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 Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 2:34 am
Some of you might remember that last year I was having maternal pangs and my husband kept saying "Not yet." Well Here is my update:
If you do not remember that thread, here is basically how it ended. Quote: From feb 2006 thread: Update thingie... So, we have actually talked more about it. He says if he gets promoted before the end of this year, that he would love to start trying for a child at the beginning to middle of 2007. I am good with this . I can see why he doesn't want me to be with-child when we visit his parents. His uncles are throwing us a first year anniversary party in Mexico and he wants me to be able to Part-eh and not feel left out. Other than that we are going to start a hope-chest. My mother sent me things from when I was a baby. My first nightlight, my first music thingie (it twists, plays music and spins), and a picture of a teddy bear that was in my nursery when I was a baby with the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer on it. I think it's a good start. All of it is 20 years old though.
He changed his mind again. Infact, he says he does not remember agreeing to trying in 2007 and said that "We will see." However, I remember something completely different. And I am so upset because many of his "reasons" have already been met. He is getting promoted in March and we've lived in this house for over a year and we are well settled. I am still in college, but it wouldn't be difficult to finish up quickly with a baby. Many of the classes I have left are offered through the internet.
I am so mad because I feel like... well crap. I got my hopes up and now they are just broken. When I brought it up, I felt so guilty that I couldn't see it the way he does. He just says "Not yet, wait till you are finished with college and have a good job" I do not want to be 26 or 27 or even 30 when I have my first child. I am not gauranteed to get that high paying job right when I graduate, it could take years of lower work experience first.
So, I looked up things on how to get rid of this feeling. One suggestion was to get a dog. So, I asked for one. His excuse for this was that we do not have a big enough backyard and that he doesn't want to have to take care of it. I explained that quote "I am a ******** adult, I know how to take care of an animal!" I'd walk it, I'd pick up after it, I'd bathe it and love on it. We have two cats and I take care of them, he only does that litter when I ask him to. He then sys that we have two cats and that it should be enough. Cats are great, but they only want love when THEY want love. My cats are very egotistcal little buttheads and they are extremely independent. Dogs are not so much.
He just doesn't get it. He thinks I only brought it up to annoy him. sad
Maybe his job is more important to him right now?
I just do not know what to do.
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 2:43 am
I have a friend who seems to be going through a somewhat similar situation with her fiance. They've been together for three years, and she wants to get married, and he keeps changing his mind on when he think the best time would be. She also wants to try having a baby-she says she's ready-he told her first off to wait until they move out of his parents' house, then until after the wedding, and now it's after he gets a good job, they move out, AND get married. I feel bad for her when she gets her hopes up and gets shot down so often like that.
The best advice I can give you is to simply sit down and talk with him about it all. Listen to what he says, have him listen to what you say, and see if you two can't mutually agree on something. Tell him just how ready you are and how great it would be to have a baby and how much closer you guys will be once you have the baby.
Don't simply give up on it! But, if he makes it very clear that he's not ready, then don't force the conversation on him.
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:50 am
Yi Min He changed his mind again. Infact, he says he does not remember agreeing to trying in 2007 and said that "We will see." However, I remember something completely different. My husband does the same thing. We will have a big long discussion about something and come to a compromise we are both satisfied with - and then he will completely forget and it's like we never talked about it. I've started getting everything in writing, lol. Yi Min I am so mad because I feel like... well crap. I got my hopes up and now they are just broken. When I brought it up, I felt so guilty that I couldn't see it the way he does. He just says "Not yet, wait till you are finished with college and have a good job" I do not want to be 26 or 27 or even 30 when I have my first child. I am not gauranteed to get that high paying job right when I graduate, it could take years of lower work experience first. What are his reasons? You mention the school and the job stuff, but I doubt that's the real reason since he was OK with this before. Is he just scared of having a little person to be responsible for? Is he scared that he might not make a good father? Is he afraid that you two won't be able to provide well enough for a child? Try to figure out the real reasons why he doesn't want a kid, because if it's any of the above... he will NEVER be ready. He's got to deal with his anxieties, not just put them off indefinitely. Now, in general I do have to agree with him that it would be a good idea for you to finish up school at least before you start having a kid. Getting a good job.. meh, it's up to you, really. I don't know what sort of financial situation you are in, or whether or not you can get maternity leave, or whether or not you would want to be home for a little while after giving birth. It's your life too. What he wants isn't everything. With my husband, I know he has a lot of anxieties about having a child (having enough money, being a good father, etc..). So we came up with a compromise. I would NOT wait until I was 30. But up until that point, I would wait as long as he felt comfortable with. But that was my deadline. I would say that you should have another talk with him, maybe even some sort of couple's therapy? Figure out a plan. Then get it in writing and stick to it. Don't let him back out again. You say you feel guilty that you don't see things the way he does. Do you think he feels guilty for not seeing things the way you do? You too have to compromise and you have to stick to it. It was NOT ok for him to back up on a decision you had reached. You are perfectly justified in expecting him to keep his promises.
