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 Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:02 pm
What do you say when a friend calls you drunk, long distance, from Britain... because his girlfriend dumped him.
This just happened to me. My friend Rob went with his girlfriend to visit her family in the UK because her mom has serious cancer. He has been there for 3 weeks and then she dumps him yesterday, but not before she tricks him into driving her to her date. He is alone in a foreign country staying with her family, and he doesn't leave until Thursday. How cruel can people be? He doesn't have any family or friends to help him out through this. She could have dump him right before they left, rather than several days before, when he has no other place to go. Painful. Not to mention that the only place for him to sleep is in the bed next to her. That's ******** up.
I have no experience with relationships good or bad, to offer him any words that could boost him at all. All I could do is keep urging him not to drink a bottle of sherry and drink water unstead.... advice he didn't even take. Then there comes the awkward questions "Why didn't we ever date?" and other things I won't even mention. God! I wanted the conversation to end, but how can you speed up a conversation with a drunk who just got used so badly. At least her family is on his side, her dad was the one who took him out for a drink... but then he went crazy.
The only other thing I could say to him was to make sure he didn't drink any more in the next few days or the airplane ride will make him really sick.
I tried saying "You're calling the West Coast of Canada from the UK, you are going to drive up the phone bill." After he had been talking for an hour, as I got to listen to him pee. gonk But he was all like "That's okay, they are rich. Her granddad ********' designed the Concord." Damn. Why did I answer the phone? I mean, I do care about Rob, he is one of my closest friends from High school, I have known him for 12 years, but this was just painfully awkward. I feel bad for him, and for trying to get out of the conversation.
He is going to end up calling me again before he leaves to come back home and afterwards he wants up to meet up. Frankly I hate people bringing me down, I have enough depression of my own to deal with. Any advice as to what I could say? I'm at a total loss on how to deal with that. I mean I have had a lot of friends call me after they have been dumped, and all night long phone calls with girlfriends, and taking guy friends out to get wasted. But Rob is a different breed. He is highly sensitive, has anxiety attacks at the drop of a hat, and doesn't drink (which made this all the more worse for him that he did)... old Rob I could have dealt with, when he used to drink, toke up, and was a coffee fiend. But new Rob is weird for me to be around. I feel weird around him anyways, and this outting with him when he gets home is going to be the worst for awkwardness and feeling uncomfortable. I mean, where am I supposed to even take him? I can't take him to a coffee shop, he doesn't drink it anymore... I can't take him out to drink, it's too bad for him now... He doesn't smoke weed anymore, so I can't even do that to him. And I can't take him anywhere noisey or with a lot of people, because it will induce a panic attack. Take him to a frickin' library? What if he gets all cry-ie? I could take him to the dyke and sit on the beach, but then I would have to talk to him the whole time, and isn't a whole lot to do or distract him with. <********>
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:43 pm
Oh wow, that sucks confused
Perhaps you could organize something with more mutual friends? That way you don't have to be alone with him, he'll still be getting support, and you won't have to go out anywhere.
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:00 pm
Poor guy. sad I'm assuming his girlfriend knew about his depression and anxiety attacks, which makes what she did that much worse, even though it was really nasty and selfish to begin with. I don't know what to suggest, being as socially inept as I am...Kninja's idea that you get together with mutal friends is a good idea. Then again, he might not even feel up to being in a small group of people.
If this is getting too personal, just let me know, but I was just wondering why he quit alcohol, pot, and caffeine? Was it to see if not using drugs would make his anxiety less?
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:00 pm
I'm hoping that some of our friends will join us, but he doesn't have as many as he used to. It's like in that crappy show "FRIENDS" with the character 'Fun Bobby' Fun Bobby wasn't so fun anymore after he gave up drinking, and no one wanted to be around him anymore. That's what it's like with Rob. So a recently dumped Rob is all that more worse. I know he'll go out with Ken, his best friend (and mine). But Ken and Rob don't talk about feelings, and Rob omimously told me on the phone today. They will end up going out and not talk about it, and then all the more reason Rob will want to corner me to talk on our own later. gonk Steph, another mutual friend doesn't talk to Rob much anymore. And Rob and Caroline don't get on anymore because some high school drama rolleyes Caroline would be the best person to be there because she has had a bad break up before and also has mental health problems. Grrr! I didn't keep track of many other people from high school, so other friends might take himout as a group, but I might not know about it. Then he'll drag me out when we are alone. Help!
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:06 pm
soggypicklemuncher If this is getting too personal, just let me know, but I was just wondering why he quit alcohol, pot, and caffeine? Was it to see if not using drugs would make his anxiety less?
