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 Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 9:57 am
 She felt so weary lately- the very act of getting herself up each morning was impossible, and all she really wanted to do was close her eyes and never have to see the world again. Inali had never wished for death before- she was generally a strong mare- but now it seemed as if it would be a relief, something to take her away from misery she hated. She hated being week, being helpless, crying like a filly, but she couldn't stop, and found she didn't want to stop. It was mostly self pity, but there was some founding in it- her heart was broken, and the rejection had hurt her very self image. Maybe... maybe she wasn't good enough? Maybe she wasn't nice enough?
Plagued by doubt, the red mare rose this morning, looking out over the dew covered forest. It was still very early; she doubted anyone would be up for a while yet; the morning was hers, to enjoy if she had the spirit to. As circumstances currently stood, she didn't, so the mare merely picked at a few strands of grass, her mind still swirling in its own darkness.
Finally Inali grew tired of eating (though she had barely eaten at all, and hadn't really for a few days) and trotted over a rise. Surveying the flat, open land beyond the forest, she heaved a sigh once more, before looking over her shoulder at her teepee. Maybe being out today would be good today. Maybe she would find Shimshesk, and they could discuss how idiotic stallions were. That sounded good. Inali smiled once, rather wanly, before picking up her trot a bit.
Before Inali even knew it, she was galloping, running off her anger as best she could, running so fast she was almost tripping over her own hooves. If only running fast enough could escape everything she had ever known... if only.
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 7:39 pm
 Dwelling on the past and trying not to must have been the "in thing" on this particular day, for Inali wasn't alone in her feelings of bitterness, aloneness, and self-doubt. Indeed, today was far from the first day that those thoughts had been swirling about in Safi's head. If asked, it was doubtful that he could identify the actual day that he'd begun to question his existance...and as things currently stood, it was getting even harder for him to pinpoint the day that he'd broken with what he perceived to be his former life. The longer that one spent on their own with naught but their own thoughts (and nagging conscience) for company, the more the days seemed to meld together. But then, what did time matter when everything felt the same?
Jumbled thoughts wrestled for the place of honor in his confused mind as he ambled slowly through the meadow lands. Following his encounter with the red mare, his former 'glade of sanctity' had become tainted; questions he'd thought that he had answered adequately had cropped up again, even more persistant than they had before. Damn that mare and her emotional upheaval; she might not have left with a good impression of him, but she had caused him far more grief than she could possibly have imagined.
Glaring down at the ground, his jaw fixed in frustration, Safi turned the details of the encounter over and over in his mind, trying to figure out just what it was about it that had caused such a reversal in his mental state. He couldn't lay his hoof on anything, though; it had been a brief interview, after all...but then why did it bother him so?
These questions weighing heavily on his mind, the icy stallion raised his head to scout out the area for a resting place...and then froze. What had at first appeared to be a tiny red speck on the horizon was rapidly growing, and as he looked at it he could see that it was a mare. Not just any mare, either...a red mare with a pale mane, racing through the grass in his direction. He had to be dreaming...surely he couldn't be about to run into that horrible creature again? Not so soon...
Eyes wide with upset, he stood there, unable to move, merely staring at the approaching form.((Note: The red mare he is referring to is Ever Scarafice, from his last plot rp))
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 7:48 pm
Inali nearly ran into Safi, her eyes having been closed to prevent the tears she was afraid would fall. She opened them every now and then to get her bearings, and it was this way she saw Safi. Sliding up and nearly falling onto her haunches, the more brightly hued mare stopped short in her tracks. Fantastic, another stallion to plague her life and make it more miserable. It was just what she wanted right now, just what she needed, but it was too late now to turn around and trot away. That would be rude.
Looking rather miserable (to hell with being polite) Inali nodded her head in the most perfunctory of greetings. She really did /not/ have the patience to deal with the humorous stallion now- or any stallion, for that matter. But she still had to say hello, at the very least.