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 3:10 pm
His new reasons as of today:
We are still young, we have a long time. "It's not like we are in our 40's"
"It is too much responsibility, and I am not ready for it. "
"I have a ton of things to worry about at work."
"There is a possibility of me being deployed and I do not know when."
I know the last one is a lie, because I was told that they are too undermanned and they NEED their law enforcement here.
Maybe I should just shut up about it for while? confused
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 8:12 pm
I'm just going to say what I did last time: if his reasons are illogical and don't fit, there's something else there that he's not talking about. I'd tell him to cut the crap and give his real reason because what he's doing isn't kind at all. Jerking around someone else's feelings and getting their hopes up is cruel.
I remember how happy you were and what he did is nothing short of sucky. He shouldn't say things he doesn't mean and then pull the, " I don't remember saying that," game. If he didn't mean it, he shouldn't have lied to you.
And even though this is somewhat off-topic, it was brought up: that first baby isn't going to bring you closer together in some wonderful snuggly family unit. That's a fantasy. It will bring a lot of strain and rip on your relationship, possibly to its breaking point. It comes up in here often and for some reason, no one is ever expecting it and thinks it is abnormal. I just wanted to address that and say I wouldn't use it as a selling point, because it's not true. Not wanting to sound too negative about it, but I have yet to talk to anyone my age, my mother's age, even my grandmother's age who hasn't had it happen.
I'd do whatever it takes to get him to honest and stop giving excuses, Yi Min. And let him know how badly his lie hurt you.
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:20 pm
Pirate Dirge I'm just going to say what I did last time: if his reasons are illogical and don't fit, there's something else there that he's not talking about. I'd tell him to cut the crap and give his real reason because what he's doing isn't kind at all. Jerking around someone else's feelings and getting their hopes up is cruel.
I remember how happy you were and what he did is nothing short of sucky. He shouldn't say things he doesn't mean and then pull the, " I don't remember saying that," game. If he didn't mean it, he shouldn't have lied to you.
And even though this is somewhat off-topic, it was brought up: that first baby isn't going to bring you closer together in some wonderful snuggly family unit. That's a fantasy. It will bring a lot of strain and rip on your relationship, possibly to its breaking point. It comes up in here often and for some reason, no one is ever expecting it and thinks it is abnormal. I just wanted to address that and say I wouldn't use it as a selling point, because it's not true. Not wanting to sound too negative about it, but I have yet to talk to anyone my age, my mother's age, even my grandmother's age who hasn't had it happen.
I'd do whatever it takes to get him to honest and stop giving excuses, Yi Min. And let him know how badly his lie hurt you. Agreed. I would be hurt by his changing of his promises. I'd be inclined to think there's something more if he just keeps coming up with more excuses. And from experience, the first baby DOES put a huge strain on your relationship. I know I've seen thread after thread about how things change. It's hard learning to redefine your relationship after baby, which could be a reason he doesn't want to talk about. It's not that my husband and I didn't love each other, but that's a hugely unrealistic ideal that baby makes everything perfect and happier.
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:33 pm
Not to mention that he says he has a lot to deal with at work... That's work, that's how it will ALWAYS be. That will never go away, no matter what. I agree with what the others have been saying, something dosen't fit.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:54 am
I maintain that there IS no perfect time to have a child. How you deal and plan with it is what makes the difference.
If he won't talk about what is really bugging him besides his lame excuses it's time to start countering with your own:
Mention that college is WAY easier to work around a baby's schedule than actual work (I should know I had my first kid PLANNED two weeks before my senior year of college and then my senior year pulled all As for two straight semesters in some of my toughest classes because I was more focused and planned better), that sure if you have a job and are well established you might be financially better off but then you will have to negotiate maternity leave and regardless of your job offering it almost always still has a type of stigma, if you have a baby now you can try and PLAN so that you deliver during an off time, winter or summer breaks, and then added the taking internet classes you can stay home with your baby for most likely WAY more time the best maternity leave.
