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 Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 10:10 am
((I'm actually working on this for another site, but I figured I'd showcase it here. I have a thing for giant girls, so thats what the theme of the story is going to be. If I got character info wrong I apologise. Let me know what you all think!))
Suikoden V: Growth Rune
Prologue: The Biggest Catch
The war had ended and peace reigned throughout Falena. Some stayed together and some went off on their own separate ways. Lym became the new queen after the “official” coronation ceremony. The prince and Lyon joined Georg on his trip around the world, since he was still labeled the slayer of Arshtat. It was sad really, because Georg never did anything evil. The Sun Rune, Dawn Rune, and Twilight Rune were finally reunited so there was no need to worry as far as rogue runes is concerned. People were working hard to restore the Queendom from the damages of war and the Godwin rule. Even the Barows were working on it, as Euram and Luserina have become represenatives of Rainwall. The Senate had dissolved and a new parliament was established. Everyone now had a voice, even the dwarves and beavers. Rebuilding everything and bringing back the happiness and prosperity of the past queens was a daunting task, but the people were more than willing to step up to the challenge. Falena was not to do this alone though. Armes and the Island Nations were among the new allies that were made when the war ended. It seemed like nothing could be better….rather dull.
That’s where Subala comes in. She was the ace angler that supported the prince and had a fierce rivalry with Lun. She left after the war ended in the search of the proverbial “big catch”. Off on the sea, away from civilization, she hummed to herself as she held her pole and watched the waves. Fishing was her hobby and her life, and she would not give it up for anything. The boat she was on was a rather large fishing boat, much bigger than the usual Rafleet boat. Aiding the prince in times of need can really have its perks, and she felt she cashed in good on that deal. The sun was setting, and even though she was determined to get the “big one”, there was nothing biting. It was strange, since there was usually at least something grabbing at the bait, but for the past few hours there was not a single bite. A normal person would have thought it was bad luck, but Subala knew the waters and knew fish well enough to know that something was going on.
“This just ain’t right. I know somethin’ had to been bitin’ by now!” Subala shouted, leaving her pole unattended while she threw a fit. One of her assistants came by and looked at the situation.
“Whats going on, boss?” the assistant fisherman asked, wondering what made her mad now.
“Tell me…did you or anyone else manage to catch anything all day?” Subala asked him as she began to calculate all the possibilities of what could have happened.
“Not even a nibble” the assistant said sadly, looking down.
“Thought so. I got’sta get me some fish! My rep is on the line here!” she shouted as she paced around the boat. This was confusing. She could predict fish patterns and currents and everything a fisher needs, but for the longest time she did not get a single bite. Night time was just around the corner and there was no activity at all. Gritting her teeth, Subala was just about to give up hope when something bit. That something was a huge something, and it was about to take the pole down with it when she grabbed on at the last moment. Holding with all her might, she did what she could to reel in the monster that was hooked, but the sheer force was pulling even the boat with it. Subala was not going down without a fight as she held on for dear life.
“This is it! This be what dreams are!” she shouted as she struggled. Her wish had finally come true. The big one had bit. Seeing the boss in trouble, the assistants came and held the pole as well, but even the combined strength was not enough to tire out the monsterous fish.
“We can’t hold it!” one of the fisherman cried.
“Grrrr….I ain’t gonna’ go down yet! Fire the Flowing Rune and send the bad boy in reverse!” Subala ordered as the Flowing Rune was activated and the ship went backword at a powerful force. Logg also had one of those runes on his boat, and seeing how it was very convenient, Subala decided to get one for her own boat. This came in handy, as the added force was weaking the fish down. After what seemed to be an hour of toiling and fighting, the fish finally gave in and was reeled up. Turns out it was a carp….a carp that dang near filled the entire deck.
“That’s huge!” one of the fisherman said. The massive fish flopped around madly as Subala put her foot on it to keep it still.
“That ain’t a legend fish…its an ordinary carp! You can’t even eat these things!” she grumbled. The question on everyone’s mind was: how could an ordinary carp grow to be so gigantic. A glowing stone fell out of its mouth, a very large and powerful one at that.
“Is that a rune?” a fisherman asked as he gasped. Subala walked over and picked it up, holding it up high as the carp flopped back into the sea and swam away safely. See, no animals were harmed even in fiction. The rune floated high in the air, touching the clouds, but the glow was still as bright as ever.
