happy no matter how much you say it and will just need to hear it more and more to get the sense of relief he gets from hearing it. He seems very insecure in his standing with you and how you feel about him. When you have a discussion with him, I'd try to get to the root of that and find out why he seems to uneasy about how you feel about him. Does he feel he's not worthy of someone else's love and questions it? Or is it that he genuinely feels that you don't say it enough?
On the flip side, I also feel that when possible, one should be sensitive to the needs of their partner--within reason. However, if he needs to hear, "I miss you," practically any time you run out to go to the store, I would argue that isn't reasonable.
I think having a talk is the best way to deal with this, but I'm not sure what the best way is to approach him about it. I would try to find out why he's so insistent you have to tell him you miss him, and find a way to kindly tell him you can't miss him if he doesn't give you a chance to. Would it be acceptable if he tells you he misses you for you to say something you mean, like "I love you too," instead? You shouldn't have to lie to keep him happy and that can't possibly make him feel good either. When you do talk to him, I'd make sure you let him know that you understand how he's feeling before getting to your points. For example, "I understand that you miss me when I'm gone, but I feel uncomfortable telling you I miss you back when I haven't had a chance to yet. I feel pressured to do so because I'm afraid you'll be unhappy if I don't. I don't want to lie to you but at the same time, I don't want to make you feel unloved or unwanted."
sweatdrop I wish you luck with this.
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:23 pm
Good points, Dirge.
Has he always been like this or has this increased after the birth of your baby? I know it's not uncommon at all that some men feel a little out of the loop emotionally sometimes (I'm going to go ahead and n** the whole "Have sex so he can express his love" stuff right here, unnecessary). He may be having a hard adjusting as well, on top of your own physical and emotional adjustments you, yourself, are going through.
While that gives insights, I don't think it means you should grudge through it. I think the BIG thing here is communication. I totally agree with Dirge that these phrases and expecting something in return.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's so much I don't miss my husband when he works/goes out/etc. but maybe explain that the overuse of phrases and not understanding that even as couples, we NEED time to ourselves to function cheapens the "misses" and "I love yous." It does present a problem if he's being this needy with something small, I can see potential problems say, if you went away for a week or two.
It does sound like he has some esteem problems and using you for validation through words. It is a toughie, but I would advise talking to face to face on this discussion if possible. I say the sooner the better too. It's a tough and delicate situation, I hope it goes well.
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 9:06 am
Thank you, I'd never really pegged it as a self-esteem thing but it makes sense.
I got pregnant not too long after we'd started dating, just a few months, though we'd known each other for over a year. Before I met him he'd been engaged and was cheated on, which caused a lot of problems when I lost my sex drive during pregnancy. I understood his difficulty with it, but it did feel overwhelmingly unfiar to me in a lot of ways... thankfully that whole ordeal is over. But when I did get pregnant he started calling to "check in" a lot more than he ever used to, which makes sense. I don't remember when the insessant "I miss you's" started, but it was definately while I was pregnant.
I realize that I will have to talk to him about it, I just don't know how to bring it up sweatdrop A lot of the times when he says it, he's at work, and I definately wouldn't want to start the conversation then! I think I had tried talking to him about it quite a few months ago, that I just don't really "miss" people that easily, and he really didn't seem to get it. I'll have to try again though...
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 12:22 am
I'm the same way. I'm not insensitive. It's just that when I am not with someone, I tend to just think about other things. My husband will sit around and mope about how much he misses me when I travel, whereas when he is gone I tend to just do other things. It's caused a few problems, but we've thankfully come to terms with the fact that we're just different and that's all there is to it.
Now, what worries me is that he's checking in with you. What's the nature of this checking in? Is it "I wonder if she has another guy over" or "I hope she's doing OK with the baby and maybe there's something I can bring over to help"? If it's the first, that's very scary. I can totally appreciate that the guy has had bad experiences in the past, but that's just not fair to you.
If it's the latter, that's rather sweet. Perhaps instead of starting a fight when he actually calls, wait until you two are together for a bit. Then bring it up and maybe say that during the day you just want to get things done and that, while you appreciate his concern, it's much easier on you to be able to just focus and get done what needs to get done.
But I really don't know. It's hard to judge from an outside perspective because the stuff you've described can be interpreted in such widely different ways. That being said, though, I am rather worried that you said he caused problems when you lost your sex drive during pregnancy because he had been cheated on in the past. Does he not know that some women react in that way to pregnancy? And even if pregnancy wasn't the cause, your sexuality is your own. I don't think you should be made to feel like you HAVE to put out or you will arouse his suspicions...
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:50 am
He checks in to make sure we're ok. I think he got over his suspicious stage, but it was really hard for a while. I tried explaning it to him, that the hormones changed things but for a while it seemed like he just couldn't (or wouldn't) believe it. Thankfully it didn't last through the entire pregnancy... but it did do some damage to the relationship, at least from my part. I don't think I've forgiven him entirely for it...
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 10:17 pm
Just remember, emotions intesify horribly through a pregnancy, so you were both massively affected my the pregnancy. Not to mention its a big change to your relationship, so he's probably a little unsure in himself more than you as a couple.
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