"Greetings Safi. I am surprised to see you here." And unhappy, her mind echoed, though she could not voice that thought. Being corteous was paramount. "I am sorry for nearly running into you. That was my mistake- my eyes were closed. How foolish of me." Inali couldn't even bring herself to admire the stallion's blue coloring, a rare occurance. She simply didn't have any interest at all in anything remotely connected to stallions and romance. What a horrid word. Love, romance, even friendship- they all seemed like false echoes now, words meant to beguile the one who said them into a false sense of security.
"I'm sorry I am not that talkative right now. I have had a bad week." She gave a wan grin, though Inali's silver eyes still appeared lifeless and shallow. It just wasn't worth the effort...
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:05 pm
Perhaps Inali had nearly run into him, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. As she was so close, he was able to recognize the intensity of redness and the tell-tale knot symbol on her flank; this was not his unnamed abuser, but nevertheless he found himself flinching slightly. No, this was a mare that he knew...one that he had talked to. And she was one that he knew from the past...the past that he had been trying so hard to distance himself from. Sadly, it was too late to make a run for it, and from her words it was obvious she had recognized him as well.
However, her dull and listless voice and the polite brush-off she was uttering gave him the first glimmer of hope he'd felt in a while. She didn't seem exceptionally inclined to deal with him...and he didn't feel like dealing with her, either. Best for both of them to simply move on.
In spite of his desire to move on, though, he was better equipped to handle the requisite 'polite conversation' necessitated by any meeting of old acquaintances; hopefull she wouldn't have remembered him well enough from their prior run-in to realize that anything was amiss in his behavior. Or at least, that was what he was hoping.
Incling his head slightly to the red mare, he shook his head as she informed him of her lack of conversational enthusiam. "I wish that I could say it was nice to see you, Inali, but I'm in roughly the same state of affairs that you are at the moment and am in no shape for socialization." A bit blunt, perhaps, but totally true. "Bad weeks are obviously the style at the moment. And no need to apologize for nearly running into me..." Turning away slightly, he began to walk off past her, a slight and wry smile playing on his lips and pain in his eyes. "I unquestionably deserve it."
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:14 pm
Inali's natural curiousity perked up as she recognized the same weariness in Safi's tone and expression. She hated to sympathize with anyone right now, least of all a stallion, but sympathize she did. She felt hatred for this now, but she couldn't help it. It wasn't hatred for Safi, not at all that, it was hatred for herself. She was in such emotional duress, and she loathed it. She was the strong mare, the fiery one- that was what she was known for.
Watching Safi still with slightly wary eyes, Inali could not help but question. "Why has your week been so bad? It could not have possibly been worse than mine." She sniffted loftily, then grinned in apology. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. I just... I had some stallion trouble at least twice this week and I feel like my reality has shifted." She didn't know why she could suddenly confide so much in Safi; she never had before. He just had one of those personalities, she supposed. He was a solid rock usually, though she could tell he was not one now. "Tell me what went wrong with your week. I'll listen."
It was true- what else could she offer? She barely remembered Safi, but she recalled enough to realize he was almost always happy, with a bright outlook on life and constant humor in everything he said. This was something utterly different. "And stop saying you deserve it. I'm sure whatever happened to you, you don't deserve it. That's just self-pity." The same brusque nature Inali normally exhibited was back, at least for a moment. "I'm sorry for that... I'm just being snappish. I'm really, truly sorry." Lowering her head, Inali let her own self-pity envelope her red body for a moment, before shaking it off, silver mane falling over silver eyes.
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:29 pm
Closing his eyes with the air of world-weariness one would expect from an ancient, Safi managed to turn his head completely away from Inali before she would have been able to see the acute flash of upset provoked when she explained why she was upset. No matter where he went, he couldn't escape from being a confidant, it seemed; this was only the second time he'd encountered Inali, but she seemed alright with telling him she was having stallion troubles. Well then...
Or then, maybe he was just over-reacting. Though he had continued to walk away, when she asked that he tell her his troubles he found himself pausing. No one had ever asked him to unburden his mind to them before...he was always apparently beyond such needs. After all, what problems could such a happy guy have, right? Stereotypes of that intensity were disgusting to behold...but he knew he had no one but himself to blame. He had been that creature, after all; a shallow, two-dimensional being with no soul of his own. It was indeed no more than he deserved to be hurt physically; he'd already begun mentally, and emotionally...well, there was nothing there to hurt.