“The heck is goin’ on!?” Subala shouted as the rune’s power glowed even brighter.
Suddenly, a huge flash of light filled the sky, and a wave of even more light spread through the nearby areas of Island Nations, Armes, and even Falena. It seems what made that fish huge was about to show the people of the world just what exactly it can do. This was the beginning of the adventures of the Growth Rune!
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 10:15 am
I like it. 3nodding
I wish I could write paragraphs...
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 10:17 am
Thanks for the positive feedback!
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 12:27 pm
Chapter 1: Second Chances
Outside of the Sun Palace was the royal cemetary. The members of the royal family and Queen’s Knights laid there for their final rest. Arshtat, the former queen, rested there next to the grave of her husband Ferid. They were known as the reformers of Falena, as they brought forth new policies that helped bring order and peace to the nation. It was a dear shame that the power struggle between the Godwin faction and the Barows faction resulted in their untimely deaths. It was greed that caused all of this, as both sides wanted control of the Sun Rune. Arshtat had no choice but to absorb it herself, granting her the power of the sun. That way, no faction could ever control it. The only bad thing was, the rune was eating at Arshtat’s mentality. She almost wiped out Lordlake completely, and over time it drove her to the point she killed Ferid and was about to scorch the nation. Georg, the top knight, did what he had to and stabbed her, returning her to normal mentality at the cost of her life. Georg was labeled a murderer and left Falena for good when the war ended.
Then there was Sialeeds, the younger sister of Arshtat. She had been through a lot during the ordeal. Because of security reasons, she was not aloud to marry, otherwise she would have married Gizel Godwin long ago. It was heartbreaking having to fight him during the war. She even joined him, betraying all that had loved her, but experts believe that she had alterior motives to what she did. Her grave was next to Arshtat’s as well, and needless to say she did not get such a grand funeral like the king and queen did. Lucretia wanted to give her the best wishes, but Sialeeds deeply hated her, because it was her that told the queen to absorb the Sun Rune.
Not long after the flash occurred, a man in a white coat visited the grave. He was slightly old, and had brown frizzy hair. It was obvious he was not from Falena, or even Armes, but what would a strange person like himself be doing at the royal cemetary. The guards were changing shifts, so he had made it to the grounds undetected, just waltzing right in there as if he owned the place.
“Hmmm…this must be the place Viki told me about” he said to himself as he read the gravestones. He hummed a bit and kept going to one after another. There seemed to be something this man in white was looking for, but he did not say what or why as he went from one to the next.
“Bingo!” he said as he found the grave marked ‘Sialeeds’. It was unknown what he was doing there, but with a smile and a bit of focus, he clenches his hands and looked to the sky. He knew he did not have much time before the guards would return, so he had to make this count. Rubbing his hands together, he glowed white and knelt down at the grave.
“Klaatu….Verata…..Resserectus!” he chanted, a power light emmitting from his palms into the grave. As the light seeped in, the dirt seperated and a coffin was there. The man in white took a knife from his pocket and picked open the lock to the coffin, opening it up.
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. The coffin opened, and out from the grave stepped Sialeeds, as if she had never died to begin with. Gasping, she looked around and saw only the man in white in front of her. The stars filled the night sky, and it was such great weather right now. It’s a great day to live.
“Welcome back to the world of the living, dear Sialeeds” the man said as she climbed out of the grave and looked at him strangely.
“Who…are you anyway? What….what happened?” she asked, still trying to grasp the situation.
“It was not your time Sialeeds….so using the Rune of Life, I simply brought you back” he said as he turned to walk away. She took a few steps to follow him, wondering if he was one of the bearers of the True Runes. He then sneezed…causing a flash of light. Afterwords he was gone, just like Viki. The royal one looked at herself then looked at her surroundings. Taking a deep breath, she realized that she truly was alive again, and it sure was refreshing to feel the breeze against her skin. Hearing footsteps, she hid in the shadows. The fact still remained she betrayed her neice and nephew, and in her heart she felt that she was not ready to face that fact just yet. Using stealth she learned when she was younger, she snuck away from the oncoming guards and left Sol-Falena undetected.
Getting out of the city without being detected was not something she has not done before, as she was quite the tomboy growing up and loved to sneak off. The night sky was filled with many stars. Stars had become a common thing to talk about for those that spent time around Zerase. But there was something else in the sky that seemed rather odd. It was almost like a meteor!
