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 Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:39 am
I also put this in the relationgship one...just thought you guys could help out! 3nodding
Well lets start this off by saying I'm 21 almost 22 and I'm Pregnant, The father mind you is only17 almost 18. We are four years a part and that scars me alittle, we have been together for 10 months and have already been engaged for 8 months, i love him to death but the age thing is a small problem. Don't get me wrong he can be machuer (cant SP )
1) Now my problems are he is into some pretty havey drugs like E and he has done the "white powder" (didnt know if i can say the really thing ) he likes his weed (which i don't mind so much as long as its not around me and he doesn't do it all the time). But he loves his E and will do it when ever he can get his hands on it
2) He likes to go out and party with his friends and leave me hame pregnant and not come home when he says he is!
What do you think i should do, i have asked my mother and they lady i bbsit for but they say too leave him, and that not an opption! PLEASE HELP ME OUT I REALLY NEED IT!
(PM me too please)
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Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 2:16 pm
Why isn't leaving an option? Honestly, I agree with your mother and the other lady. I would leave if he won't change. Your priorities might have to change a little bit if you are going to have a baby. My baby would come before me, so I would get rid of a man if he were that bad of a provider and influence to my baby. If he just goes out to party, then it sounds like he does not care all that much for you or the baby. If he spends his money on drugs, I would say that he is selfish. Babies take a lot of time, money, and planning. You can't really be selfish when you have a baby.
I do not know what other advice I can give you if you want to keep the baby and if he refuses to change. Although, I have to be honest, you should not even have to tell him to stop the drugs and partying. If he can't figure that out on his own, I would never let him anywhere near my baby.
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Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:05 pm
It seems to me like you've already made up your mind, and I'm not sure what you're really asking.
I think that you know what you have to do. Leaving is the option I would be heading for, as I'd be more intrested in the health of my baby than the party habits of my fiance.
And, he's 18. He's a teenager. You should expect him to be partying and stuff. It's what most males do at that age. I think you need to think about yourself, and your baby. The welfare of you both is in your hands, and do you think your fiance can raise a child if he's constantly strung up on E, and cocaine?
Do not disregard what wisdom your mother gives you, remember, that she's been the age your are now. Please put your baby before your addicted fiance. Who's life has a chance of being better fulfilled?
Because I know that you -never- fully get away from drugs like that.
Sorry. That's my 2 cents.
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:10 am
Pirate Dirge I'm curious to know why leaving isn't an option. Do you think that if he doesn't change and is around your child, that will be a good thing? You want your baby to be around someone who is drugged out and won't give him or her the proper love and attention they need? You want your child to see you being disrespected and learn that's how he should treat women or have a daughter learn that's how she should be treated by a man?
Excuse me for doing this, but I have to quote Dr. Phil just because I agree with him on this issue: love is an action, not just an emotion. The way you treat someone tells how you feel about them. When you really truly love them, you treat them well and give them respect. The actions you're describing aren't loving at all.
I am not surprised in the least you're being advised to leave him: from what you've told us, that is your best option and your child's.
If he can't grow up and stop acting in such a dangerous and selfish manner, you're better off without him. You can't make him change. He has to decide to do that on his own and if he doesn't choose to go that way, you have to do what's right. It may not be easy, it may hurt, but it will save you alot of heartache in the long run.
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:12 am
Nikolita Sounds like you should find a better person to be with. Someone who cares about you and your baby wouldn't put drugs first. Not to mention the drugs you mentioned are expensive and illegal. I'd say ask him to get help or leave him. Yes, leaving him is an option because from what it sounds like, he treats you like crap. He expects you to be ok with him not coming home on time, doing drugs, and not being responsible. And someone who really cares about you, your baby and your relationship together wouldn't do that to you. I mean, he's 17.
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:13 am
It's also in the guild rules not to spam your post/thread multiple times. So in the future, please don't do it - consider this a reminder.
Pick a subforum to post your thread, and only do it once. Your other thread in the Relationship Subforum has been moved, because it's a repeat thread.
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Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 10:10 am
I gave him the choices between me and the drug/party life and he choce me, but he's told me it going to be hard and for the most part he's stopped but, i know for expierance that when the E is free and theres no hiden strinse, like having to pay it back its hard to pass it up now mind you i havn't touched it for 5 to 6 months. He doesn't do the other stuff anymore!
