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 Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 11:41 am
Well, my husband begins his job next week and he's really eager to move out from under his mothers roof. I can appreciate why. I'm the first bearer of a grandchild for her and we feel kind of pressured and don't have too much privacy.
However, his first suggestion would have been to move into his friends basement which I was not comfortable with. Not only would we have been cleaning that thing up forever, but as I get bigger, I don't think I could deal with heaving myself up and down the stairs.
So the decision has been made to find an apartment in the cities closer to his job, but we'd share with his best friend who is also wanting to move out from mothers wing.
I've had friends telling me this is a bad idea and I have a couple of issues that I'm worried about. (His friend is single and likes to stay out late drinking.) And we'd probably be in that apartment for a good time after the baby is born too. I'm due in August sometime.
So what do people think? Should we go for the sharing option or find a place of our own?
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Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 12:40 pm
If you feel drinking and behaving in ways that are not going to mesh well with your life are an issue, I wouldn't share with that friend. Because I can see a lot of things going wrong, including, but not limited to, his wanting to be able to be noisy and live the way he wants which doesn't work with baby and perhaps being upset if your child is awake and crying all night and interrupting his sleep. And in either of your cases, I could understand being upset that your life is being affected by someone else.
If possible, I think you guys should push for your own place. You have time to keep an eye out and explore your options as well as start tucking some money away when your hubby's job starts. I wouldn't rush into it so you can find the right fit. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 4:23 pm
I totally agree with Dirge. The other problem with sharing with other people is what if they break on the lease on you? I've known many of friendships that have been broken or heavily stressed by cohabitating together. I think the addition of a newborn baby with a roomie who does not have children and leads a different lifestyle are bound to clash.
No need to rush and at least staying with his mother you guys are saving some money. I know it's not easy at all when you stay with family, but in the long run, I think having that many less bills until at least after the baby is born will help you guys tremendously.
Hang in there!
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Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:08 pm
Yeah, I keep trying to explain we're better off here. I mean, she even pushes to cook our meals and wash our clothes for us! Living away from that means more chores for us. Only reason we really need to move is that his job is a 2 hour drive away.
But he's planning a date of two months! I thought moving to America was different enough, but moving into my own place so soon is like, freaking me out.
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Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 11:21 am
When I was first moving in with my husband and away from our parents, our first thought was to share an apartment with a close friend of his. My mother took me aside and said "Don't. The last thing you want as a couple is to be sharing an apartment with a single friend. It's just too many relationships under one roof."
It's one thing with his mother, she's part of the family. Even if she isn't part of your new nuclear family, she is still family. That would be totally different with a friend - even a very good friend. And while you may feel that his mother is stiffling you now, I think you will find that your relationship will be just as stiffled with a friend (I don't know your husband, but many men feel the need to put on a bit of an act around friends and that can get very frustrating).
Also, as other people have said, the friend probably isn't considering what he would really be getting into. Having a new baby around, NO ONE will be getting sleep. Is he ok with that?
Not to mention that, as long as you trust your mother-in-law, having her in the house around could be a huge help when you have a new baby. I've had friends who have talked about how they are just too tired to cook, do laundry, even just to shower. Having her around and offering to do these things could really help out - not to mention the babysitting.
I totally understand how you and your husband feel. Living with parents is NOT condusive to feeling like you have autonomy over your life and, from the sound of it, you are probably in your early 20s and craving that independence. But I really think that from your perspective and from your husband's friend's perspective, staying put for now would be the best thing. At least until you can afford an apartment on your own.
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 2:21 pm
Akhakhu Also, as other people have said, the friend probably isn't considering what he would really be getting into. Having a new baby around, NO ONE will be getting sleep. Is he ok with that?
I'm worried about the fact he's single and may have friends over or girls over at who knows what time, and while I can deal with that up until I give birth, once the baby arrives, he's practically part of the family if he likes it or not.
The only problem with still living with mom is that I'm feeling quite pressured about this child as it's her first grandchild. And there is another issue. She has a mentally (and physically) disabled daughter who is 27 years of age and has the mentality of a 7 year old. We were at a party yesterday and she was kind of heavy handed with one of the young children. I'm slightly worried that she'd treat a newborn like a doll. Hoping this won't be the case, but it's one of the fears I have.
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 6:57 pm
We have a friend who's in a similar situation, except that he's the "friend" instead of the couple with the child. He's sharing a house with his brother, his brother's wife, and their child, as well as another childless couple. They do that to keep the bills down, and for practical purposes it works, but he and the other couple are constantly complaining about the child, not just because of noise but also because the child is at a mobile age now and frequently gets into their personal belongings.
I'd basically sit down with your husband's friend and really consider whether or not he's willing to put up with some of the other problems or frustrations that can arise from living with a small child, since noise doesn't seem to be an issue. Also make sure that you can live with his lifestyle. If there are any kinks it'd be better to find them now and either work them out or find an alternative to sharing with this friend before you actually move in and potentially end up with a roommate that drives you crazy.
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 12:17 pm
My husband and I are in a similar situation, minus the friend. We've been living with my Grandma since we got married last August, and have been having trouble finding a place of our own. Now that the baby has been born, she is hounding me with outdated advice and constantly checks on me to see if I'm properly taking care of the baby. stare
I would highly suggest saving up money to find our own place, though. Living with a friend isn't all it's cracked up to be. Especially seeing as how your friend has such a different lifestyle than your own. Once that baby is born, things will be a lot harder for all of you because you'll be exhausted and won't want to be disturbed, the baby'll be exhausted, and your roommate coming home at late hours could seriously stress you, and that stress would build into tension, and a war could possibly ensue.
Just because your friend can't hear the baby doesn't mean that you and the baby won't hear him, and if Mama doesn't get her rest, there would be Hell to pay!
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