His eyes flashed angrily for a moment at her flagrant dismissal of his problems, and he started to feel the anger he'd unleashed at Indawo boiling up again within him. How dare she presume she knew what bad was, or decide what meritted distress? Such attitudes were enough to make him sick...or they were when they were followed through on. As Inali apologized, he managed to squelch the burning rage within himself and instead gave her a tightly controlled nod. "Believe me, I know what's it's like to lose control of what you're saying. No apologies are necessary. And in regards to your question of what's been wrong..." Was it too general to say everything? Undoubtably. "Personal issues; I'm afraid that it's something I need to deal with on my own."
One knew their own demons, after all...and his seemed particularly ugly these days.
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:38 pm
Was he... mad at her? Inali wasn't sure what she had done. She thought she may have been too inconsiderate to him, not regarding his own feelings on the matter. Did he... want her to? She had never encountered a stallion who really wanted to talk about that kind of thing, but there was always a chance that she would meet one.
"I'm really sorry Safi. If you do not want to talk about it, you don't have to, but if by any chance you do in the near future, you can just find me... I'm always willing to listen. I'd rather listen to you and offer advice then burden you with my own problems." Inali's voice trailed off as she considered how idiotic she must sound, as vapid and as 'kind' as the rest of the mares she loathed. But still... she did want to help Safi, truly felt the need to improve his life.
It seemed he wanted to leave now, leave her company, and just vanish. "You don't have to stay with me if you do not wish to. Do not feel that you have to be polite to me." Inali gave him a mournful look. Now that her company had been here a few minutes, she felt as if she didn't want him to go. She needed him here suddenly, but wouldn't voice it. "But if you want to stay you can." She was stuttering, falling over her own words.
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:48 pm
Damnit all, why did he have to empathize so much with the emotional distress of mares? Oddly enough, even though he knew that it was in reference to his own situation, he wanted to help Inali. But that was what he was trying to escape, wasn't it? Always the friend, always the rock, and then discarded as soon as everything had been handled.
Well, that was at least part of what he was trying to escape, but it was harder to summarize one's whole life at once. Or at least it was for him. One step at a time, right?
"Believe me, Inali, I think that I've firmly gotten away from the idea of doing things because they're polite." And that was the truth; the incident with the other red mare had to be evidence of that. Smiling wanely, he tilted his head up and looked skywards, continuing to speak but in a somewhat subdued voice. "No, being polite is hardly something I could be accused of lately..." Nor of being a friend.
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:56 pm
Inali nodded at Safi's words. She hadn't been much of a friend at all to Tawali, but she didn't feel the desire. Perhaps it was okay to be rude sometimes... Perhaps one didn't have to be perfect all the time. The idea was very, very new to Inali. An idea of non-perfection.... She pondered it for a moment, before turning her attention back to Safi.
"Tell me about it Safi. I don't mind at all." If she had been a human, Inali would have patted the ground next to her as an offer to sit down. As it was, she stood still, her eyes more inviting than they had been prior. It seemed she did really want to know, really did want Safi to talk with her and confide in her at this moment.
"It's okay to be bad sometimes, I think. It's fine to be less than polite... we can't all achieve perfection, though we try, I think." Inali give a small grin. Admitting to her mortality, the very humanity (well, soquility) of her soul... It was something new to her. It was almost as if she no longer possessed the same degree of insufferable pride she had had.
Stretching out her neck, Inali picked out a lone, single flower, offering it to Safi. "Peace for the time being? An offer of peace?" It was all she could do, for now. It was a pretty flower anyway.
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 9:38 pm
((I apologize for the length; I really tried to keep it shorter, but it didn't listen xd sweatdrop And I apologize for the last bit; it seemed awfully alomsot godmoddy to me, but I couldn't think of any other way. Tell me if you have an issue, and I will definitely change it))
A peace offering...a simple one, but sometimes simplicity was the best. There was something symbolic in the offering of the flower; it seemed to Safi as though both he and Inali were consequently stepping outside of themselves for the sake of this one conversation. Neither had to be limited by perceptions of themselves, the past, or their own inner demons; instead, they were becoming nameless, faceless strangers.