I can see how having a group of friends alround might make him ill as well, so it would have to be a small group if I can organize something
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:17 pm
Oh boy...I can just see him saying 'Can we go to your place?' or his. >__> I mean, it seems like a trap. D: Where else can you guys go? Restaurants are kind of too open, but maybe try that.
I think that break-up is just about the worse I have heard of that doesn't involve phsyical violence. D: What attracted him to such a bitchy girl? I'm sure something like that doesn't just come out of the blue; she must have had previous behaviour that hinted at icky characteristics. D:
I dunno, but I think that him saying that he and Ken don't mention feelings is just sooo creepy given the context of the call. Hmm alone tips...two chairs, maybe some crap inbetween like a table. xD Just be cautious and stuff. ^^;
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:43 pm
No, I trust Rob, he is the gentlest guy I have even known. And anything he might have said during his phone call I'll attribute to him being drunk. confused
The whole Ken and Rob don't talk about feelings is that they are guys, and although Ken will seek out Steph and I for advice and Rob will seek me out for talk, they won't talk to each other. I also think Rob is too intense and romantic-like for Ken, who is very down to earth.
As for Rob's girlfriend, I only met her once, so have no real opinion of her. I thinkthat was the meanest thing a person could do, practically abandon a person so far from home... but I can see a little of why she might have. I mean her mom is dieing so she is most likely really messed up right now. And maybe she felt that Rob was bring her down, and she wants to hang out with peole that will make her feel happy or forget about things. Who knows.
My biggest problem is what do I say. I don't want to be patronizing by stating the obvious. "Yeah, that does suck.", but I don't want to contribute to extending the conversation on the negative for any length of time.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:19 am
Call up a friend of your own, doesnt have to be mutual and say hey let me call you before this s**t goes down and after a certain amount of time where he has talked taken your ear for a spin around the block for his own personal needs have her call you to meet him/her that gives you an out, or you can take Rob along and at the very least not be subject to a one on one emotional rollercoaster.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:21 am
ok, I can understand not wanting to be around the negative for too long, however, you do have some obligations if you want to stay friends with him...which it sounds like you do. He probably want's to hear a bit of the 'that does suck' to validate his feelings, he was hurt pretty bad (that really IS a shitty break-up) and can't be expected to get over it in a super short time.
To save you from mega-doses however, I suggest this
Invite him over in the morn, afternoon, you decide to your house. Yeah, it pretty much will be just you and him, but this will help him get everything out to you he wants to. He won't have to be embarrassed around others even if he does fall to pieces, it's better for him.
YOU have a hair/nail/message/eyebrow wax/funeral/SOMETHING appointment where you only have...an hour, two...whatever you are willing to set aside for him and still have a good excuse to leave before you are digging your own grave.
That is just my suggestion.
He wants your time, you want to give him some, try to work it out.
Not a fun situation Zath. sad
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:32 am
I would know, but you could leave him at home, and after work, you could try to talk to him about it, or perhaps invite some friends over, no wait, that would be a bad idea, if your friends doesn't like him, it'll make a bad impression on you.
sweatdrop
Well, you could try to cheer up the guy. Sorry if I could give better advice. crying heart
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:53 am
Get him a pet rock (one with five eyes). That'll keep him away from people well enough. ((I don't know)). Then get him a second job as a bouncer at a strip club. You and your friends can take bets on how long he'll last there (and as a bonus he'll have something to talk with everyone about).
Don't worry if you patronise him. "You were dumped. It won't be the last time, accept that."
And what's the point of giving up weed, coffee, whatever if you can't even hang around friends? After a couple months you will either need to find new friends or go crazy.
And always take all of my advice, that's what I'm here for.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:01 am
If a drug makes you feel like crap, you're going to avoid it even if it means not being around friends who use it. Physically feeling bad goes a long way toward making depression worse. He probably knows that he'd give in and have some if he were in a group of people using a particular substance, so he tries to stay away. However, I do agree that the social isolation caused by his avoidance of drugs is bad for his mental and emotional health, so yeah, he probably does need to find some different friends.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:44 pm
In reference to It's only really Caroline who has a problem. However she had a graveyard shift last night (she is a security guard for construction sites) and when she has those shifts I stay up all night and talk to her on the phone to help her keep awake. So we discussed this, and she really feels for him, and is letting go of some of the stupid recent grudges. She said that she'd help me out by being there if we can arrange it for one of the times she comes into town to see me, so there is one visit safe.