It's hard to think of my child not having a father because i went with out one and it sucked. umm, and he is respectful to a point, before we talked again...he would ask me and i would say no then he would ask again a couple of hours later and i would just say fine what ever just don't look at me or touch me, because i don't want the trancefer. (E can be trancefered through touch if hands are swety)
He has a job and yes he has been late but thats cuz he takes the bus to and from work but, he's always up and off to work every morning and works over 9 hours. He pays our rent, cell phone bill and power bill...soon to be internet/cable/and a land line.....(we wont have the cells)
i just don't know i wanna belive he will change and im going to give him the help he needs if he really going to go through with this if not i just may have to leave..... crying sad cry neutral confused
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Posted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 9:38 pm
My good friend is in a similar situation, only her boyfriend is 27 (she's 21) and she has already given birth to her child (4 months old). Her boyfriend has been in and out of rehab. for most of his adult life. He promised her he'd change once the baby was born, even proposed (she declined), etc. However, it only stopped for 1 month, and then he was back to smoking crack and drinking.
Everyone thought he'd quit once the baby was born, but it's obvious that he enjoys this lifestyle more. It's hard cause she loves him a lot and especially since they have a kid, but pretty soon her child (and yours) will know when his dad is high or know that he couldn't buy him this or that or see him cause drugs were more important.
You have to make the choice if he doesn't seem like he'll quit if you want this sort of influence in you kid's life. Pretty soon your child will start knowing what's up, and he needs a positive male role model and not someone who's only going to hurt him. Your boyfriend needs to decide if his child or his selfish immature behavior is more important. It's sad, but if he really cares, he'll try to stay clean.
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 7:47 am
I agree completly you cant be with a man who wont step up to the plate. My fiance (husband now) smoked weed and went out with the guys at all hours of the night. I told him that I needed him to be with me more, and that he needed to be home more especially after our baby was born. He stepped up immediatly, he told me was just trying to get his last fling in as a party boy. He has smoked weed 3 times in 4 years, only when the baby is gone for the weekend with one of our parents. He only drinks socially mostly on sundays during the football games. Recently he has cut down his smoking to only the weekends. He made a complete turn around for us, if your guy wont do it for you then you need to drop him.
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 8:28 pm
Laleh22 1) Now my problems are he is into some pretty havey drugs like E and he has done the "white powder" (didnt know if i can say the really thing ) he likes his weed (which i don't mind so much as long as its not around me and he doesn't do it all the time). But he loves his E and will do it when ever he can get his hands on it 1) E can fry your brain. Completely. He could be completely fine one day, and in a wheelchair with a respirator the next. How will you cope with a baby if the father becomes a retard or an invalid? 2) Do you want your child to grow up in an environment where he/she will be exposed to drug addiction in the home? 3) If your boyfriend is smoking weed around a newborn infant, your chances of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) become much higher because the smoke can suffocate an infant. 4) Buying drugs costs a lot of money. Are you financially stable enough to pay all the bills and feed/cloth your child if your boyfriend is throwing so much money away? Laleh22 2) He likes to go out and party with his friends and leave me hame pregnant and not come home when he says he is! If he's an irresponsible boyfriend, what makes you think that he will be a responsible father? Laleh22 What do you think i should do, i have asked my mother and they lady i bbsit for but they say too leave him, and that not an opption! PLEASE HELP ME OUT I REALLY NEED IT! Have you talked to him? Have you told him how bad his actions are for you AND for the baby? If you have and he refuses to do anything, or makes excuses (like "yeah yeah, I'll quit it all as soon as the baby is born") - then I agree with your mother. He is going to cause you a lot of pain and heartache - not to mention the physical and emotional damage he may do for your child. Your personal feelings are one thing, but you have a kid to worry about. As a mom, it's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to provide a good stable home for your child. If you cannot do that with him around, then you just have to cut him out of your lives.