Perhaps that was all that he needed. Or at least, all that he needed for now. The pain was still there; the raw feeling that things weren't right; however, for the moment a tiny ray of light offered him a chance to get off his chest at least one of the thoughts that had so been plaguing his mind. He was no longer Safi, troubled by issues of self he could find no answer for; instead, he was simply...himself.
Eyeing the flower as these thoughts floated about in his head, his gaze was dreamlike and indirect as he came to the abovementioned conclusion; but as he took the flower, the golden eyes snapped back into sharp focus. He was not Safi, bound by his prior limitations; he was a stallion as proud and capable as any of them! He just needed to prove that to himself...
And a possible form of that proof was looking him in the face. Inali wasn't acting as he remembered her, but neither was he himself as he had once been. Things had happened to both of them, changes that affected the mind and wounded the soul. She had said as much in her earlier statement, that she had had troubles with stallions. He didn't know specifically what those troubles entailed, but she wasn't shying away from him. No, she was close, accessable, and wanting him to unburden himself to her.
As he gazed on the face of Inali, he found his thoughts suddenly racing a whole new direction. He'd always been the buddy, the friend; never shown any affection or interest other than that of a cherished girlfriend or a brother. Pursuing mares had never been something he'd thought about much...which undeniably had helped contribute to the rumor that he was a pansy.
Well, that was something that he would change. That was an aspect of his old self, the self that he was leaving in the past where it firmly belonged. All that he had to do to prove that change to the world was prove it to himself, in the best way possible.
His golden yellow eyes had changed intensity several times during the course of his silence; dreamlike and detached, keen and observant, remote and questioning...and now they focused once again on Inali, intent, alert, and burning. Turning around to fully face the red mare, flower still in his teeth, he looked at her with an intensity so fierce that coming from him it must have seemed downright surreal.
A few steps were all it took for him to be standing right in front of her, looming over her with the same intense look on his face. She had just said it herself... "So, you think that badness is permissable some of the time, Inali? That makes me wonder, on what occassions are we to be bound by politeness, and on what occassions can we ignore those social requirements? Or..." Here his lips twitched slightly, forming the tiniest of smirks as he spoke. "Or does it all depend on the circumstance?"
With that, he spread wide his left wing and draped it over her body, using it to pull her up against his side. And as he did so, he covered her mouth with his in a searingly intense gesture of intent.
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 2:33 pm
Inali suddenly felt herself trapped by the surprising intensity of Safi's eyes. They were gold, and she had never noticed that before. Somewhere in a detached area of mind, a voice sang the words 'silver and gold' over and over again in a child's refrain. It was silly, but rather adorable, in a way. But then, what if she was jumping to conclusions? His next actions seemed to prove that she hadn't... maybe things would be okay for now.
Inali's mind went in a similar direction as Safi's. Perhaps all she needed after all was not an air of superiority, not a way to make herself feel better about any insecurities that she held about herself. Perhaps all she needed was someone who would erase those, at least for the time being. The very fact that she had never even considered Safi crossed her mind. She had thought of other stallions, Tawali certainly, but perhaps Safi... perhaps he fit, in a way. He certainly was the same creature he was anymore. They had both 'grown up', in a way, from their childish illusions or behavior.
The red mare couldn't help giving a small grin as Safi spoke, especially when he accepted her peace offering ever so gently from her, and ruminated upon it. Her own mind drifted further into it's dream-like haze, her silver eyes methodically focused upon the flower, and the way it moved ever so slightly every time Safi took a breath.
"I do believe ba-" Inali was cut off when a wing settled across her shoulders, almost in a proprietary manner, followed by Safi's warm breath gracing her own. She pulled away for just a moment, a full grin now in her eyes and at the corner of her mouth. "I believe badness is okay every now and then." Her grin was positively wicked as she returned his gesture, leaning into his wing quite happily and rather fiercly. Oh yes, being bad was okay sometimes. And sometimes being bad was really just being good.