Steph has sort of distanced herself because she is a very opinionated person, down to earth, with her head screwed on tight. Where as Rob is too romantic and delusional for his own good, and she just can't take him seriously anymore. She has a hard enough time being around him when he is doing 'alright' let alone after a bad breakup. She will help, her heart isn't completely made of stone, but she will limit herself, and she is more capabable of doing so than I am in a position to.In reference to and Both Aoife and Deehe have similar theme's to their advice... cut it short by some other plans. However that doesn't really work for me. Although great ideas, won't work too well. He is unemployed, and I live a retired lifestyle now, and have an open schedual. All my friends know this, and all the more reason he will latch on to me. I am available, I understand mental health issues, I am a listener (since I have no real advice to ever offer anyone, I just nod and made the occasional noise). If he thought that I alloted him only an few hours before an appointment, when I have little else going on in my daily life, he will know I am trying to brush him off. I mean I want to be there for him, but I don't and can't be the only source for an out let. Also the fear of becoming a rebound target was just made unpleasently clear by Ken. I was just talking to him on MSN right now.
Zombie Love <3 says:
One thing, though. he is going to want to meet up with us when he gets back. I don't want to have one on one time with Rob! Please save me, we have to do this together
Frostyopithicus says:
ok. will. do. i will bear the brunt of one-on-one time, and yes, saving you girls from him in his state had entered my mind...he's going to be needy, touchy, vulnerable, and looking for a rebound. none of which are good for you
(his statement made in reference to both Steph and I)
I thank heavens Ken is going to do more than I hoped for. Ken is a really good friend. Even if he thinks you are a total fool, he will keep his comments to himself and be there for you. He has less sympathy for Rob than I do, which he had made abundantly clean by the rest of our conversation, but he is more willing to put himself out there. Thanks the gods! What a patient man!
In reference to and Oh no, I have no issues with his staying away from social situations where he will not be comfortable anymore. That is sound. However he hasn't gotten anything to replace that with, and there the problem lay. No new friends.
And what I meant before about how he won't meet in a coffee shop is how extreme and stupid some of his changes are. For example, a few months ago he reall wanted to meet with me. I said, "okay how about that coffee shop in the such and such mall" he said "I don't drink coffee anymore" to which I replied "You can have tea" which he said "I don't drink tea"
Well so what?! Drink water, drink juice, it's just a small quiet setting that we can meet and talk, you don't have to partake in anything, and we can sit outside you don't even have to smell anything. Gah! He makes it so hard. He wouldn't suggest a place himself, and we never did end up meeting. I usually only see him now when I run into him at other friend's houses.
And that followed into what Aoife said, to have him meet at my place or something. Bad idea in my case. I live with a family who are always home. There would be no privacy and it would make me really really uncomfortable. And meeting at people's houses have less of an time limit. If you are in a coffee house, you really can't be there for 3 hours, or the staff starts looking at you funny. lol
Actually, though, MoJoby, you gave me a really good idea. I'll make him a gift. It will let him know I was thinking of him... without me being in a position of actually being with him.
Talking with Ken here and sorting things out here with yous guys have actually helped me out a lot, and I really appreciate all your input and advice. Ken is going to take him as much as possible, with Ken I'll meet up with Rob once or twice over the next week after his return, and once I'll see him with Caroline when she comes into town to see me, which I'll be able to cut pretty short by Caroline and I wanting to go out and do things. He can come with us, for sure, but it's will be more on our terms rather than his. If I see him 3 times over the next 2 weeks, give him a thoughtful gift... I think I will have fulfilled my obligations to him as a friend I have known for a decade, but don't see very often anymore. Between that, and any extra visits Ken gives, that will fill up a lot of the first two weeks being home. And he needs alone time, too... So I think it will all work out now with as little inconvience to me as possible. I don't want to sound harsh, but there it 'tis.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:58 pm
Oh dear, this is a horribly complicated situation. If he is as delicate as you make it sound, then he will be carrying these troubles for a long, long time. I was a pretty sensitive person in my day (I've hardened up a little since then) so I can imagine a little of how bad he must be feeling right now. If I were in a similar situation, I would want someone to be near, to talk to, whatever, for an extended period of time. It may be too needy, but a lot of times sensitive people need extra 'presence', if you will.
I can understand not wanting to be with him for too long, and that certainly isn't your fault. Even the best of friends need seperation times. Aside from Joby's idea of a gift and your own 'relay' plans, may I suggest finding him an interpersonal hobby? The obvious idea is here on Gaia, but I don't think that would work out too good. Maybe find something he already likes, and help him make some new friends?
This is a very delicate problem, and I feel bad because I can't think of a simple, effective solution. Most human problems can't be solved so easily, and we have to deal with it. I will say this, though. Be honest with him, as much as you think he can handle. If he were to find out you were lying about an appointment or some such, he might view it as a betrayal of sorts, making things even more problematic.
Hopefully this was some help, although I wish I could do more. Good luck.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 2:38 pm
I guess sleeping with him to make him feel better temporarily is out of the question xd
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