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 Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:29 pm
Lately, I've been kind of feeling that my friends are "leaving me out" of things now that I'm married and with a baby on the way. confused I've always been really close to my friends, so it sucks not having them around to hang out with when I want to spend time away from home, with the girls. I don't like to go clubbing or drinking; i'm perfectly happy just cruising around town and making up funny stories about people and whatnot.
Tonight is a great example of how things have been lately. I was supposed to go out with my little sister, her two friends, and my friend. Well, my friend is my sister's friend's sister. I started getting ready at about 3 pm today, thinking it was going to be so much fun, because I never get out of the house anymore, and it's just us girls! At 3:45, I go to my Mom's to talk to my sister, Ashley, about when we're leaving, etc. and then she tells me that one of the girls, Stephanie is sick and can't go, and her sister, Nikki (my friend) decided to hang out with someone else. Someone else! I thought "what the Hell?"
Is it because I'm pregnant now that I'm "no fun"? I'm still me, and I still love to do all the same things as I used to, the only difference is the ring on my finger and the baby in my belly. confused Even my husband felt bad, because he hates seeing me cooped up in the house all day with nothing to do. He was supposed to hang out with the guys tonight, but because of me, those plans were ruined, so once again, I was stuck with him and his friends. And there would have been NO WAY i'd let him break off plans with his friends, just because of me.
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 7:29 am
It's hard to deal with, but it's pretty natural for friends to drift apart after major life changes, such as getting married and having a baby. While you may be the same person at the core, your focus changes after/during major life changes. Once you get married, you always have another person to consider in your plans. Once you get pregnant, you have another person to consider. It's can be hard for single, childless people to relate to someone with a spouse and a child.
My advice: Keep in touch with your old friends, but don't be upset or surprized if they drift away. You never know, once they are married and have kids you may become closer again. Then also try to make an effort to find a way to be around people who are married and have kids. It's a good way to make new friends!
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 8:20 am
kmaritza It's hard to deal with, but it's pretty natural for friends to drift apart after major life changes, such as getting married and having a baby. While you may be the same person at the core, your focus changes after/during major life changes. Once you get married, you always have another person to consider in your plans. Once you get pregnant, you have another person to consider. It's can be hard for single, childless people to relate to someone with a spouse and a child. My advice: Keep in touch with your old friends, but don't be upset or surprized if they drift away. You never know, once they are married and have kids you may become closer again. Then also try to make an effort to find a way to be around people who are married and have kids. It's a good way to make new friends!
This is very normal and it can hurt when one wasn't expecting it. Out of all our old friends, only a handful still talk to us and even they don't always get things are different and we can't hang out like we used to: for example, staying out all night or longer without checking in.
Edit: Now that I have two hands...The last time we were home, we actually had an incident come up when my hubby went out with some of our old friends to a bar. When he didn't show up at home the next morning, the first one I called shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal. If I could have reached him through the phone, he would have been singing another tune, that's for sure. evil But he thought it was funny that my husband was missing and no one had any idea where he was and that he'd "just turn up." Some friend he is.
Err, didn't mean to get into a rant there, I was just trying to further illustrate how values change when your situation in life does. sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 11:59 am
Ditto to what they said.
And honestly, it's hard to say you're the EXACT same person after being mom. Truly, I know most of my old friends I couldn't fathom some of their personality traits that seemed like nothing before. Whether or not I had changed wasn't so much the issue, my own perception changed. I didn't see a need for constant parties at my friend's house with her new little school buddies.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my friends and we keep in touch, but it comes that time we drift a bit. It hurts at first, but it's helped me, personally, finding new friends with children as well. I get a new friend and so do my kids! biggrin And really, I wouldn't forceable keep my husband away from his friends, but for us, family time comes FIRST.
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 9:41 pm
As the others have said, this is something that is pretty typical. It certainly happened to me when I married and then got pregnant.
It's not that your friends don't like or care about you anymore (as I am sure they do), it' just that you lead a different kind of life than they do now and they probably don't relate to you as much anymore since there has been a shift in what you focus on.
I know when I got pregnant the first time, I lost some friends. I mean, some people avoided me so much you'd have thought my pregnancy was contagious xd ! And it hurt to know that they suddenly had other/better things to do than hang out with me. But I understand why, I mean, I settled down and didn't care much for the same kinds of things anymore, while they were still childless (and most of them were single) and they didn't "get" married life. They didn't understand that I had different likes and dislikes now, or that I got tired more easily (during pregnancy), or they'd wanna go drinking and I wouldn't (due to pregnancy), and etc.