If he's not willing to discuss what is really his deal it's time to start breaking through his bogus excuses with counterarguements.
And honestly YiMin if my husband dismissed my wants as he seems to do (he won't LET you get a dog? Because HE doesn't want to take care of it?) I'd be rather pissed. Yes this is a partnership, he has a say in things you bring into the home, but he's not the overloard of the place and you need to tell him he MUST listen to and fully consider your feelings and positions.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:07 am
Lastnight, I basically wrote him a letter to get my thoughts straight. So that I can put together how I feel when I talk to him. I want him to know that he's really just pissed me off and that I have everyright to be pissed off. I also want him to know that he isn't listening to me. I mean, he is listening but it is going out the other ear.
He isn't a bad guy. This is the only issue that he is different on.
I'll talk to him tomorrow, because by the time I get home he will be at work.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 7:23 pm
Yi Min We are still young, we have a long time. "It's not like we are in our 40's" And how long is he going to use that excuse? Until you ARE in your 40s? Yi Min "It is too much responsibility, and I am not ready for it. " Is he actively working towards GETTING ready for it? Because if not, he will never be ready. Yi Min "I have a ton of things to worry about at work." Does he expect this to change any time before you've hit menopause? Yi Min "There is a possibility of me being deployed and I do not know when." Is this situation going to change before you hit menopause? Yi Min Maybe I should just shut up about it for while? confused It depends. If you've examined your life and you feel that you are READY as a couple to have your child (and are using your brains, not your ovaries to do your thinking), then no, I don't think you should shut up for a while. I think it's perfectly legitimate to want to start a family and I think that all of his reasons are silly. None of them are magically going to go away on their own. So unless he is ACTIVELY working towards getting more confidence or improving his job situation, he has no right to simply delay indefinitely. He's afraid. That's fine. It's a scary thing. It's a big deal to bring another being into the world. It's a life-changing event. It would be scary if he weren't at least a little afraid. But if you let your fear control you and stop you from doing something you want to do, then that's a bad thing. Unless it's not something he wants to do. Does he like kids? Does he want kids? I don't know how much time you've spent talking about your goals and such, but it can be very tough on a relationship when the two people have conflicting priorities and goals.
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Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 11:53 am
So, I basically got to the bottom of it. I think.
He really just feels too young, mentally, to have a child. And, he wants more us time before we bring another person into the world. He likes kids and he wants kids... he just wants to wait a little longer..
He would like to wait a couple (2-3) of years so that we become closer as husband and wife, and bestfriends. He then explained that he knows other airmen his age with children and that it adds a lot of stress between them and their wives. (I've met one of these couples, the practically hate eachother) He also wants to make enough money so that our child not only gets what he/she needs, but also some of the things he/she wants.
And, he is afraid of me feeling lonely, because right now - I am so emersed in school that I do not have any friends. Going to school and work are my only socializations outside of Robert. And, I can now see how a baby would make me feel isolated. - I do not want those kinds of feelings towards my child.
He is making more sense. Expecially after you guys telling me that a new baby can really mess up a relationship. I am totally into school and work right now too. Maybe we should wait till at least very close to graduation or a little after graduation.
*still thinking*
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Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:24 pm
I'm glad you guys talked it out, that's a good thing! It may not always seem like it, but being able to sit down and discuss things like that keeps you two together and strong. I'm glad he has some real reasons, not just 'I don't want to right now'
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Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:35 pm
Glad to hear you two had a better talk about it.
No matter how close you two are, the first few months at the least with a baby is seriously stressful and hard. You can't really prepare for it, you just weather it as best you can and make it through it, as bad as that sounds. We talked it to death before the pregnancy, during the pregnancy, and right after the birth and it's taken us 8 months to get back to more how things were pre-Ethan. Just wanted to make sure you both realize that. ;]
Good luck, hon! <3
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 12:07 am
I guess that makes a little more sense. But I still don't see why he won't let you have a dog stare
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 5:38 pm
Our housing area is set to be torn down soon. New housing is already being built. The housing office told us that we should be moved out in August and moved into the new places. When this happends, we will get a dog. heart
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