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 8:32 pm
Laleh22 I gave him the choices between me and the drug/party life and he choce me, but he's told me it going to be hard and for the most part he's stopped but, i know for expierance that when the E is free and theres no hiden strinse, like having to pay it back its hard to pass it up now mind you i havn't touched it for 5 to 6 months. He doesn't do the other stuff anymore! Addiction is a terrible thing. It's when you put your desires in front of all the people you love Laleh22 It's hard to think of my child not having a father because i went with out one and it sucked. Bear in mind that your experiences are not everyone's. My parents split up very early on. My mother's new husband is like a father to me. I love him as much as I love my own father. My father's girlfriend is like a mom to me. I have the benefit of having FOUR parents who love me and would do anything for me. If you have a choice between having your child not have a father, or having your child having a mentally retarded father with holes in his brain because he took too much E - which do you choose? Ultimately, it's your judgement call. What do you think is best for you and for the baby? Do you believe that he is capable of letting go of his addictions and being a good father?
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Posted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:57 pm
I'm sorry dear, I've got to say it. You need to leave him. He really doesn't respect you or your unborn child. He's into drugs, that's not good for either one of you. You just need to go home ( home = somewhere safe, where you have lots of support) and just go on with your life.
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:17 am
Lady Roa Because I know that you -never- fully get away from drugs like that. Disagreed. I'm sorry, but I hate that statement. You CAN fully get away from drugs, utterly and completely. I know from personal experience. I don't even think about it in any way other than remorse, and I don't talk to anyone that I did drugs with. Please try not to make that a blanket statement, instead say that that's in YOUR experience. Sorry, now onto the topic at hand. LEAVE HIM. Now. And WHEN he gets his s**t together, then he can be a part of your life. By "the white stuff" do you mean meth, heroine or cocaine? Not that it matters, but I'm merely curious. I'm assuming meth. Now, you say you haven't smoked in 5 months. Good for you. But it's sad that you quit and he didn't. How much time is he spending away from you and your unborn child to go off and get high? Because I can tell you, one minute is one minute too many. I LOVE marijuana... however, the moment I got married, I stopped. My husband is in the Navy, and if I were caught with it, HE would get kicked out. Now I have a 2 year old son, and I DEFINITELY would never touch it. A one time high isn't worth losing my kid. If you stay with him and have this baby, you WILL be miserable. Raising a child is VERY, VERY hard. If he can't even do so much as stop doing damn drugs because he's got a fiancee and a child on the way, then how do you think it will be when you ask him to change a diaper, hold the baby while you take a nap, or even watch him while you go do something? And even if he agreed to it, if he's high off his a**, you can't TRUST him to do those things. For one, a few types of drugs are literally leaked out through sweat. WOuldn't you love for him to be holding your infant, who is slowly absorbing small amounts of meth through his skin from his daddy? Ain't that grand? NO. And when you're tired as all hell, need money for diapers, need a break, want some time alone, and your money's spent on drugs and your husband's out getting high or in jail, won't your life be a fairytale? Plus, um, right now, the fact that you two had sex is illegal. But we don't even need to get into that. The fact of the matter is, for the sake of your child, LEAVE HIM. If he really loves you and the baby, he will get help and get clean and come back to you. And if he doesn't, you didn't want him around anyway. Never assume that leaving is not an option. Now, one thing he can do to REALLY help himself is stop the three P's... PEOPLE - he needs to just stop being with the people who give him drugs. There's no other way around that. PLACES - don't go to the places that you associate with drugs, or where your drug buddies hang out. PLAYTHINGS - any pipes, needles, baggies, hookas, etc. ALL need to go bye-bye. If he can do those three things, he'll already be on his way out. But without doing that, the temptation will be too much. Good luck, but think about your BABY before anything else.
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 11:43 am
LEave him that guy is a disgrace to to other guys. He is bieng stupid leave him and find a caring father for the kid
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 4:49 pm
Savina Plus, um, right now, the fact that you two had sex is illegal. But we don't even need to get into that. Gona correct this... It is entirely dependant on the state. Where I live the age of consent is 16 with a seven year age rule. A 16 year old can screw a 23 year old and the 23 year old is fine. On topic more... If your boyfriend is a party kid, he will always be one until he decides to help himself. You can tell him to stop all you want, and he can say he wants to. What it comes down to is if he really WANTS to. There are so many people in the world who will believe the best of their signifigant other. Few realize that sometimes these people will not change.
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