“My word…” Sialeeds said, her mouth wide open. She had seen many things in her life, but this was new to her in so many different ways. The object exploded, sending a ray of light all through the land. She shielded her eyes as the light engulfed her, covering her and pouring it’s energy into her. It was a feeling unlike any other. She felt even more alive than when she harnessed the Twilight Rune. The rush did not last too long, as she suddenly became dizzy.
“What…is happening….?” She asked herself as the entire world began to spin in her vision. Nothing seemed right anymore, but shaking her head, she decided to walk it off. Maybe it was a sign of the rune’s after effects and all. Anything can happen if you are exposed to something strange, and many people have had to figure that one out the hard way. Sialeeds wandered across the plains, seeing the same thing for miles around. Her thought was to hitch a ride and get to the Northern Continent or maybe Scarlet Moon, starting her life over so that she won’t have to face the people of Falena for siding with Godwin during the war. She does not regret what she did, but in her eyes she feels no amount of apology will ever clear her name. It was like when Georg killed Arshtat. Even though the queen forgave him, he still felt like he was a killer, so he left the nation. Sialeeds plans on doing the same.
As she continued to walk, she could see a familiar figure in the distance. It was Kyle, the retired member of the Queen’s Knights that had thoughts of a relationship with her.
“Of all the people…” Sialeeds mumbled, knowing what will happen when she gets spotted. Kyle was a good natured knight, and far too young to be retired, but he wanted to live life around Falena. After that fiasco with the relationship with Gizel, Sialeeds and Kyle often spent time together. It was her promise to Arsthtat that she would never marry that prevented any kind of romantic relation to go deep, so she did not risk her heart being broken a second time. Kyle would have done anything, but the wishes of the queen was something that was to be honored, not as a knight, but as a friend to the royal family. He was actually on his way to Rainwall to pick up some food and crash for the night at one of the inns. He thought about returning to Lelcar where he grew up, but even in disguise he was recognized, so living low profile there would be a difficult task. He did stop by Rainwall once before, during the war, but he doubts that anyone would even remember him. He really did not know what to do for the rest of his life, and was beginning to second guess leaving the Queen’s Knights. He noticed the flash of light and did not feel any different whatsoever. It was as if nothing had happened at all. Then he began to feel the ground thump beneath him in pattern motions. Falena was no place where earthquakes could naturally occur, so this was a problem. Then he saw, Sialeeds, back from the dead. His eyes went wide, his mind unable to comprehend that someone could actually be risen from the great beyond. Stepping back a bit, he shook his head to see if this was real.
“No way….Sialeeds?” he asked himself as he walked closer. It seemed the closer he got, the more he began to realize that this was no normal occasion. She seemed larger than even a castle, and was still as beautiful as the day they met. She had to be at least 150 to 200 feet tall! Gulping, he now had another thing on his mind to deal with. She walked closer, the thumping becoming more and more intense. Looking down, almost as if something in her mind told her to, she saw what appeared to be a small person thing. Rubbing her eyes, she now figured it out. Kyle was there staring at her, and he seemed a lot smaller than she remembered.
“Kyle! Why….why are you and the trees so small?!” she asked in a semi-panic tone, trying to piece together information that lead to the fact she indeed was much bigger. The light in the sky must have caused this, but there was no lead on it just yet.
One can guess these two have some catching up to do.
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 12:40 pm
I'm sorry. I can't get past the first paragraph. The story may be solid, but your grammar and sentance structure need a LOT of work.
The opening is really hackeneyed and really doesn't work in Suikoden 5's case. After a country that had been put through quite as uch as Falena hed been, I doubt there'd be any real semblance of peace in the country for some time after the Godwin's defeat.
The second line needs to be clarified. Who stayed together? You don't even specify if it's people or not. As far as the reader is concerned, you are talking about rocks or bunnies. Even if this is written for an audience who has played the game intimately, it's proper writing form to clarify these kinds of things.
Again, explain Lymsleia, explain Farouche, Lyon, and George. Proper writing form.
If Lymsleia has become Queen, I'd assume the very first thing she'd do is issue a proclaimation erasing all guilt on the part of George. His guilt in the deed is all personal, nobody in the Queendom would be holding a grudge.
The rune is likely a moot point at this time. If you really want to include it, needs to be explained a little better for the readers.