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 2:55 pm
Sometimes, all one needed in order to act was a little encouragement; well, this had to fall into AT LEAST the category of "a little" encouragement, and a lot of encouragement would undoubtably have been closer to the mark in this case.
Safi wasn't exactly sure what he had expected to happen. Perhaps that small corner of his mind that persisted in clinging to the way he had been was hoping that Inali would have pulled away, given him a good kick, something else that would have forced him to back off? Or maybe it just would have made him all the more intent; it was difficult to say.
Instead, she was leaning against him, her lithe form warm against his side. Proprietary instincts rose within him, as did instincts of another sort...
Lowering his head to nuzzle her muzzle with his, Safi's smouldering golden gaze met her silver one. It seemed so strange, in a way; he had gone off on such a tangant, yet obviously she had taken the same turn he had. Yet that knowledge gave him such a power rush!
Holding her close against his side, Safi relished the contact, his mind swimming at the potential that he had managed to unlock. Did she... "Inali." As he spoke her name, his voice had dropped; instead of even his depressed monotone there was a new key in his voice; it was lower; huskier. "You say that being bad is ok sometimes...well, I think that this might just be one of those times." A bit crass, perhaps...but hey; it wasn't like he'd been in this situation before! And suddenly time seemed to be moving all too slow for what he was wanting...
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 4:29 pm
Inali could have held the pretense that she was shocked, could have at least pretended that this was not at all what she intended, but her mind seemed suddenly glazed with the sorrow of the past several days and the oppurtunity presented itself here and now. It seemed so healing, as if it would make everything in her world better...
Her silver gaze, suddenly as intense as his own golden one, locked upon him. "Safi. I think this is one of those times." Her own voice lost much of its usual melody with longing and the same rough degree that his held. Was this one of those times? Was this what she wanted? Oh, very much so, yes.
Glancing over her red shoulder, a true coquette, Inali sashayed into the bushes, making sure that Safi's eyes would follow her form.
((This is short... for obvious reasons. XD))
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 4:57 pm
Well, let it never be said that Safi turned down opportunity when it was knocking. A slight smile on his face and his eyes on the red vision in front of him, he was only too willing to follow.
((And...time jump!))
...Wow. Just....wow. He wasn't really sure what else he was supposed to think after what had just happened...but perhaps that was for the best. It most likely wasn't a good idea to think too much at times like this, after all.
The question was, had he adequatly proved to himself what he had so desperately been wanting to prove? If only he could answer that in the affirmative; but the truth was...in spite of everything...he still didn't feel whole. Had this all been in vain? Had he just taken advantage of an innocent mare...for nothing?
The doubts were back, swirling around in his mind. What had he done?
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 5:04 pm
Inali wasn't entirely sure what had happened between herself and Safi either, only that it had felt wonderful, yet at the end... All she wanted to do was weep. She knew at once her mistake- this stallion didn't love her, not truly, and she didn't love him. She hardly knew him! What if she became pregnant? Inali hadn't even pondered the possibility, but now it loomed before her, all too real and solid. Oh gods above... What had she done?
Stepping away quickly from Safi, Inali stared at him with her silver eyes, looking frightened, like a little filly. "Oh gods... We shouldn't have done that. What was I thinking? Oh gods... oh gods... Safi, what if I become pregnant? I don't have the first clue how to become a mother." The consequences were dire, Inali realized then.
Further backing away from Safi, she snorted once. "I'm sorry I did that..." She felt broken suddenly, the wholeness, her own power that had always been hers to give away to the stallion she loved, was gone. Suddenly, she wasn't as pure. She wasn't as /appealing/. This hadn't made her feel very beautiful at all- on the contrary. She felt ugly and... oh gods.
"Please... can I go now? What have we done..." The question was more rhetorical than anything else, fear still tinging the mare's voice. Panic was swiftly coming over her better senses, making her legs lock. Even if Inali had wished to run, it would be impossible now. "We... we shouldn't have done this. We shouldn't have. Oh gods..." She was repeating herself, she knew, but her thoughts were swirling about each other in the same endless pattern, a repetition of panic and fear and broken hearts...
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