|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
 Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 8:37 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 10:16 pm
Quote: I didn’t offer an explanation why it had been so long since I had returned, either. would it read better without the 'either' ? Quote: Dr. Alabreza, who I would continue to call Dr. Alabreza despite her peppy insistence to call her Angela, since we were such close confidantes as I had to pay her by the hour to listen to me, wasn’t the best therapist I’d ever had. This sentence is a bit long. Can it be split into two? Are you being cynical? You seem to be laughing at the fact that the Dr wants her to call her by the first name, so as to be intimate, but at the end of the day, is also requiring her to pay for this 'intimacy'. Quote: both Dr. Alabreza’s foot and her pen pattering in a conflicting staccato rhythm to bring me back from my thoughts. Ooh, very nice sentence. 3nodding Quote: I kinda get seasick a little, I think, too Read that out loud to yourself, taking into consideration the commas. It sounds a bit strange. Unless you want it to sound that way. You hava a beautiful style of writing. I'm honestly looking forward to seeing more of your writing. After reading that, the reader really wants to know what happened that has scarred her. To find out why she is shunning her past, but also can't leave it behind. Good work! biggrin
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 4:08 pm
meanwhile Quote: I didn’t offer an explanation why it had been so long since I had returned, either. would it read better without the 'either' ? Quote: Dr. Alabreza, who I would continue to call Dr. Alabreza despite her peppy insistence to call her Angela, since we were such close confidantes as I had to pay her by the hour to listen to me, wasn’t the best therapist I’d ever had. This sentence is a bit long. Can it be split into two? Are you being cynical? You seem to be laughing at the fact that the Dr wants her to call her by the first name, so as to be intimate, but at the end of the day, is also requiring her to pay for this 'intimacy'. Quote: both Dr. Alabreza’s foot and her pen pattering in a conflicting staccato rhythm to bring me back from my thoughts. Ooh, very nice sentence. 3nodding Quote: I kinda get seasick a little, I think, too Read that out loud to yourself, taking into consideration the commas. It sounds a bit strange. Unless you want it to sound that way. You hava a beautiful style of writing. I'm honestly looking forward to seeing more of your writing. After reading that, the reader really wants to know what happened that has scarred her. To find out why she is shunning her past, but also can't leave it behind. Good work! biggrin Thank you for the suggestions. I shall definitely go back and edit my piece and will probably post a little bit more of my story tonight. I appreciate the critiquing! I have a terrible time judging my own writing (I am my worst critic!), so having someone else's point of view really helps.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:30 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:41 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 4:40 pm
Actually, if you look at it carefully, she's quoting herself and her daughter within her own dialogue. The original dialogue is in double quotes and the quoted dialogue is in single quotes. I believe this is grammatically correct, though I will be sure to double-check it.
I edited that last line right after I posted it. I changed it to "...I spewed, my words rancid with two decades of harbored bitterness." Does that work any better? (Spewed seems to be an appropriate verb to me. Again, I'll double check.)
I'm glad you like it though, and thank you again for the comments. More later, I suppose. (If I stop being lazy.)
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 6:46 am
If you continue a dialogue over a paragrahs, you need opening quotes for every parargraph (and no closing quotes between). I got mixed up with the grandparents part, for some reason, I though the daughter was asking whether the mother had grandparents. redface Quote: I spewed, my words rancid with two decades of harbored bitterness Spewed is a fine word to use in that context, but I think reorganising that sentence somehow so that the reader doesn't think: "I spewed (as in vomit, -break-) (and by the way) my words were rancid" Does that make sense?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 2:10 pm
meanwhile If you continue a dialogue over a paragrahs, you need opening quotes for every parargraph (and no closing quotes between). Oh! I misunderstood. Thanks. smile meanwhile Spewed is a fine word to use in that context, but I think reorganising that sentence somehow so that the reader doesn't think: "I spewed (as in vomit, -break-) (and by the way) my words were rancid" Does that make sense? Maybe I'm misunderstanding you here as well. It seems you think I meant that she vomited after she spoke. I'm using the word spew to mean "to cast forth with abhorrence or disgust; to eject." Not in the sense that she vomited literally, but that she spit out her words with violent force with disgust. Make sense? Or did I misunderstand? I'm going to take a brief break from this story to develop something else for a few days... I'm sorry, my one devoted reader! smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 3:51 am
I understand how you're using the word 'spew', and I think most readers will as well. I'm just suggesting that if a person were to read that sentence, although they know what you mean, they'd feel the way you said it was a bit strange. I think its to do with the punctuation, try reading it out loud to yourself. Consider it without the comma.
It's not a big deal or anything, so it's probably fine to leave it the way it is. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:45 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:50 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:51 pm
uh. nothing here to see folks. just a lot of double posting. moving on...
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
Posted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 4:03 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 5:13 pm
Okie dokie, that was the latest bit of an update. I won't put this on a regular updating schedule as... well... I don't actually write regularly. Hopefully there will be more soon.
Open for feedback and critique!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Codebreaking Autobiographer
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 10:20 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