"The people were working hard to restore the Queendom from the damages the country had suffered under the iron fist of the House of Godwin." This might be a better way to write it, but you'd likely want to expand on this topic a bit more. Maybe talk about some individual instances of destruction mention the heavy debts and it's effect ont he Queendom's econonmy, the economic recovery, etc.
I could go on, but I won't for now. In summation, this opening paragraph needs to be expanded into several paragraphs setting up the backdrop of your story. Fix up the grammar, break up your ideas so they're easier to read and spaced better, and remember, you need to SHOW the story, not TELL it. It's better to over-write descriptions of things than it is to not write enough.
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:02 pm
I'm a bit new to the fanfiction thing, so that was a little harsh
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:19 pm
You won't learn anything if I sugar coat it and tell you "it was good for a first try". What I can do that is helpful is point out where your storytelling is weak and could stand to be improved, and offer some advice on what could be done to improve it.
If you can't take constructive criticism don't post your fics up for others to critique. It's as simple as that.
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:23 pm
You just made it sound like none of the story was good, thats all
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:32 pm
I just didn't read the whole thing! I'm very picky about fanfiction, so take all my comments as you will. It's just that your very first paragraph has about two pages worth of information squeezed very tightly into a single, long paragraph.
Believe it or not, but many, many pages of flowing information is much easier to read through and enjoy than one supercondensed paragraph. Having that much info packed into such a tight space makes reading uncomfortable, and tends to chase potential readers away.
So do as I suggested; start by going back over your first chapter and expanding out all that crammed up info. Pop open that can of peanuts and let the giant surprise snake out. Loosen up your paragraphs(just don't ramble!) and everything should read much better.
Remember, everything you write will look good to YOU, because you know exactly what it is you're trying to say and exactly how you want everything to come across. Your readers don't have this luxury, and can only take out from your story what you put into it. You're "Telling" a story here, but you need to be "Showing" it.
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Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:42 pm
Sorry I blew your constructive criticism out of proportion. Thank you for telling me how to improve on the story.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 9:26 pm
Chapter 2: New Changes
Sialeeds and Kyle stared at each other eye to eye for a good five minutes, trying to believe that all of this was real. Sialeeds was trying to find out why the world seemed so small and Kyle was trying to figure out how the heck she is alive. He attended her funeral along with the majority of Falena and watched her be buried. Seeing her here made him believe that this was all a dream. He did have feelings for her, masked beneath his pervert-like façade. Seeing as she was once engaged to Gizel Godwin, it was hard for him to express his feelings to her, but it was obvious that he liked her. For some reason she seemed so much more beautiful now that she was giant sized. Dressed in her purple dress that she designed herself, Kyle thought of her more of a divine being than an undead.
"S…Sialeeds….you….you're huge!" the flustered Kyle stammered, speaking to her.
"I…am…this is all too much! I just woke up not even a few hours ago!" she said with a heavy sigh, trying to add all this together.
"But….you passed away at the battle of Sol Falena!" Kyle said, remembering the great battle that brought the final tide against the Godwin army.
"I…I know…all I know is that a man in white brought me back from the beyond. He used some sort of rune…." She said slowly, recalling the events that happened back at the cemetary. The man was in a way a lot like Zerase. She wondered how many of those freaks were out there doing lord knows what.
"I'm just glad to see you're back. I missed you a lot, more than you think" he said, pouring his feelings out then and there. He once said that he regretted not being able to come forth and talk out what he really felt, so he was just saying it all now while he still had the chance, not that anything bad was going to happen to you.
"As for how the heck I got this big, I'm afraid I know as much as you do" she said, knowing that the growth rune's powers were more unknown than anything else that they have faced before.
"You are quite big….you could do a lot of violent things" he said with a hint of concern in his voice. Power usually drove people nuts and made them do insane things, and someone at the size of Sialeeds could really cause some mayhem.
"I could have really did some mayhem with the Twilight Rune, but I didn't lay waste to towns or anything. I won't do the same now that I'm gigantic" she said, smirking as she put a hand on her hip. It was true the chaos she could have caused with the Twilight Rune, but in the end she was perfectly able to control it.
"But that was a totally different rune, that is of course, that thing making you giant is a rune" Kyle said as he scratched his head and tried to think if the magic was similar or different in any way.
"Don't worry about it. I feel better than ever!" Sialeeds said with a smile as she stretched her arms out and sighed happily. She did like good naps and relaxing, but being six feet under and sleeping was something much more than a normal rest. Kyle felt a bit relieved that she was not some evil giant monster that old people often told tales about. After a few minutes of talk they decided to walk together, but Sialeeds kept a very slow pace so that Kyle could keep up.