But again, don't give up on them just yet. Many of my friends have come back into my life now that my kids are older and I get to have a wee tad more "me time". And many of them are also starting to get married and have kids of their own now!
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Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 11:30 am
Yeah, I'm still going to be keeping in touch with my friends, although I'm pretty sure things won't always be the same. Even before marriage, I always put my love before everybody else, and that we are married, I do it even more so now. He does the same for me, even though his friends are actually much less understanding about it than mine are.
I've actually had to completely seperate myself from one of my friends, because her lifestyle was too "risky" for me to be involved in. She had the idea that I was going to be her right-hand through her adventures and mishaps, and as soon as I got pregnant, I told her I didn't want anything to do with it. Drugs, drinking, partying, sleeping with random and flat-out weird men-didn't want that sort of crap leaking into my future family. She didn't take it too well and even stole money from me-I guess as some sort of revenge, but whatever.
It is kind of hard trying to deal with the fact that I'm SO different from my friends now, though! I never pictured myself as being so far ahead of the game as I guess I am, until recently. Marriage for me doesn't feel any different than having a boyfriend, but in others' perspectives, it really is. confused I'm sure I'll get used to it, though, and plus, my hubby says if I ever feel "mopey" (which is quite often now, due to long intervals of boredom), he'll take me out and about to settle my mind down.
Thanks everybody for the insight; it's really helped reading everything. I just don't know what to do about meeting other "mommy-friends"; I'm terribly anti-social and always seem to come off as a "b***h" to people. sweatdrop I don't think I'll go hunting down anybody anytime soon, though. If I run into someone, then that'd be great! That's how I meet new people the easiest, anyhow. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:37 am
That seem a little rude of your friend not to call you and tell you she was going to hang out with someone else, and have your sister mention it instead.
But you'd be surprised all the places you meet other mommies. Just going to the park or pool, or taking your kids to the doctor, or church, or sometimes even shopping or restaurants. Your kids are going to be drawn to other kids around them, and the parents will be nearby. And you already have something to talk about automatically: look how cute your kids are! Just don't be afraid to talk to people. Especially other parents because they're probably in a very similar situation to the one you're in and are probably looking for new friends with kids.
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Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 8:07 pm
kim ocean That seem a little rude of your friend not to call you and tell you she was going to hang out with someone else, and have your sister mention it instead. But you'd be surprised all the places you meet other mommies. Just going to the park or pool, or taking your kids to the doctor, or church, or sometimes even shopping or restaurants. Your kids are going to be drawn to other kids around them, and the parents will be nearby. And you already have something to talk about automatically: look how cute your kids are! Just don't be afraid to talk to people. Especially other parents because they're probably in a very similar situation to the one you're in and are probably looking for new friends with kids. Yeah, that's true. I'm just not the type to approach someone else-if they were to approach me, however, that'd make me feel a little more comfortable xp Even as a little kid, that's how I've always been. I didn't have any friends until about kindergarten, and the kids at my babysitters were mean and picked on me a lot. Being a cute red-head at a young age is quite difficult sometimes!
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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 1:57 pm
Maybe you'd be more comfortable finding people online? Sometimes it's easier to talk to people online. I think there are mommy groups on places like myspace, or maybe websites you can search for? Or maybe you can start your own where you can look for other mommies in your area? Then after you get to know some of them and if you seem to hit it off, you can arrange to meet in a safe place for play dates for the kids and chatting for the parents to get to know them better.
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Posted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 7:29 pm
It can be very intimidating for people when their friends have suddenly "changed" (even if in status only). When I got married, one of my friends told me that she just didn't know how to talk to me anymore because she felt that so many topics were taboo (such as her dating adventures). Especially with a kid on the way. It's hard to relate to a woman who's cares and worries are so different from that of a single woman with no kids (in or out of belly).
Most of my friends from my single life just drifted away soon after my relationship got serious. A few haven't and my relationship with them is a strong as ever. But this is something that happens very often (as many have already said).
I've started friendships with other married couples now. And, in some ways, it's a lot more pleasant because we can go out as couples instead of having some single people feeling like third wheels. I've also become very close to my husband's parents. Now that he is married, they've stopped treating him like a son and started treating him like a friend. The language we use, as couples, is similar and our experiences can relate.
That would be my recommendation for you. Find some couples you and your husband enjoy spending time with and go on double dates. The great thing about having a kid is that kids don't have all the hangups we adults have. If you are shy about approaching new people, let your kid do the work! Nothing like "oh look, our kids like playing together!" to bring two couples together smile
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