"So, where are we going anyway?" she asked boredly as she slowly walked alongside her friend.
"Well, I was going to take it easy…at…Rainwall" he said that last part slowly, knowing that Rainwall and Sialeeds have had some bad history, mostly having to do with the slaying of their leader, Salum Barows. She also told his son Euram that the family will fall with an imbucile like himself in charge. Knowing all that she has done, she figured she would be public enemy number one. "I'm sorry….I didn't…" he added.
"Its alright. I know what I did to Barows, and I'm not going to hide anymore. I'll just have to come forth to Euram, assuming he hasn't driven everything into the ground already" she said as she walked to the town of Rainwall with her friend Kyle.
"You'd be surprised. That little weasle did a lot of growing up when that b*****d Barows died, well, figuratively grew up at least" Kyle said, letting her know that Euram was doing fine despite the traumatizing event of watching his own father die in front of him. The Barows family was much like the the Godwin family in the sense that they were both very corrupted and fought to control the royal family of Falena. They even went to the trouble of organizing the revolt of Lordlake and took the Dawn Rune. It was then that Arshtat took the Sun Rune within herself. The rest was history and it was the reason that Sialeeds held such a grudge against the Barows. It was all in the past now and she hoped to brige a few gaps and probably make up for some past difficulties.
In Rainwall, Euram Barows was up late watching the stars from the balcony of his manor. He was set to go to Sol Falena in short time, but had a hard time sleeping. Ever since the war ended, he has been working hard to bring himself, his family, and the people of Rainwall a good name. His eyes were bloodshot as he has not slept or eaten in a long time. He was more interested in getting the job done than his own personal needs, as the events of the war and Sialeeds's final words to him have sunken deep into his skull. His determination was bringing him on the path to downfall in a spiral of illness. It was really making the people of the town concerned. They were glad to see that Euram was doing more than being some evil little weasle, but one can only do so much at a time, and it is expected to take a breather once in awhile.
Also, it seemed Euram was heartbroken about the queen turning down his offers for a relationship. He was too old and was not her type, and though she was as kind as could be about it, it still hurt him. They were still friends though, and talked on a routine basis, but it seemed that there really was no option left for him to go down as far as a romance thing. The painting he made for the queen is now in the Sun Palace on display for all to see.
His sister, Luserina, was more concerned than anyone. She watched her brother on his path to wickedness when he tried to manipulate his way to power, but he was so hell bent on redeeming himself that he was going to end up in an early grave if he didn't stop.
"Brother? Are you there?" she asked from the shadows, unable to sleep that night. She walked onto the balcony and gave that concerned look to Euram as only a sister would.
"Luserina…you should be in bed dear sister" he said to her as he turned to face her.
"And so should you! You've driven yourself to the point of self destruction!" she shouted, grabbing his shirt and shaking him somewhat. He gave a sigh and decided to explain himself.
"I cannot rest now, not while there is reconstruction to be…" he was about to finish when she cut him off.
"Reconstruction takes time! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and rest! People care about you, and I know you did some bad things in the past, but before everyone can forgive you, you need to forgive yourself" she said to him, really striking some sense into his thick skull.
"You…you are right…" he said, looking into her eyes before turning back to look over Rainwall. "I guess I'm making mistakes around every corner" he added. She shook her head and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"We all make mistakes, well, maybe not Lucretia, but that's what makes us human. I'm just happy to see you've learned from all of them" she said with a smile, glad to see that he was no longer the evil tyrant that he once was. Maybe it was Sialeeds's murderous act that brought him to his senses, but he still had a long way to go before everything returns to what is said to be normal.
Suddenly, they saw a massive light in the sky, like a shooting star. It made its way up to the stars before exploding into a great light that covered the entire country. As it was coming toward Rainwall, everyone looked on with horror, thinking that this light was going to destroy them all.
"Watch out!" Euram shouted as he tried in vain to shield his sister from the light. It engulfed everyone, and it seemed that after the light faded away, nothing had happened.
"Ugh…my head…" Euram said as he got off the ground. The light temporarily blinded him and his sister, so he lost his balance and fell down. "Luserina!? Where are you!?" he asked in panic, looking around. When he turned around, he saw his sister, but she was off the balcony and now towered over all the buildings in Rainwall!
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